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HUGE apology for length! I've posted here in the past about my situation with my mother, but not for some time. To sum up...I've been in the position of caretaker for her starting when I was 13 when she suffered a traumatic brain injury. She did recover from that, but continued to have various health issues and surgeries, and now at 67 has severe short term memory loss and serious issues with cognitive thinking. While my father does live with us, he works full time and works the night shift, so all of the actual caregiving falls entirely to me.
At this stage, I'm afraid to leave her alone for long periods. First, she acts out if I leave the house to do *anything* for myself, even just something like going to a movie. Typically she'll fall suddenly 'sick', and if I ignore her and go out anyway, she has in the past turned it into an unnecessary and very expensive hospital visit. She also uses my cat as leverage again me, constantly complaining that she has to 'watch' him and acting as if it's some huge, grand ordeal that is simply asking *far* too much. Cognitively, I'm afraid she'll leave the burners on, drive, or do something like scrub the floor and give herself a heart attack. Especially since she's likely to decide to cook a big meal or wash all the quilts or whatever as 'punishment' for my leaving.
Three years ago I was laid off from a position where I mainly worked from home. I've been living on my savings since, but at this point I've got a few hundred in the bank and that's it. I get free board, of course, but most of my savings has gone toward contributing to the household bills and I'm solely responsible for the vet bills for my own cat and my parent's cat (and these two are NOT cheap, by any means...my parent's cat has a $2,000 procedure next month that is going on my credit card.)
I just have no idea what to do at this point. I now have three year gap in my job history, and I highly doubt I'll find another work-from-home situation. I'm managing to make the bare minimum payment on the credit card with the vet bills, so I'm barely denting the interest and don't see how I'll *ever* pay it off. I'm wearing clothes full of holes, I can't afford to get my hair cut and I look ridiculous...I can't spend a single cent on myself, which isn't helping my stress level.
Getting a home health aid is not on the table. My mother refuses to acknowledge that anything is wrong at all. My father refuses to upset her by forcing the issue. Hell, we don't even have a diagnosis of what's going on with her mind because she refuses to see a neurologist and he won't make her.
Is there any way for a family member to get paid for providing caregiving for a parent? Are there any kind of assistance programs outside unemployment (which I've long since exhausted?) This is the first time in my life when I haven't been working and have been struggling financially, and I'm genuinely frightened for my future. My parents are terrible with money and have always been in constant debt, and I've always been so careful to save all I could and overpay my bills because I didn't want to be like them. Now I *can't* pay my bills, and my siblings keep asking when I'm going to get a job without any regard for the fact that I'm the only one taking care of *their* mother.
On a slightly related matter...this behavior with my mother basically holding me hostage in the house is getting steadily worse, as well as other behavior that I would term emotionally abusive. I tried going out every weekend with the hopes she would get used to and stop acting out, but she never did and it became so incredibly stressful that I gave up and she 'won' that battle. Everyone tells me that her behavior is not within her control...but she ONLY does these things to me. Her behavior also seems to cycle, so for several weeks I'll think 'Okay, the memory thing is rough and all, but I can't handle this"...and then she just becomes this completely different person and just follows me around *all day long* constantly badgering me with questions and SCREAMING at me for answering them factually. Like she'll ask me why the doctors haven't treated the nerve pain in her shoulder. I tell they tried but she refused to take any of the drugs they offered for it. She asks what drugs, I list them off. She precedes to yell at me for naming drugs she doesn't want to take. I explain those are the only drugs for nerve pain. She berates me again because she doesn't want to take them. She asks what she can do about the nerve pain. I list off the options She yells at me because she doesn't like any of the options. She asks what she can do about the nerve pain...
And this just continues all day long, and there's no stopping it or redirecting her. It usually ends with me getting so stressed out I either start yelling or start crying, and then she apologizes and says she'll leave me alone for the rest of the night. Five minutes later, she's right back in my face doing the entire cycle over again.
But if my father happens to wake up to use the bathroom during this, suddenly it's "SHH, he doesn't need to hear this." If a sibling or visitor comes into the house, she's sweet as pie. If she asks the same questions of my pharmacist brother and he tells her the names of drugs that treat nerve pain, she falls over herself thanking him for the information. Everyone keeps telling me that her behavior is outside of her control, but that's very hard to reconcile with the fact that she CAN and DOES modulate when around ANYONE but me. On the other hand, she very clearly does have major issues with her cognitive thinking that I absolutely believe are real, and probably has a mental illness along the lines of an anxiety disorder, if not something bipolar disorder. None of my family have any idea how bad her behavior really gets because they never see it.
