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We are a couple married 26 years with two grown kids in their early twenties. We currently live in Michigan, and have lived in the same general vicinity for all of our lives. We still need to work for a few more years, since I'm not even fifty yet and we helped our son and are helping our daughter to pay for college.
Question:
Has anyone been in a situation where one of you wants to relocate to a different state/region and the other does not?
Hubby wants to move somewhere with less snow in about two years after our daughter graduates from college. He is okay with some snow, just not as much of a yearly average as we have here. (He was pulling for Florida, but thank God I think that is off the radar for now because after a couple of trips down there he agrees that it is miserable in the summer and too many bugs, people, etc.) He is now talking about KY or TN.
I am very happy to stay right here. We have a beautiful house, secure jobs, our extended families are here, we have happy memories here of when our kids were growing up, and, most importantly, at least one of our kids (our son) is very happy here and he and his wife are buying a house and planning on putting down deep roots here, as in, this is where our future grandchildren are going to grow up. Our daughter talks about moving away, but not anywhere remotely near the Southeast, so we would be losing her too.
So...how does this get resolved? I mean, I love my husband and want him to be happy, but I really don't feel like leaving our lifelong home to move somewhere where we know absolutely no one and have no idea if we would even be happy there, not to mention that I would miss our kids terribly.
Snowbirding might be a solution several years down the road, and we already own a condo on the beach in SC, but not while we are still working, and this kind of needs to be resolved before then.
This winter was ultra-extreme. We may never see another one like it. I don't think weather is a good reason to pull up roots from a place where you are otherwise happy. Besides, we are having an absolutely spectacular summer weather wise, and it is normally gorgoeous here from April through October.
Thoughts? Advice?
Thanks!
Last edited by canudigit; 06-15-2014 at 05:49 AM..
Give it a couple of years. Conventional belief seems to favor we're in a new weather pattern that has obviously emerged over the past few years so these winters may in fact become the new norm. It's hard to live like when you're miserable every day so this may be a test of your ability to compromise. Moving is a scary thing for those who have roots in one place for a long time but you will meet people on the other end, family/relatives/friends do visit (and so will you) and sites like Facebook or even plain old phone calls work well in the interim. Remember that if it's so horrific one can always move back. Start off renting the first year to make sure you're really going to like it there and maintain networking with old employers and associates, just in case.
Thanks for your reply, Kyle. What you say does make sense, but one thing I forgot to mention is the fact that we have elderly parents here. We both have good parents who did their best to give us a good upbringing, and his parents, especially, have been very generous with us over the years. I feel like it would be selfish to move away, especially since my mother is widowed and lives alone and is no social butterfly and his dad is developing some health issues.
I have two sisters in the area, but they have already let me know when they thought that I wasn't spending enough time with Mom (I work full-time and live about an hour from her, so no, I don't get there every week), so if we moved out of state, I imagine my sisters would be all upset and think that I was being selfish. My husband has one brother who also lives in the area but has a house at the lake where he goes most weekends and spends most of the rest of his time with his wife's family, so we are sort of all that my in-laws have.
I do feel an obligation to the parents, since they have always been there for us. The in-laws say that they would would move south in a couple of years if we did (which makes Hubby very happy, obviously), but honestly...they are in their early 80s and I just don't see them pulling up stakes in a couple more years and relocating to another state.
We are a couple married 26 years with two grown kids in their early twenties. We currently live in Michigan, and have lived in the same general vicinity for all of our lives. We still need to work for a few more years, since I'm not even fifty yet and we helped our son and are helping our daughter to pay for college.
Question:
Has anyone been in a situation where one of you wants to relocate to a different state/region and the other does not?
Hubby wants to move somewhere with less snow in about two years after our daughter graduates from college. He is okay with some snow, just not as much of a yearly average as we have here. (He was pulling for Florida, but thank God I think that is off the radar for now because after a couple of trips down there he agrees that it is miserable in the summer and too many bugs, people, etc.) He is now talking about KY or TN.
I am very happy to stay right here. We have a beautiful house, secure jobs, our extended families are here, we have happy memories here of when our kids were growing up, and, most importantly, at least one of our kids (our son) is very happy here and he and his wife are buying a house and planning on putting down deep roots here, as in, this is where our future grandchildren are going to grow up. Our daughter talks about moving away, but not anywhere remotely near the Southeast, so we would be losing her too.
So...how does this get resolved? I mean, I love my husband and want him to be happy, but I really don't feel like leaving our lifelong home to move somewhere where we know absolutely no one and have no idea if we would even be happy there, not to mention that I would miss our kids terribly.
Snowbirding might be a solution several years down the road, and we already own a condo on the beach in SC, but not while we are still working, and this kind of needs to be resolved before then.
