I need help (please) with my english (SAT, school, salary)

[Sonnebro]

I'm a girl from Sweden and I need some help with my english. We are going to choose some quotations and then write our thoughts about them, I've done that and now i need some help to correct the text. I'm in depserate need of help. I need to get a good mark on this text. So please, i'd be sooo thankful


When my travel alarm started peeping I sat up with a start, unlaced the top of my sleeping bag and reached out into the pitch-black cold.”
Unlike the guy in this text, I always stay in bed for some minutes after the alarm has started to peep. Or sometimes I even stay in bed for about a half an hour. This is not a good habit, I do know that, especially since I’ve overslept some times. Some people think it’s nuts that I always put the alarm some minutes or as I said earlier, sometimes a half an hour before I’m actually going to get up. I myself on the other hand think this is a good idea. By doing that, it feels a bit like you are allowed to sleep a little longer if you know what I mean.

"Everything was modern, unnecessary luxuries, a sight of our new riches heralding a future of waste and welfare.”
What would a life be without a TV? Recently me and my friends went on a snow scooter-ride. We stopped in the middle of a forest to make a fire so we could get some warmth and have something to eat. While we were sitting around the fireplace, we automatically started to tell each other stories about life. As we were talking we suddenly came in on the subject how cosy it must’ve been back in the old days when the TV didn’t exist. At that time, I suppose people had more time for each other. There were no programs on TV that you “had to go home and watch”. Nowadays, when we’re having more equipments that are making our human beings lives so much easier than before, it would be logically to think that we also would have more time for each other, basically, more time for everything and that stress wouldn’t be a problem. Think about before when there were no cars, no washing machines and no dishwashers, at that time people had to set off time to, for example, doing the dishes. So why are we nowadays having problems with stress after that all equipments have been invented?

The end of winter was in sight, the worst of the cold was over."
If I also could say those words right now without lying, I’d be kind of happy. Sadly enough I can’t. We’re only in the beginning of February and the worst cold is expected to come this month. To me, winter is the worst time of the year. I really hate it, even if the word “hate” is a strong word. If I’d have owned a snow scooter, I presume winter wouldn’t be as horrible as I’m considering it being right now. Without a snow scooter, I can’t see why we (I) need winter, or wait, if I could decide (if I could be a little egoistic), it would only be snow around Christmas. I could be nice, it would actually be kind of cosy with some snow in December, but just for some days, so children would be able to ride toboggan, have some fun with the snow by building a snowman for example, and have snowball war. The cold is the thing that’s making me hate winter, and the lack of the sunlight is of course also very annoying.

[RH1]

First off, this is really very good English - better than some native English speakers I know!! There is just the odd structural mistake. I've listed them below:

1- Put 'My friends and I went on a'... instead of 'me and my friends went'. To figure out which way round, just take your friends out of the sentence: 'I went', not 'me went' - see what I mean?

2 - 'we suddenly came in on the subject how cosy' - I'd say 'subject of how cosy'

3 - Nowadays, when we’re having more equipments that are making our human beings lives so much easier than before, it would be logically to think that we also would have more time for each other, basically, more time for everything and that stress wouldn’t be a problem.

Firstly you need to say 'equipment that is' - equipment is always singular not plural. It would also sound better if you said 'when we have' instead of 'when we're having'. Also 'logical' rather than 'logically'

4 - at that time people had to set off time to, for example, doing the dishes.
change to 'at that time people had to set aside time to, for example, do the dishes.'

5 - So why are we nowadays having problems with stress after that all equipments have been invented?
Change to 'So why, nowadays, are we having problems with stress after all this equipment has been invented?'

6 - would only be snow around Christmas
change snow to snowy!

7 - change the 'I' straight after to 'it'

8 - toboggan and snowball war should both be plural - ie toboggans and snowball wars (because you've used "children" which is also plural).

Well done though!

[RH1]

Originally Posted by Sonnebro

Or sometimes I even stay in bed for about a half an hour.

Oh, one more thing! Are you learning english in the USA? Only in England we don't say "a half an hour" just "half an hour" but I'm detecting an American influence in some of the words so I'm guessing you're learning it with an American slant?

[Sonnebro]

Originally Posted by RH1

Oh, one more thing! Are you learning english in the USA? Only in England we don't say "a half an hour" just "half an hour" but I'm detecting an American influence in some of the words so I'm guessing you're learning it with an American slant?

