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I'm looking for suggestions for my dad. He has early-onset Alzheimer's. He's reached a stage where he walks around the house constantly, checking the doors to try to get out. He's wearing disposable briefs, but he pulls them down and urinates anywhere he happens to be. This has gotten to be really difficult to deal with. For example, last week we were celebrating a birthday at my house and he peed in my kitchen cupboard where I store pans.
He's been checked for a UTI already. The bathroom problems used to happen only at night but now they happen all the time. He's got a liquid restriction of 2 liters a day for other health problems, but he must be drinking out of faucets when my mom isn't looking.
My sister has already said that my parents can't visit her house anymore because of the urine problem. I don't want to treat my parents like that, because my mom already feels bad because she can't take my dad anywhere anymore, but the only way I can prevent accidents is to follow my dad around constantly while he's here, dodging my mother as she attempts to stop me for conversation, because if she distracts me for a second, that's when an accident will happen. One of my kids has to put a chair against the front door and sit there to prevent my dad from escaping. My other kid tries to help follow him around and direct him to the bathroom, but he says mean things to her. He has started kicking my dog for no reason and I'm afraid my kid is next. We have visits like this once or twice a week.
Any suggestions? If we could just handle the urinating issue, I think I could manage the rest. I already put locks on all the bedroom and closet doors, and we lock them before he comes over, and just leave the bathroom door open and the bathroom light on so he can find it.
My heart goes out to you. I went through this with my MIL and FIL. He even called 911 once and told them he was locked in the house and couldn't get out. I was in another room at the time or I would have stopped him. The cops came and fortunately dad didn't make much sense so they believed me that I wasn't holding him against his will. But that's what you've got to look forward to.
Call your local Alzheimers association for yourself and have mom call them too. They can give you suggestions on what to do. More importantly though.. who's taking care of poor mom while she's struggling to live with him? It's got to be really hard on her emotionally and physically. How about your other sister watch Dad while you take mom out? or vice versa?
My heart goes out to you. I went through this with my MIL and FIL. He even called 911 once and told them he was locked in the house and couldn't get out. I was in another room at the time or I would have stopped him. The cops came and fortunately dad didn't make much sense so they believed me that I wasn't holding him against his will. But that's what you've got to look forward to.
Call your local Alzheimers association for yourself and have mom call them too. They can give you suggestions on what to do. More importantly though.. who's taking care of poor mom while she's struggling to live with him? It's got to be really hard on her emotionally and physically. How about your other sister watch Dad while you take mom out? or vice versa?
She takes him to adult day care three days a week and he has a volunteer senior companion who goes with them to doctor's appointments and restaurants. She could afford to put him into a memory care facility, but she says she's not ready to be single.
When I try to watch him so that my mom can have a break, she won't ever come back when she says she will...an hour and a half trip to church becomes a 5 hour absence, for example. I have to watch him at her house because he can be locked in there (I won't put a double keyed deadbolt on my house because I have young children) and my kids and I are allergic to the cats at their house, so we end up sick for 5 or 6 days every time we go over there to help. She also wants me to go places with the two of them, like chase him through Walmart for an hour and a half because she thinks it's good for him to go places, and I just can't walk that fast for that long. When my youngest sister came to town for a visit, Mom wanted her to go with them to a nightclub, so that she could help watch Dad there. My sister refused and said it was inappropriate for Dad to go to a nightclub in his condition, and my mom threw a huge fit.
My other sister won't do anything to help, ever. She just had a baby but even before that she would just pretend her phone was broken when we called her to ask if she could help with an emergency.
I think you all need to have a come to reality meeting with your mom. It is really time to have him in a memory care facilty or have a caretaker there to watch and care for him. You have kids, your sister has a baby and your other sister is out of town.
An intervention is needed for your Dad and for your Mom. It is obvious from what she is doing that she wants out from underneath and probably has a lot of guilt in feeling that way.
I think you all need to have a come to reality meeting with your mom. It is really time to have him in a memory care facilty or have a caretaker there to watch and care for him. You have kids, your sister has a baby and your other sister is out of town.
An intervention is needed for your Dad and for your Mom. It is obvious from what she is doing that she wants out from underneath and probably has a lot of guilt in feeling that way.
We've done that a couple of times. She cries and starts screaming and runs out the door. The last time, about a month ago, we already had the chair in front of the door from keeping Dad in, and my sister sat in it and talked to my mom about needing to find care for Dad so that Mom can have some kind of life. She screamed and held her belly until my sister moved, then she ran out.
Dad started seeing a geriatrician recently and the geriatrician is talking about needing to find a placement for Dad. Mom told me she's afraid to take him to the doctor because she thinks they're going to say she can't have him anymore.
