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Nope! She is my wife and I know her preferred method of facing challenges.
Okay, I guess I misunderstood your original post when you said you urged her not to "resist" (your word) the siblings' refusal to help. I thought that meant she wanted to push back against that, but you were telling her not to handle it the way she wanted to. Now you're saying she prefers the stress. I was confused.
I don't understand why anyone thinks they have a right to control their siblings' lives. Granted, it would be great if all siblings would/could participate equally in the care of their shared parents.
But I don't have the right to tell my siblings how much they must do and they don't have that right in my life either. Maybe a sibling is not emotionally able to care for a parent in his/her home. Maybe a sibling is not financially able or physically able to contribute much. We can be disappointed when others don't meet our expectations but we can't control other adults or demand things of them, though we can certainly ask nicely.
....but we can't control other adults or demand things of them,....
Ah, but we can....if they let us!
Most people have responded that the OP's decision is not the way to handle his wife's situation. But he's resisted all positions that don't support his. Because he knows his wife -- he believes he knows this road better than those who have already been down this route ahead of him. I believe he's even told one person to kiss a part of his anatomy. So clearly he's not interested in hearing other other opinions. When conversation degrades to that point, I'm out. I've wished him well. That's all I can do.
Most people have responded that the OP's decision is not the way to handle his wife's situation. But he's resisted all positions that don't support his. Because he knows his wife -- he believes he knows this road better than those who have already been down this route ahead of him. I believe he's even told one person to kiss a part of his anatomy. So clearly he's not interested in hearing other other opinions. When conversation degrades to that point, I'm out. I've wished him well. That's all I can do.
You are correct. I degraded this conversation out of frustration. I was wrong. For that, I apologize.
As stated, I will stand behind my wife and be there when she can give no more. She's the type who approaches challenges by giving it her all until she can't. This is how she is. And each time, I've been there to comfort and help her get back together.
I may regret approaching this as I intend to when the time comes. Hopefully, what I know about my wife and her family will bode well for all involved.
Several Posters recommended I grow a "backbone" and confront my wife's family head-on/face-on given their decision to place her mom's total care on my wife and I. Knowing what I felt I knew about her family, head-on confrontation seemed like a last resort option.
I made it clear how I am here to stand behind my wife and give her all my support whensoever she falls apart and can give no more. A great many of you encouraged me to speak up before she falls apart. My response to those of you'se was, "I will be there to pick her up when she can do no more."
As it happened, today, Sunday November 25, 2018, we (i.e., Wife, Her Mom, myself) had planned on visiting a cousin of my wife's. We arrived at her home around 2:40pm. BTW, Her cousin also cares for her aging 82 year old Mother who's mind is as sharp as 20-something year old. The 5 of us were sharing a nice cordial time discussing post Thanksgiving happenings and recipes. During our get-together, my wife received several texts from her local sister. I realized something was abnormal when my wife excused herself and went to another room. Therein - and very unlike my wife - I heard her argue vociferously with her sister. When their argument ended, I asked my wife what was going on. She said her sister was "demanding" we go to her house immediately to "discuss" mom's care arrangement. I told my wife that neither her sister, or I were in "the right frame of mind" to have a meaningful discussion about this. My wife agreed and texted her sister who did not respond.
Twenty minutes later, My SIL, her husband and son arrived at her cousin's house while we were still there. The three of them entered the cousin's house like "gangbusters." Given my wife's refined upbringing, I was astonished at her sister's entrance and what ensued thereafter. My SIL and her husband began to hurl outloud accusations against my wife before her extended family. A line was crossed. A button was pushed. And now, they would have to deal with a side of me they'd never before witnessed.
Yes, I loudly made it clear that there was no way on Earth I would allow them to gang up on my Woman without first dealing with me. I told them how this was no way to resolve this issue given that they'd caught me on the wrong frame of mind; that it was better to ensure we were all in the right frame of mind before "sitting down for a discussion vs an argument" which is was this was turning into. When my BIL said he and his wife were here to talk, I told him he was full of shiet and that it be best if this ended right now. They didn't stop. I got louder and more foul-mouthed, reminding them of their worthless religion and how disgusted I was in all of them. FYI, my BIL has two Martial Arts degrees. Ask me if gave a F_ck.
They have crossed a Fu_king line they may some day wished they'd never crossed.
You absolutely did the right thing. Your SIL and her husband had no business barging in and behaving that way. Shame on them! Now they have made it very difficult to have a good discussion about your difficult situation. THEIR fault, not your's.
Several Posters recommended I grow a "backbone" and confront my wife's family head-on/face-on given their decision to place her mom's total care on my wife and I. Knowing what I felt I knew about her family, head-on confrontation seemed like a last resort option.
I made it clear how I am here to stand behind my wife and give her all my support whensoever she falls apart and can give no more. A great many of you encouraged me to speak up before she falls apart. My response to those of you'se was, "I will be there to pick her up when she can do no more."
As it happened, today, Sunday November 25, 2018, we (i.e., Wife, Her Mom, myself) had planned on visiting a cousin of my wife's. We arrived at her home around 2:40pm. BTW, Her cousin also cares for her aging 82 year old Mother who's mind is as sharp as 20-something year old. The 5 of us were sharing a nice cordial time discussing post Thanksgiving happenings and recipes. During our get-together, my wife received several texts from her local sister. I realized something was abnormal when my wife excused herself and went to another room. Therein - and very unlike my wife - I heard her argue vociferously with her sister. When their argument ended, I asked my wife what was going on. She said her sister was "demanding" we go to her house immediately to "discuss" mom's care arrangement. I told my wife that neither her sister, or I were in "the right frame of mind" to have a meaningful discussion about this. My wife agreed and texted her sister who did not respond.
Twenty minutes later, My SIL, her husband and son arrived at her cousin's house while we were still there. The three of them entered the cousin's house like "gangbusters." Given my wife's refined upbringing, I was astonished at her sister's entrance and what ensued thereafter. My SIL and her husband began to hurl outloud accusations against my wife before her extended family. A line was crossed. A button was pushed. And now, they would have to deal with a side of me they'd never before witnessed.
Yes, I loudly made it clear that there was no way on Earth I would allow them to gang up on my Woman without first dealing with me. I told them how this was no way to resolve this issue given that they'd caught me on the wrong frame of mind; that it was better to ensure we were all in the right frame of mind before "sitting down for a discussion vs an argument" which is was this was turning into. When my BIL said he and his wife were here to talk, I told him he was full of shiet and that it be best if this ended right now. They didn't stop. I got louder and more foul-mouthed, reminding them of their worthless religion and how disgusted I was in all of them. FYI, my BIL has two Martial Arts degrees. Ask me if gave a F_ck.
They have crossed a Fu_king line they may some day wished they'd never crossed.
Yeah. It's like that.
You're not a hero for degrading their religion and implying physical violence. Were you drunk? Is that why you were not in the 'right frame of mind' to behave like a person?
I will continue being as involved as I currently am. That being, I feed and dispense mom's meds when my wife is unable to. I pick up her meds, and engage her in laughter and light conversation when she is lucid. Obviously, there's only so much a SIL can and should do for a MIL.
Huh? Oh well, there is always being foul mouthed and ready to rumble.
You're not a hero for degrading their religion and implying physical violence. Were you drunk? Is that why you were not in the 'right frame of mind' to behave like a person?
Nope. Not drunk. Every man has a limit beyond which he should not be pushed. I was pushed beyond that limit tonight. If I inform you in all earnest I am not in the right frame of mind to "talk," then please, let's find a time and place when we are all of a level head.
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