This winter was ultra-extreme. We may never see another one like it. I don't think weather is a good reason to pull up roots from a place where you are otherwise happy. Besides, we are having an absolutely spectacular summer weather wise, and it is normally gorgoeous here from April through October.
Thoughts? Advice?
Thanks!
That's a hard one.
Some people even have S.A.D. and lots of cold and snow actually affects their mood and health. I myself am one who cannot live where it's cloudy most of the time.
He'd probably really like it out West where it's nice all the time. You don't get the muggy heat like in Florida.
Memories aren't something you lose if you move -- and when you're facing the empty nest, they don't really make any difference, the house will never be the same again without the kids in it.
The snowbird solution might be the only good one, Michigan is very nice in the summer but the winters are long and even if not harsh, are dull and dreary. You don't have to live like that.
Hubby wants to move somewhere with less snow in about two years after our daughter graduates from college.
I wouldn't fret right now. A lot can happen in two years. It would be more concerning if he wanted to put the house on the market now and move at the end of the summer.
Since you both have jobs and family there, I'd say it's pretty doubtful that he would actually move, unless his parents are dead, he is retired, and/or he develops a significant health issue, such as has a heart attack. Until those aspects occur, he'll probably just whine about the winters.
Best you can do is try to plan some winter get-aways to someplace warm that you both enjoy. Perhaps sample different areas with "retirement" in mind. You are not expected to stay in Michigan when you are 70+. The children can come and visit you! I've certainly done my share of driving my grandparents between MI and FL until they got too old to travel. (:
We have the same situation but with the roles reversed. I'll be reading along here as it will be good for me to get more awareness of what it feels like on the other side of the fence.
We are in good health, our parents are all gone and we have no grandchildren so we could be footloose and fancy-free. I really thought he'd become more accepting as time went by and we took longer vacations to other areas but that hasn't happened. Winters where we live are long and increasingly difficult for me to get through. He doesn't mind them.
About fifteen years ago he built his dream garage and now that he's retired he has time to play with all the toys he's been accumulating through the years. He is isn't willing to give it up.
I understand. I'm still working on a solution for compromise. So far what I've been doing is going to a warmer climate with him and he stays for a couple of weeks and then goes home and I stay on until I'm ready to return for spring.
I enjoy my vacation time but it's less than ideal as a solution.
What's funny is how much someone can change over the years. He always used to be the one to say, "Let's sell everything and move to Australia." Hah.
About fifteen years ago he built his dream garage and now that he's retired he has time to play with all the toys he's been accumulating through the years. He is isn't willing to give it up.
Why don't you build a "dream spa" or "dream craft room" so that you have a really cool space of your own?
That's a toughie. I've seen men divorce rather than give up their dream garage, workshop, or man cave.
I even sort of understand that. Some men worked at crappy jobs and made it through the week dreaming of when they would build ultra light airplanes or just loaf in their special home workshop, and now that it's a reality, good luck prying them out of it.
(And I wouldn't try . . . you could add some wide spectrum light boxes to the spa if SAD is a problem . . .)
I've posted this before but I think it bears repeating. Please don't discount this as 'oh, it's just the weather, he'll change his mind' or anything along those lines. He's planning long range, so it sounds as though there may be more to this than just a general unhappiness with the winters. I understand family is important, but is it more important than your marriage?
I finally up and moved, alone, in part because my ex simply could not bring himself to move from his family and I felt like my feelings about it just didn't matter to him when it came right down to it. I spent x number of years of dealing with a climate I hated, feeling cooped up and miserable and unable to enjoy most of the year. It was opposite of your situation because I'm from MI and needed a place cooler and with some snow instead of oppressively hot summers that felt like they lasted 8 months! I felt like I paid my dues and the kids were grown and I wanted it to be my turn now. But all I heard was 'you can be happy here if you try', like twenty some years wasn't long enough to figure out that I needed to be somewhere else that was a better fit for me! I think the fact that he wasn't even willing to try what I wanted said an awful lot, none of it good.
I also think malamute has a point about the empty nest. It will never be quite the same once both kids are on their own and busy raising their own families. Six or eight hours away is not that far if you're retired and willing to make the visits. It won't let you 'see' your grandkids grow up, but if your daughter doesn't plan on staying in your hometown you won't be getting that with her anyway.
So, yeah, I think you have a lot of serious talks in your immediate future, with all your family members. And some heavy duty researching on the areas that might be a 'best compromise'. Just in case.
(and maybe, possibly, those eighty somethings might happily move somewhere warmer if there were family there too, just a thought)
We don't all like the same climates, and that's another reason older married couples grow apart.
What we need is a "couple exchange" so that those need new spouses for warmer/colder climes can have them!
(I'm joking!)
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