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I managed the care of my father, of my own volition, but there might have been an expectation. My brother was never expected to do anything, nor did he ever do anything - just wasn't even a question.
I managed the care of my mother, of my own volition - a moral obligation.
I have provided caregiving to a relative with alcohol issues between rehab visits. I did it of my own volition a couple of times, and then was EXPECTED to do it (the person showed up on my doorstep).
I am a kind-hearted person AND I also think I am a sucker because I feel a huge moral obligation to provide assistance when needed to family members.
I seriously doubt that ANY of these family members would return the favor.
This post is to explore the dynamic of people who EXPECT you to drop everything and cater to them - from a cultural and also spiritual perspective - I feel like I MUST not let people down - that I "owe" them if they ask.
How come they don't feel the same way (this is what I would like to explore).
Why are some people EXEMPT from others EXPECTING anything from them (usually men)? And why is there an EXPECTATION that the lives of women are dispensable and that they MUST provide care to others (and why are they complicit in this agreement)?
Maybe you should ask those women WHY they're complicit because I feel it's their issue and choice.I have always felt that most women put themselves in that sort of role.Of course it doesn't help when as a young kid...people expected a young girl to babysit instead of asking a young man to do it.Look at all the babysitters who are females instead of males.I find it really sad.It's like saying that men are not capable of watching over kids or caring for sick ones and that is not true...yet most people expect a female to take over those types of roles.I find it very annoying and rude.Maybe more women should put their foot down and say NO..they don't want to do it but as long as you keep giving in...I guess then things will not change.You do have a choice.
Last edited by codergirl; 10-02-2017 at 02:15 PM..
I think as more and more people are unable to take on the Caregiver role, we're going to have a health care crisis in the USA. We will see a lot more elderly people out on the streets, especially as people are living longer lives now.
And honestly, I do see elderly people who live on the street from time to time, in the city where I live. It's going to get worse. At least I don't live in a part of the country where we get brutally cold winters. These people would easily die on the street.
If caregivers could be paid at least $15 an hour, that would be a start in getting more people to take on caregiving as a full time career. Sadly, most caregivers earn only minimum wage. I've seen people place job ads, begging to find someone take care of their elderly parent on a volunteer basis. They aren't willing to pay even one dime for someone to assume this difficult job. Get real, folks. People don't work for free and caregiving is hard work.
I think more people should refuse to automatically "take on" the caregiver role! If you want to and have a functional family, and the person needing care is good person who has treated you well, then it is understandable you would do everything in your power to see that their needs are taken care of . . .
BUT - caregivers today put themselves in subservient positions - they become martyrs - and that is not healthy!!!!
I wish I could have said "no" more often.
I wish I could have respected myself and my needs more.
Yes. My mom and dad had great care, but at what price?
Do people really weigh these things out?
It's the automatic "EXPECTATION" - the unconscious just moving in to "fix things" that I am questioning.
I saw a couple of friends last night. One of them is an only child of divorced parents, and her mother recently developed a serious illness for the first time.
The Mom lives out of state. My friend is a married-with-no-kids executive in her 40s who, up to now, has lived a life of complete freedom, totally on her and her husband's terms. Already been on 2-3 international vacations this year, participate in a full schedule of fun activities locally, that sort of life.
She is really freaking out because for the first time she is confronted with having to face being "the" one in charge of her mother's care (she's an only child). She feels like she wants to be there onsite for the major things (no question), but it's the little things that keep creeping up that put her in the "constant questioning mode" of "does this warrant me dropping everything to go down there?"
Mom's best friend is a retired nurse and has voluntarily taken an advocate role so that is some support "on the ground-- (and frankly this lady has more medical knowledge than my friend anyway and can navigate "the system.")
Mom doesn't want to move to our city because she has a large network of friends where she lives.
My friend feels a lot of pressure from aunts uncles, and some of her friends to "go down there" to attend to every little mini crisis. She is really struggling with this to the point of tears last night.
After my experience of dealing with an endless cycle of "mini" and "major" elderly parent crises over the past 2 decades, my advice to her was to pace herself. Her mother is only in her 70s so this could be going on for years. Seriously, every 3 or 4 months my parents have had "stuff" and I've "been there" for all of it. She and I differ in that I have the career flexibility to do so because I'm self-employed, and she is in a corporation. However, being self-employed means I don't get paid time off at all or benefits like FLMA.
I told her that going through this has exhausted me, killed my spirit, and made my marriage suffer a little (we are very strong, but we have to make a conscious effort to put each other first rather than just naturally "defaulting" to put each other first, if that makes sense. My mood is shaped by what is going on with my caregiving stress and that transfers to my husband.
