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metalmancpa, you are putting your nose to the grindstone and just doing it. It's got to be done and you drew the card to do it. I commend you on your objectivity. It's a gift - don't let anyone criticize you for it either.
My husband and I made it through the two parent thing - it was rough but we are still standing. I think the biggest challenge is to try not to let it fundamentally change you, fundamentally stress you out internally to the point where you get burned out, bummed out, frustrated, angry, then feeling guilty about those feelings, etc.
It's tough, there's no doubt about it. But you will get through it.
My condolences. I'm really sorry you are having to go through this. It's a tough journey - maybe one of the very toughest.
Thank you very much for your kind words.
This journey will not fundamentally change me, but I will grow even more as a person. In the past couple of years with my Dad's dementia it's been a tough ride. But the only time I fundamentally changed (for the better) was watching my daughter suffer deeply for more than 3 years with depression, including 3 attempts and cutting. I don't consider myself strong, or doing anything special. I loved my daughter, and stepped up on auto pilot. I love my parents, and in a sense owe my life to them, and as before what I am doing is simply autopilot. My wife and I chose to live close to our parents, for just when these days arrive. My wife was at her mother's side when she passed from pancreatic cancer on her 70th birthday (same day as my wife's birthday). Sure I'm sacrificing a chunk of me for this, but I believe I'm just doing what a son should do (and did as a Dad).
This journey will not fundamentally change me, but I will grow even more as a person. In the past couple of years with my Dad's dementia it's been a tough ride. But the only time I fundamentally changed (for the better) was watching my daughter suffer deeply for more than 3 years with depression, including 3 attempts and cutting. I don't consider myself strong, or doing anything special. I loved my daughter, and stepped up on auto pilot. I love my parents, and in a sense owe my life to them, and as before what I am doing is simply autopilot. My wife and I chose to live close to our parents, for just when these days arrive. My wife was at her mother's side when she passed from pancreatic cancer on her 70th birthday (same day as my wife's birthday). Sure I'm sacrificing a chunk of me for this, but I believe I'm just doing what a son should do (and did as a Dad).
Yep, that's a good way to look at the whole thing.
This journey will not fundamentally change me, but I will grow even more as a person. In the past couple of years with my Dad's dementia it's been a tough ride. But the only time I fundamentally changed (for the better) was watching my daughter suffer deeply for more than 3 years with depression, including 3 attempts and cutting. I don't consider myself strong, or doing anything special. I loved my daughter, and stepped up on auto pilot. I love my parents, and in a sense owe my life to them, and as before what I am doing is simply autopilot. My wife and I chose to live close to our parents, for just when these days arrive. My wife was at her mother's side when she passed from pancreatic cancer on her 70th birthday (same day as my wife's birthday). Sure I'm sacrificing a chunk of me for this, but I believe I'm just doing what a son should do (and did as a Dad).
You are so right. I've been re-reading 'The Road Less Traveled' and I think Peck would be highly impressed with you. I am.
Less-evolved people do change for the worse, primarily by trying to avoid or get around or short-cut suffering. He'd say you are very evolved. You and your family are blessed in this, but I am very sorry for all of your pain, and your poor parents. This is a terrible time.
It's evident what lies ahead. Mom has no will to live, thus I can only painfully watch. I've done my best to set things up. I don't envision my Mom lasting that long. And dealing with my Dad and his dementia through this is an added layer of bizarre and strange.
It's evident what lies ahead. Mom has no will to live, thus I can only painfully watch. I've done my best to set things up. I don't envision my Mom lasting that long. And dealing with my Dad and his dementia through this is an added layer of bizarre and strange.
So sorry to hear about your mother's turn for the worse. (I remember your initial posts about your dad - years ago now..!)
I hope that hospice is able to help. I'm sure this is terribly difficult for you. My mom has been gone 5 years now, and I still remember how slightly hysterical I felt when she was in the hospital after things had turned for the worse and I was trying to get her home...
I think running on autopilot is about the only way to proceed sometimes.... Sometimes you don't have the luxury of processing everything emotionally in real time, because stuff still needs to get done.
I want to clarify the island from my O.P. I have support from my kids, wife, and others to talk if needed. It's the actual doing that I am on the island.
Every day seems a bit more painful than the last. When you hear you Mom every time you see her saying she just wants it to be over, wants to die but doesn't know how, etc, pokes another little hole in me. And the frustration I get and patience I must exercise dealing with my Dad's dementia through this is tough.
Went up again to the house to meet the main hospice nurse today. Thankfully she's in charge of my Mom's meds (I do my Dad's), so I feel much of the medical burden in helping my Mom pass as comfortable as possible is off my shoulders, but nothing can take a son's burden of being that primary person in her life she needs mentally in the twilight of her life.
I want to clarify the island from my O.P. I have support from my kids, wife, and others to talk if needed. It's the actual doing that I am on the island.
Every day seems a bit more painful than the last. When you hear you Mom every time you see her saying she just wants it to be over, wants to die but doesn't know how, etc, pokes another little hole in me. And the frustration I get and patience I must exercise dealing with my Dad's dementia through this is tough.
Went up again to the house to meet the main hospice nurse today. Thankfully she's in charge of my Mom's meds (I do my Dad's), so I feel much of the medical burden in helping my Mom pass as comfortable as possible is off my shoulders, but nothing can take a son's burden of being that primary person in her life she needs mentally in the twilight of her life.
Isn't it heartrending? You are very eloquent.
And it may not feel like it but you're really not alone - not here anyway. So many people on this forum know exactly what you're going through and can really empathize with you.
This journey will not fundamentally change me, but I will grow even more as a person. Sure I'm sacrificing a chunk of me for this, but I believe I'm just doing what a son should do (and did as a Dad).
All you can do is put one foot in front of another as you begin this walk.
Take each new day as it comes, one by one. Inhale the good moments (and there WILL be good moments) with your Mom; they will give you oxygen for what lies ahead.
You are stronger than you think, and, as hard as it seems, you can -- and will -- help your Mom through her walk.
Just do what you can, and forgive yourself when you can't do it all. No one can ask more of you than that and, when all is said and done, it will be enough.
And, yes, this will change you in ways that you cannot now predict. But, someday, you may see that as a blessing among the sadness.
Every day seems a bit more painful than the last. When you hear you Mom every time you see her saying she just wants it to be over, wants to die but doesn't know how, etc, pokes another little hole in me. And the frustration I get and patience I must exercise dealing with my Dad's dementia through this is tough.
Went up again to the house to meet the main hospice nurse today. Thankfully she's in charge of my Mom's meds (I do my Dad's), so I feel much of the medical burden in helping my Mom pass as comfortable as possible is off my shoulders, but nothing can take a son's burden of being that primary person in her life she needs mentally in the twilight of her life.
If your hospice program also has a social worker, talk to him/her. I found that really helpful
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