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I always laugh when I hear that. There is a tremendous, tremendous difference between a healthy, young person in their 20s or 30s changing the diaper of an eight pound infant or a twenty pound toddler and an older adult in their 50s or 60s changing the diaper of a one hundred and fifty or two hundred pound elderly adult.
I remember when my late mother was bedridden, with severe rheumatoid arthritis. She would be in excruciating pain whenever she was moved. Also, she was totally cognitively aware and was extremely embarrassed when her adult children, especially her adult sons had to change her diapers and clean her private areas. And, of course, eventually the young child is toilet trained so it is only a couple of years of diapers but for an incontinent adult, it never gets better.
Yes, of COURSE! It's a ridiculous statement usually made by people who haven't actually done adult caregiving.
I always laugh when I hear that. There is a tremendous, tremendous difference between a healthy, young person in their 20s or 30s changing the diaper of an eight pound infant or a twenty pound toddler and an older adult in their 50s or 60s changing the diaper of a one hundred and fifty or two hundred pound elderly adult.
I remember when my late mother was bedridden, with severe rheumatoid arthritis. She would be in excruciating pain whenever she was moved. Also, she was totally cognitively aware and was extremely embarrassed when her adult children, especially her adult sons had to change her diapers and clean her private areas. And, of course, eventually the young child is toilet trained so it is only a couple of years of diapers but for an incontinent adult, it never gets better.
Seriously. When my mom first came home from the rehab after being in the hospital/rehab for 6 months, my sister and I were there for the first couple of weeks until we found a caregiver. At one point she was unable to even toilet herself or even move herself to and from the wheelchair. My mom had lost some weight but even then she was around 160 pounds of dead weight. We were exhausted after one day with her. Many people don’t have a clue what this sort of care requires. Add to that a difficult personality and you have a nightmare. I would never EVER suggest that anyone other than a professional- that knows how to handle the specific needs of the patient, be doing this. We were simply not able to do it. I thought we were going to lose our minds at one point.
Seriously. When my mom first came home from the rehab after being in the hospital/rehab for 6 months, my sister and I were there for the first couple of weeks until we found a caregiver. At one point she was unable to even toilet herself or even move herself to and from the wheelchair. My mom had lost some weight but even then she was around 160 pounds of dead weight. We were exhausted after one day with her. Many people don’t have a clue what this sort of care requires. Add to that a difficult personality and you have a nightmare. I would never EVER suggest that anyone other than a professional- that knows how to handle the specific needs of the patient, be doing this. We were simply not able to do it. I thought we were going to lose our minds at one point.
I don't think many people realize the training health aides go through either. Lifting or moving someone is a sensitive issue for the infirm. They have a great deal of pain and sensitivity from injuries/ailments so touching them in some areas may cause them great pain. Training may help alleviate some of these issues. Then there's medications and drug interactions. It's like an endless list.
Seeing how Hospice took care of my grandmother and grandfather-in-law was drastically different than the care they received at home. At home, it was family members trying to take care of them. There are some things my mother won't discuss and make her physically upset about issues my grandmother had. She was one of her caregivers for the last 3 months of her life. It's been several years since we lost her and I can still see the toll it took on my mother. And my grandmother could still walk! But she needed a lot of support. I can't imagine how much more difficult it would have been if she was unable to walk.
Welp, my sister's husband was all set to take my brother to the doctor to get the ball rolling on what exactly is going on with him, aaaaaand then he refused to go and they got into a fight!
Apparently my brother started yelling saying there is nothing wrong with him and he's perfectly fine! Sis's hubs reminded him that he had called them last week acknowledging he needed help, and he denies ever calling. Because he doesn't remember. Which is exactly the point.
Poor sis's hubs! He went down the list of all the crazy stuff my brother has gotten himself into lately and he's waving it off like it's no big deal. So my sis and her husband is already done with him, and I don't blame them one bit! They need to take care of themselves!
My brother is going to have to deal with things on his own because at this point, no one has conservatorship or POA and seniors do have rights so that relatives or others can't just sweep in and take over their lives. I get it. I'm just nervous about what it's going to take, when the time comes.
Sis's hubs has been sort of helping him by reminding him of stuff he has to do, but he says at this point, he's just enabling him so he's going to have a hand's off approach. I think it's the only thing to do at this point. If my brother finds himself in a mess, maybe he'll accept help.
In the meantime... running parallel to all of this stress, my husband lost his dad to cancer last week. My husband is from England, and the whole family is there, and I told him if he needs to hop on a plane and go he should, but this pandemic thing really making things tough. My DH would need to isolate for 10 days on arrival etc. and the family is not pressuring him to do that. We'll be having an online memorial. Just so grateful we were able to speak with his dad, (who was the best!!) and tell each other we loved him before he became delirious and unable to communicate.
