Really appreciative of this time (child, parent, grandmother, facility)
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My dad is in a great phase. He has accepted that his brain is failing and that he needs to live in a secure facility. He's maintaining an upbeat attitude (with the help of a little mood booster) and decent health, and we've been having some really good conversations and quality time. All the stress of moving him into a home is past. I remember how unhappy my grandmother was at this point in her life with her dementia and general sadness and I'm so freakin grateful that I have this time with my dad. I stopped by tonight and we had another rowdy conversation in his room that boosted my depressed mood and was just really lovely.
I kind of expected this would just be a miserable slog, but right now is kind of wonderful. Hell, a month ago, he peed on the seat of my car when I couldn't get him to a bathroom in time, and we've been laughing about it ever since. I've started to bring a chessboard with me when I visit sometimes so we can play (badly) together. And I've been bringing my own reading material and will sit in his room and the two of us will just read our books or magazines and converse when the spirit moves us.
I'm just really grateful right now that we have this lull. I know it will get worse, but right now, it's kind of nice having my daddy living just a mile away. I did not expect it to bring me this much joy.
This is really great news - thank you for sharing it with us. It's an element of caregiving that isn't always present but sometimes it IS.
One thing I realized is that even in the midst of all this sorrow, there are nuggets of beauty to be found. For instance, my mother has always been "damaged goods." She was emotionally abused as a child, very neglected, so from an early age she became very reserved, very standoffish, hard to communicate with (she was probably always wired together to be sort of an introvert on top of that). But now that she has become so childlike, I get to see the little girl she was before the emotional damage - this little girl shows up from time to time and she is absolutely precious, guileless and loving. I can actually see this cute little girl in her eyes and in her expressions - and she's a beautiful little thing and a person very few people have even seen and no one ever appreciated or probably even noticed. So I love those glimmers of innocence and sweetness.
Another thing she does now, which she didn't ever do before, is she brags on me - she is always telling me how much she appreciates me, how much she loves me and enjoys seeing me. See, her filters are gone and now I get to see how she has probably always felt but never expressed.
So hopefully you will continue to see this upbeat, gregarious, humorous side of your dad. I love hearing your stories! KEEP SHARING THEM! And it's great to see how you treasure them, because some people just get so overwhelmed or distracted or both with other elements of caregiving that they aren't able to enjoy the sweet spots.
I'm so happy for you JrzDefector. And glad you can see it now so you don't have to wait until later to appreciate it.
We all know what hard work this stage of life and these choices are so if you can feel any sense of reward at the time you are going through it that makes it all the more bearable.
My mom was a school teacher of the old school. Pretty straight-laced. It wasn't until my dad had passed and she was in the final stages of her life that she finally let down her hair and I got to see a more relaxed side of her. What fun we had! And I learned so much about who I am from the experience.
I have felt as though those final years I spent with my parents, as difficult as they were, were really sacred times in my life and a true gift. How delightful to know that that can be true for others.
By the way, JRZ, you and your dad are lucky to have each other. I know that road has been difficult at times, but isn't it comforting in some ways to reach this stage of your life together?
My dad is in a great phase. He has accepted that his brain is failing and that he needs to live in a secure facility. He's maintaining an upbeat attitude (with the help of a little mood booster) and decent health, and we've been having some really good conversations and quality time. All the stress of moving him into a home is past. I remember how unhappy my grandmother was at this point in her life with her dementia and general sadness and I'm so freakin grateful that I have this time with my dad. I stopped by tonight and we had another rowdy conversation in his room that boosted my depressed mood and was just really lovely.
I kind of expected this would just be a miserable slog, but right now is kind of wonderful. Hell, a month ago, he peed on the seat of my car when I couldn't get him to a bathroom in time, and we've been laughing about it ever since. I've started to bring a chessboard with me when I visit sometimes so we can play (badly) together. And I've been bringing my own reading material and will sit in his room and the two of us will just read our books or magazines and converse when the spirit moves us.
I'm just really grateful right now that we have this lull. I know it will get worse, but right now, it's kind of nice having my daddy living just a mile away. I did not expect it to bring me this much joy.
Glad you have this special time together.
I had the same with my dad and we ended up talking of issues never before mentioned...his WWII role, his wounds from same. Other topics were his childhood and family, which we as kids never ask of our parents.
Good you can laugh with him and support him as you will in the future.
Rowdy conversations are great!! He must be thoroughly enjoying your visits.
Dad never talked about his four years in the South Pacific during the War until the last few weeks of his life. I was glad to hear a little about that part of his life. It helped me understand him better.
I've found now that they're both gone I think more frequently about them in their younger years and have a great deal more sympathy and forgiveness about things they did that used to trouble or anger me. It's been a good way to heal from the common hurts we carry about our parents. It's like a sense of understanding.
I know I've told this story before but you can't stop me from doing it again. Heh. My dad only spanked me once. This weighed heavily on my heart for many years. I remember thinking, "How can you tell someone that you love them and then hit them?" This was a source of confusion for me as a child.
What's odd is my mother's spankings didn't have the same effect at all. For me it was just, "Well, I guess I won't ever do THAT again" and that was the end of it.
But Dad's spanking really hurt my heart. I felt that it would be good to talk to him about this before he died but I couldn't think of any tactful way to bring the subject up without causing friction between us at a time when neither of us needed that hindrance.
One day the opportunity presented itself and I said, "You and I have done pretty good together all these years. You only had to spank me once." Then I waited.
After quite a lengthy (to me) silence he said, "Oh Lodestar. I hope I didn't hurt you." I still get goosebumps thinking about the risk I took and the gift he gave.
By the way, JRZ, you and your dad are lucky to have each other. I know that road has been difficult at times, but isn't it comforting in some ways to reach this stage of your life together?
Yes, it is. It's been such a pleasant interlude. I mean half of it we're just gossiping like old biddies about why my mom is a nutjob (he always says "well I guess that's why we aren't together") and I have to tell him the same stories over and over again, but we have fun and upbeat conversations these days.
But yeah, like your mother, he's become very complimentary. I think he's living vicariously through some of what I tell him, because he gets very excited about my salary (I think he mostly thinks in terms of 1980s numbers), my responsibilities at work and the events I participate in. Love my dad to death, but I think a lot of it is him telling himself "I made this kid! Go me!"
Love my dad to death, but I think a lot of it is him telling himself "I made this kid! Go me!"
That's so joyful I smiled.
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