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BIL is realizing caregiving responsibilities were more than he and his wife bargained for. Most (if not all) of the caregiving is being provided by his wife, and he wants to get her out of that role.
Funny how getting her out of that role doesn't involve BIL stepping into that role in any way since it is, you know, HIS mother and all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dmills
BIL did improvements on his home to make it more accessible for an elderly person (stairlift, grab bars in restroom, etc). We'd have to do the same to our own home.
We were planning to retire in 1-3 years, and relocating from where we currently live, but do not have a specific location/timeframe.
These bolded points are a consideration. Here's a thought: Since you were already planning to move possibly as soon as 1 year from now, maybe you and your wife could relocate to BIL's town. MIL could stay in that home that is already renovated for her use, and your wife could go over there every day to caregive. That way you and your wife wouldn't have to live apart, and she could still be looking after her mom.
Would that work? I don't know what kind of job you have but maybe you could still work remotely?
MIL is 90 years old. She is in reasonably good health, although she does have typical ailments (i.e. diabetes, arthritis, glaucoma, etc.) associated with age.
She was living in her own home, and my wife was preforming the majority of caregiving. The family decided (for a variety of reasons) that that was no longer a viable option, so brother who lives across the country decided to have her move into his home. She moved about seven months ago.
My wife did most of the heavy lifting to facilitate the move, including staying on at brothers house (FMLA) for several months to help with transition, and arranging for care, benefits, etc. She returned home about three months ago.
BIL is realizing caregiving responsibilities were more than he and his wife bargained for. Most (if not all) of the caregiving is being provided by his wife, and he wants to get her out of that role. She is willing to help, but doesn't want to be primary caregiver. We're now forced to look at a couple options:
Wife retires early and moves into BIL's house to resume primary caregiving responsibilities
MIL relocates back to where we live, and moves in with us. Wife assumes primary caregiving responsibilities
Those are the two most viable options. Just as background information the area where BIL lives is probably more conducive (weather wise) for MIL. BIL did improvements on his home to make it more accessible for an elderly person (stairlift, grab bars in restroom, etc). We'd have to do the same to our own home.
I was married previously. Former MIL lived in my home for about three years. I understand the stress and strain associated with caregiving. Its not easy work, and I don't look forward to going through it again.
Wife wants to bring her back into our home. To be honest, she's wanted to do that for about the last 5-10 years, but I have resisted. I just didn't feel like it was necessary. Things are probably getting to the point where its best she not live alone now. Now, it feels like that choice is being forced on me.
My main concern is the time commitment required for care (much more than when wife was going to her house, and returning home everyday. I'm also concerned about the loss of privacy, and impact on our lifestyle. We were planning to retire in 1-3 years, and relocating from where we currently live, but do not have a specific location/timeframe.
ALF/Nursing home is not an option. Am I being selfish to not necessarily want the live-in option?
My husband and I took care of my FIL for 8 years. He lived in our home with us for the 8 years. He had had a quintuple bypass and three major strokes. He languished in a nursing home for several months, so we brought him to our house and hired part-time nursing care. He was in a diaper and was a total lift. We got him good rehab, and eventually he could do a few things for himself and walk short distances with a claw cane and supervision.
The diapers were tough. We could only afford nursing care three days a week, for 6 hours a day. We also sent him to adult day care two days a week. The late afternoons, nights, and weekends 24/7 were on us alone. No one offered assistance or to give us a break by taking him out for the day.
I wouldn't wish what we did on anyone else, but it was very rewarding. Not sure if he would have done the same for me. We finally placed him in a nursing facility the last 3 years of his life. We visited him everyday. WE felt bad because when he got sick, his second wife cleaned out all of his bank accounts, filed for all of his assets, and dumped him in a nursing home. She then took a Hawaii vacation. Someone had to care about him.
Your MIL sounds like she is still somewhat self sufficient, so consider a modest assisted living apartment room. They will look in on her, they feed her meals, they also have field trips and activities. Pricey but sometimes worth it.
