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Not sure how t express this, but it seems like I can never do enough for my parents who are both in Assisted Living. My Mom always calls me and not my sister. How do you deal with the background level of sadness that is constant with parents who are aging and unhappy in their living situation. It's a series of losses for them and there's a sense of just waiting for them to die.
How morose, sorry, I just don't cope well with the anxiety I feel now and for the future. Maybe it's exacerbated by my thinking of retirement in a few years and where I will call home. I'm single, no kids, good friends. I want the be near Mountains which would mean moving away. Mid-life crisis mixed in here.
Thanks for letting me vent, any ideas on how to live with less anxiety in this time of change?
1. Goals for now and the future for yourself. Find something to work on and work towards.
2. Boundaries for your parents. They are in a protected environment with assistance available. If they are asking for too much like constant outings and such, you have to decide what is the level of help that fits in with your life. It might be that there are times you have to say, "I am sorry but I am not available right now. Call Susie.". Repeat as necessary not making any other excuses that they can nitpick over. We decided that we would take my motherinlaw out once a week Sunday morning for breakfast and grocery shopping. The other times are as we find additional time and when she needs something. Otherwise she uses the facilities bus to travel around to stores. (she is fully mobile.)
Cannot say much because I don't know what they are asking you for or how often or.......
Life changes as we get older and we ALL are waiting to die. Many go from a big house and family to a smaller independent place to assisted living to maybe a skilled nursing facility or memory care facility. Each time there are losses but they are because more is needed from others and less can be done by the person themselves. I don't think you can make your parents happy with these changes. That has to come from within them. Just remain positive.
1. Goals for now and the future for yourself. Find something to work on and work towards.
2. Boundaries for your parents. They are in a protected environment with assistance available. If they are asking for too much like constant outings and such, you have to decide what is the level of help that fits in with your life. It might be that there are times you have to say, "I am sorry but I am not available right now. Call Susie.". Repeat as necessary not making any other excuses that they can nitpick over. We decided that we would take my motherinlaw out once a week Sunday morning for breakfast and grocery shopping. The other times are as we find additional time and when she needs something. Otherwise she uses the facilities bus to travel around to stores. (she is fully mobile.)
Cannot say much because I don't know what they are asking you for or how often or.......
Life changes as we get older and we ALL are waiting to die. Many go from a big house and family to a smaller independent place to assisted living to maybe a skilled nursing facility or memory care facility. Each time there are losses but they are because more is needed from others and less can be done by the person themselves. I don't think you can make your parents happy with these changes. That has to come from within them. Just remain positive.
I agree with sweetana. Set appropriate boundaries.
Also, not all elderly are unhappy. It has been my experience that if you are unhappy as adults you will be even more unhappy when you because elderly. People who have been positive and happy as adults continue to be positive and happy as they become elderly.
A good example, was my "upbeat", very, very positive mother. Even in her last years of life, being bedridden and in constant pain from her disabilities she was always positive. Her life line to the world was her telephone and she would call up several other senior citizens each day to check on them and to cheer them up.
Are there ways to help your parents become less sad? Can you assist them in getting supplies for favorite hobbies? Can you help them reconnect with old friends or other relatives? My sister's FIL learned how to use the internet at age 90. He was delighted to text & Skype with his grandchildren & great-grandchildren and old friends who lived far away. In fact, he Skyped more often & with many, many more people at age 95 than most people 30 or 40 years younger.
If the sadness or anxiety gets too pervasive, either for you or for your parents, perhaps you may need to consider yoga, relaxation techniques or even medication.
Last edited by germaine2626; 07-15-2016 at 07:23 PM..
Thanks for your thoughtful responses. Setting, and sticking to Boundries is essential. My parents haven't been happy together for many years. Maybe a 'standing appointment' with my Mom would work. She is getting more anxious, needy and negative, which makes it challenging to talk with her on the phone (she calls almost daily) and take her places. I asked her to call my sister for this weekends errands.
They will not avail themselves of any of the many services offered at their nice Assisted Living Complex. They don't even eat their food most of the time. Dad still drives (hair-raising) and is gone for much of the day getting coffee, going to the library, getting groceries.
Thanks again, I guess we all go through this challenging phase of life.
Has your mother always called you daily? That seems a lot. I would tell her that you have a busier work schedule & you will call her Sunday afternoons or come by for a visit.
During the week do not be a prisoner of your phone or your mother's moods...block her number....the facility will definitely call you if there is an emergency.
Suggest she get involved in activities around the facility. As long as you are available, she will ring you up instead of partaking in an activity & making friends with others. You do not need be the designated errand runner either. Do not be.
