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I have no personal experience with the end of caregiving: I'm still in the thick of it. I certainly have experience with getting no support from family members or most of my former friends. I recalled an article from the New York Times New Old Age column that I thought might resonate with you, though.
OK, you asked...I will tell you what I discovered while caring for my mother. My siblings were used to me handling things - particularly with things concerning my mother. I was always my mother's go to child when she got older.
I assumed that my siblings could "see" that I was starting to get overwhelmed after 15 years when my mother got seriously ill. They were/are not mind readers. I finally called them and said "I need some help!. All three did what they could to help- even with 2 of them being 3000 miles away. My mother lived another 5 years and we eventually moved her into assisted care near my siblings 3000 miles from me. They stepped up once I verbalized what specific things I needed. Same with my friends that had experienced something similar in their lives- they were there to take me out for lunch just so I could have someone to talk to who had also been through caring for an ill family member.
I learned a valuable lesson. Some of us are a little too good at looking like we have everything under control. Particularly when others have never dealt with an ill family member. Don't assume that they know or understand what you are going thru or that you need help. You let them know what they can do to help in specific terms and they are not only willing, but, glad they are able to be of some help.
I am now much more aware when I see someone I think may need someone to take them out for a cup of coffee and just talk - but, I can now recognize the signs having gone through it myself. That was not the case before my mother became seriously ill.
I have learned to verbalize what I need and to be willing to ask others to help rather than trying to do everything myself. I am amazed now how many people are willing to help regarding all sorts of things if I ask them.
Most people are not mind readers - you need to speak up. When I first called my siblings for help they had no idea I was so stressed out. The common responsive was "I had no idea- why didn't you call sooner. Exactly what can I do to help?"
My experience with my siblings has been totally different from Mary2014's. With one exception, my siblings' reactions ranged from indifferent to hostile when approached for help. It isn't that they think I have it covered. It's that they seriously don't want to have to get involved. They're not bad people generally but I've seen some very bad behavior from them since my mother started needing help. I don't think this is that unusual, especially in families where relations between the parents and adult children have always been strained or distant. My one sister that does help would really prefer not to be involved either (as would I, if the truth be told) but she doesn't think it's fair to leave the whole burden on me. The others are desperately trying to believe their own excuses and don't want me piercing their delusions with my reality. So relations have become extremely difficult with them, to put it mildly. Every situation is different. You can't generalize from one family to another.
I want to agree 1000 % on the above post. It is so true! When anyone phones and says, "how're you doing?" The answer is usually "just fine." or "we're making it!" It's seldom that we get the real low down on what's going on.
I remember only too well the chewing-out that I got from one of my mother's neighbors when I made the decision to place Mother in a Nursing home. It was a bad day and I had had enough. I blew up and asked her a few questions about what SHE had done to make living at home easier. Nothing. It was as if she didn't know things like cooking, shopping, yard work still had to be done. And then I told her about the other more unpleasant things, like keeping her behind wiped clean. At the end of my rampage I felt a lot better and I'll bet the neighbor saw things a little differently.
Anyway. it's true. People just don't realize what has to be done. Just making and keeping the home safe for the elderly is a time consuming job. My mother thought that it was OK to lay the newspaper on top of the stove. It made it easier to read. The chance of fire never entered her poor mind. But it was things like that that made caring for her a 24hr per day task. You have to watch for problems even after they go to bed.
I think you should start looking for a new job in that city you want to live in. Find one and go. When the house sells, it sells. But I am betting you will have to lower the price.
You have to live for your present and future. You will probably choose your new friends more carefully. It's time to start over. Try to think of it as a do-over. That's more positive. You are a good person. You did the right thing. Now it's time to put your own life back in order.
One almost always stands alone in the bad times. That's just the way it is. Now if you win the lottery, you will have 'friends' out the wazoo. But those aren't really friends.
Let me clarify again: it's not my mother or caring for my mother that ruined my life; it's the lack of social support during and, even more so, after that did me in. It's making me hate people! Any former caregivers on here (or is there a separate forum for that) who can offer any advice or input?
My son's close friend left Boston in 2010 at age 30 to return to his hometown small Texas city and take care of his ailing grandparents. They're now in their mid-80s and he's still there, living with them, as their full-time caretaker. The only other relative is an older brother who lives 300 miles away and has a family.
