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Hey guys. I have a quandary that I’m hoping I can get insight on. Yesterday I got a call from my brother saying he had to let our father into his house. Apparently he had locked himself out while taking out the trash. Well turns out he went out through the front door, forgot, and tried to get in through the garage door, thinking he had somehow locked himself out.
I currently live 150 miles from my father. I split custody of my 5 year old daughter with my ex, where we equally have 50/50 custody. I have a decent paying job that provides us with health insurance. Lately I’ve been torn on whether I should move back home to take care of my father, which would mean giving up everything where I live, including custody of my daughter.
Thankfully my brother lives in the same city as our father and has been around to help. I feel that I should be down there too, to help with our father, but, the thought of giving up 50/50 with my daughter holds me back from making that decision. Not to mention losing health insurance for her as well. Also, if I did move down, I would have no way to support myself financially.
Is there a right or wrong answer to my predicament?
It seems like youve got the horse before the cart. I think the first step is to have your father evaluated by his doctor.
There are so many questions. Does your father have enough money to pay for help if it’s needed? Is assisted living an option? What are your brother’s thoughts? Your father’s thoughts?
I’m not sure your giving up your whole life, and putting yourself in a hole professionally, is the first, second or third option I’d consider. How would you support yourself if you had to move there?
Good luck. I know this is scary and thank you for recognizing your brother’s contribution.
I think you and your brother need to formulate a 2-5 year plan in which he eventually settles into a memory care facility. In the meantime you can hire a part time caregiver and get him into a day program.
I assume you and your brother have power of attorney? And your dad has an advanced directive?
Instead of uprooting your life, get your ducks in a row! Start with a geriatric physician.
It seems like youve got the horse before the cart. I think the first step is to have your father evaluated by his doctor.
There are so many questions. Does your father have enough money to pay for help if it’s needed? Is assisted living an option? What are your brother’s thoughts? Your father’s thoughts?
I’m not sure your giving up your whole life, and putting yourself in a hole professionally, is the first, second or third option I’d consider. How would you support yourself if you had to move there?
Good luck. I know this is scary and thank you for recognizing your brother’s contribution.
The thing is, my father denies everything. If I brought up to him his memory issues he would most definitely tell me I’m wrong and if I were to push the issue, he would stop talking to me. We have family friends that tried to tell him his memory was failing and it could be dementia. He stopped talking to them for a pretty long time. Stopped answering the phone when they would call and just avoided them.
I think you and your brother need to formulate a 2-5 year plan in which he eventually settles into a memory care facility. In the meantime you can hire a part time caregiver and get him into a day program.
I assume you and your brother have power of attorney? And your dad has an advanced directive?
Instead of uprooting your life, get your ducks in a row! Start with a geriatric physician.
Oh man, I don’t have any of that. And I definitely don’t have the money to hire a part time caregiver. I make enough to support my daughter and myself. The problem is, my father is very independent and would absolutely fight me and my brother tooth and nail if I were to look into a caregiver or a facility. He’s very proud of the house he built and would never move.
I have known some people to do what you are thinking about. When the parent dies they are homeless and haven’t worked in years. I can’t believe that you would even consider giving up custody of your daughter. It’s a very bad idea.
Get ready for a rough ride. Your father likely already has moderate dementia. You see, if this had happened to you or me, we would have gone and tried every door, before calling for help. He might have something else that would be treatable, but if the man won't go to see a doctor about it, it's irrelevant, since whatever it is isn't going to get treated.
Please realize that your primary obligation is to your child, not your parent. Do the best you can to support your brother who's there, who's gonna get stuck with the brunt of dealing with him. Maybe go there every other weekend to "visit" your father and give your brother a break. But do NOT give up one minute of your 50% time with your daughter, nor your job. Can you imagine if YOU were the child, and Dad told you, "I'm so sorry, but I have to move away to take care of my father. No more time with me, no more child support so expect a significant drop in your standard of living, not to mention the stress this is going to put your mother under, no more health insurance. Sorry, but my declining, stubborn jack--- of a father needs me more than you do, so hopefully I'll be able to see you once in a while, when my brother can watch him."
If your father were in his right mind, he would tell you never to even THINK of doing this, because of your responsibility to your child. Not to mention that he probably doesn't want you there, even in his currently demented state of mind.
And yes, it's going to get a LOT worse before the end, since he is utterly, completely resistant to the idea that he could possibly be developing dementia.
When you go to visit him, have him drive you around, all the time, so that you can evaluate his driving. If it gets to the point that he's dangerous (and he will be, BEFORE you realize it), you have a moral obligation to report him anonymously to the DMV, so that they will pull his license BEFORE he kills someone.
Last edited by parentologist; 07-17-2020 at 11:36 AM..
I have known some people to do what you are thinking about. When the parent dies they are homeless and haven’t worked in years. I can’t believe that you would even consider giving up custody of your daughter. It’s a very bad idea.
I am just trying to think of a solution. And no, I would never give up my daughter. I just don’t know what to do.
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