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In the middle of the night the other night I had a realization. All this talk of elderly people living "in their own homes independently" is really a misnomer.
My MIL has been staying with us for a few months for medical treatment in our city. If all continues to go well with treatment she will be returning to her home in another state this summer.
She always talks about she is so happy that she can live "in her own home independently." However, I've come to realize this is really BS because she is NOT "independent." The ONLY way it is possible for her to live "independently at home" is because her other son lives close by and she depends on him quite a lot.
If my BIL didn't live near her she would not be able to return to her actual home.
I think elderly people aren't aware of how dependent they really are. I think this idea of being independent in a home they still own and are responsible for is a fantasy because it doesn't really work that way.
It's like a kid who makes great grades but only because their parent does part of the work for them.
My BIL is single (divorced). Which in a way makes it even harder for him because he has NO "other responsibility" to keep him from helping, especially now that his child is grown.
And also, he is a somewhat difficult personality and he and my MIL have a lot of conflicts. Then again, she can't complain since she DOES have plenty of money to move to assisted living but is too stubborn to. So, she will have to "endure" his difficult personality to stay where she is. Her choice.
In the middle of the night the other night I had a realization. All this talk of elderly people living "in their own homes independently" is really a misnomer.
My MIL has been staying with us for a few months for medical treatment in our city. If all continues to go well with treatment she will be returning to her home in another state this summer.
She always talks about she is so happy that she can live "in her own home independently." However, I've come to realize this is really BS because she is NOT "independent." The ONLY way it is possible for her to live "independently at home" is because her other son lives close by and she depends on him quite a lot.
If my BIL didn't live near her she would not be able to return to her actual home.
I think elderly people aren't aware of how dependent they really are. I think this idea of being independent in a home they still own and are responsible for is a fantasy because it doesn't really work that way.
It's like a kid who makes great grades but only because their parent does part of the work for them.
In the cases that I have seen, it appears that because the additional help comes slowly and gradually the elderly person starts to adjust to the "new normal" and forgets that they are not doing everything for themselves. I will use my aunt as an example, first a nephew took over her car maintenance and "heavy work" around her house & yard such as trimming trees. But, it was a couple of years before he started to do her weekly lawn mowing and snow shoveling after every snow storm. A niece started out going with her to "major" doctor's appointments and helped when she was hospitalized but in the end was going with her to all doctor's appointments. My aunt used to prepare all her own meals but over the last five years in her house, various nieces and nephews would drop off prepared food or take her out for a meal much more often and then signed her up for Meals on Wheels. Ditto with personal care. In the end, a niece would wash and set her hair every Saturday and do some "heavy cleaning" each week when she was there. Fellow church members would drive her to and from church every Sunday. Etc. Etc.
The big change was when my aunt was not safe to drive anymore, in her mid/late 80s. It was quite hard on her as she worked full time until her late 60s and then 20 hours a week until just before her 80th birthday and was used to driving to and from work each day and running all of her own errands.
I remember when we were trying to convince my aunt to move into Senior Housing or Assisted Living, in her late 80s. She was insistent that she was doing perfectly fine, in her own home, living independently. She really did not realize how many things that people were doing for her that just a few years earlier she was handling completely on her own. Luckily, her doctor was equally insistent that she move to a place with more supervision and help.
Last edited by germaine2626; 03-10-2017 at 07:19 AM..
I have thought of this often looking to my own future. In a conversation with my grown son he said "I know you like to be self sufficient and independent so just tell me what you want me to do." When I was a little ill.
The key words got me thinking there is a difference between being self sufficient and independent. I have reached the point where I am no longer completely self sufficient but remain independent. While I have to hire out more and more for the things no longer wise for me to do, I can pay my way, live on my own, etc so in my definition retain independence in my own home.
So I suppose a lot of people you mention may see themselves as independent but do not realize how they are lacking in self sufficiency hence children are filling in the sufficiency needs which may be missed
I have thought of this often looking to my own future. In a conversation with my grown son he said "I know you like to be self sufficient and independent so just tell me what you want me to do." When I was a little ill.