Now, you take care of you. Get a new hobby or take a class in something you will enjoy or want to try out. Get a digital camera and learn photography. Find thimgs you like to do and do them. Friends often come as a result of common interests. Get out and about. Volunteer somewhere, take short trips, get involved in community gardens. There are travel groups you can join so you do not have to travel alone.
Start enjoying life each day by taking a walk and getting some fresh air & exercise. You sound a bit blue and exercise & healthy eating will help alleviate mild anxiety.
Wise words. Thanks for the practical solutions. I've joined a couple of hiking groups and love getting outside exploring new parks. Yoga helps with anxiety too. I'll need to practice holding to my boundries. Thanks again for your input.
Not sure how t express this, but it seems like I can never do enough for my parents who are both in Assisted Living. My Mom always calls me and not my sister. How do you deal with the background level of sadness that is constant with parents who are aging and unhappy in their living situation. It's a series of losses for them and there's a sense of just waiting for them to die.
How morose, sorry, I just don't cope well with the anxiety I feel now and for the future. Maybe it's exacerbated by my thinking of retirement in a few years and where I will call home. I'm single, no kids, good friends. I want the be near Mountains which would mean moving away. Mid-life crisis mixed in here.
Thanks for letting me vent, any ideas on how to live with less anxiety in this time of change?
I know exactly how you feel as I went through something similar when my mother went into assisted living. She had been living with a sibling and doing quite well (90s) but becoming increasingly fragile (broken hip, CHF, bout with pneumonia, etc.). I live over 900 miles away and her doc felt a move to my home would be too overwhelming, particularly with a change of all her specialists.
When my sibling developed somed medical issues, we looked high and low for the very best living conditions for my mom and found what we thought would work - lovely assisted living apartment with family setting meals right outside her door so no long halls to walk down were involved. My sibling lived about 10 minutes away and visited often.
Long story short, she was sad and depressed. We had talked twice a week previously and she started to call several times a day. Sometimes she sounded very confused and almost always upset. It was a terrible time for all of us. I traveled to her location for long stays 6 times in 5 months. Cried myself to sleep many nights over her sadness and pain. She died within 3 months and I can only pray she he is happier joined with my dad. I still deal with guilt although we did the best we could. It took me over a year to recover from the anxiety and constant tension I felt.
I would take the advice here of encouraging your parents to join in activities and hopefully they will make make friends. I think that goes a long way towards making them more comfortable in their surroundings. Can you set up a regular schedule for calls and visits? Perhaps a calendar marked with those times would give your mom some structure and security. Speak with her doc for evaluation if you feel she needs help with anxiety or depression, although that type of medication is very tricky in elders. At least the doc should be aware of her situation which they don't usually pick up on in a short appointment.
Take care of yourself. Getting outdoors with activities and exercise really helps lighten your mood. If you are planning to move away from your friends in the future, perhaps you could rent through VRBO for a couple of months at least to see if you would adjust. Leaving friends and your support system can be difficult or an adventure, depending on the outcome.
Wishing the best for you and your family in the future.
Thanks Shamrock. My sister and I were talking about setting up a schedule as you suggested. That way we could make plans, and Mom would have a weekly outing to look forward to. It's a sad time of life for them, but I know we're doing our best, and they are in the best place around for them. Thanks again.
Not sure how t express this, but it seems like I can never do enough for my parents who are both in Assisted Living. My Mom always calls me and not my sister.
My SIL -- who moved my MIL to a house next to hers -- simply stopped answering her phone once she saw who was calling. She would call back later, but usually 30 minutes or an hour later. I guess that's setting boundaries.
Not sure how t express this, but it seems like I can never do enough for my parents who are both in Assisted Living. My Mom always calls me and not my sister. How do you deal with the background level of sadness that is constant with parents who are aging and unhappy in their living situation. It's a series of losses for them and there's a sense of just waiting for them to die.
How morose, sorry, I just don't cope well with the anxiety I feel now and for the future. Maybe it's exacerbated by my thinking of retirement in a few years and where I will call home. I'm single, no kids, good friends. I want the be near Mountains which would mean moving away. Mid-life crisis mixed in here.
Thanks for letting me vent, any ideas on how to live with less anxiety in this time of change?
I think I could have written your post. Had to put my folks in a group home 3.5 years ago, dad passed away 2.5 years ago and then moved Mom to an ALF.
I find that dealing with a parent in an ALF is exhausting. I walk into the building and have to paint a smile on my face. She's in a lovely place, but just the stress of her illnesses really beats me down.
I go walking daily, sometimes twice a day. I also go to a therapist.
Dealing with a parent in an ALF can be very isolating. My friends have drifted away.
I've been looking at joining Meet-up groups, but the ones I'm interested in always have waiting lists.
Try to not let the guilt get to you. Hope you can find your peace.
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