I sure do appreciate everyone's input here! It's been very helpful. I know some of you have really been though the wars!
To clarify, there's no way I would try to do actual caretaking if he became physically ill, incontinent, unable to walk etc. Way beyond what I'd be able or willing to do. My thoughts were more of being close by to assist with tasks, driving, cooking and general hanging out with him stuff. When he's relaxed, and in his comfort zone, he's actually ok and my husband and I have no issues with many of his eccentricities. But it doesn't make sense to pick up everything and move there as he's becoming more irrational and nasty. He might skate along like this for a long time, or he could end up in a facility due to an eventual crisis before the year is out. We're planning on taking trips down there more often... while Redding is not the most attractive place to move to, it's still one of our favorite vacation spots. I'll be floating in Whiskeytown Lake this summer for sure!
I think too in the back of my mind was the thought of being closer to family. There is definitely a pull there. I had mentioned not only my brother and sister were in Redding, but my son and his girlfriend was only a few hours away in Sacramento.
We moved here to Vancouver just when the pandemic lockdowns were underway, and while I'm pretty introverted and hubby and I get along great, (even while he's working from home in the tiny one bedroom apartment we rented! Lol!) it IS an unfamiliar place and we've not had much opportunity to meet people or participate in anything social. The one neighbor we have chatted with outside on many occasions is moving out of Washington next month. I'm in touch with my best friend, and others down in So. Cal but sometimes miss them. So it's not like we'd be moving away from everything we know, BUT we do really love this area in general and after the pandemic will have the opportunity to make new connections.
So for now, we've signed a new lease, and if the "defecation hits the oscillation", we'll go down there to sort stuff out and handle what we can remotely from here. At least that's the plan for now.
As a former social worker he will have to get pretty bad before elder protection can get involved. Adults have the right to live unsafe.
Absolutely, and I would agree. There are people who would take advantage. I do fear for his safety, but there is only so much one can insist on. I know he has expressed his desire to stay in his house for as long as possible. I think it's going to take something that shakes him up enough for him to concede while he still has enough faculties to make choice.
Welp, my sister's husband was all set to take my brother to the doctor to get the ball rolling on what exactly is going on with him, aaaaaand then he refused to go and they got into a fight!
Apparently my brother started yelling saying there is nothing wrong with him and he's perfectly fine! Sis's hubs reminded him that he had called them last week acknowledging he needed help, and he denies ever calling. Because he doesn't remember. Which is exactly the point.
Poor sis's hubs! He went down the list of all the crazy stuff my brother has gotten himself into lately and he's waving it off like it's no big deal. So my sis and her husband is already done with him, and I don't blame them one bit! They need to take care of themselves!
My brother is going to have to deal with things on his own because at this point, no one has conservatorship or POA and seniors do have rights so that relatives or others can't just sweep in and take over their lives. I get it. I'm just nervous about what it's going to take, when the time comes.
Sis's hubs has been sort of helping him by reminding him of stuff he has to do, but he says at this point, he's just enabling him so he's going to have a hand's off approach. I think it's the only thing to do at this point. If my brother finds himself in a mess, maybe he'll accept help.
In the meantime... running parallel to all of this stress, my husband lost his dad to cancer last week. My husband is from England, and the whole family is there, and I told him if he needs to hop on a plane and go he should, but this pandemic thing really making things tough. My DH would need to isolate for 10 days on arrival etc. and the family is not pressuring him to do that. We'll be having an online memorial. Just so grateful we were able to speak with his dad, (who was the best!!) and tell each other we loved him before he became delirious and unable to communicate.
I sure do appreciate everyone's input here! It's been very helpful. I know some of you have really been though the wars!
To clarify, there's no way I would try to do actual caretaking if he became physically ill, incontinent, unable to walk etc. Way beyond what I'd be able or willing to do. My thoughts were more of being close by to assist with tasks, driving, cooking and general hanging out with him stuff. When he's relaxed, and in his comfort zone, he's actually ok and my husband and I have no issues with many of his eccentricities. But it doesn't make sense to pick up everything and move there as he's becoming more irrational and nasty. He might skate along like this for a long time, or he could end up in a facility due to an eventual crisis before the year is out. We're planning on taking trips down there more often... while Redding is not the most attractive place to move to, it's still one of our favorite vacation spots. I'll be floating in Whiskeytown Lake this summer for sure!
I think too in the back of my mind was the thought of being closer to family. There is definitely a pull there. I had mentioned not only my brother and sister were in Redding, but my son and his girlfriend was only a few hours away in Sacramento.
