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Sorry to keep coming back here with yet another question, but being the sole caregiver for my elderly Mom (95 next week!) and with slight to no support, I'm finding this forum so helpful with suggestions and ideas.
Lately -- as in approximately the last 3 months -- it seems she and I have been butting heads rather often. For example, normally she has accepted what I fixed for our evening meal. I always fix things that we've had before and that she has liked. What has been happening recently is that I will already have dinner in the oven or in the middle of preparation, and she'll ask me what we are having and then will say, ," and she will ask for"Oh, I don't want that something that I don't have on hand, or she will ask for soup. If I can't provide her with an acceptable substitute, then she'll merely pick at the meal. If I provide a substitute, then I end up throwing away half of what I had already been preparing.
Of more concern to me are the remarks she is making now about not liking animals in the house. To explain, my sisters and I have always been "pet people". Growing up, our childhoods were spent in somewhat remote locations due to the nature of our Dad's job -- we didn't live in town, we lived a mile or more outside town. So although we had friends, usually we only saw them at school and we were on our own at home with each other. We always had a couple of family pets (cat and dog), and because we lived in the woods we often had other "pets" (captured snakes, lizards, frogs ... baby birds that fell out of their nests, things like that). These other pets would be indoors or outdoors depending on the situation. We read books about animals (novels plus non-fiction), we studied the ones we had, etc. and etc.
Mom was known to not particularly like having our "pets" in the house, mainly because she didn't want to end up cleaning up after them. Then there was the night that the whole family was up until the wee hours, crawling around on the floor with all the lights on, searching out the 12 baby lizards that had escaped from a tipped-over shoebox ....
At present, here at Mom's we/I have a small dog (mostly Mom's pet), 2 parakeets (one of which is mostly Mom's pet), a cat and 3 small rabbits and a quail. The cat, one parakeet, rabbits and quail are my pets.
Because I had to begin keeping a very close eye on Mom about a year ago when she was put on Coumadin, I moved my computer setup to one end of the livingroom, and the cages for the rabbits and the quail are at the very end of the livingroom behind my computer desk, filing cabinet, etc. Where Mom sits is at the other end of the livingroom. Room is fairly good-sized, she is easily 15 feet from these pets. They are quiet, I keep their cages clean so there is no odor, and so on. They don't take away time needed to do what is needed to be done for her, she is not paying for their feed.
A month or so ago she complained about "all the animals" in the house.
Last week when my husband was here for Christmas, she asked him (when I was out of the room) if he would take "these animals" back to the home my husband and I bought (85 miles one way drive). He told her he already had enough animals there, thank-you (our dog, our older cat, and 2 birds).
Yesterday morning while I was combing her hair, she told me that she wanted "all these animals" out of the house, that she could not believe it was healthy to have them here, that we were breathing the same air they have breathed and it was making her "sick"!
I told her that taking the animals away is not going to happen. For one thing, they are my only friends -- I don't have any friends in this town (moved here only 7 years ago to look after my folks) and I don't have any time away from her to go out and MAKE friends. These critters give me opportunities to laugh throughout the day with their various antics, they are also cuddly and calming and affectionate. If some bug gets in, the cat goes after it relentlessly. Etc. So basically, I told her that if she insists that the animals have to go, then I will also leave and she'll need to decide what she wants to do about having someone else take care of her. I didn't shout or anything, I just told her.
I didn't like to say that. I don't like thinking about it, either. But the animals are NOT making her sick, none of her infirmities of the last years have anything to do with the pets in any way, and it's not just "her house" anymore, because I live here too. I'm not willing to give up everything that matters to me during this time that I am caring for her.
Why is she acting like this suddenly? She actually has been feeling overall quite a bit better in the last 3 months, eating better, looking better, more energy, etc. She was not argumentative before, but now she is.
