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A few days ago we lost our sweet cat. He was our wonderful friend for 10 good years. I am grieving in a way that is new to me. I've lost humans, and I've lost other pets before, but I've never responded to the death of a loved one like I am to this loss. There was a special bond I had with this sweet cat, and I am having such a hard time with losing him. My emotions are all over the place, there is a tightness and pain in my chest, my stomach is all in knots. Whenever I see something that reminds me of him - one of his favorite spots to nap, a place he liked to scratch, one of his favorite toys, etc. - I cannot control my emotions and I just cry and cry. Today is actually getting better. The last three days were really very bad.
I thought I would start a conversation here where we can talk about how we deal with losing our friends. What things have you done or do you do when you lose a pet?
I went through our photos and gathered my favorite photos of him. I put some in a photo album and wrote down his story, along with specifics of his personality and all his little quirks. I don't ever want to forget anything about him.
I put some of his photos on our fridge. I also put his photo on my phone as wallpaper, so whenever I unlock my phone I see him.
The towel he was wrapped in when he died, it's too hard to wash it. When the wave of emotions hit I put my hand on the towel, it was the last thing he touched.
I also have not been able to wash the comforter on our bed. That was where he was sitting when I had to pick him up to put him into the cat carrier to take him to the vet. I find comfort in putting my hand where he was last sitting.
We have one other pet in our home, another cat. I know he is grieving the loss of his friend, to. So we've been spending a lot of time with him. Combing him and cuddling him. He doesn't seem to understand why his friend isn't around, and he goes looking for him and meows at us. He has hopped up into the windows a few times and cried out, I think maybe he thinks his friend is outside somewhere. It's really sad.
I'd like to hear from others how you make this transition, what you do to find comfort, and how you honor your friends memory? Also how to comfort the pets in your home who are also struggling with the loss.
I'm all for the creation of an album of photos and other mementos, but not so sure about putting pics on the fridge and phone. The idea is to honor the cat on one hand while not keeping him so much in the present on the other - get what I mean? When my "Weasie" - who lived into her twentieth year - passed, I did eventually put a pic of her and her brother (who had vanished early in life) on display. It's framed with a poem about never being separated from those we love because they'll live forever in our hearts. I hope everybody sees the distinction between that and having the cat's image show up every time a phone's switched on or whenever someone walks into the kitchen. But if it's a source of comfort in the short term I don't perceive anything "wrong" with it. Maybe the immediacy of the cat's passing means that the "reminders" are a good thing for a while before they're removed from regular sight.
As mentioned above, Weasie's brother disappeared from our home early on. I was able to maintain denial because he was never found. But his sister (in that mysterious way of cats) realized after a couple of days that he'd not be returning. She spent 2-3 weeks alternating between bouts of mournful wailing and periods of sulking, then one evening she shook off her grief and got on with life. Just like a depressed person, she ate only fitfully and showed no interest in treats or toys. I took a page from the ways that are best for a bereft human to be treated - let her know I shared her loss, though not in the same way as she, and gave her the space she needed while also doing some physical comforting. Of course we didn't speak the same language, but apparently my tone of voice took care of that.
From what I've heard, bonded cats who aren't blood relatives lack the instincts that Weasie demonstrated, and frankly I don't know how to work around that. Does a feline whose unrelated companion dies out of their sight eventually assume this, or is the assumption always that the other cat "ran away"? Was the deceased cat, cremated or not, brought home for burial? As far as I know that's the only way to get the sad message across.
My condolences. I continue to miss Weasie, at certain times of year in particular, even though she's been gone four years as of next January 14th. "Moving on" and "recovering" are two different things. Certain losses in life are never completely recovered from, but the pain lessens and the nostalgia stays sweet.
In July 2014, we lost our beloved Tucker to lung cancer. While I've lost other pets, Tucker was a very special cat who I had a strong bond with (and with my husband too).
First and most important, IGNORE those who don't understand. People who don't love pets won't and can't understand the loss and may unintentionally say things that are unkind.
You might consider "paying it forward" with a donation to a cat organization. Several friends gave memorials to organizations and it meant to much to me--his life may help another cat.
One thing I've learned is that you NEED to work through the grief, in whatever way you can. I know a few people who lost cats around the same time as us, and who blogged. As the year went on, I had to stop reading their painful posts. They were stuck in the past and not letting themselves move forward. IMHO that's unhealthy.
I'm glad you're able to take comfort in those things. His blanket, the carrier, the images. In truth, my beloved little man will be gone this November 3yrs now; and rarely a day goes by I don't think sadly on him still. I'd have to say there are only two things that have helped even the slightest. 1-Since about a month after, I started wearing this beautifully hand crafted necklace urn for cat owners. It's small, and has tiny paw prints on it and have lacquer covering, and his name engraved upon it. Whenever I think on him, I kiss it. To me, it lets me have something to focus on when wanting to say Hello to him.
It also lets me think that he can know I'm missing him and thinking on him.