I don't blame you. Moving her in will change your life. Maybe if it is for a short time, your wife will at least know that she tried her best before moving her somewhere else.
A much better situation you can try is to high a live in. I have an older aunt who lives with an even older lady, and she gets weekends off, and a paycheck as well, cash! This situation works much better, as all of the kids will do their part on off days, the weekends.
It is usually much easier for the man to tolerate a mother in law, than it is for a women. You may have to have a few counseling sessions with your wife, to let it all out, and better understand how you both will be handling things. You really dont want to end a marriage because of an in-law, that really sucks. The Mrs. needs to remember that she is not a professional caregiver. Perhaps there is someone in her family that may be more inviting to have mom around? An unmarried or divorced/widowed cousin?
See if you can get the other household to cover an additional 20 hours of the paid help. At this point, you have some leverage, assuming that the mother still resides with the brother-in-law. That would allow your wife to work which would bring in more money to cover more hours of paid care.
It sounds like the OP's wife is going to give care to her mom no matter what her husband thinks. OP has to decide whether this is acceptable to him or not. Good luck!
Off topic but after reading all this I hope I do not become like a piece of baggage to my family. Heres to being killed falling off my horse at full gallop on a fine day.
Funny how getting her out of that role doesn't involve BIL stepping into that role in any way since it is, you know, HIS mother and all.
These bolded points are a consideration. Here's a thought: Since you were already planning to move possibly as soon as 1 year from now, maybe you and your wife could relocate to BIL's town. MIL could stay in that home that is already renovated for her use, and your wife could go over there every day to caregive. That way you and your wife wouldn't have to live apart, and she could still be looking after her mom.
Would that work? I don't know what kind of job you have but maybe you could still work remotely?
Interesting conversation. I will say that the commentary has been different from what I expected from the caregiving forum. However, based on my previous experience, it is “realistic.” Caregiving is stressful work, and it is also stressful living in a house with a person who is doing full-time caregiving. I don’t think my wife (who does happen to be a nurse - to answer someone else’s question) completely grasps how difficult it is. She has always been able to walk away from the caregiving, at some point.
That's just it. There's no walking away from caregiving when it's in your home. Totally different than working at a doctor's office, nursing facility, etc. you leave at the end of your shift. Your shift never ends at home.
MIL has unique dietary (cultural) eating requirements that would not be accommodated by an ALF. Also, the family is averse to the idea of a nursing home (if they can at all avoid it). There was a fall in the last year that occurred at night (possible mini-stroke), so the family is understandably squeamish about leaving her alone.
Right now, there is a paid aid involved, but she only provides about 20 hours of respite per week, which leaves the rest of the burden on the SIL. That's what we're trying to relive. That is the benefit to the option for wife to relocate. There is the aid, plus the SIL who would be available for respite.
The option for MIL to move here would essentially leave wife with the bulk of the caregiving burden. She'd likely try to take it all on her shoulders. I know from experience that that is a short term solution at best. Right now she sees the live-in option as a way for her to continue her career AND do caregiving, but without respite, it feels like it is a bit pie in the sky.
As I said, I have lived this experience before. Let's just say, "it didn't end well" for anyone. Obviously every situation is different, but it just feels familiar.
Why not help out financially and increase the Aid time to 40 hours a week? Having your wife relocate is not good for your marriage, having your MIL move to your home just switches the burdon from one woman to the other.
The only alternative would've been to find a nursing home in a major city on the West coast or Hawaii with mostly Chinese or Japanese residents.
Yes, in the SF Bay Area (and LA Area) we have numerous facilities at various price points that cater to Chinese and Japanese. Koreans are more highly represented in Southern California, which also has facilities that cater to Chinese and Japanese.
If the MIL is from the Philippines then any of the small "care homes" in the SF Bay Area would do, as they are nearly all owned and operated by Filipinas.
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