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I have no regrets on what I'm doing. I feel I can always do better in anything that I do, but I think we all feel that way. My only thought about her asking for saving saving would at least give me some sort of understanding as to the pain she's going through.
I've known my Mom for 57 years. Always been a fighter. Simply just sad to see that fight disappear before she dies, and to lose all joy of what she's had for 84 years.
If your Mom doesn't want to fight this, try to accept that. The social worker might be able to help you do that. Support her in the way she wants you to, even if it's hard for you.
This may sound inappropriate, but before my parents died, I had held several of my dogs as they died, either naturally or through euthanasia, and I could always sense when they were ready to go, and knew that I needed to let them go. That helped a little when my parents were dying.
I was lucky to have my Mom for 70 years, but it is still hard not to have her. But life and death just work that way.
If your Mom doesn't want to fight this, try to accept that. The social worker might be able to help you do that. Support her in the way she wants you to, even if it's hard for you.
This may sound inappropriate, but before my parents died, I had held several of my dogs as they died, either naturally or through euthanasia, and I could always sense when they were ready to go, and knew that I needed to let them go. That helped a little when my parents were dying.
I was lucky to have my Mom for 70 years, but it is still hard not to have her. But life and death just work that way.
Again, I have accepted my Mom's fate. I'm not holding onto anything here. I am just supporting her in any way I can. And for her that means no pain. So I got in touch with hospice nurse and she will stop by today and at a minimum give my Mom oxy twice a day instead of the original "as needed" since my Mom isn't calling out for it even though I know she suffers with pain. There really isn't much help for my Mom's mental pain other than having her sleep it off which is why she is taking 1/2 valium and morning/evening for anxiety which she expressed, and which does help her sleep.
I'm terribly sorry you're going through this and that you don't have any help. I know you said that you have family support, but it's exhausting to make all the decisions and watch it all happen essentially by yourself.
I guess because of the opioid epidemic, Hospice can be stingy with the narcotics. Keep leaning on them to give your mom as much pain relief as she needs. And if she sleeps most of the time, at least she's not depressed, scared, or suffering.
I have no regrets on what I'm doing. I feel I can always do better in anything that I do, but I think we all feel that way. My only thought about her asking for saving saving would at least give me some sort of understanding as to the pain she's going through.
I've known my Mom for 57 years. Always been a fighter. Simply just sad to see that fight disappear before she dies, and to lose all joy of what she's had for 84 years.
What would she be fighting for? Why would she be expending energy fighting? It sounds to me like she's ready to go and just wants to go on. Death is a natural part of the life process and she sounds like she's ready to move on to the next phase. Which is actually incredibly brave when you think about it.
It's hard for us because we're left behind without them, but I think many people who are dying reach a point where they're ready for the next adventure to begin - or ready for a rest - or ready to just close this chapter. Anyway, my point is that I do think dying people become self centered in the most healthy meaning of the term. It's not about anyone but them at this point. Think about it - this is the biggest transition they will ever make and they don't know what's on the other side. I think they often begin to focus inward or on processing emotions or beliefs that they don't feel obligated necessarily to share with us.
Just my opinion. But it's still so hard to watch from our position in life.
What would she be fighting for? Why would she be expending energy fighting? It sounds to me like she's ready to go and just wants to go on. Death is a natural part of the life process and she sounds like she's ready to move on to the next phase. Which is actually incredibly brave when you think about it.
It's hard for us because we're left behind without them, but I think many people who are dying reach a point where they're ready for the next adventure to begin - or ready for a rest - or ready to just close this chapter. Anyway, my point is that I do think dying people become self centered in the most healthy meaning of the term. It's not about anyone but them at this point. Think about it - this is the biggest transition they will ever make and they don't know what's on the other side. I think they often begin to focus inward or on processing emotions or beliefs that they don't feel obligated necessarily to share with us.
Just my opinion. But it's still so hard to watch from our position in life.
I know she wants to go. She's expressed that for weeks. Because her mind is ahead of her body with regards to her passing, she is withdrawing from the world because she just wants isolation. It's her way, what she wants. I just want her pain managed, that's ALL I am trying to do. Everything else will take it's course, and I already accept my Mom's journey.
I know she wants to go. She's expressed that for weeks. Because her mind is ahead of her body with regards to her passing, she is withdrawing from the world because she just wants isolation. It's her way, what she wants. I just want her pain managed, that's ALL I am trying to do. Everything else will take it's course, and I already accept my Mom's journey.
I gotcha - I didn't mean to sound critical of you and hope I didn't. You've just mentioned several times that you were disappointed because you thought your mom had more fight in her or was more of a fighter. I just wanted to give my perspective that facing certain death with quiet dignity is really brave. Sometimes it's pointless to fight.
This is such a difficult part of it all for you and your mom and the family. I hate to hear of anyone going through it. My grandmother fought her diagnosis of terminal cancer for quite a while - she felt it was her duty to fight it - that's exactly how she put it. She did not accept the diagnosis at all and was furious at her doctor and other family members for not lining up surgery and chemo. (She did get radiation to shrink some of the tumors but it was for pain management, not as a cure). I swear she thought we'd killed her, because she was sitting there, with cancer all over her body, demanding surgery and chemo and the doctor said "No, I'm not going to put you through that when you have cancer in your breasts, your lungs, your bones, and your brain." Her "fighting" was very difficult on all her loved ones because she felt betrayed and angry and did not accept the diagnosis for a long time - I'm talking about 2 years of anger (they gave her 6 months, she lived nearly 3 years - fighting and angry the whole time). She FINALLY accepted the inevitable and it was a great relief. She was a very loving, strong person and she was also a very stoic person. We had to sneak around behind her back and get her morphine increased because she was convinced that she was "going to get hooked on it" and she didn't want to take it. See - it didn't matter if she "got hooked on it" because she was dying, but she even fought that.
She was a red headed Scots Irish woman who had worked all her life, starting with picking cotton at age 3 and she did fight for her life but it was futile and hurtful to her and to her loved ones. It was a relief when she finally gave in and began accepting that she was dying.
She never did open up to anyone about her thoughts, but the last couple of weeks of her life, she would occasionally talk and when she did, she talked about her mother and father and brothers - she swore she could see them standing in the room and was amazed that we couldn't see them. So we sat there and talked about memories with her and my dad, who could remember her parents, talked a lot about her mother. He brought a photo of her mom when she was younger and put it on the bedside table where my grandmother could see it and her face just lit up. She kept holding on till my youngest daughter came home from college and she could talk with her. Then that evening, my dad told her "Your mom has a pot roast in the oven and the feather beds are aired and turned down and she's just waiting for you to get there!" and my grandmother grinned and visibly relaxed, and passed away a few hours later.
I'm sharing that with you, not to talk about me, but to share that while my grandmother thought it was her duty to "fight, fight against the dying of the light," it was a relief to see her finally accept the reality, and to get her pain under control and watch her get excited about seeing her dear mother. It was so sad and heartbreaking though to watch this vibrant, strong woman become small and quiet and to finally leave us.
My mother also saw deceased relatives in the room before she passed. She was tell us my dad or her sister were standing there and why couldn't we see them...
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