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My mother, mentally with us, funny, personable, and I like being around her. Sadly she's a high fall risk and will need 24/7 supervision. She was home before and my brother and I tried doing it, We were exhausted and miserable. I paid for some help but it was very expensive. She fell and went back into rehab. Even with our time minimum of 40 hours a wk each I figured that help would cost me about $46,000 a year. We looked at every option so she could come home and be safe. Her house needs serious work and with her medical bills she can't afford to fix them or even pay her taxes. The list goes on.
We finally realized that we just can not work, take care of our family, our house, my mother, fix her house, cover her on what she can not pay, pay for help, but oh the dread of having to tell her. My brother told me he wanted to ask his girlfriend to marry him but won't because if we decide to bring mom home it won't be fair to a wife.
If she came home her activity would be get up, eat breakfast, watch TV, therapy, lunch, take a nap, watch TV, eat dinner, TV, then to bed for the night. This could go on for years.
I just wish she would realize what she want she expecting and say to us... "I really want to go home but I realize it's not realistic. I know you've looked at every way you could but it's too much. I can't expect you to pay for it and i want you to have a life too. It's nice here and I've made friends and it's best for me to stay here."..... It's not as if we don't visit her a lot, take her out to dinner or shopping, bring her to our homes, call her when we are not there. We won't forget about her. Instead I know we'll get the crying, the depression, the guilt feelings, the crying, the "I wanna go home".
We've decided to tell her, this is not going to be fun. Just a vent.
My mother, mentally with us, funny, personable, and I like being around her. Sadly she's a high fall risk and will need 24/7 supervision. She was home before and my brother and I tried doing it, We were exhausted and miserable. I paid for some help but it was very expensive. She fell and went back into rehab. Even with our time minimum of 40 hours a wk each I figured that help would cost me about $46,000 a year. We looked at every option so she could come home and be safe. Her house needs serious work and with her medical bills she can't afford to fix them or even pay her taxes. The list goes on.
We finally realized that we just can not work, take care of our family, our house, my mother, fix her house, cover her on what she can not pay, pay for help, but oh the dread of having to tell her. My brother told me he wanted to ask his girlfriend to marry him but won't because if we decide to bring mom home it won't be fair to a wife.
If she came home her activity would be get up, eat breakfast, watch TV, therapy, lunch, take a nap, watch TV, eat dinner, TV, then to bed for the night. This could go on for years.
I just wish she would realize what she want she expecting and say to us... "I really want to go home but I realize it's not realistic. I know you've looked at every way you could but it's too much. I can't expect you to pay for it and i want you to have a life too. It's nice here and I've made friends and it's best for me to stay here."..... It's not as if we don't visit her a lot, take her out to dinner or shopping, bring her to our homes, call her when we are not there. We won't forget about her. Instead I know we'll get the crying, the depression, the guilt feelings, the crying, the "I wanna go home".
We've decided to tell her, this is not going to be fun. Just a vent.
Just a shout out from someone who knows what it's like. I had the same problem with my mom. Finally her last hospitalization, the social workers told her she can't go home again so I didn't have to. She is now in an ALF that agreed to let her spend down and stay once she's on Medicaid...but she will have to share her tiny little room once that happens! That day is coming, she is just about out of money and I am getting ready to start the dreaded Medicaid application process. I dread telling her she is going to have to be moved in with a roommate. She's a loner and like me, she loves time with herself. I have to just hope she gets someone nice and that she likes. I feel so badly for her though, and I feel like a bit of a failure that I don't have a house the she could move into with me (I live in a 1 bedroom second floor apartment). She is already depressed and I have been procrastinating telling her the time is coming very fast.
Might you all sell her house, or do a reverse mortgage on it....it pay for care to keep her at home longer?
When I thought my mom was looking at just a year's work of private pay money. I call a couple of facilities that were personally recommended. (either we had a relative already there or they were recommended by our attorney's office).
I asked the admin people if the choice were:
1) keep mom at home and spend down there, then apply for Medicaid
2) get into a place private pay now, so she choose where she wants and can stay later...apply for Medicaid after she's been there.
And both admin people said keep her at home as long as you can....
I thought of this just in case there was anyway to pay of home private care -- or a facility.
Just a shout out from someone who knows what it's like. I had the same problem with my mom. Finally her last hospitalization, the social workers told her she can't go home again so I didn't have to. She is now in an ALF that agreed to let her spend down and stay once she's on Medicaid...but she will have to share her tiny little room once that happens! That day is coming, she is just about out of money and I am getting ready to start the dreaded Medicaid application process. I dread telling her she is going to have to be moved in with a roommate. She's a loner and like me, she loves time with herself. I have to just hope she gets someone nice and that she likes. I feel so badly for her though, and I feel like a bit of a failure that I don't have a house the she could move into with me (I live in a 1 bedroom second floor apartment). She is already depressed and I have been procrastinating telling her the time is coming very fast.
