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Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down.
You will have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests.
What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains ."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count' St. Peter?" "
No I told you the computer's down, There's no way we can keep track of what you are doing."
In that case" says the second priest, I've always wanted to be a stud.
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
"Will you have any trouble locating them? he asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter,
"He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles.
But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
Location: Oklahoma(formerly SoCalif) Originally Mich,
13,387 posts, read 19,437,818 times
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A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel
schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on
Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so
he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out
one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a massive heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives
and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: February 16, 2010
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and
have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as
uneventful as mine was.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Judy............Judy"
"Is that you, George?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and
then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp
around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no
place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The
Good Die Young.
=============================
In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And
the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace
wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon me
for not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went
out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,
Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket,
Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing
on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent.
Until I know which way you went.
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.
He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy ; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs’.
'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us’.
'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin’.
'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won. 'I haven't a clue' the rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger’.
'Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.'
'And then what?' asked a woman.
'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.
Location: Oklahoma(formerly SoCalif) Originally Mich,
13,387 posts, read 19,437,818 times
Reputation: 4611
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.'
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy Cow!" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if
he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead right in the middle of my lesson!"
Location: Oklahoma(formerly SoCalif) Originally Mich,
13,387 posts, read 19,437,818 times
Reputation: 4611
Not necessarily christian..just funny
Daddy, Where Did I Come From
This is life in the Internet Cyber World we live in...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy,
how was I born ?'
The father answers,
'Well, son, I guess one day
you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and
I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via E-mail with your Mom
and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into
a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from
my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload,
we discovered that neither one of us had used a
firewall, and since it was too late to hit the
delete button , nine months later a little
Pop-Up appeared
A priest and Hindu are making toast when the priest exclaims, " look my margarine looks like Jesus.
To which the Hindu replies, " I can't believe its not Buddha"
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Not necessarily christian..just funny