The other thing, was in taking in the last outside boy kitty. The lost one (through wet FIP), was an outside cat that literally wandered in from outside. The last boy I just brought in, he was a semi-feral cat. He's come a LONG way, and now allows everyone in my family to love on him. Even is starting to get frisky and playing with us. Play biting, wrapping his front paws around us. It's so dang cute. He's helped me heal some, and he's just been with us for maybe 3 months. Inside anyhow. Of course, every time I love on him, parts of me feel guilty. I kiss my necklace every time I play with him and adore on him. Because part of me feels so sad in thinking about my lost baby boy. He was about 4yrs old, and I'd only had him a few years. But the bond I made with him, was as you said with yours, even in our short time. It took me weeks to stop crying regularly. In truth, about 3 months before I could go more than a day or two without crying. It was a bad time for me. I rarely cry about him now, but I still think both fondly and sadly on him. He was the sweetest, most gentle, and loving cat I have ever had. And I'm 42. I've had cats in my life and family since I was about 4yrs old. I know I will never forget him, and hope one day again, I will see him.
Good luck in your healing.
I'm very sorry for your loss, and the only thing I know how to deal with these things is to grieve and let time try to heal the wounds.
My mother lost her dear cat earlier this year, around March.
The cat was originally mine's, but I gave it to my mom 8 years ago as I thought it would be nice to keep her company as she lives alone.
The loss was very hard on my mom, and she told me she felt more sad losing the cat than she did losing dad. The cat was her best friend and she would talk to it all the time and sleep with it and care for it like a child.
She seems to be doing better but some days she still feels the loss. So I think only time can help sometimes.
I'm sorry for your loss. Just give it time. I know it doesn't feel like it, but it will get easier.
Last year, we adopted a cat and had him for all of about a month before he lost his appetite, yet his belly seemed bloated. He had FIP and we had to put him down a couple weeks later. It was agony because he was only a year old, and had been with us just long enough for us to fall in love with him, before he was snatched away from us. I am getting choked up just typing about it.
The first week was the hardest. I cried everyday, multiple times a day. Like you, I was very taken aback at the depth of my grief. I think it was because all my pets in the past had lived long, happy lives and while it hurt to lose them, my grief was lessened by knowing it was just their time to go. But this had felt SO unfair, not only for me but for the cat too. He was so young, and had been through so much, having broken a hip, had surgery, had to recover in the shelter - and he was such a sweet cat, he didn't deserve any of it. There was also a surprising amount of guilt. I felt like I failed him even though I knew there was nothing I could do.
After the first week, it still hurt but I was able to not cry every single day. I still cried, but it was less frequent. Months later, I rarely cried anymore - but whenever I would think about getting another cat, or looked at the shelter website, I would get upset and feel like it was wrong.
It took almost a whole year to be ready to get a new cat.
It will happen gradually but it will get better - in the mean time, allow yourself to grieve. It hurts but avoiding it will only prolong it. Grieving is a process, and you have to just let it take it's course. You say it's only been a few days so you are still in that "raw grief" stage where it just seems to hurt ALL the time.
Things that helped me get through it: talking with my husband about it. First, it hurt a lot and we mostly talked about our grief, how much we missed him, how unfair it was, etc. But in time, we talked and laughed about how cute he was, how much he made us laugh, etc. I also talked with my mom about it - sadly, she didn't get a chance to meet him before he died, but it meant she was a good, non-emotional person I could talk to. She was empathetic without getting upset herself. I also had prints made of some of the pictures I'd taken of him and we got them framed and hung on our wall. That felt good, to honor his memory.
It was also really, really nice to receive from our vet not only a condolence card but a message saying that had a tree planted in our cat's name. Our vet is amazing and wonderful so of course we went back there with our new cat.
goyguy - My condolences for the loss of your Weasie and her brother. So heartbreaking. And yes I think you are on to something with regard to the tone you use and how the other animals in the home feel that. As far as burial, our boy is having a private cremation and his remains will be returned to us. I am trying to decide how to honor his lifelong dream of being an outdoor kitty (we never let them go outside, and I now have some regrets about this even though at the time I felt it was the better option for his own health and safety). I do not want to bury his ashes because we may sell this home someday and I do not want to leave his ashes behind if we should ever move.
Rene - R.I.P. your Tucker. And yes I just try to ignore people who don't "get it". I tried to tell someone the other day that we had lost our cat and that we were grieving, and they sort of looked at me like "grow up lady... it's just a cat..." and I just had to focus on breathing and trying not to cry and understand that not everyone "gets it". Thank you also for the book recommendation and other suggestions/ideas. I am also trying to not allow myself to get stuck. My husband and children seem to be moving forward a little bit easier than I am, so I am trying to be aware of where I'm at and trying not to be too sentimental or stuck on things. I will wash my comforter today, it's the last thing I have now that he touched or napped on that I have not washed yet.
TyBruce - I'm sorry for your loss. Your necklace is my phone. What I mean is, you mentioned that you kiss your necklace - when I miss my boy I kiss my phone. I know it may seem weird, but it comforts me. I see his sweet face, tell him I love him, kiss him, and then I go about my day.
Suburban Guy - Time really is helping, you're right about that.
PA2UK - Such a sad story, I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing and thank you for the kind support.
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