Good luck and my prayers go out to you.
I would get started as soon as you can on the Medicaid application process. My sister and I had to put my dad in a ALF in February. It is a long process, and just be sure and provide all the information they ask for, as it makes everything easier. We are hoping to hear something next week (after the holiday) confirming that dad is now approved and on Medicaid.
Might you all sell her house, or do a reverse mortgage on it....it pay for care to keep her at home longer?
When I thought my mom was looking at just a year's work of private pay money. I call a couple of facilities that were personally recommended. (either we had a relative already there or they were recommended by our attorney's office).
I asked the admin people if the choice were:
1) keep mom at home and spend down there, then apply for Medicaid
2) get into a place private pay now, so she choose where she wants and can stay later...apply for Medicaid after she's been there.
And both admin people said keep her at home as long as you can....
I thought of this just in case there was anyway to pay of home private care -- or a facility.
My prayers go out for you...
We are bringing mom here for a holiday picnic so we didn't tell her yet so thank you for brainstorming with me, I'll never be ready to throw the towel in completely and I'm open to any and all ideas. We were looking into a reverse mortgage but there is a lot of negative things about it. I won't go into it now but be very careful when considering it.
My mom was doing better and was going to come home on that Friday, but the Monday of that week she fell and fractured her L2 (her back) in occupational therapy. She then had to have back surgery. Before that we were considering a reverse mortgage but now didn't want to do anything because she was now medicaid pending and the only way she could stay for recovery and physical therapy. She had run out of medicare and had no means to pay.
We just received notification that she was approved for medicaid. We are looking into getting help at home but they can only give max 6 hours a day which anything helps but between my brother and I (40 hours each) and the help from medicaid I estimated the cost for home care help would be $31,000 a year.
The rehab place she is at now is very nice, clean, bright, not depressing and if there is any place she would like it would be this place. If she stays there mom has to pay all but $45 of her income to the rehab. If she had a reverse mortgage either she would have defaulted on the mortgage or she could use up the funds to get her home but there wouldn't have been much left after she paid her medical bills.
I would get started as soon as you can on the Medicaid application process. My sister and I had to put my dad in a ALF in February. It is a long process, and just be sure and provide all the information they ask for, as it makes everything easier. We are hoping to hear something next week (after the holiday) confirming that dad is now approved and on Medicaid.
When my mom took her stroke, she did not have a power of attorney. I had to pay her bills. When she got better, me and my brother became POA. She said to pay myself back but with medical bills and her bills it added up and I had to pay myself back here and there. I still didn't get all my money back but that's ok. She did a great job with her money but I knew she would need financial help at some point. If I had POA I would have just paid her bills with her money and subsidized what she needed. Paying for help for her to come home is just too much for me to handle. What makes me mad is with the taxes I pay if I could keep just a portion I could do it but instead money our family could use goes out the window.
When she applied for medicaid paying myself back caused a lot of confusion, they even acted like I was stealing. I was able to prove what happened because I kept records and was able to match it up and she was approved.
What a nightmare. So I have to say, anyone with elderly parents, make sure you confirm they have a power of attorney. The headaches and stress caused was unbelievable. I was ready to pull my hair out. If you don't have a power of attorney, don't dump on your kids, make someone POA.
My mother, mentally with us, funny, personable, and I like being around her. Sadly she's a high fall risk and will need 24/7 supervision. She was home before and my brother and I tried doing it, We were exhausted and miserable. I paid for some help but it was very expensive. She fell and went back into rehab. Even with our time minimum of 40 hours a wk each I figured that help would cost me about $46,000 a year. We looked at every option so she could come home and be safe. Her house needs serious work and with her medical bills she can't afford to fix them or even pay her taxes. The list goes on.
We finally realized that we just can not work, take care of our family, our house, my mother, fix her house, cover her on what she can not pay, pay for help, but oh the dread of having to tell her. My brother told me he wanted to ask his girlfriend to marry him but won't because if we decide to bring mom home it won't be fair to a wife.
If she came home her activity would be get up, eat breakfast, watch TV, therapy, lunch, take a nap, watch TV, eat dinner, TV, then to bed for the night. This could go on for years.
I just wish she would realize what she want she expecting and say to us... "I really want to go home but I realize it's not realistic. I know you've looked at every way you could but it's too much. I can't expect you to pay for it and i want you to have a life too. It's nice here and I've made friends and it's best for me to stay here."..... It's not as if we don't visit her a lot, take her out to dinner or shopping, bring her to our homes, call her when we are not there. We won't forget about her. Instead I know we'll get the crying, the depression, the guilt feelings, the crying, the "I wanna go home".
