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I am in such a predicament, I have an awful situation and I really don’t know what to do, and the guilt is eating me away. My mom and dad are young (70 and 67) but need practically full-time care. They have been divorce for over 17 years. I have two siblings one that lives in Puerto Rico, one lives in NJ and I live in TX.
Let me start with my dad, who lives with his sister, is diabetic and suffers from Neuropathy, he can’t hardly walk because he can’t feel his legs. A couple of years ago he almost lost his two feet due to infected ulcers, thank God he pull through. During that time I had to bounce back and forth between my house and my family, university and the hospital for a while, the stress was such, that I started to lose my hair.
My mom is well physically but note emotionally, she suffers from anxiety, panic attacks and she is showing sign of dementia, am not sure if that’s what it is, but her mother was also the same way and our family has a history of depression and emotional disbalance. She sometimes sounds clear, but other time she seems to be out of touch, repeating the same things over and over. She lives in her house with her animals, that’s where she feels comfortable, is like her little world.
This is the situation, they both live in Puerto Rico, now with the destruction that Maria caused their situation to get a little bit more delicate. My dad wants to leave the island, but we don’t have the means to help him. I lived in a two-story house, and I myself fallen down the stair a few times. I work all day and come home around 7pm sometimes to pick up my daughter and bring her to one of her afterschool classes. My husband is sometimes home, but also travels a lot, and I don’t think is fair to put that responsibility on him. I have contemplated in bringing my mom here, but the reality of it is that I can’t take care of her, and I can’t provide full time care for them and I don’t have the financial resources to provide care for them.
They both get SS, but is not enough for them to take care of their own care.
I would act now contacting all the social service agencies you can - both in NJ and TX. Since the island was destroyed your parents will be two of a million or so people who need/want to get here. Because PR won't be re-built from scratch quickly. And they've been leaving in record numbers even before the hurricane. I think we've gotten easily 100,000 people here coming to FL in the past couple years. I heard the hospitals and critical care facilities were back on line even over a week ago but for other needs? Who knows even with an aid package how long that will take if there are no physical buildings to reopen quickly.
Is your sister (or both siblings) willing to come over with them and live here?
I remember people talking about this even recently because PR Medicaid system was about to go off the cliff and we'd end up with so many people having to move here for help - so the logic was to just bail it out to keep them in their homes. NOW? Who knows what will happen.
That's why IMO you need an expert in Social Services to guide you for options. And don't forget to contact some hurricane disaster people or charities or faith based groups who may already be working on it.
Even if they lived here, the challenge is great. But if your sister is here at least you have someone who can help. Or is she tied there with family etc? Wouldn't you think they'd all want to come over now? Are there jobs still available in their field (like construction) or were they destroyed (like agriculture)? Sounds like your mom can hold on for awhile if she has a family companion and your dad will have to have a medical evaluation and the whole nine yards to see if he needs a skilled nursing home or if he can be managed at home.
Does he live alone? Perhaps the BOTH of them will have to put the divorce behind them and live in the same home in order to get the care they need. Of course that may make your mom worse. Sad situation!
Thank you so much for your advise. I will start contacting the Social Services here in TX.
My dad can live on his own, but because of his neuropathy he needs somebody to drive him around for his Dr. appointments and other necessities.
My mom and dad can't live together we try that and it didn't work. My mom and dad were married for 30+ years, and he was very abusive physically and mentally. I don't want to put my mom through that again. One of my brothers is in NJ and can't leave his 20+ job to re-relocate. My younger brother lives in Puerto Rico, and am trying to convince him to re-locate to TX, but him and his wife are still trying to process what they are going through and refuse to come to US.
Also, there is other issues that might prevent my mom and dad to get benefits from social services. My mom owns the house she lives in (well in another 6yrs will be paid off). When they divorce my dad relinquish any ownership of the house, but the mortgage still in both of their names. As I understand, you can't own a property if you need to apply for any other benefits through social services. Is that true?
I have anxiety and depression issues. Your mother may not be suffering from dementia as those two things can cause intense irrationality. I have occasionally become delusional.
I would prioritize helping your dad simply because of his severe health issues - bring him to the U.S. and find him a Medicare/Medicaid facility to live in. On the other hand, he sounds like a total dick though, so I wouldn't blame you for writing him off and letting him reap what he's sown in his life. Honestly, I wouldn't put yourself out for him. Let one of your siblings do that if they want to.
With regard to your mother, she sounds like she has built herself her own little world that gives her some comfort. If she is not on medication, I would make an effort to get her on something like Zoloft or Prozac. There's a good chance she could stabilize with that. I went on a low dose of Zoloft a few years ago during a very stressful time, and the difference it made in my outlook and mental health absolutely stunned me. I had not expected the effects to be so significant. THat said, with any SRI there's a possiblity of an adverse reaction, so keep that in mind.
Sorry for the tough situation. Do not feel guilty. You should only feel that way if you had huge resources and ignored your family. You do not have the physical or financial resources to change the lives of your parents. You can feel obligated, but they have chosen their life for themselves.