Also, your house in the way of
Oh, and she also had decided -- on her own -- last month to start giving me $500 a month to help me and my husband out financially. I didn't ask for this, but of course she knows things are tight and that I can't get even a part-time job while I am caring for her. I so appreciated it. Then last week, she said something about giving each of us 3 girls some money every month as a gift ... to which I remarked that she didn't need to give me any, because she is already giving me the $500 a month. And she said, "Who says?" I reminded her about the plan she put in place a month ago, and she had given me $500 at that time. I asked her, "Are you now going to take that back?" And she didn't say one way or the other, but she said "Well, I don't remember saying that." This kind of made me feel a bit defensive ... is she saying she doesn't believe she said it, that I made it up? I don't have a problem with her being forgetful at times, it comes with the territory, but when I clarify this or that to her I don't want her thinking that I am lying to her about it. Other than back when I was 10 and a couple of high school shenanigans, I don't lie to my Mother.
I don't know enough about dementia to know whether the above things are any kind of sign of it. Up until these fairly recent matters, she's been her typically sweet self, easy-going about things. Now she seems sharp tempered and disgruntled quite often, for no reason I can see.
She doesn't have dementia.. you are not "getting" her. She's only 15 feet away fom the animals and she doesn't like that. Fifteen feet is not a lot of room. It makes her nervous and with her previous experience, when you were kids, she felt like had to clean all the time when they ( the pets) were around. She see's them an environmentlly "unhealthly " and that's not going to change. When she paid you the EXTRA $500, ( outside of the rent) the gift was meant to be divided up between three people ( probably for X-mas). When she said "Who SAYS? She's is saying she is free to do with what she wants with her money You both are having a "battling of the wills" and it will get wore so you need to find her a place for awhile and move back some other time. She doesn't want to make friends, she wants to be around people her own age.
She needs more space and is getting cranky is all. It's not that hard. Give her some space. She didn't ASK to get old.. so there is some ego here as well. Her $500 could go to an assisted living situation as well and that is probably why she is hinting around at that idea. ( in a round-about way)
As far as the eating situation.. she is pushing you towards the assisted living idea. She wants different things to eat and wants some type of menu.
Also, Somehow the way you arranged everything in your house feels "crammed" to her. A corner is too "tight" and that is where you said you kept all of the animals and computer equipment.
Last edited by thegreenflute334; 01-04-2015 at 03:22 PM..
Also, Somehow the way you arranged everything in your house feels "crammed" to her. A corner is too "tight" and that is where you said you kept all of the animals and computer equipment.
I thought it was her mom's house and she's laying down all the rules in her mom's house. The mother is also probably providing financial support, and the daughter has set up in her house with all these animals. Giving her money is a way of telling her to get more independent and perhaps move out. What's left unmentioned is that they have probably let her know that they needed or wanted financial help.
There's a lot of that in this forum from family caregivers who come on and complain about money like the one who bought a bigger house and was lobbying her parents to move in so she could jack up the rents.
Try getting the durable power of attorney before it's too late. Please don't pay attention to those who are so judgmental. People who haven't walked in your shoes don't understand. Your mom feels like she's losing control and she is. Just try to somehow make it smoother without having to change too much. Do not dwell on the negative things people may write in a forum. Eliminate the negative and think of the positive during this stressful time.
I thought it was her mom's house and she's laying down all the rules in her mom's house. The mother is also probably providing financial support, and the daughter has set up in her house with all these animals. Giving her money is a way of telling her to get more independent and perhaps move out. What's left unmentioned is that they have probably let her know that they needed or wanted financial help.
There's a lot of that in this forum from family caregivers who come on and complain about money like the one who bought a bigger house and was lobbying her parents to move in so she could jack up the rents.
Okay, I mis-read where she moved in to the mother's house. It doesn't sound like she has dementia to me. It sounds like she is cranky. I personally couldn't live with three rabbits, a paraket a dog and whatever and I am no where near 95. At 95, a person has a few things to look forward to. It's not running around and making friends, it's simplicity really. The mother still wants be in control of her menu, her surroundings, if she wants to give a gift, she obviously gets "nervous": with these animals... and also by 95, i think the whole "family" subject would be outdated. The love is there but the kids are not 4,5, and 6 anymore. Or even 30,40 and 50. I would put own mother in assisted living. The only reason is she's too damn independent. SHe would be wanting to re-install the windows once she got there. She wouldn't want to see us everyday. She would hate the idea of us having to cook for her everyday. She would hate everything about it really. That type of temperment ahould be expected. ( I am not saying it's easy to deal with) but my mother would be just as cranky. Whether it is decided or insisted that she stays there.. she still needs to get out of the family thing for at least three hours a day.
