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Like others here, my wife and I provide care for her 88 year old mother 3 to 4 times per week. She is cared for by another nearby daughter (and husband) the remaining days. Mom has dementia. My wife and her sister have shared mom's care since 2016. There are three other siblings whom (unfortunately) have chosen not to partake in mom's care because they live overseas. The overseas three are rather well off, two of whom have 24 hour maid service in their homes. One of the three is a medical doctor.
To our shock and disbelief, my wife's four siblings have unanimously decided to place mom under our care 100% of the time. Reason? Because my wife is a Registered Nurse. They've claimed every excuse for not being able to participate in mom's care. We've heard everything from how mom's care obstructs their careers, to the dangers of the swimming pools in their backyards. Like most of her siblings, my wife and I work fulltime jobs. However, we are shift workers with somewhat awkward working hours. I cannot argue against the fact that - outside of her medical doctor sibling - my wife has the most medical training.
I have chosen to stand behind my distraught wife and I've encouraged her not to resist her siblings' decision. In my opinion, she will face more pushback from her four siblings if she resists. Having mom with us full time will be challenging. I do, however, believe there is room for some negotiating with her other four children. If there is no room for negotiating Karma will eventually excise its due justice.
All of you should be able to pool your resources to get mom into a great ALF.
You two continue to say "no" to having her full time. It is too much to ask of one person.
I assume they will pay you a salary for this? I mean, pay into social security for your wife and give her a salary? I imagine not. No, you all need to come to a decision together. If siblings are well off there ought to be a way to divide the costs between all of you equitably. Perhaps your wife could do some of the hands on stuff for her, and the others could pay more into the monthly stipend she would need to live in an ALF.
If this is not acceptable to the rest of the siblings, continue to say "no" to their demands. Stand firm.
Remember that the income your wife earns as a nurse is just as important you you as the income the others earn from their occupations.
You had my sympathy right up until the time you said you encourage her not to resist her siblings' decision. WTH? Your wife, who works and has a career, is "distraught," to use your own word, at the thought of having her life upended and her mom dumped on her. And you are telling her to just roll over & take it from her siblings?? I'm flabbergasted. That is just about the crappiest thing I've heard in a while.
ETA: Do you have any idea how damn hard it is to provide constant care for someone with dementia? OMG. The medical training excuse is utter BS. Dementia patients need people trained to deal with DEMENTIA, not just a "nurse." Are the siblings going to contribute financially? Are YOU going to do a lot of the hard work yourself -- cleaning, bathing, wiping up the poop and pee, etc?
I just looked at your previous post about your MIL. Her dementia is really advanced. She needs to be someplace where they can take care of her -- not your home. You actually want a hallucinating old lady with dementia in your home 24/7??
***You had my sympathy right up until the time you said you encourage her not to resist her siblings' decision***. WTH? Your wife, who works and has a career, is "distraught," to use your own word, at the thought of having her life upended and her mom dumped on her. And you are telling her to just roll over & take it from her siblings?? I'm flabbergasted. That is just about the crappiest thing I've heard in a while.
ETA: Do you have any idea how damn hard it is to provide constant care for someone with dementia? OMG. The medical training excuse is utter BS. Dementia patients need people trained to deal with DEMENTIA, not just a "nurse." Are the siblings going to contribute financially? Are YOU going to do a lot of the hard work yourself -- cleaning, bathing, wiping up the poop and pee, etc?
I just looked at your previous post about your MIL. Her dementia is really advanced. She needs to be someplace where they can take care of her -- not your home. You actually want a hallucinating old lady with dementia in your home 24/7??
Agree completely. Some other arrangement needs to be made, no family should have her and be expected to give care 100% of the time.
What's wrong with you? Support your wife....a full time job as a nurse is enough strife even without a 2nd responsibility, I know this from experience. Don't be a pushover.
The decisions regarding your MIL NEED to be made by ALL SIBLINGS IN PERSON at moms beside, where they can each assess the situation and decide TOGETHER what course to take.
That may not prevent the sibs from saying " its her job"...,but a week together MANDATORY is necessary. State so to the siblings, in no uncertain terms. Set a date, perhaps the holidays is just the time for at least a weekend with mom. If they refuse, you will put mom in a hone and tell the home the siblings are responsible for her and Give the home the siblings names addresses and phone numbers. Do not hesitate to do this.
One person out of 5 cannot take on the total responsibility for the one who raised them all.
We are facing a difficult time with my FIL , but my Other Half is an only child, so its just US it all falls on, just the two of us. And hes starting to drive us batty. ( see my thread here " caregiving where to begin (again), "). My OH has already said if it comes to be too difficult, FIL will go to a home, and on medicaid if necessary. I say we need to at least try to care for him. Point is we are doing it.
But your wife has 4 others to consider in moms decisions, out of the country or not. They need to grow a pair, step up to the plate, and be an adult.
Letting it become your wifes sole problem divests them of any problems or guilt over mom. Then if, i guarantee you , that if they think your wife made a wrong decision regarding mom, they will haunt your wife for the rest of life.
Tell them get here or you will sue them for financial support for moms care and hire it all out. They will HAVE TO appear in court or have assets seized if you can. MAKE them become responsible. I believe there are precedent cases like this. Especially if shes facing medicaid bills for her care. The state can look to who could be responsible for moms care.
That way you can still work and come home in peace.
I appreciate everyone's input regardless of whether I agree or disagree.
Bottom line, the overseas three will have little to no involvement in their mom's care. They are buffered from this responsibility by thousands of miles and several seas. It's not like we can drive up to their homes with mom and say, "It's your turn to care for mom." The only other soul we can possibly turn to is her nearby sister. For this reason I have encouraged my wife to not resist a whole lot. If her local sister's tension drops a bit, we may be in a better position to convince and negotiate a more equitable arrangement versus of assuming sole custodial care of mom.
I prefer to approach this from the point of compromise vs the point of confrontation.
Agree completely. Some other arrangement needs to be made, no family should have her and be expected to give care 100% of the time.
What's wrong with you? Support your wife....a full time job as a nurse is enough strife even without a 2nd responsibility, I know this from experience. Don't be a pushover.
ALC the best answer....
Assisted Living Care has been ruled out by all involved, myself included.
While mom is still somewhat cognizant of her surroundings, there is no way I'd place her in the hands of people whose primary interest in her wellbeing amounts to little more than their take-home checks. She may not be my mother by blood. But she is my mother in terms of loving kindness. Sure, I may regret and even reverse my position later on. But while today is still today, I wish nothing more than to provide the best possible care for my MIL. At the very least, she deserves our willingness to give it a go.
If your wife is actually going to become her mother's full-time caregiver, her siblings need to pay her a salary. And it needs to match or exceed what she is giving up. Why should YOUR retirement fund suffer while THEIR retirement funds are untouched? Not to mention the lack of disruption in their lives.
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