anyone providing caregiving to an abusive parent? (child, adult, father)
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ok this may be slightly misleading as i'm not directly providing caregiving but my sister and i are now responsible for my parents financially and we had to move them into an ALF a couple of months ago (really nice one) and we are in charge of their house that we rent out to pay for part of the ALF.
but it's the first time in our lives we have needed to take care of our parents in any way. they have always been extremely independent (early and mid 80s) until recently they both got diagnosed with early dementia and were having a difficult time doing daily things.
SO, our family has always been dysfunctional. my sister stopped speaking with them for 10+ years until they somehow reconciled about 10 years ago. she is close to my mom. i have never been close to either of them. i moved out at 17 and see them once or twice a year. i am just uncomfortable around both of them. my dad has mental health, anger and alcohol issues. he was abusive and made our lives hell.
i care for them the best i can -- managing their money so that we can provide them with this very nice ALF ($8K/month!). but a few weeks back my dad was in the hospital quite sick. i did not feel really sad or worried that he'd die. if anything i think i'd feel relief b/c right now he's making my mom's life a living hell constantly yelling at her in their small quarters. he's making her dementia and confusion worse. i really do not think i'd be sad if he died or i would miss him b/c i just dread the few times a year i need to talk to them.
i don't know the purpose of my post. anyone ever feel like this but then actually did feel sad once their parents passed?
I have a mentally ill Mom that I "inherited" from my dad when he passed away unexpectedly late last year. I had no idea, until I took over her care, just what all he was doing for her and how much he was minimizing her issues and trying to pretend like things were not as difficult as they really were.
She is increasingly difficult to help and handle, and there is no relief in sight. My brother told me, "I know why you feel so guilty - because you want some relief and the only relief you will get is when she dies."
So yes, I can sort of relate to what you're saying. By the way, when my enabling but very affectionate and kind hearted dad died, I was surprised at just how devastated I actually was.
I think your feelings are totally understandable. Your dad is not making your life better, he's making it harder. But you're doing the right thing, of course.
I did not grow up in a happy family but felt affection for my dad and was/am sad that he died. I will be sad about my mom too, but she has dementia pretty bad now which means I have to be involved with a very difficult sibling. Dealing with that sib is torture to me and I will not miss it.
OP, do the best you can for your parents, but also for yourself. Make decisions so there will be no regrets when it is all over. Don't take the verbal bait if your dad baits you. Be the grown up in the room. Sit quietly and hold your mom's hand sometimes. Good luck.
Sorry, just reread your post, I don't think you are physically with your parents much. But do the best you can from a distance. Maybe let someone at the ALF know circumstances so they can comfort mom on your behalf. Your feelings seems very normal to me.
After moving my mom into an ALF, I found it necessary to finally cut off all contact with her in order to save my sanity and my soul. I always made sure she was very well taken care of, but hadn't seen her for a year and a half before she died. I was somewhat sad when she passed, but for the most part it was a relief to have the torture and abuse over at last. Unfortunately, the guilt trip she laid on me my entire life had still refused to die.
After moving my mom into an ALF, I found it necessary to finally cut off all contact with her in order to save my sanity and my soul. I always made sure she was very well taken care of, but hadn't seen her for a year and a half before she died. I was somewhat sad when she passed, but for the most part it was a relief to have the torture and abuse over at last. Unfortunately, the guilt trip she laid on me my entire life had still refused to die.
You did the smart thing. Not the easy thing, but the smart thing.
You did the smart thing. Not the easy thing, but the smart thing.
Not the easy thing, not even the socially-acceptable thing but absolutely the right thing.
I wish more people would disabuse themselves of the motherhood myth. Maybe they'd wake up and realize some of us had a very hard time growing up. The trauma from being raised by sick, damaged or disordered people often lingers far into adulthood.
Not the easy thing, not even the socially-acceptable thing but absolutely the right thing.
I wish more people would disabuse themselves of the motherhood myth. Maybe they'd wake up and realize some of us had a very hard time growing up. The trauma from being raised by sick, damaged or disordered people often lingers far into adulthood.
I completely agree. My mother ended up in a nursing home several states away from any of her three children. We were estranged from my alcoholic father so none of us know how the end of his life played out and none of us went to his funeral.
I don't understand this whole "do the right thing" business. To me, the "right thing" is to concentrate on myself and my immediate family----trying to live a good life in spite of having a rough childhood.
Not the easy thing, not even the socially-acceptable thing but absolutely the right thing.
I wish more people would disabuse themselves of the motherhood myth. Maybe they'd wake up and realize some of us had a very hard time growing up. The trauma from being raised by sick, damaged or disordered people often lingers far into adulthood.
True. I do want to do the right thing in regard to making sure my mom is in a safe place that's as healthy an environment as possible, but I have to limit my emotional involvement with her. She sucks the very life out of me and always has.
Right now - by right now I mean just the past couple of days - she's being med compliant and not raising cane (wow, Mom, see the connection?). But I've been down this road so many times that I know I can't let down my guard with her - in just a few days she's going to be doing something else awful or mean or dysfunctional. Sorry but I'm so over her drama. She has worn me down over the 55 years I've been on this earth.
I will never abuse her or neglect her legitimate needs, but I'm not going to cater to her off the chain behaviors or tolerate her abuse. Or entertain her.
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