We've decided to tell her, this is not going to be fun. Just a vent.
As someone who has worked extensively with the elderly, I applaud your decision. It's probably one of the toughest choices you'll ever have to make but it's a necessary one. Too often I see families that are unwilling to deal with the fallout of that fateful conversation so they leave their parent out there in the world, alone and confused even when surrounded by loved ones.
Whether it's living alone with familial support and the assistance of home healthcare or sharing a house where the daily routine increasingly has to be built around them....often at the cost of domestic tranquility, it becomes a drain. Making the decision doesn't feel good and occasionally it doesn't end well but more often than not, people learn to accept their circumstances and adapt. After a time, many will even come to see the wisdom of the choice and actually enjoy the structure of their new surroundings. I wish you well and hope your mom becomes one of the later.
I would get started as soon as you can on the Medicaid application process. My sister and I had to put my dad in a ALF in February. It is a long process, and just be sure and provide all the information they ask for, as it makes everything easier. We are hoping to hear something next week (after the holiday) confirming that dad is now approved and on Medicaid.
Ugh, that's what I am dreading. I am ADD and highly unorganized. I did my best with records but I don't have every single receipt for grocery stores and things like that, especially since she still uses her account herself, too. What did they ask for?
Ugh, that's what I am dreading. I am ADD and highly unorganized. I did my best with records but I don't have every single receipt for grocery stores and things like that, especially since she still uses her account herself, too. What did they ask for?
We were never told to save grocery store receipts or things like that. What you will need:
Verification of ALL Income/Pensions (monthly)
Social Security
Pensions
Railroad retirement
Any annuities
Mineral/oil/surface/royalty rights
If Social Security is deposited into bank account that is acceptable. Every other retirement income needs to have a current award letter or check stub.
Verification of ALL Policies
Life insurance
Preneed Burial Contract
Burial Spaces or plots
All policies must have the current date and month
All policies must have the most current face and cash value
Property
House
Automobiles
If you own your home, tax appraisal is required
If you own your own car, car title is required
If both husband and wife are still married (and living), all information on both is required.
It may vary by state, but we are in Texas. In Texas, if applicant's gross monthly income exceeds $2,199, a Qualified Income Trust (QIT) aka Miller Trust is necessary. (We went to the bank to set this up.)
Your legal representative will sit you down and go over all of this with you. You will then gather the information, and they may ask for other information. It does take time. My dad entered the ALF on Feb. 14, and we are just now thinking we are about to find out he is approved.
If there is a community spouse (in our case my mother is still living at home and I am her caregiver), it is much easier to get the person going into ALF qualified for Medicaid.
Monthly, you will also need to provide your legal office with copies of the checking account, QIT account (if one is needed). We use a debit card for most purchases (groceries, etc.) and write a few checks for bills which are processed in another state.
We were never told to save grocery store receipts or things like that. What you will need:
Verification of ALL Income/Pensions (monthly)
Social Security
Pensions
Railroad retirement
Any annuities
Mineral/oil/surface/royalty rights
If Social Security is deposited into bank account that is acceptable. Every other retirement income needs to have a current award letter or check stub.
Verification of ALL Policies
Life insurance
Preneed Burial Contract
Burial Spaces or plots
All policies must have the current date and month
All policies must have the most current face and cash value
Property
House
Automobiles
If you own your home, tax appraisal is required
If you own your own car, car title is required
If both husband and wife are still married (and living), all information on both is required.
It may vary by state, but we are in Texas. In Texas, if applicant's gross monthly income exceeds $2,199, a Qualified Income Trust (QIT) aka Miller Trust is necessary. (We went to the bank to set this up.)
Your legal representative will sit you down and go over all of this with you. You will then gather the information, and they may ask for other information. It does take time. My dad entered the ALF on Feb. 14, and we are just now thinking we are about to find out he is approved.
If there is a community spouse (in our case my mother is still living at home and I am her caregiver), it is much easier to get the person going into ALF qualified for Medicaid.
Monthly, you will also need to provide your legal office with copies of the checking account, QIT account (if one is needed). We use a debit card for most purchases (groceries, etc.) and write a few checks for bills which are processed in another state.
Hope this helps!
It helps a lot! I thought I would have to have receipts for everything; for instance she'd ask me to get her pull-ups and I'd go to CVS and put it on a debit card to her checking account that I have POA for. I always write every transaction down in a notebook, for instance I write "CVS $35.75, pull-ups" but I don't have actual receipts. It's awful that I feel like I'm getting ready to go through an IRS audit, like I've done something wrong even though I haven't, lol.
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