The key words got me thinking there is a difference between being self sufficient and independent. I have reached the point where I am no longer completely self sufficient but remain independent. While I have to hire out more and more for the things no longer wise for me to do, I can pay my way, live on my own, etc so in my definition retain independence in my own home.
So I suppose a lot of people you mention may see themselves as independent but do not realize how they are lacking in self sufficiency hence children are filling in the sufficiency needs which may be missed
Just a thought.
I suspect most people are unaware of the actual financial resources one needs to hire out. Slowly, family members and friends step up to fill the gap. Self delusion creeps in. A person who has become dependent but still at home, once enabled by such family and friends, cons themselves into believing they are still independent. Here's a test. What if one had to hire out for everything they were no longer capable of? Would it work? If the answer is not a confident "yes," then the person is no longer independent.
My BIL is single (divorced). Which in a way makes it even harder for him because he has NO "other responsibility" to keep him from helping, especially now that his child is grown.
And also, he is a somewhat difficult personality and he and my MIL have a lot of conflicts. Then again, she can't complain since she DOES have plenty of money to move to assisted living but is too stubborn to. So, she will have to "endure" his difficult personality to stay where she is. Her choice.
She's 'too stubborn to' or she wants to remain in her own home? If she has enough money she can remain in her own home forever. My in-laws did that. They had 24/7 help in their home but they stayed there and died at home. They were introverts who would have been miserable if they had to move into assisted living.
If your MIL becomes too much for your BIL she can hire the help she needs.
I would hate to be forced into giving up my home when I can afford to stay here forever.
In the middle of the night the other night I had a realization. All this talk of elderly people living "in their own homes independently" is really a misnomer.....
I think elderly people aren't aware of how dependent they really are. I think this idea of being independent in a home they still own and are responsible for is a fantasy because it doesn't really work that way.
It's like a kid who makes great grades but only because their parent does part of the work for them.
I think this is probably somewhat of a spin-off of the days well within my memory when most elderly people lived in their own homes with some offspring and family moving in and essentially taking over the house (and inheriting it) in return for taking care of mom.
The worse alternative was when Mom came and lived in your house, and you got the extra work and inconvenience but no pay-off.
There was not even partial independence for either party in these set-ups.
But in those days being "put somewhere" was an alternative oftentimes with few options. Where I lived it would have meant going into the "county home." A real no-frills place in the hills. And that had the reputation for being a refuge for the indigent and those abandoned by their children.
Keeping Mom in her own home and running over to help may be "independently" if the alternative is having her live with you earlier, or perhaps footing some of her bills in a residence.
I am an elderly person living in what the OP has characterized as the "fantasy" of independently. I pay the fourteen year old fatherless son of an acquaintance to clean windows, move furniture, do lifting, etc. when I need it. He goes to school around the corner and is happy to be paid. The fact that I pay him certainly makes me no more independent than using the free labor of a son-in-law.
We live in an era of euphemism as the only socially acceptable truth. As a real-life situation this phony "independently "probably beats actually being "stuck living with Mom" as in the old days. But is anybody really fooling anybody with this "independently" term? I wonder. I am living "independently" as long as I have money to pay this adolescent or someone(s) else. But for me that word simply means without being in someplace living together with a bunch of other old people not of my choosing and under the regimen of some care business. It means my home, my rules...even if I have to pay to keep it that way.
If I had a son-in-law I might well be leaning on him to preserve my version of "independently." But I think I'd rather pay than fancy-dance around the strain that my needs might put on family dynamics. Perhaps the OP's MIL does believe this euphemistic fiction of "independently" that the OP points to, or she may simply be nobody's fool and is just keeping her mouth shut and allowing son-in-law to maintain her version of "independently" for her.
Last edited by kevxu; 03-10-2017 at 01:15 PM..
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