One thing he did was to maintain/increase a strong social media presence, especially on Facebook. He's kept up that way with his friends back in Boston and NYC. He comments frequently on their posts, cheers their personal and professional accomplishments, and commiserates with them when things didn't go so well.
At the same time he posts many pictures and updates about his grandparents - funny and heartwarming ones as well as setbacks.
Gradually his friends "adopted" the grandparents as their own. Many of them have flown down and personally met them. When there's a health crisis (more and more frequently) they avidly support him via Facebook.
The young man - who is an artist and musician - also uses social media (Twitter & Facebook) to reach out to the local artistic/musical community. Over time, they too became part of his extended support group. Now when there's a health crisis, his new local friends step up to provide assistance, meals, etc.
It's amazing now how many of us throughout the country feel like we're part of his and his grandparent's lives. He posts and tweets frequently - usually several times a day and often with photos and keeps an upbeat attitude much of the time which makes everyone look forward to his posts. About half the posts have something to do with his grandparents or their many pets (we know them all by name!). The others might be about his own artistic works, or maybe just links to a funny or poignant youtube. When there's a setback, he asks for "prayers and good vibes, please", and never seems to feel sorry for himself. Every post/tweet he makes gets dozens of responses.
When the grandparents die, there's zero doubt this young man will be able to quickly resume his former active social life. But what's remarkable is how many people will genuinely grieve their passing.
So the internet, especially social media, can provide a way to maintain and even extend one's social life when isolated. The best way is to do like this young man did and be proactive about reaching out and including others.
OK, you asked...I will tell you what I discovered while caring for my mother. My siblings were used to me handling things - particularly with things concerning my mother. I was always my mother's go to child when she got older.
I assumed that my siblings could "see" that I was starting to get overwhelmed after 15 years when my mother got seriously ill. They were/are not mind readers. I finally called them and said "I need some help!. All three did what they could to help- even with 2 of them being 3000 miles away. My mother lived another 5 years and we eventually moved her into assisted care near my siblings 3000 miles from me. They stepped up once I verbalized what specific things I needed. Same with my friends that had experienced something similar in their lives- they were there to take me out for lunch just so I could have someone to talk to who had also been through caring for an ill family member.
I learned a valuable lesson. Some of us are a little too good at looking like we have everything under control. Particularly when others have never dealt with an ill family member. Don't assume that they know or understand what you are going thru or that you need help. You let them know what they can do to help in specific terms and they are not only willing, but, glad they are able to be of some help.
I am now much more aware when I see someone I think may need someone to take them out for a cup of coffee and just talk - but, I can now recognize the signs having gone through it myself. That was not the case before my mother became seriously ill.
I have learned to verbalize what I need and to be willing to ask others to help rather than trying to do everything myself. I am amazed now how many people are willing to help regarding all sorts of things if I ask them.
Most people are not mind readers - you need to speak up. When I first called my siblings for help they had no idea I was so stressed out. The common responsive was "I had no idea- why didn't you call sooner. Exactly what can I do to help?"
Mary2014
Well first to the OP, you're a hero not a zero, so you got that backwards.
Mary, that's great that your siblings stepped in, however MANY TIMES that is not the case.
And it has nothing to do with people being mind readers, you could stand on your head asking for help and none will be forthcoming.
BTW, the OP said family support. That could be cousins or aunts or uncles. They never mentioned having any siblings.
But in most cases caregiving falls on one adult child with little to no help being given by other adult children, of course they're the first ones on the scene for the reading of the will and going through the house.
You were very lucky, your situation is not the norm.
I think you should start looking for a new job in that city you want to live in. Find one and go. When the house sells, it sells. But I am betting you will have to lower the price.
You have to live for your present and future. You will probably choose your new friends more carefully. It's time to start over. Try to think of it as a do-over. That's more positive. You are a good person. You did the right thing. Now it's time to put your own life back in order.
One almost always stands alone in the bad times. That's just the way it is. Now if you win the lottery, you will have 'friends' out the wazoo. But those aren't really friends.
Excellent advice. Be proud of what you have done; you did what many cannot.
Now ~ it is time for a 'do over'. And it is never too late to start over.
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