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My son is a freshman in Jr. College. He has never been a good student. He is smart when he applies himself but is also extremely lazy. He is in Jr. College because of this. At first his plan was to transfer out of Jr. College asap and go to a four year college. Liberal Arts. This week he has been making those noises parents don't want to hear such as "can you get rich without a college degree" and if he doesn't want to go to college, we should support that decision. He says he's not dropping out, yet the subject keeps coming up. He went to talk to his favorite teacher at his high school today for advice. Again, I said if you are not planning on dropping out, why are you talking to your teacher about it? He doesn't think he can with us because we want him to keep trying. He has a part time job as well. I could use some advice especially from those that have gone through a similar experience either as a student or as a parent of a kid considering dropping out. Today's idea was to be a business owner of a plumbing company. He says he will change his major to Business now. I just need to know how to talk to him about this without threats. I will not kick him out for this so please don't even suggest it. There has to be alternatives other than pack your bags if you quit school especially if he continues to work. I think it's a mistake and don't want him to quit. Most of his friends are in four year schools. He is not interested in the military or technical school.
No threats, but if it were me, I'd tell him my rule is college or technical/vocational school (military option would provide it's own arrangements so not an issue) is a requirement for living rent free in my house because those are pathways to supporting one's self. If one is not on that path, I must assume he feels he is already there so he needs to support himself. He can do that by moving out or by assuming payments (including rent/utilities/food/car/cellphone etc) and living at home until he can make other , more permanent arrangements. I would then sit down with him and go over the real cost of being self sufficient. The catch is, you must be willing to follow through. If you're not, then you really have no weight in this discussion and he'll do what he wants while still living on your dollar. That would be unsatisfactory for me.
I know that's not what you want to hear, but honestly, you can't make another adult want to do something. You have no control over that. You only have control over how willing you are to support his choices.
"can you get rich without a college degree" - you need to tell him it's hard to get rich even with a college degree....He needs to make an appointment with the career counselor at his current college to help figure out what it is he wants to do.
Last edited by maciesmom; 10-19-2011 at 04:15 PM..
I wouldn't waste money sending a kid like this to college. He's not ready, and may never be. For an enormous investment, college is no guarantee of a job for even the most successful student. And while in the past a college degree could be counted on to pay off in the long run, I truly doubt that will be true in the future for all but a few very difficult and highly demanding fields. I think much of the statistical "proof" that college pays off is simply a result of the fact that almost everyone in the upper class goes to college, while far fewer of the lowest class go.
While of course he should be required to work (and not sit back and let you support him) during his high energy years, he needs time to realize either that he wants and needs a college degree, or not. If not, perhaps an apprenticeship would be preferable to a trade school, if he doesn't like the academic structure. College not only takes money that could be otherwise invested (say in starting a business once motivation and aptitude are proven), but it also keeps him out of the job market for 4 or 5 years, and costs him 4 or 5 years of experience in a trade or vocation.
In today's economy, if he has any talent or interest in a trade, he's ahead of the game. Our nation will have far more opportunity for earning a living in areas that are necessary for society to function, as opposed to jobs that businesses are frantic to eliminate.
No threats, but if it were me, I'd tell him my rule is college or technical/vocational school (military option would provide it's own arrangements so not an issue) is a requirement for living rent free in my house because those are pathways to supporting one's self. If one is not on that path, I must assume he feels he is already there so he needs to support himself. He can do that by moving out or by assuming payments (including rent/utilities/food/car/cellphone etc) and living at home until he can make other , more permanent arrangements. I would then sit down with him and go over the real cost of being self sufficient. The catch is, you must be willing to follow through. If you're not, then you really have no weight in this discussion and he'll do what he wants while still living on your dollar. That would be unsatisfactory for me.
I know that's not what you want to hear, but honestly, you can't make another adult want to do something. You have no control over that. You only have control over how willing you are to support his choices.
"can you get rich without a college degree" - you need to tell him it's hard to get rich even with a college degree....He needs to make an appointment with the career counselor at his current college to help figure out what it is he wants to do.
Yes, this. This is what my parents told me. No college = no payment for car, gas, rent, food, insurance, etc. If he chooses not to go to college, you'll have to live with that, but don't let him sponge off of you.
No threats, but if it were me, I'd tell him my rule is college or technical/vocational school (military option would provide it's own arrangements so not an issue) is a requirement for living rent free in my house because those are pathways to supporting one's self.
I agree with maciesmom. I've seen several "young entrepreneurs" quickly going back to college after working for a while and taking care of themselves, realizing how sweet they had it with parental support.
I wish there was a college education version of "Scared Straight".
Whenever my (grammar school aged) kids complain about school or homework I take my keys out of my pocket and drop them on the ground. I ask them to pick them up. They do and then I say "OK, you can pick strawberries. You can quit school right now."
He might need a taste of "real life" to set him straight.
My son went through the same thing. And I heard the same story.."you don't need college".
So I told him to withdraw from his classes as college transcripts are permanent and if he just stopped going those failing grades would be there FOREVER.
He had a string of low level menial jobs, minimum wage and long hours including weekends.
Fast forward one year. He's back in college and serious this time that he needs that degree.
He learned more in one year of real life than any lectures I could have given him.
I did charge him rent but that was it. He did have to pay for everything else himself and upkeep his car. He practically lived paycheck to paycheck. It taught a very strong life lesson.
I wish there was a college education version of "Scared Straight".
Whenever my (grammar school aged) kids complain about school or homework I take my keys out of my pocket and drop them on the ground. I ask them to pick them up. They do and then I say "OK, you can pick strawberries. You can quit school right now."
Well, flip side of that, I have two kids who were never academic in school, one that positively hated and loathed school. That is fine, they made their own choices...one went military, the other found a job, and then, ironically, that job paid for him to take vocational classes to get certifications for his job. He loves it.
I am in the same boat, I told my kids same thing, if you are not in college, you can support yourself, that means no car, no money from me, no free place to live. I don't even let kids working live at home, they can go support themselves. Be free...see how great it is.
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