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Well, it's been like pulling hens' teeth (whatever that means) but we finally have a diagnosis for my mother, and it makes PERFECT sense.
We have known that whatever is going on seems to be progressive - but not Alzheimer's. We've known that my mother has been mentally ill with what I'd probably categorize as mid-level bipolar disorder for decades, and she had a major stroke which affected her vision, some aspects of her personality, and her balance ten years ago. The mystery was WHY was she SUDDENLY (over the past two years) developing an eating disorder and some sort of progressive dementia - and yet is so cognizant in other areas and actually still very sharp in short term memory, verbal skills (still able to cut right to the bone, for instance - LOL), and similar tasks?
Well, the MRI and brain scan told it all - my mother is having TIAs.
Her brain images looked like she'd been shot with buckshot or like her brain is Swiss cheese. It's pathetic. When the doctor asked her gently, "Do you know what I mean?" she gave him a completely blank look, so he directed the rest of the conversation mostly to my dad.
After that appointment (which unfortunately I couldn't attend), my mom's only response was a cheerful, "He told me that everything looks great and keep doing exactly what I'm doing now!"
So sad. But it explains a LOT. Mainly why it seems sort of progressive but sort of not, if that makes sense. It just depends on where she has these small bleeds. Her logic and reasoning section of her brain is SEVERELY affected.
So it makes no sense whatsoever to try to reason with her. In a way, that's a huge relief. I told my dad, "Let's just love her and let her do the little things that make her happy."
The only time we are going to oppose her is if she gets VERY rude - which actually is pretty often. Unfortunately one of the things that seems to have happened is that she is unable to "hold it together" when it comes to her suspicions, hostility, paranoia that stems from the mental illness. However, her docs have put her on a medication for bipolar disorder even though she absolutely denies that she's ever had this disorder (it's been diagnosed for about 30 years). She thinks it's for her appetite and in fact, that is part of what it's for - and wow, is it ever working in that regard! She has gained six pounds in two weeks!
She really snaps if we try to "correct" her about, for instance, dressing (things buttoned up wrong, two different shoes, etc). Well, if she's going out in public, we feel we need to address these things, because there's no point in her going out looking like a lunatic. So when she's rude (and she invariably is) about those things, we're going to correct her. Otherwise, if she wants to walk around the house in crazy looking clothes, I guess that's OK.
It's stressful to my dad, but I just told him "You fighting everything is ADDING to your stress. You have to just let it go. You have to accept that she's not going to get any better over the long haul and that she's going to continue to do these things. She can't help it. She's not doing these things to bug you." (There are many, many strange things she's been doing but very few of them are dangerous to herself or others, and those are being addressed.)
So anyway, there you have it. I feel so sad for my dad. He feels like he's lost his wife. I just feel relieved at this point to have a diagnosis and to know what to do moving forward. It's sad but I can accept it.
I think you and your dad will have to seesaw back and forth into acceptance of her diagnosis. I know just having an answer helps. You've been waiting for something definitive for a lot time now. At least now you know and can use the information to be supportive of each other.
Well, the MRI and brain scan told it all - my mother is having TIAs.
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She really snaps if we try to "correct" her about, for instance, dressing (things buttoned up wrong, two different shoes, etc). Well, if she's going out in public, we feel we need to address these things, because there's no point in her going out looking like a lunatic. So when she's rude (and she invariably is) about those things, we're going to correct her. Otherwise, if she wants to walk around the house in crazy looking clothes, I guess that's OK.
I am so glad that you finally have a diagnosis instead of just wondering and worrying about what must be causing those problems.
Regarding "correcting" serious dressing errors perhaps "accentuating the positive" and focusing on her vanity would work. Your dad could get out a completely different pair of shoes and say "Honey, I have always loved these blue shoes with that outfit" and just hand her the new shoes (instead of getting her to change just one shoe to match the other). Or, if her shirt is buttoned wrong he could hand her a scarf to cover it up "Darling, this scarf really brings out the color of your eyes. You look so beautiful in it" and hands it to her to put on.
Or you could try the "it's my fault" tactic. For a misbuttoned blouse hubby could say "Oops, I might have damaged that button when I washed the clothes. Let me take a closer look" and while she is distracted he can unbutton it and rebutton it correctly.
Or, "Darn it, it looks like I spilled something on your shoe. Please give it me so I can take a look." And, then he hands her the correct shoe.
Regarding "correcting" serious dressing errors perhaps "accentuating the positive" and focusing on her vanity would work. Your dad could get out a completely different pair of shoes and say "Honey, I have always loved these blue shoes with that outfit" and just hand her the new shoes (instead of getting her to change just one shoe to match the other). Or, if her shirt is buttoned wrong he could hand her a scarf to cover it up "Darling, this scarf really brings out the color of your eyes. You look so beautiful in it" and hands it to her to put on.
It's small comfort, but knowing what is going on physically with your mother, and knowing how that contributes to her behavior is at least an explanation, perhaps puts the situation in a different perspective for your family, in that you know beyond a doubt that she can't help her behavior and there isn't anything to do to change it. So you deal with it as you can, superbly and with class as you have always done.
One thought keeps running through my mind when I read your posts, and that is your sharing with us that your mother had an absolutely horrendous childhood. But your love, caring and concern for your mother, so obvious in your posts make it a fact that because of you, your father and other family members, your mother has known ongoing and unconditional love and support in her adult years. Don't ever doubt your roles in making her life worthwhile, even if it was not the easiest thing in the world to deal with her over the years.
I say this from the perspective of a miserable childhood myself, where what love, respect or even worth as a human being there was, was dependent on meeting preconceived expectations for the most part impossible to fulfill, or even anticipate. But the unconditional love, support, and understanding from my beloved spouse over the years has made my adult life happier and more fulfilled than I could ever have imagined, or ( as I put it sometimes), more than anyone has a right to expect.
My good thoughts and prayers for you and your family are ongoing.
I've read of people with dementia being allowed to dress oddly in public. If the family treats the loved one with concern, others will follow suit because they will know that she has problems. So, I wouldn't redress mom unless she threatened to go out without a necessary article of clothing. I know it is distressing to have your mom out and about in misbuttoned blouses or mismatching things when she has been so prideful of how she presents herself in the past. But honestly, since it provokes her, I'd try to let it go if I could.
I am glad you finally know what has been going on. The doc was smart enough to try to explain to your mom, but quickly understood that she couldn't comprehend, so he explained to family. Smart doc.
Your mom will have to be managed, but this can be done. I do feel sorry for your dad, who will end up doing most of the managing. I wonder if there is a support group for him?
I hope the next few weeks will be peaceful for you and your family. It really is too bad about your mom's health, but now at least you know more than you did.
I'm sure it is a relief to finally have answers. I have heard of TIAs but always assumed the cycle could be broken. I guess this is a chronic condition?
I think what you said about just loving her and keeping her happy is lovely.
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