Try getting the durable power of attorney before it's too late. Please don't pay attention to those who are so judgmental. People who haven't walked in your shoes don't understand. Your mom feels like she's losing control and she is. Just try to somehow make it smoother without having to change too much. Do not dwell on the negative things people may write in a forum. Eliminate the negative and think of the positive during this stressful time.
Oh. come one-- really? Nasty stuff, huh? The daughter is saying that she has no friends by taking care her mother ( or no life) She is also saying that her mother seems to be improving as far her health ( thanks to her) but its just an emeshed situation. The mothers house has to paid for so I would think the only thing is the utilites. I would still consider the assisted living situation to where she could play bingo and share her stories, go to church.. see a different view and that kind of thing. Even if it's temporary. There is certainly nothing wrong with that.
To clarify -- the house is my Mother's and is paid for. She doesn't pay me to live here and help her, and I never expected her to ... but my husband and I ran into some unforeseen expenses in the last few years and Mother's offer to give me $500 a month to help with those expenses was very appreciated. I don't know yet whether she intends to continue giving it to me -- when she initially brought it up, her intent was to do it regularly. Now I'm not sure, but we will have to discuss it later this week. She can OF COURSE do whatever she likes with her money, that's not an issue in any way, but since she was already giving me $500 a month (as I thought was to be the case), I didn't see any reason for her to have to give me MORE money per month (re her idea of giving each of us 3 girls a certain amount every month).
Mother does not want to be in assisted living at all. She can't see well enough to participate in games and says she is not interested in meeting other people. We girls did get her a keyboard for Christmas -- sized so she can hold it on her lap or put on a low enough table in front of her -- and she's been enjoying playing on that. She has always enjoyed playing piano and organ.
I'm also not laying down all the rules at Mother's house. But I'm a grown woman and a FEW things have to be my way because I too have a life to live.
I tend to think "cranky" more than dementia, but am keeping a watchful eye out.
^^ She may have an eccelerated increase in anxiety. It would be worth the office visit to find out. The generics run around $4.00 a month depending on what her doctor puts her on. ( if any) If she is already taking anxiety meds, her dose may need to be increased.
I think you're correct. She's cranky as in she puts up with the increased stress from the animals for a time and then explodes on occasion. All the daughter is seeing is the outbursts. The reality is that this is a constant problem for her. Maybe she can keep the animals in a different room.
ok, as a former elderlaw paralegal let me just start by saying I applaud you for taking such great care of your mother. She is very lucky to have you.
Now for the nitty gritty. You need to get a backbone. You cannot allow your mother to rule your home.
Sounds like her dementia is pretty bad I am guessing a 4 or 5 but I am not sure.
I say this to almost everyone in this forum but you need to find an Certified Elderlaw Attorney in your area Find a CELA. Yes, an attorney is expensive, but they can save you thousand and thousands in the long run with nursing home and assisted living care.
You need to start calling your elder counsel, organizations and state help to find out how you can help her get into an assisted living facility.
Start taking her to lunch at these facilities, or go when they are having a party or something so she gets used to them as being fun and nice not people sitting in wheelchairs dooling.
Talk to her doctor about your concerns and ask what he thinks you should do, nursing home or alf.
Make sure you know her power of attorney, health care directive and living will are less then 5 years old as the laws change all the time on these documents.
Was your father in the military? if so there are benefits your mother can get like assisted living or in home care.
Now for the nitty gritty. You need to get a backbone. You cannot allow your mother to rule your home.
Backbone? It's her mother's home! It's a difficult situation, but I totally get her mom having problems with all the animals brought into her home. OP needs them for her comfort; Mom needs them not to be there for hers.
Mostly, I think the current situation is not sustainable and the daughters need to jointly figure out an alternative so OP can go home to her husband and resume her life, Mom can be looked after, and nobody is draining Mom's assets for anything but Mom's care.
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The daughter is saying that she has no friends by taking care her mother ( or no life) She is also saying that her mother seems to be improving as far her health ( thanks to her) but its just an emeshed situation. The mothers house has to paid for so I would think the only thing is the utilites. I would still consider the assisted living situation to where she could play bingo and share her stories, go to church.. see a different view and that kind of thing. Even if it's temporary. There is certainly nothing wrong with that.