I know what I described probably doesn't even seem that bad, but it's just so persistent that it's incredibly wearing. It's gotten to the point that in the recent past I've ended up calling a crisis hotline just because I desperately needed someone to talk to. I've also had what I can only call a mini-nervous breakdown where I just couldn't sobbing for three straight days. So how do you deal with emotionally abusive behavior when it comes from a person who lacks the ability to change it? I'm not sure if she can't or won't, but I guess that's beside the point and it's more about me learning not to let it affect me so badly. It's just awfully hard not to take personally when she never does it to anyone else, and even if I *don't* take it personally, it's hard not to find so distressing because it takes up the entire day and night.
I didn't read you whole post, but I am caring for people that have issues and I have found out some very good information.
First, go down to Health and Welfare and get your mother on state medicaid in addition to Medicare. Often there are state run programs, but in order to qualify, the person has to be on the state medicaid.
There may be the possibility that you can become a Certified Family Home provider, which is, basically, adult foster care. The state may reimburse you for caring for you mother if she is assessed and found to have so many issues that she needs live-in supervision. You must get as much medical documentation as possible and when she is assessed, you must let them assessor know how bad it is. Don't hold anything back. Depending on your state, there may many supports for you, like someone coming in a few times per week to help. You never know until you try. I wish I knew what I know now when my mother was still alive.
You may also need to become her conservator and/or guardian. This usually takes an attorney and if you mother does not willingly sign the paperwork, it can get expensive.
As far as the verbal abuse, you must find your center and ignore it. Nod and grin, agree, but know that this is a not a rational person. It is a battle you will never win if you participate.
You may have a 211 hotline in your state. Dial it and see if you do. And if you do, ask about elder/disabled services available.
You are part of the problem. I am sorry you have this burden, but you have been trained from childhood to accept feeling guilty as normal. It is time for you to stop it. Everdeen is right that you cannot debate about it. I doubt at this point that you can do it by yourself. You MUST get support for yourself, and only then can you help your parents. It's like when they tell you to take the oxygen on an airplane first, before helping someone else.
My first instinct was to tell you to grab your cat, get out and change your phone number, no one could blame you. Your father is not taking responsibility, because you are there. I don't think you are strong enough to do this by yourself, but you must get help to gain control of your own life. You are important and you deserve better.
Under no circumstances should you spend $2000 on your mother's cat. No way. You can't afford it. Use the credit card to get out of town. You might try telling your brother that you need a break and will be gone for 6 months to reevaluate your options, and it is his turn to take care of mom, "Oh, and by the way, mom's cat needs an operation". Then go.
OP, you are in a tough situation. This job should have never fallen on your shoulders, but since it has you can't "just leave" without addressing the fact that it isn't safe for your mother to be alone, not to mention you are down to your last few hundred dollars. I assume your father is still working because he needs the money for household expenses. If your mom is on Medicare, there should be a social worker assigned to her case. He/she may be able to steer you in the direction that can get you out of this situation or at least make it manageable.
This is an excellent site that has many other people in your situation and lots of information. I hope it helps.
Wow, your situation sounds so much like mine it's scary. I was in your exact situation except I am the only child and my mom's been divorced for years. My mother has a personality disorder and it sounds like yours may too. Please look into Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality disorder as this is the combo that my mother has and her behavior sounds a lot like your mother's behavior. It is also difficult for me to let go of my anger for her behavior, blaming it on her illnesses as she can turn it off and on for different people. Personality disorders make them very manipulative.
My mother also has severe cognitive issues and although I got her finally into a beautiful ALF, she resents it and me, fights me all the time to get out on her own, as she feels there's nothing wrong with her. This is someone who dries dishes after hand washing them by placing the wet dishes on the stove and turning the burners on high!
I wish I had answers but I don't. Please feel free to message me if you ever need someone to listen as I do truly understand what you are dealing with now. Btw, you do have to take a stand and stand up for yourself. There is NOTHING wrong with setting boundaries. I'd start by NOT PAYING FOR THAT CAT!
Well if I don't pay, the procedure won't get done, and no matter whose cat she is, she needs to be taken care of. It's for an injection to correct her hyperthyroid condition...unlike medication, it's an actual cure and cats who have the injection live on average 2-3 years longer than those treated with the medication. For me, refusing to pay for it with the knowledge she won't get the treatment just isn't an option.
We do have a 211 line in my state, so I'll definitely give them a call and see if they have any suggestions! Weirdly, today my mother mentioned assisted living as something positive, which she's never done before. I've been quite ill with the flu these past few weeks and haven't been cooking and cleaning like usual, and she was talking abut assisted living in terms of how nice it would be to have everything provided for her. I'm wondering if backing off and doing the bare minimum of housework (without letting things get to the point of squalor, of course), might sway her toward considering that option more.
Honestly, at this point I *would* like to just pack up and disappear, but financially I don't see how I could. I just plain waited too long to be able to take that option.
(for the record, if I ever do get out of here, *both* cats are coming with me. I've bought and paid for "their" cat a hundred times over at this point.)
