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My father-in-law (widower for 15 years) is visiting for a month. He is eighty years old. My husband works full time and I'm retired. Father-in-law has all his faculties and only needs help with steps.
I don't have any experience caring for the elderly and I'm trying to understand some of his habits. Is his behavior "normal" for an elderly person?
He hasn't bathed/showered in seven days. He has a tub/shower combination at home so I know he can get in and out of one. I provided a clean washcloth, hand towel, bath towel and bar of soap when he arrived and it hasn't been used. Still folded up on vanity.
His answer to any question he is asked is NO! Do you want to go here? NO! How about "insert restaurant name" for dinner? NO! Do you like such and such? NO!
Does he feel like he's a burden to us when he visits?
He doesn't eat much at all. His breakfast consists of coffee and store bought cookies. He eats crackers with canned cheese spread for lunch. When I prepare meals I have to keep in mind that he doesn't have any teeth. Soup, soft meats, mashed potatoes, pasta, enchiladas, you get the picture. It's almost easier to go out to eat than to make him something at home.
He fills his days with watching TV and playing games on an iPad. I have suggested going to our local senior center, BINGO or a library visit which always ends in a resounding NO!
I am retired and spend my days doing various hobbies and/or volunteering. I feel like I can't do anything when he is visiting BUT I can't sit in front of a TV all day with him.
Thanks for reading my post. Looking forward to your responses.
No that is not normal to not bathe for 7 days. Since he is your FIL and not your father, let your husband talk to him. He could say something like "dad is there any issues with the shower/bathtub".
The only thing I can think of is do you have handrails in the shower? I'm guessing no. He probably has those at home. Maybe he is afraid of slipping?
You do not have to keep him occupied. Mom and Dad were always comfortable with their routines and that included not missing any of their favorite TV shows. Did not matter if we were at their house or they were at ours. Just check in every so often and include him in any outings and meals. It is a long time for anyone to be away from home.
Just like living with a toddler who has learned the word "no", ask questions that have two or three answers. Like "would you rather go to XX, or YY or dinner. Or "would you like XX or YY or a different flavor for soup?" Saying No is an easy answer when someone is confused or doesnt want to answer and is an easy habit to get into. I find myself saying it alot and husband has to point it out to me.
Remember his sense of smell is probably less pronounced and he may not understand if he smells.
My mom was like that about bathing. We would have to wrestle her into the shower when it got too bad. I don't know why she didn't want to shower. She would say she felt great afterwards. And yes, she did smell, but she could not smell herself.
She is in a nursing home now and we used to have to go there and talk her into letting them bathe her. Its been a while since she refused. She has refused to get her hair done, when she really needed it. But once we talk her into it, again, she loves it.
The assistants at the home are really good about coaxing her into bathing.
What does your husband say about this behavior? Is this different than the last time that he visited? A LOT different or just slightly declined.
The reason that I am asking is that my 80 something year old uncle once visited his brothers Florida and they were absolutely shocked at how much he had declined since his previous visit a year earlier. When they called his adult children to ask about it they said that "Yes, he had declined a little but nothing major". So, my uncles just tried to work it out. However, when it came time for him to fly home the airlines refused to allow him to fly without a chaperone. I remember that my cousin was really annoyed about having to fly 1,000 miles to "pick up" her dad until she actually saw him. Apparently, sometime between when he got on the airplane to go to Florida and when he got picked up at the airport in Florida he suffered a stroke and no one realized it. His brothers felt awful that they had not taken him to the doctor but his adult kids just said that everything "was normal" (until they saw the actual behavior in person).
OP, you may know what your FIL usually is like during the day but your husband or other relatives should know it that is typical behavior or not.
Good luck.
Can you husband take vacation time for at least part of the time that his father is visiting?
Aversion to taking baths or showers is common with dementia/alzheimer's. It doesn't mean that he has declined to that point. If you think he has, there are online resources. You could also go to the drugstore and pick up scented disposable adult washcloths for his use.
You might want to look around his room and the house to see if things need to be moved so he doesn't have an accidental fall.
At night, you might need to place a chair at the top of the stairs so he doesn't wander and fall down the steps.
You have to try out different foods, especially those similar to things he likes, and see what works. You may have to cut up the meat. The elderly have an affinity for sweets. Since your dad likes pasta, he might like other foods that use pasta sauce, such as meatloaf or stuffed peppers. Since he likes cheese, he might go for corn, broccoli, or sweet peas with butter sauce.
Why on earth are you hosting your f-i-l for a month? Are there no hotels nearby?
Perhaps it is not the same answer that the OP will give, but I know why my husband and I stay with our adult children when we visit, if we can, MONEY! (or lack of it).
When our son, DIL & baby lived in a tiny, tiny one bedroom apartment in San Francisco my husband and I stayed in an AirBnB (someone else's private home and it still cost over $1,000 for just one week in rent ) A hotel, at least a 30 minute drive probably would have cost $2,000 or more. When you add up airplane tickets that is pretty darn expensive for an older person on a limited income.
If we had flown to his area, stayed in an hotel, rented a car, eaten at least some meals at restaurants for a monthwe probably would have spent $12,000 or more just to visit our son, DIL & grandchild. Maybe you can afford that but we certainly could not (especially since all of our usually expenses back home -mortgage, utilities, condo fees, etc would still need to be paid).
When I visited a second time by myself, I slept on their livingroom floor in a sleeping bag (with my feet under the dining room table) as there was no way that I possibly could have afforded another $1,000 bill for rent for one week.
Last edited by germaine2626; 11-19-2015 at 08:51 PM..
Don't go out of your way to entertain him. He doesn't need or want your company, in fact, you are probably annoying him. He is happy with the TV and iPad... it's his routine. Don't make much food for him, he can't eat that much and probably can't smell it that well anyway. It may be easier for you to go out to eat, but it's much harder for him.. and not as enjoyable. Continue your own routine of hobbies and volunteering, he will be happy to see you and your husband in the evening. And don't worry about the bathing... he is not expending much energy and doesn't feel the need to wash off sweat. Be happy that he can mostly get around on his own, that he can use the toilet and shave himself. That's all he needs right now.
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