I've tried to tell her that she could spend as much time with him as she wanted if he was in a facility, it would just mean that she could go to the grocery store like a normal person, or go to church if she wanted, or even have a nap and know that someone was watching him. She tried to tell me that putting him in a facility would mean she was breaking her wedding vows. I told her that Dad always tried to take care of her and make sure she had a good life while he was able, and that he wouldn't want her to have to live the way she is right now. (I also think living somewhere with a schedule, real meals instead of a dollar burger from McDonalds, and not having to go out to unfamiliar places all the time would be better for my dad.)
She's forgotten to lock the front door and he's wandered away several times recently, and the police have had to look for him.
I know when she brings him to my house, that's kind of a way for her to take a break, but it's really hard on all of us trying to keep him from peeing in the wrong places. She always wants to bring him on the weekends because the adult care center is closed and the volunteer companion doesn't do weekends.
I don't suppose what I'm about to say will be popular, but I don't want to sound incompassionate, either. I think you are a saint at this point, and you've done nothing wrong. But....
I see your mom as being the difficult one, not your dad (and I'm sure you agree). She's in denial and just being stubborn, but her husband is sole the center of her world right now, Period. She's not taking you into consideration, she's refusing to see how this is affecting you (and your sister, who simply does not have the tolerance you have, but it's still stressful on her, too), and she is ramifying the problem. I am afraid that something bad is going to happen if she insists on not doing anything about it, and that's likely to happen during one of those events when she forgets to lock the door. Then it's going to be even uglier for her.
And I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's about the point where she really has no choice in the matter. Have you consulted a counselor yourself to find out what your options are?
There comes a point when family cannot handle this on their own. This is do difficult, but it will only get worse. Talk to his/her doctor and find out your options.
Mom won't tell me who any of his doctors are, and none of them would talk to me if I did know. I think it would be easier for me to try to step in and take charge of things if my mom were older or showing signs of mental decline, but she's not. She gave my sister (the one with the baby who won't answer the phone in emergencies) medical power of attorney, but that only goes into effect if something happens to my mom. The only reason she got that done was that two years ago she had a septic infection and I had to take care of my dad, and then my mom when she got out of the hospital. I was having health problems myself and my youngest sister had to drive out from California to take care of them so I could go to the hospital. After that my husband told my mom that she had to make a plan for emergency care for my dad, and that he and I weren't going to be the emergency plan the next time. So she got the medical POA and she hasn't spoken to my husband since.
Today they were supposed to come over while my husband was at work, but I was rather unenthusiastic when she called last night, and told her it would have to be a short visit. So she texted "goodbye" to me in the middle of the night. I had my sisters call her today to make sure she was okay and she told them that she has no local support, she feels totally hopeless because no one will watch Dad while she goes to church, and that I told her she was never welcome in my house again.
Wandering is a big problem. If it's beyond your mom's abilities with or without visiting assistants, the solution is to place him in an institution. If she doesn't want to leave him, they should probably admit themselves to a facility with a living arrangement that allows her to be independent and for him to receive the care that he needs.
She takes him to adult day care three days a week and he has a volunteer senior companion who goes with them to doctor's appointments and restaurants. She could afford to put him into a memory care facility, but she says she's not ready to be single.
When I try to watch him so that my mom can have a break, she won't ever come back when she says she will...an hour and a half trip to church becomes a 5 hour absence, for example. I have to watch him at her house because he can be locked in there (I won't put a double keyed deadbolt on my house because I have young children) and my kids and I are allergic to the cats at their house, so we end up sick for 5 or 6 days every time we go over there to help. She also wants me to go places with the two of them, like chase him through Walmart for an hour and a half because she thinks it's good for him to go places, and I just can't walk that fast for that long. When my youngest sister came to town for a visit, Mom wanted her to go with them to a nightclub, so that she could help watch Dad there. My sister refused and said it was inappropriate for Dad to go to a nightclub in his condition, and my mom threw a huge fit.
My other sister won't do anything to help, ever. She just had a baby but even before that she would just pretend her phone was broken when we called her to ask if she could help with an emergency.
I feel very sorry for your mom (and for you for that matter), but I think your family is at that difficult point where you are enabling your mom to continue a dysfunctional lifestyle. As hard as things are, it simply isn't right for your mother to leave for five hours when she said it would be one hour, or to expect the other behaviors that are simply postponing the inevitable.
Your dad needs to be in a memory care facility. Can you and your siblings sit down with your mom and have a very firm talk? By that I mean, "Mom, we're not going to help you remain this dysfunctional. We're not going to help you continue to try to keep Dad at home. We will help you find a great memory care center for Dad, with the understanding that he will be moved into one within 30 days. We can't and won't help this continue. It is not best for Dad, and it is not best for you, and finally - it is not best for our families."
I am so sorry that your family is going through this. Believe me, I feel your pain.
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