We moved here to Vancouver just when the pandemic lockdowns were underway, and while I'm pretty introverted and hubby and I get along great, (even while he's working from home in the tiny one bedroom apartment we rented! Lol!) it IS an unfamiliar place and we've not had much opportunity to meet people or participate in anything social. The one neighbor we have chatted with outside on many occasions is moving out of Washington next month. I'm in touch with my best friend, and others down in So. Cal but sometimes miss them. So it's not like we'd be moving away from everything we know, BUT we do really love this area in general and after the pandemic will have the opportunity to make new connections.
So for now, we've signed a new lease, and if the "defecation hits the oscillation", we'll go down there to sort stuff out and handle what we can remotely from here. At least that's the plan for now.
Thanks again!
I'm so sorry for the loss of your FIL. My MIL passed in September, we couldn't see her one last time before she passed. Thankfully for video calls...
Your BIL is the one I'm most worried about. He has his hands full with your sisters decline. Throwing your brother on top of it is a lot for one person.
My biggest suggestion is see if your brothers state has an anonymous reporting to DMV to get that license pulled before he hurts someone. My elderly neighbor totaled 3 cars before another neighbor turned him in. NJ took his license away. He failed the test twice and was on his last shot when he passed away. Unfortunately I had moved an hour away. I tried getting him help with his social worker when he fell, I told them he was getting dementia but they let him go back home. We were looking into a VA hospital down the street from me when he did pass.
Take the VA paperwork and fill it out for your brother. Sounds like he needs it pretty soon. It very well could take a while to even get him into there. This can't all fall on your BIL to do. Hopefully there is more family that will also be willing to pitch in to your brother. Someone also may want to touch base with his VA doctor to see what can be done to fast track him to the VA home. He very well could burn his home down. My neighbor OD'd on blood thinners. He woke up with blood pouring out of every opening in his body. Even that wasn't enough for the hospital social worker to step in. He was similar to your brother, he only had one elderly niece who didn't want to do anything extra except run to the hospital when he was brought in. He lived with me a little over a month after a fall because the niece refused to take him.
Yes getting his driver’s license pulled is a priority as Rosenberg mentioned. It’s very difficult to get someone declared incompetent as it should be so he will have to get much worse in order to force him to do anything. People tend to want others to be safe even if it makes them miserable. They get mad at social workers for not taking action but they must follow the law. Many people would rather remain in their homes even if it leads to a earlier demise. It’s easier to let people live unsafe if their mind is fine and physical issues are the problem. These are tough, sad situations.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your FIL. My MIL passed in September, we couldn't see her one last time before she passed. Thankfully for video calls...
Your BIL is the one I'm most worried about. He has his hands full with your sisters decline. Throwing your brother on top of it is a lot for one person.
My biggest suggestion is see if your brothers state has an anonymous reporting to DMV to get that license pulled before he hurts someone. My elderly neighbor totaled 3 cars before another neighbor turned him in. NJ took his license away. He failed the test twice and was on his last shot when he passed away. Unfortunately I had moved an hour away. I tried getting him help with his social worker when he fell, I told them he was getting dementia but they let him go back home. We were looking into a VA hospital down the street from me when he did pass.
Take the VA paperwork and fill it out for your brother. Sounds like he needs it pretty soon. It very well could take a while to even get him into there. This can't all fall on your BIL to do. Hopefully there is more family that will also be willing to pitch in to your brother. Someone also may want to touch base with his VA doctor to see what can be done to fast track him to the VA home. He very well could burn his home down. My neighbor OD'd on blood thinners. He woke up with blood pouring out of every opening in his body. Even that wasn't enough for the hospital social worker to step in. He was similar to your brother, he only had one elderly niece who didn't want to do anything extra except run to the hospital when he was brought in. He lived with me a little over a month after a fall because the niece refused to take him.
Totally agree. I told BIL to take care of himself and my sis first! If my brother wasn't such a stubborn old crazy goat, it would be manageable.
Kind of sad for them too, because they moved up there 2 years ago thinking they'd be hanging out and fishing with him on my bro's boat like they used to.
And yes, I brought the admissions packet home with me. I would need to persuade my brother to help fill it out because I have absolutely no information on him (service records etc.) other than the basic contact info. He's being extremely stubborn and has ALWAYS been very private, not just with me, his "baby" sis who's 23 years younger, but my older sister too who he'd always been especially close to.
Interesting tip about the anonymously reporting to the DMV about his dementia. Wow! Might need to do that if possible. Of course this would pretty much leave him stranded at his property that is about 5 miles from town. There's no way he'd figure out how to use Uber, maybe a taxi, but he always forgets to charge his phone, so I can see that wouldn't work very well. Oh well, better that, than him hurting himself and/or hurting others especially!
Sigh... this is one of the main reasons my husband and I were considering moving down there, but I've been duly warned by the consensus here that it would be a very bad idea. I have little experience with all this, so I'm taking heed of the wisdom here to handle things remotely with occasional trips down there.
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Update! :)