Oh thank you so much for your help! I really appreciate it . Maybe this is to much to ask, but I've written some more now since i posted the text. I'd be really thankful if you could help me with that too, but im not demanding it ;P.
And no, we're learning english, i guess ive seen to many shows on tv where theyre speaking it the american way :P

[SIZE=3]“Anyway, now that you’re not a little lad any more…”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Where exactly are we drawing the line of where you’re suddenly not a child anymore? Do you have to pass a certain age or what is it that is deciding “you’re now an adult”? In end the July I’m having my 18th birthday. When I was about thirteen years old, I looked at those who were 18 like they were adults, that they were so mature and smart. Now when it’s almost seven months left until I’m eighteen, I don’t feel how I thought it would feel to soon be 18. In my opinion I’m still like the one I was when I was thirteen, even if I’ve become a bit smarter and more mature, but it isn’t such a big difference as I thought it would be between the “old” and “new” me. I remember how my friend Jeanette for some years ago said that when you were 18, you weren’t a child anymore. Then I told her that you’re always going to be a child, because you’re always going to be your parents’ daughter. I don’t know why I remember it so well, but some things, especially unnecessary things have a tendency to stay in my mind. Well, back to my 18th birthday. I can’t wait until I’m eighteen. There are so many doors that’ll be opened up just because you’ve passed the age eighteen. Eighteen is equal for going out on pubs legal (I’ve been on pubs before but then you always have to sneak in), have your driving licence ready so you’re free to drive alone (without having your parent next to you, yelling what to do and what not to do) and the best thing with being eighteen, you’re free to do anything you like without your parents permission (everything that’s legal of course). One thing that I’m not so happy about is when I’m having my 18th birthday. If I would be eighteen when the summer holiday begins, I’d easily get a job with a higher salary then I’m going to get this summer, if I only get a job. Lots of my friends are eighteen in the summer so they’re going to earn more money than me just because they were born some months before I was born. Don’t get me wrong, earlier I said that I’m having my 18th birthday in the end of July so I’m also eighteen in the summer. It’s only that it’s almost too late to get a job in August, because the companies rather have a person working the whole summer trough then a person that’s just working for them fore some weeks. I’ve thought about one thing, wouldn’t it be smarter to change all this laws about that you must be eighteen do be able to do some things and instead say that all people who is born in 1990 or earlier (today when it’s 2008 and the next year change it to 1991) now are allowed to go into pubs and so on. Then it would be fair to everyone, I mean there’s even people who are having their 18th birthday in December so maybe I shouldn’t complain. Is it fair that they’re not going to be able to celebrate their friends, be able to join them on pubs just because they’re not eighteen? It’s not like you’re getting more brain cells when you’re getting eighteen. [/SIZE]

[RH1]

OK I've put additions and changes in bold, and where I think things ought to come out or change I've put them in red with a comment in square brackets.

Where exactly are we drawing the line of where you’re suddenly not a child anymore? Do you have to pass a certain age or what is it that decides “you’re now an adult”? At the end of July I’m having my 18th birthday. When I was about thirteen years old, I looked at those who were 18 like they were adults, that [not needed] they were so mature and smart[or clever in English English]. Now when there are only seven months left until I’m eighteen, I don’t feel how I thought it would feel to soon be 18. In my opinion I’m still like the one [not needed] I was when I was thirteen, even if I’ve become a bit smarter and more mature, but there isn’t such a big difference as I thought there would be between the “old” and “new” me. I remember how my friend Jeanette for [not needed] some years ago said that when you were 18, you weren’t a child anymore. Then I told her that you’re always going to be a child, because you’re always going to be your parents’ daughter. I don’t know why I remember it so well, but some things, especially unnecessary things, have a tendency to stay in my mind. Well, back to my 18th birthday. I can’t wait until I’m eighteen. There are so many doors that’ll be opened up just because you’ve passed the age eighteen. Eighteen is equal for [this isn't right - change to something like 'the age when I can start'] going out to pubs legally (I’ve been to pubs before but then you always have to sneak in), have your driving licence ready so you’re free to drive alone (without having a parent [could say 'your mum' or 'your dad' but not normally 'your parent'] next to you, yelling what to do and what not to do) and the best thing with being eighteen, you’re free to do anything you like without your parents' permission (everything that’s legal of course). One thing that I’m not so happy about is when I’m having my 18th birthday. If I was eighteen when the summer holiday began, I’d easily get a job with a higher salary then I’m going to get this summer, if I even get a job. Lots of my friends are eighteen in the summer so they’re going to earn more money than me just because they were born some months before I was born [not needed - it's repetition of 'born']. Don’t get me wrong, earlier I said that I’m having my 18th birthday at the end of July so I’m also eighteen in the summer. It’s only that it’s almost too late to get a job in August, because the companies would rather have a person working the whole summer through [or say "all summer"] than a person who is just working for them for some weeks. I’ve thought about one thing, wouldn’t it [it would be tidier to say: "I think it would"] be smarter to change all these laws that say you must be eighteen do be able to do some things and instead say that all people who were born in 1990 or earlier (today when it’s 2008 and the next year change it to 1991) now are allowed to go into pubs and so on. Then it would be fair to everyone, I mean there are even people who are having their 18th birthday in December so maybe I shouldn’t complain. Is it fair that they’re not going to be able to celebrate with their friends, be able to join them in pubs just because they’re not eighteen? It’s not like you’re getting more brain cells when you reach eighteen.

I can tell you wrote that one faster!! DM me if you want to ask about any of this - I've not gone into as much explanation as last time. I'm not a teacher by the way, but I do edit text...

[Sonnebro]

Originally Posted by RH1

OK I've put additions and changes in bold, and where I think things ought to come out or change I've put them in red with a comment in square brackets.

