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We're a family of five in Manhattan, kids 6 and under. Both gainfully employed and I make about double her salary. My wife wants to stay home with the kids but we just can't do it here. I just received a job offer in Chicago with a new salary that could make life there very comfortable for us. She could leave her job--if she works at all, she intends to spend time writing and freelancing and I could start an exciting new job.
Financially it makes complete sense because we're likely to be priced out of Manhattan by virtue of having a large family. We're making it work now with private schools and a small apartment, but this juggling act cannot go on. I do not want to end up in a bad spot financially in about 15 years, and that's where we're slowly headed now. We have enough income so it doesn't feel like a dramatic shift, but it's inexorable.
But the softer things are driving my decision-making process: telling my kindergartner that he will be going to a new school; leaving our lovely nanny behind; and leaving the sweet little YMCA nursery school behind. We worked hard to choose schools, to get good childcare, and to get free speech therapy. My kindergartner is very happy at his school and the teachers told us off the record that he's the brightest in his class. My other two kids are happy at their pre-school, and each receives free speech therapy from the NYC public schools (not for serious problems).
We really don't know Chicago very well and would need to start fresh in a new community, new schools for the kids, new friends, different environment. My wife is not thrilled that Chicago is the location of the job but is resigned to it if we choose to take this offer. However, she badly wants to stay home and we can't swing that in Manhattan.
So...how much weight should I give to my little kids' schools and my personal lack of knowledge about Chicago? Am I being too sentimental?
I don't think the nanny or the preschool or the kindergarten should factor into your long-term plans. I don't know much about living in Manhattan, other than hearing that is is outrageously expensive. You said you are able to afford it because your wife is also working, but she would like to be at home with the children.
Currently, your joint decision regarding your wife staying home should be at the top of the list of factors affecting your decision. Other important factors, of course, would be your ability to save for college funds and retirement, your overall attachment to the area in which you currently live, what features your ideal location would include, and each of your long-term career goals.
I would not presume to advise you for or against moving to Chicago, because I don't know your answers to the above points. But I will say that Chicago is one of my favorite cities. I hated the cold and snow, but other than that I loved living there.
I think it's all about how grounded you are right now.
I learned from bitter experience how difficult a major move can be with children; moving cost me more than I planned, the job turned out to be unsatisfying, even thought it paid much more, and everyone missed their old lives a lot.
After a few years, I moved back and re-established. That too, was as difficult, and would have been ever worse if I had remained in the new job longer. After just a year or two too long, I believe you can't go home again; things change just as much back home, so the realities are never like the memories.
But I didn't have a wife who wanted to be a stay at home mom. That could very possibly make all the difference, and job satisfaction is always what you make of it. My kids were older than yours, and they never really adapted to their new surroundings. As yours are younger, they will probably have much fewer problems adjusting than mine.
I think you are too worried about the kids. They are young and resilient. For everything you leave behind there will be compensations, such as a larger income and time for you wife to do freelancing while staying at home while the kids are younger.
If the kids were in middle school or high school, then a move would be very hard for them. So, while they are young, I'd advise on building your career and making a good family unit. If you present the move as an adventure, and keep that mindset yourself, I think things will be fine.
In general it is best to grab opportunity while it still holds out a hand.
Your kids are way too young to be worried about them. We moved when my DD was going into 1st grade and her brothers going into 4th. The move was much more difficult for them - she didn't bat an eye. The boys were upset, but even at their age, got over it fast once school started and they made some friends.
If your wife wants to stay home, this is a good time to move - it will be easier for HER to make friends while the kids are young and she can meet other SAHMs at preschools and playgroups.
Chicago is a great city by the way (I'm a native NYer).
All, thanks for the very thoughtful advice. Going out there next week with her for a couple of days to look around a bit, since we really haven't been there together since 2004.
We have been living with this tempting offer hanging over our heads for the past two weeks, and it's been hyperventilation-inducing hell thinking about which direction to go on it. It really boils down to starting over and having money in Chicago v. familiar comfort/sentiment and our love of urban life in NYC, though the comfort part of the equation is eroding.
That said, if we do it, we will consider it an "experiment" until certain incentives of my pay package vest (two to three years), then we'll re-assess our love for NYC.
My husband also works in Manhatten but we live in NJ. We are also considering a move out of state but unfortunately, my spouse hasn't found a job out of state which is proving to be really tough to find. I guess that you have to weigh several things:
-do you have family in the NY area and would you be walking away from a nice support system?
-how in love are you with NYC? Personally, I couldn't stand living in a city environment however for others, it is paradise. In our neighborhood, we've had a few Manhattan folks get tired of the hustle bustle and move into the burbs. I think that you make many sacrifices, just to live in the city. You obviously would get more bang for your buck in Chicago. Having the ability for your wife to stay at home is something to consider very carefully.
I think that taking a trip to Chicago is a great one. We are planning another trip out to our state of interest with our kids this spring. Your kids are young enough to adapt. Good luck to you.
That sounds like a great deal, why aren't you packing right now? You will find a new nanny, new private schools and preschools that are just as great as the old ones. Chicago is a big city, there will be plenty to choose from. Your kids are the perfect age for moving with a minimum of trauma, and with that many kids and a wife that makes half as much as you do, it only makes sense to have her be a SAHM. What I don't understand is why free speech therapy is a priority when you obviously can afford a nanny and private school? It sounds like in Chicago, you will be able to afford to pay for it anyway.
Young children such as yours should/will adapt to the new situation easily. A good Nanny should not be hard to find as long as you do your homework (background ck etc.). Your wife being home when the children get home from school will be a bonus and if she is happy the whole family will be happy. Programs for therapy are available also. I think you are over analyzing the move and should just do it and dont look back!
Happy new adventure!
"God hates a coward" (Almanzo Wilder's friend, from Little House on The Prairie).
It's hard to leave our comfortable ruts, isn't it? I usually wait until fate forces me into a move, kicking and screaming. And each one has made my life much better (so far). Yet, I still hate change. Go figure.
What my husband and I usually do at times like this is make a list of the advantages and disadvantages of each option and see which one has the most advantages (helps to keep emotion out of the decision). Then read up on all the worst things about Chicago in the IL forum and decide if you can live with them (the wind would drive me nuts, personally). Think of worst-case scenarios - your wife gets to stay home and discovers that she only wanted it in Manhattan... or you hate the new job (or lose it)... or you both hate Chicago... then make a plan for what you'll do if it turns out badly, that's all. Your kids will adjust fine at their ages. They're all optimists and accept change easily when they're that little.
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