What do your parents due for money? Your mother might qualify for a disability check but, of course, she would need to be evaluated by a doctor. I thought you were going to say your dad was dead; it is inexcusable that he has burdened you with this since you were a child.
I know you will disagree, but I would never spend 2k on a pet, especially one that isn't even mine. I do know people who have spent thousands on vet bills, but they could well afford it. You can't. You are more important than your mother's cat. Read that last sentence again.
Why isn't your family doing anything to help? Can you stay with any of them short term?
Record your mother for a couple of days or a week and have them listen to it. It might be what they need to hear.
See how much gov't assistance you can get on your own and unemployed. The two grand going to the cat should be part of your bail out money. There are also "free stores" that provide clothes. Ask a social worker what is available in your area. While you are speaking with a social worker, see what kind of counseling you can get.
Find the homeless shelter and/or women's resource center in your area. Make sure that you can stay there for a couple of days. Then, tell your dad that you are tired of living in Hell and that if he doesn't pull his head out of his ass and get his wife the help she needs, you are walking out the door. Give him five working days to make progress. If he doesn't, walk out the door. If he responds with a "you can't leave, you don't have anyplace to go" walk out the door. Do not call him for a minimum of 48 hours. Ask him what he has done to get his wife help. If he says, "nothing." Tell him that you won't be back until he acts like a responsible adult and hang up the phone.
can't you just do the pills for the cat my dog has a thyroid condition but takes a pill and she just turned age 14.
even if you spend 2000 what is to say the cat does not get something else and more money. would a shelter have the shot cheaper.
OP, I've read your posts about this situation in the past. It sounds like you haven't done anything to make your situation any better since then. Only you can fix this problem. Start learning to say "no" to your parents and remember that no one else is going to address this situation for you.
And I'm sorry, but putting a cat's surgery on a credit card when you can't afford basic clothes or a hair cut is just insane. Tell your parents to pay for it or let the cat go.
OP, I've read your posts about this situation in the past. It sounds like you haven't done anything to make your situation any better since then. Only you can fix this problem. Start learning to say "no" to your parents and remember that no one else is going to address this situation for you.
And I'm sorry, but putting a cat's surgery on a credit card when you can't afford basic clothes or a hair cut is just insane. Tell your parents to pay for it or let the cat go.
Actually, I'm rather proud of the progress I've made this past year. I know that from outside it doesn't seem like anything has changed at all, and in many ways, that's absolutely true. But I HAVE been trying to move forward.
Things I've done this year:
* I spoke to my doctor about my apathy and exhaustion. I never considered that I could be depressed because I associated depression with feelings of low self-worth, which I don't have, or, well, a feeling of overwhelming depression (which I also don't have). However, I *do* struggle with feeling like I lack the energy to even get out of bed, and that only makes it more difficult to make changes that require a lot of planning. My doctor started me on Lexapro, which after 8 weeks didn't seem to have any effect, and just recently switched me to Zoloft. I also got a referral to a therapist and I'm looking into my options there.
* I've been working on taking care of some health situations of my own that have been constantly pushed to the back burner because of my mother's issues, including scheduling a sleep study to make sure my constant exhaustion isn't stemming from a sleep disorder in addition to possible depression
* For the first time ever, I tried dating and entered into a relationship. While it didn't last (we parted mutually on good terms), it showed me I *could* get out of the house and interact with other people and basically do things for myself. Yes, mom's acting out made it more stressful than it should have been, but I *did* do it despite that and had some fun experiences. Now that I've proven to myself that I can do it (I'm not a terribly social person and meeting strangers is nerve-wracking for me), I plan to find a gaming group or writer's group in my area
* This is the first year where I've driven long distances and driven alone to new areas...driving is one my one big phobia, especially on highways (merging!), so this is a big deal for me. I'm much more confident now and being able to do so has given me more independence...now if I want to attend an event, I'm not reliant on finding someone else to go with me.
* I gave myself permission to no longer interact with toxic people despite pressure to play nice and 'take the high road'. This primarily involves my sister, and I haven't interacted with her in better than six months because speaking to her is incredibly stressful for me. I've always caved to pressure to interact and be nice, and this is the first time I've said 'screw it' and let myself place my mental health over my mother's desire to play happy family.
So, yeah, baby steps, but I'm still proud of these things and I have genuinely been trying to improve, even if the improvement right now is mostly in the area of self-confidence and health. I feel like I've done more 'self-work' this year than in the last decade, and I'm going to let myself feel good about that.
And the cat issue is not negotiable. The cats come first, always. I would sell every single thing I owned to take care of those cats, and if the house were on fire, I'd save them before anything (or anyone) else. Sane or not, that's just how it is. Those two cats are the only ones who give me a reason to smile each and every day...it's not even a matter of feeling responsible, I just want her healthy and around because she's my buddy and she deserves to feel as good as possible.
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