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I can't deal with the mind games anymore. I probably won't stick to it, but I told my brother to leave me alone.
Aren't there agencies where people will be advocates and do things like help him make phone calls when he can't talk? Just one example for something I had to do in the past.
A month ago, he said he doesn't have any money left and needs a loan against the house. NO. He put me in a panic though that maybe he wasn't lying.
Now he wants to built some sort of an apartment in the backyard for me and this lady who also has MS to live in I was like what? She lives in a nursing home. Who is going to do what she needs there? Me?
I also pointed out that to get plumbing and electricity and all that it will cost a lot a lot of money. I was like I thought you don't have money even for food?
gah.
I hate the way these things make my mind spin. He never answers my questions about it all, each time he throws these weird curve-balls.
He said that the apartment or whatever was ideally for a handyman. I said I am not a handyman. He said yeah, I have to give you 'first dibs', but if you accept I would hire a handyman.
Oh, so now he can afford to build this thing, AND hire a handyman, and me living there is like a favor. What in the fork?
My Aunt said 'this woman must have money to pay rent'. I said yeah, or he just wants companionship. I have no idea! I know it's crazy. Trading living space for a handyman/helper for him is not crazy. Moving in a woman who is currently in a nursing home is. He said she really doesn't need to be there. What does that mean? If I would take care of them both she wouldn't need to be there? I can't figure out any other meaning to that.
Anyway, if I do try and follow through with my 'leave me alone' thing, what does he do, who does he call? The MS society? IDK. I feel so angry and frustrated that I want him just to go to the damn nursing home. Or do whatever crazy plans you want, just leave me out of it.
I did repeat I will NEVER sign a loan on the house. Budget accordingly. He's wanted that equity forever. No. Not for a gambler. I said I am not going to risk your shelter for money in the now. 'I don't care about shelter right now! I want to eat!' I was all calm at that point, knowing this day was coming for a long time. I said I doubt that. If that is true, then wheel away to wherever and use all your money for food and entertainment. We can liquidate the house, and you'll have even more than the amount you want to borrow.
He hung up. Now he's the opposite of broke. His counter to that was 'Well, I am not doing this NOW'. Gah, so it's another plan you are hatching for when you win big in the stock market?
I want out I guess is what I am saying. It would require blocking him on the email and on facebook. Otherwise crazy messages pop up and I can't not read them.
Also, he has recently screamed at me to STAY OUT OF HIS LIFE! So why does he keep dragging me into it?
It would be easy to do 'no contact' with him being a narcissist as I did before my mother died. I only helped him when I had to in order to help her. But now with him being on his own I feel trapped. I don't mind helping in certain ways. I don't mind trying to be nice to him, even though he ignores my messages, he gets upset if I don't check on him. I do mind my brain being blown up too frequently.
Re-reading his messages. And a new one repeating 'good question' to my question of how will you pay for this? I think this is attempt two at getting that loan. In a way he thinks benefits me too. Living in this apartment in the backyard. No! If I was destitute I would have to but thank God I am not.
I truly, honestly feel for him that he needs a caretaker but GD it is not going to be me. Not full time like he wants. I'm sorry. I fear I am going to hell for it, but I'm not doing it. Not for someone who is abusive. No.
He has nothing but time to look into resources. He won't even allow home health care. I know it wouldn't be enough but it would be something. OTs would be good. Teach him how to dress himself. He won't lift a finger to help himself, he just wants a caretaker/secretary/etc. like my Mom was.
Everyone understand he has real, true, awful difficulties with MS. It's a dreadful disease. But no one understands not lifting a finger. Even the out of state Aunt that for over two years defended him is done. She's like 'why do you have to research everything? He can read. He uses his ipad all the time'.
Her contribution was listening to him with a kind ear and she is totally done with that. Listening to streams of hate and negativity about everything. Telling her to stay out of his business when she tries to offer helpful suggestions.
But I am not seeking a rah rah yeah screw him! IDK what I am seeking. Perspective maybe. It takes me a long time to 'get over' when he messes with my mind.
Several years ago, the outlet next to my chair stopped working. I ran an extension cord behind the sofa to the outlet on the other wall as a temporary fix until I got somebody to find and repair the problem. Fast forward to today: The outlet still doesn't work and the extension cord is still supplying power to my reading lamp.
Just shows to go ya, as long as something is working there's no need to fix it.
If you spend too much time with someone, you will get their ramblings, day dreams, nightmares, and all kinds of stuff that will never materialize or amount to anything if initiated. You either take these things for what they are, create some distance, or cut the cord altogether. That is, unless you like this stuff. Personally, I could get the same thing by watching those stupid reality TV shows where they express every single thought as it pops into their heads.
He had other people taking care of him and facilitating him his whole life. Even recently when the hospital didn't want to release him home unattended and the family insisted they were wrong, remember?
You can't change someone just because you want to.
Besides MS, your brother has serious mental/psych/emotional issues. Plenty of other people have MS without the same psych issues he has. And he has an audience. And he has all day long to dream this stuff up, then refuse everything the family says.
Doesn't your father jump to the rescue all the time, still? So when he's no longer able to do so, your brother will have an entirely new drama.
I would let him dream up this crap and ignore it. YMWV.
Perhaps it's time for you to get some counseling, so you can learn to let go and stop allowing him to guilt you into anything or mess with your mind. It happens because you allow it. Time to stop.
The dreaming stuff up thing doesn't bother me. It came on the heels of the panic he put me in a month ago (I think it was about a month) about not having money for FOOD unless I sign this loan.
I'm used to the dreaming up stuff. He came across like he was doing it now. It's not the first mention of it.
The man who runs a professional lawn service, who is a neighbor, and previously only did his lawn, has been helping him in other ways and like two months ago there was talk of some guy he knew who was willing to live in the backyard and do things for my brother.
So, this didn't sound like dreaming something for future, it seemed a present plan. It put me into a state because of supposedly being out of his savings a month ago and I'm still angry that he tried to play a mind game to get me to sign that loan.
I have him in what I call a 'time out'. Where I block his messages so that my brain is protected from hearing anything that will hurt it.
I told him I am not playing these games. You tell me stay out of your life, then you want me back in, but only to do as told, no questions, and I've told you again and again I do not operate that way. You can't tell me you are destitute, and then tell me you want to build this thing, and then refuse to answer when I ask how you will pay for it?
I was pretty coarse. I said I am not a toy. My brain doesn't exist for you to f with. BLOCK.
Perhaps it's time for you to get some counseling, so you can learn to let go and stop allowing him to guilt you into anything or mess with your mind. It happens because you allow it. Time to stop.
What I really want is just to stick to what I said which is 'I am never going to sign a loan on the house. Budget accordingly. And do whatever else you want or don't want, but leave me alone'.
Arkay offered some good advice.
If you keep allowing your brother to upset you, your health will eventually be affected.
It's awful that your brother has MS but it's no excuse to be abusive.
Refusing a loan against the house is absolutely correct. Saying he needs the money to buy food I sense, is just emotional blackmail.
Who would pay the loan anyway? It would fall onto you off-course. If he lost the house, who will he guilt into accommodating him? You?
Research is showing that cannabis relieves many symptoms of MS & stops it's progression in many patients.
It might even make him a more pleasant person.
Good luck.
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