Your best way to help your parents is to assist them in making good choices now. You do not have any resources to bail them out.
Just as we cannot live their lives for our children, you cannot live your parent's lives for them.
RWS has some good suggestions. You must rely on the various social services to care for your family in Puerto Rico. Once you bring them to mainland USA you may find services are less available and the language barrier will be greater. Try to work things out with them back on the island. They will be happier.
The mortgage does not matter with ownership of the home. It does matter as a debt for both of them, of course. If the transfer of the home was not done correctly then either one of them could be assessed as owner. When the time comes to access Medicaid you will probably need a lawyer on site to deal with that.
There is a forum over in Financial that deals in Medicaid issues.
Good luck with this stressful situation. Just remember, you did not create any of these difficulties, but perhaps you can guide your parents on how they solve the problems.
1. Investigate all of the social services (if any) they would qualify for in TX.
2. Discuss with your parents that if they come to the US mainland (PR is the US), they will have to live in a nursing facility. They have no other options.
2. Price out the cost of plane tickets and such.
3. Prepare you home for your parents to stay temporarily. Price out home health aides or others that may be needed temporarily until they get moved to a facility.
4. Transition them to the facility.
I have anxiety and depression issues. Your mother may not be suffering from dementia as those two things can cause intense irrationality. I have occasionally become delusional.
Yes, anxiety and depression can manifest in many ways, we went through the same thing with her mother. My mom was a very social person, use to go dancing with friends and use to be very independent. Little by little she isolated herself, stop going out, driving etc. (it took about 3 years for her to get to this point if complete isolation) Everyone is saying is dementia but I know is not that, or am pretty sure is not, and I believe with the proper treatment she can improve a lot more.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector
I would prioritize helping your dad simply because of his severe health issues - bring him to the U.S. and find him a Medicare/Medicaid facility to live in. On the other hand, he sounds like a total dick though, so I wouldn't blame you for writing him off and letting him reap what he's sown in his life. Honestly, I wouldn't put yourself out for him. Let one of your siblings do that if they want to.
My resentment against my dad is a subject for another forum. lol. My mom taught me to be respectful to him as my dad or at least treat him with humanity. So yes, is hard to do because of the way he was or is. He can be very manipulative and toxic, that's why am trying to find a way to help him, but I can bring him into my home, because I will be asking for a whole other issue. I will not let him manipulate me and bring his toxicity into my home.
Sorry for the tough situation. Do not feel guilty. You should only feel that way if you had huge resources and ignored your family. You do not have the physical or financial resources to change the lives of your parents. You can feel obligated, but they have chosen their life for themselves.
Your best way to help your parents is to assist them in making good choices now. You do not have any resources to bail them out.
1. Investigate all of the social services (if any) they would qualify for in TX.
2. Discuss with your parents that if they come to the US mainland (PR is the US), they will have to live in a nursing facility. They have no other options.
2. Price out the cost of plane tickets and such.
3. Prepare you home for your parents to stay temporarily. Price out home health aides or others that may be needed temporarily until they get moved to a facility.
4. Transition them to the facility.
You are so right, I am a total mess, I can't get my thoughts together, and your suggestions helps a lot.
1. This is my biggest challenge, I don't know my way around the system. But I will get on it by placing calls to the different agencies.
2. Already, discuss that with my dad, he know this is the only way.
3. Done this already.
4. Afraid to even imagine that my dad will be with living with us, don't mind living close to him, but working on it!!
5. Hopefully I can accomplish this sooner that later.
I would act now contacting all the social service agencies you can - both in NJ and TX. Since the island was destroyed your parents will be two of a million or so people who need/want to get here. Because PR won't be re-built from scratch quickly. And they've been leaving in record numbers even before the hurricane. I think we've gotten easily 100,000 people here coming to FL in the past couple years. I heard the hospitals and critical care facilities were back on line even over a week ago but for other needs? Who knows even with an aid package how long that will take if there are no physical buildings to reopen quickly.
Is your sister (or both siblings) willing to come over with them and live here?
I remember people talking about this even recently because PR Medicaid system was about to go off the cliff and we'd end up with so many people having to move here for help - so the logic was to just bail it out to keep them in their homes. NOW? Who knows what will happen.
That's why IMO you need an expert in Social Services to guide you for options. And don't forget to contact some hurricane disaster people or charities or faith based groups who may already be working on it.
Even if they lived here, the challenge is great. But if your sister is here at least you have someone who can help. Or is she tied there with family etc? Wouldn't you think they'd all want to come over now? Are there jobs still available in their field (like construction) or were they destroyed (like agriculture)? Sounds like your mom can hold on for awhile if she has a family companion and your dad will have to have a medical evaluation and the whole nine yards to see if he needs a skilled nursing home or if he can be managed at home.
Does he live alone? Perhaps the BOTH of them will have to put the divorce behind them and live in the same home in order to get the care they need. Of course that may make your mom worse. Sad situation!
This...also, your parents may qualify for a caretaker to come into your home for several hours each day to help with bathing, cookings, laundry, etc.
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