I told her if she sets up reliable professional caregivers, that will help ensure her mother has support she needs for the "mini" crises.
She is where I was 20 years ago (even though we're about the same age) and my heart hurts for her because i know what she is facing.
I saw a couple of friends last night. One of them is an only child of divorced parents, and her mother recently developed a serious illness for the first time.
My friend feels a lot of pressure from aunts uncles, and some of her friends to "go down there" to attend to every little mini crisis. She is really struggling with this to the point of tears last night.
I really feel for her regarding the pressure from family and just being unsure of what to do. I think the advice to pace herself was good advice, even if her mother goes downhill quicker than expected.
At some point, we have to distance ourselves from "well meaning" friends and relatives. If they are pushy, tell the ones that want somebody else to do something that they are the somebody that needs to do it. They should visit, caregive, do whatever. You do not want or need their comments or suggestions that do not involve a specific offer of help.
Hard, difficult, distancing, etc. It needs to be balanced with your well being and emotional stability. It can have negative effects on the actual caregiving since the people feel pulled in so many different directions it is hard to make good decisions.
You know my stance on this, wasel - if her mom expects her daughter to help her out, she needs to move to the town the daughter lives in, and give the daughter the tools she needs to help as much as she can while also retaining as much autonomy and her own personal lifestyle (and relationships) as possible (general durable POA, medical POA and directive, co signer on bank accounts, etc.)
In my opinion it is incredibly unfair for elderly parents to expect their adult children to uproot their lives to "come home" to help them live "independently." When we're kids, we move where our parents' careers and lives are - we don't have a say in it and the parents are in charge of those decisions, because the kids depend on the parents' support in order to live a healthy life. When the tables are reversed, and the parents depend on the adult child's support in order to live a healthy life, they need to be prepared to accommodate the adult child's life and career and relationships.
I am the elderly parent here. I so agree with you. When I was the 40 yr old, my DH and I had to relocate, change careers, etc., to take care of his parents. After 12 yrs of that scene, I told my sons I would NEVER do that to them. I have kept my word: relocated when health issues arose, have been proactive in putting all legal documents in place, and have engaged an RN to help set up nursing home care when needed. Yes, it has been a tough 5 yrs for me but not near as bad as the 12 yrs of telling the in-laws that we could not turn back the clock for them, etc. I do not expect my sons and especially their dear wives to take care of us. If I have to move to subsidized housing, food stamps, 100 sq ft trailer, or whatever, I will do it happily. Of course all of us may need some medical support for a few months before passing but that is not the same as dealing with long term caretaking - especially for unrealistic parents. I strongly declared to my attorney yesterday that I want things set up so that my final days do not "eat up" my sons/wives/children. I am not afraid of the future. Is that why older Americans fight tooth and nail to maintain the status quo?
I am the elderly parent here. I so agree with you. When I was the 40 yr old, my DH and I had to relocate, change careers, etc., to take care of his parents. After 12 yrs of that scene, I told my sons I would NEVER do that to them. I have kept my word: relocated when health issues arose, have been proactive in putting all legal documents in place, and have engaged an RN to help set up nursing home care when needed. Yes, it has been a tough 5 yrs for me but not near as bad as the 12 yrs of telling the in-laws that we could not turn back the clock for them, etc. I do not expect my sons and especially their dear wives to take care of us. If I have to move to subsidized housing, food stamps, 100 sq ft trailer, or whatever, I will do it happily. Of course all of us may need some medical support for a few months before passing but that is not the same as dealing with long term caretaking - especially for unrealistic parents. I strongly declared to my attorney yesterday that I want things set up so that my final days do not "eat up" my sons/wives/children. I am not afraid of the future. Is that why older Americans fight tooth and nail to maintain the status quo?
Amen and amen - and after dealing with my inlaws who insisted on staying in their 3000 square foot house on 3 acres out in the middle of freaking NOWHERE while everyone in the family scrambled about trying to meet their needs for YEARS, my husband and I clarified this too. When we need help, we're going where the willing adult kids are - alone or together (thank goodness my oldest daughter and her husband have made it very clear that they would welcome either or both of us into their lives). I mean, of course, if one of us was widowed - no divorce plans here!
No way would I EVER want to live with any of my adult kids. Like you, I'll live in subsidized housing, on food stamps, in a tiny trailer, you name it, before I even considered moving into their home. No way would I put that off on any of our kids.
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