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If there is already a thread on this topic, I apologize for starting a new one. Please direct me to it. Otherwise, I'm looking to find others who are also caring for an elderly parent. My mother's 94th birthday was in May. She's been living on our property since she was a healthy 70-something and been living in our home for almost 5 years now. She had been fairly independent until she fell in November, injuries from which put her in the hospital for a week and rehabilitative care from which she came home in a month because she was declining instead of improving (didn't like the food). Without going into any further detail, I'm hoping for a discussion/suggestions on dealing with day-to-day issues and dealing with caregiver issues (my husband & mine) as well.
I can relate. My mom moved in about 2.5 yrs ago and life hasn't been the same. I love her to pieces but I can tell you she sure knows how to control things even though she would be horrified to think that she was "a burden". Her TV habits aren't like ours and we have to be careful about what's on. If there's a movie I want to watch I usually have to wait til she goes to bed or watch it in the bedroom. The other siblings are quite far away so I know it's pretty much up to me to take care of her, but you would think that there would be more support from them. There's a lot more to this but I think you probably know. I know someday I will probably be in the same situation but I will be my mom and one of my kids will be me. Life is a short trip and we need to find happiness in the day to day. I am thankful that my mom is till somewhat active. She works at a Christian camp every summer running the office. She's 85.
She really is an amazing woman. All I want to do is to make her as comfortable as I can for as long as I can. She has had a hard life and I want her last years to be less difficult.
Her reward awaits her.
I see you've dealt with a lot. I haven't read the entire post yet, but have bookmarked it. Need to get to work.
In the last couple of years, mom was given a cholesterol medicine instead of atenolol by the pharmacy, in a bottle saying it was atenolol. And during one hospital visit, they'd moved her to another room and I was given dire news about her lung condtion which apparently belonged to the patient who had been there before. (I had called for information as to when she was coming home. Nurse said, not today.... )
Took me months to get her off a medication that was making her itch. Now the itching is back without that medication.
I can relate. My mom moved in about 2.5 yrs ago and life hasn't been the same. I love her to pieces but I can tell you she sure knows how to control things even though she would be horrified to think that she was "a burden". Her TV habits aren't like ours and we have to be careful about what's on. If there's a movie I want to watch I usually have to wait til she goes to bed or watch it in the bedroom. The other siblings are quite far away so I know it's pretty much up to me to take care of her, but you would think that there would be more support from them. There's a lot more to this but I think you probably know. I know someday I will probably be in the same situation but I will be my mom and one of my kids will be me. Life is a short trip and we need to find happiness in the day to day. I am thankful that my mom is till somewhat active. She works at a Christian camp every summer running the office. She's 85.
She really is an amazing woman. All I want to do is to make her as comfortable as I can for as long as I can. She has had a hard life and I want her last years to be less difficult.
Her reward awaits her.
How wonderful that she is so active, still. It's good that she is so busy.
When Mom moved in with us, we were adding on to our house and building a garage with space over it. We'd given Mom the choice of having an apartment on the main floor or over the garage. She chose over the garage, so she had her own living space with her own TV, kitchen, etc. Now that she's in the home with us (we have moved), she has her own TV in her room, own kitchen area and bathroom. She no longer uses the kitchen area and rarely leaves her room since her fall. But long before that, air temperature was our biggest issue. She'd prefer it at 80 while I can barely tolerate 75 and prefer below 70.
First be greatful for your longevity genes. 2nd, make sure you engage in healthy behaviors so you will have a quality life in your later years. Exercising, healthy eating, attitude, etc may not guarantee you live longer but will certainly improve the quality of your life and perhaps cause you to be less of a burden on your caregivers.
Realize ma has information that will no longer be available when she is gone. Talk to her, ask her questions about how life was when she was a child, engage her.......distract her. Try to give her a purpose. I know they can be set in their ways and dynamite won't chnage them. Ma always liked visits from my coonhound. She really lit up when the dog licked her and when she got to touch and pet the dog. Putting her in charge of watching the pumpkin grow also helped. I considered where she liked to sit and actually moved the garden in the form of a 4' raised bed so she could see it. Had lots of flowers, the obligatory beefsteak and cherry tomato plants and of course the giant pumpkin that would escape the 'square' and run across the yard. I imagine in some circumstances how a sedentary person might identify with that 'free roaming' pumpkin.
Unfortunately some folks get paranoid and defensive and drive caring people away. Many end up with 'dementia like' symptoms and can be overwhelming for a caregiver. Be greatful if this is not your situation.
Sometimes, when I would leave ma's house, getting home late, I might turn up the car radio to the highest volume as a distraction to thinking. Sometimes I would go for a 3 mile run/jog and feel like I was flying.
Ma treated me and sis differently. She played my sister like a fiddle and it drove my sister nuts as she bent to ma's every whim, no matter how goofy it seemed. She wouldn't dare do that with me. So be aware of those personality traps.
The hardest thing to lose is your independence. Many of the requests/demands/desires have to do with validating that your parent still has control. Realize this and pay homage but don't overpay.
While falling is to be dreaded, not moving is a pasive way to acheive the same end. Over medication or an individuals reaction to a drug has to be carefully monitored. Nothing like drugs "to save the village by burning the village".
Many meds have off label uses. When meds are submitted for approval to the FDA, it is only for the indications listed in the submission. If some other company finds a different use for your product they can file a 'use patent'. bottom line is the company cannot advertise or market their product for indications not in their approval package. Doctors can, however, prescribe a cholesterol med for some other indication not in the drugs package insert. Typically there will be references in the scientific literature about off label use. just something to be aware of.