Where exactly are we drawing the line of where you’re suddenly not a child anymore? Do you have to pass a certain age or what is it that decides “you’re now an adult”? At the end of July I’m having my 18th birthday. When I was about thirteen years old, I looked at those who were 18 like they were adults, that [not needed] they were so mature and smart[or clever in English English]. Now when there are only seven months left until I’m eighteen, I don’t feel how I thought it would feel to soon be 18. In my opinion I’m still like the one [not needed] I was when I was thirteen, even if I’ve become a bit smarter and more mature, but there isn’t such a big difference as I thought there would be between the “old” and “new” me. I remember how my friend Jeanette for [not needed] some years ago said that when you were 18, you weren’t a child anymore. Then I told her that you’re always going to be a child, because you’re always going to be your parents’ daughter. I don’t know why I remember it so well, but some things, especially unnecessary things, have a tendency to stay in my mind. Well, back to my 18th birthday. I can’t wait until I’m eighteen. There are so many doors that’ll be opened up just because you’ve passed the age eighteen. Eighteen is equal for [this isn't right - change to something like 'the age when I can start'] going out to pubs legally (I’ve been to pubs before but then you always have to sneak in), have your driving licence ready so you’re free to drive alone (without having a parent [could say 'your mum' or 'your dad' but not normally 'your parent'] next to you, yelling what to do and what not to do) and the best thing with being eighteen, you’re free to do anything you like without your parents' permission (everything that’s legal of course). One thing that I’m not so happy about is when I’m having my 18th birthday. If I was eighteen when the summer holiday began, I’d easily get a job with a higher salary then I’m going to get this summer, if I even get a job. Lots of my friends are eighteen in the summer so they’re going to earn more money than me just because they were born some months before I was born [not needed - it's repetition of 'born']. Don’t get me wrong, earlier I said that I’m having my 18th birthday at the end of July so I’m also eighteen in the summer. It’s only that it’s almost too late to get a job in August, because the companies would rather have a person working the whole summer through [or say "all summer"] than a person who is just working for them for some weeks. I’ve thought about one thing, wouldn’t it [it would be tidier to say: "I think it would"] be smarter to change all these laws that say you must be eighteen do be able to do some things and instead say that all people who were born in 1990 or earlier (today when it’s 2008 and the next year change it to 1991) now are allowed to go into pubs and so on. Then it would be fair to everyone, I mean there are even people who are having their 18th birthday in December so maybe I shouldn’t complain. Is it fair that they’re not going to be able to celebrate with their friends, be able to join them in pubs just because they’re not eighteen? It’s not like you’re getting more brain cells when you reach eighteen.

I can tell you wrote that one faster!! DM me if you want to ask about any of this - I've not gone into as much explanation as last time. I'm not a teacher by the way, but I do edit text...

haha yeah i did! "DM"? dont understand what that means? No ive got everything under control . You're not ;O, well i think you'd be great as a teacher! I've written even more now and now im done with it. Finally! I'll post it here and I hope you'll correct this too (A). You should know that I really appriciate the work youve done .


[SIZE=3]“He suddenly looked shy.”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]One of my biggest problems here in life is actually my shyness. If it weren’t for my shyness, I’d achieve so much more. My sister on the other hand is really the opposite. I wish I could be a little less shy with people. I guess my shyness comes from that I always think what other people must think about me. When I was in the 6th grade, a boy in my class teased me because I always blushed when I presented something for my class. Since, I’ve always been thinking before a presentation that I mustn’t blush, and of course, just because I’m thinking of it so much I blush. It’s mostly a psychical thing, if I’d just let go of the thought of not blush, I’d probably not blush as much. I know this, but it’s not as easy as it sounds. If I would say, do not think of the colour red, what would you be thinking about? Exactly, you’d think about red. There’s another thing that’s bothering me, and that’s not that I just blush, it’s like I can’t speak properly anymore when I’m getting nervous. All that I’ve made up in my head comes out the wrong way and that makes me even more nervous and then I’m off in a negative spiral.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]”Then it became a collage where teenage girls were trained in such things as cookery and knitting.”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]When I was younger, my grandmother told me what it was like going to school at her time. She told me that there was a huge difference between how you were being raised depending on if you were a boy or a girl. For example, my grandmother had cookery and knitting on her schedule and my grandfather woodwork. There was no question about the different subject you were supposed to have depending on your sex, it was the normal way to do it. A girl was a girl and a boy was a boy and there were a big difference between them, both psychical and physique, at least, that was what people back in the old days believed. I’m happy that I’m born in the 21st century. Nowadays there isn’t such a big difference between girls and boy. At least if you’re comparing it to how it was before. Of course there’s still a lot to do on that front. Boys are still having a bigger wage then the girls and we are still having worse conditions compared to the boys in a lot of ways.[/SIZE]

[RH1]

DM is short for Direct Message. I've replied to the last one by Direct Message as it might get boring for other readers! :-) You'll find it in your Inbox (check top right corner of the screen).