Symptoms like itching.....
Some drugs may cause delayed allergic reactions like sulfa drugs. Stress can be a cause. Location of the itching can be diagnostic. Seasonal relationship? Diet, detergent or environmental changes? Symptoms of another pathology not yet diagnosed? Itching occurs everywhere or just one side/spot. Pattern on the skin? Tons of reasons why itching may occur that may not be drug related although it may appear to be related.
Dry skin because of high room temp and dehydration?
Dehydration is also another major concern. Folks don't drink because it will make you want to pee. Means you have to get up and walk to the bathroom and maybe fall or it might mean you have to have someone change your diaper. Dehydration can have an effect on all body systems and drugs. It will sap your energy and help to ensure inactivity which will promote falling when you do get up.
First take care of yourself so you can continue to care for your mom. Like canoeing in a strong wind, close your eyes take a deep breath and let the wind pass through your body. Become invisible to the wind. Don't grunt and grimace as this simply saps your strength. Everything in nature is neutral, you assign an emotional value to it. See past the behaviors presented, try not to react to them. Try to look into the other person's heart. Good to do for everyone you come in contact with. Put yourself in ma's place to understand how you might react in the same situation. Tough to switch roles after a lifetime of rehersing your part in the relationship.
Excellent post, Kracer. I still do "long distance" caregiving to my mother. Even though I am the most proactive sibling of three of us remaining, my mother still has trust issues with me. She sends away most care services except the minimum. She lives in an unrealistic belief that she can "clean up" her house enough to allow a live-in caregiver(not liely because of her severe cluttering issues).
I finally got her to renew her will with a health proxy, but she bargained me into a position to "never put her in a nursing home" as part of my duties. I have to weigh issues of her safety against her desires, so I am still committed to trying to help her maintain independence. She is 86 years old and frail. I respect that she has the right to want her home and familiar sentimental items around her, so I do damage control when I visit to eliminate as many hazards, potential disease causes, etc.
Even though my efforts are less these days due to my own minimized resources and finances I still struggle with the emotional drain they cause.
Do try to gain allies in as many private and public elder services available to you(many are modified by recent budget cuts) like subsidies for Life Alert, laundry, meal, and cleaning services. One must remember that it's by personal resilience and the grace of God that someone lives so long these days, so sometimes the best you can do for someone is just to afford them a loving, listening ear and companionship. Don't neglect yourself along the way.
I went to Radio Shack and purchased a $10 transmitter and receiver. Plugged a stobe light in the reciever and placed it in a window facing a neighbor's house, with the neighbor's agrrement. Ma carried the transmitter and if she fell she pressed the button which flashed the stobe light. Worked for a while, have to consider size and placement of buttons and dexterity of patient to reach and push the button. A big part of this was convincing ma if she pushed the button she would not be 'bothering' the neighbor.
I would imagine a zero gravity room from the space program would be a great business to market to the elderly in danger of falling. Also imagined rails on the ceiling like in a meat wharehouse where ma could wear a harness and hook herself up to glide across the room to the bathroom without concern for falling.
Loose carpets, high floor and carpet trim, are some issues that need attention. Replaced floor trim with flat aluminum stock to prevent tripping. Added fuel hose to the rods on the window blinds to add extentions so ma would not have to 'lean' so far to operate the blinds. She had to operate the blinds!
Left prepared food in individual dishes so all she had to do was microwave her food.
Worked out 'dance' routines for getting up out of chairs. This is where some of the meds had a detrimental impact. Like night and day in some situations.
Told her I was getting her an 'electric chair'. Got some subsidy to get her a remote controlled lift chair which of course she vehemently didn't want us to get. It became her salvation and she preferred it to a real bed most of the time.
Sawed the legs off the bed to lower it for easier access. Got a 'lazy susan' disc to place on the car seat so she could swivel into position when we took her to the doctors. Made all sort of modifications to her walker so she could carry multiple items without leaving her walker.
Another biggy is to make sure her feet are cared for. If she has foot pain from overgrown nails, etc she will be even more unstable. shoe style and fit is a concern.
Tired to get her to exercise while in her chair or bed. Tough to do when someone wants to cash it in but isn't quite ready.
Ma had her faculties and was real sharp mentally. the day she was singing kareoke with the angels was the day I began to look for a stash of cookies or candy because her blood sugar must been off the chart. Maybe it was her hearing aid or some auditory hallucination due to meds. turned out it was indeed angels. she asked if I heard the singing coming from the spare room. I'm thinking she had a stroke! she said the agels were there to take her away. My dad also appeared in a dream and asked her to go with him a month before. she said she wasn't ready. Ma died in her sleep on my neice's birthday after hearing the angels singing for 2 weeks. While we deal with science and practical issues be prepared for witnessing miraculous and spiritual things and unusual coincidences.
Roles get reversed in life, don't they?
Put yourself in ma's place to understand how you might react in the same situation. Tough to switch roles after a lifetime of rehersing your part in the relationship.
Wow! I'm printing your post and posting it by my mirror! That is a keeper. Thank you SOOOOOO much!! This is a real help to me right now.
I'm disappointed that my thread was moved as I really did want it in the Maine forum. Oh well. I suppose it isn't specifically about Maine, except that growing old is also part of life in Maine.
Thank you to all who have replied. I have not had the opportunity to reply to each one.
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been there
