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I divorced my first husband over 10 years ago. Our children were 8 and 5 at the time. Two years later, I moved a few towns over and remarried. My former father in law has never, not even once, tried to contact my children. He has never sent a birthday card or gift. He has never sent a Christmas card or gift. He did send a graduation gift to my oldest after receiving the announcement.
I will admit that I never contacted him or made the kids do so. I have always felt that my x should have kept the kids in contact with his father.
My former MIL (they are divorced as well) has always been in contact with the kids and I have even taken them to her house many times over the years.
So now the oldest is in college and money is very tight. My x quit paying child support 6 months ago and I am fighting that through a very slow court system. My x FIL is paying full tuition for the other two grandkids (cousins of my kids). My son asked his father if he thought Grandpa would help him out too. My x told him, "Grandpa wants nothing to do with you or your sister because you never call him."
What should I do about this???? Was it my responsibility to keep the kids in touch with their Grandfather or my X's? How is it the kid's fault? Doesn't Grandpa hold some responsibility? He is the adult after all. I feel terrible for the kids. Not because I care about the money. It would be nice but we will borrow and get by. It's just that they are being made to feel like they did something wrong.
I think it was totally your ex's responsability to keep the lines of communication open. If he wasn't going to do it then if it meant that much to him then the ex-fil should have made the effort.
It's never the children's fault that some grandparents don't want to make the effort to keep in touch with them.
You yourself had enough to contend with raising the children.
I think it was totally your ex's responsability to keep the lines of communication open. If he wasn't going to do it then if it meant that much to him then the ex-fil should have made the effort.
It's never the children's fault that some grandparents don't want to make the effort to keep in touch with them.
You yourself had enough to contend with raising the children.
Thank you. You will never know how much it means to me. I have tried very hard to do the right thing with these two beautiful children. They did not deserve any of this.
My former father in law has never, not even once, tried to contact my children. He has never sent a birthday card or gift. He has never sent a Christmas card or gift. He did send a graduation gift to my oldest after receiving the announcement.
I will admit that I never contacted him or made the kids do so. I have always felt that my x should have kept the kids in contact with his father.
This is all water under the bridge, the fact is that at this point you and your kids do not have a relationship with this man, regardless of whose responsibility it was. (I have a similar situation with my MIL) Don't beat yourself up over it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by VBmom
My x FIL is paying full tuition for the other two grandkids (cousins of my kids). My son asked his father if he thought Grandpa would help him out too.
I don't think it's fair that Grampa is paying tuition for the other kids and not helping your son, but your son is old enough to realize that life is often not fair. I don't think under the circumstances I'd try to re-establish a relationship at this point. It just wouldn't look right. Maybe later down the road, if your kids are still interested in getting to know their grandfather...
Quote:
Originally Posted by VBmom
My x told him, "Grandpa wants nothing to do with you or your sister because you never call him."
Harsh of your ex, considering he bears a big part of the responsibility for the rift. Think he'd be willing to admit his part in this and go to bat for your kids with his father?
So hard, I've been there also. When my kids were small I really worked on my one step-son keeping in contact with his real mom. She rarely contacted him. But I had him call on her birthday and mother's day...even though it seemed like a joke. But everything I read said it is improtant. His grandmother sent him a warm up suit every Christmas for years and years. We used to joke that he was going to guess what was in the package, it was like she didn't know him so sent something safe. He was the only child of his mom's and the only grandchild but there was just no interest. I think you do the best you can and when they get old enough I think the kids should write if they want to. Forcing sometimes is not a good thing.
I remember when he was first a teenager...13 is a biggie. His mom and grandmother sent him a card, late as usual, that said "happy 12th birthday" His face was just so sad.
Maybe the kids could write and say they missed contact with the grandparents and that they don't want to miss out on any more time and see what happens.
Maybe the kids could write and say they missed contact with the grandparents and that they don't want to miss out on any more time and see what happens.
This was my suggestion to my oldest. He is expressing interest at this point. My daughter doesn't want anything to do with him as the last time she saw him, he didn't recognize her.
When I suggested writing a nice letter, telling grandpa what's going on in his life, how college is, etc. My son said he would call. A few weeks later I asked if he had called. He said "no, I will." This went on most of the summer and finally my son went back to college without calling. I don't want to pressure but I feel like they should make an attempt. They are 16 and 19. Grandpa isn't getting any younger. I don't want them to regret it later. I don't want to get blamed later.
At the same time, I wonder if I should do something. Send updated pictures? I don't know. I go back and forth with; this is not my responsibility, it is my X's and the X isn't going to do anything, I should for the kids.
This man (Grandpa) was soooooo mean to me during and right after my divorce. He and his wife sent nasty letters to me and to my parents. Grandpa actually told my parents that if I didn't take the deal that was being offered (which left me with nothing) that my kids would get nothing when he died. (he is very wealthy). There is a lot of water under this bridge. I guess that's why I never made an effort on the kids behalf when they were little. Now, I feel a little guilty about it. Of course, he never made any effort either.
My ex-husband and I also have 2 kids. He says it is my job to have the kids call him. They know they can call him at any time they want to, UNLESS they are in trouble and calling him for sympathy (which don't happen often). Of course, them thinking to call him don't happen that often either. Personally, I don't care either way as long as they don't decide to act out afterward. I have free long distance, just for this reason. BUT I do not feel it is my responsibility to have them call him. He knows my phone # too. We havn't changed it for 12 years. So....I am with you. Not my problem. Not my job.
My ex-husband and I also have 2 kids. He says it is my job to have the kids call him. They know they can call him at any time they want to, UNLESS they are in trouble and calling him for sympathy (which don't happen often). Of course, them thinking to call him don't happen that often either. Personally, I don't care either way as long as they don't decide to act out afterward. I have free long distance, just for this reason. BUT I do not feel it is my responsibility to have them call him. He knows my phone # too. We havn't changed it for 12 years. So....I am with you. Not my problem. Not my job.
My two have cell phones. Their Dad knows the number. Still, I will bet he doesn't call my daughter once a month. He calls my son maybe twice a month. I always remind the kids when his birthday is, father's day etc. When they were younger I always sent a gift for Christmas, his birthday and father's day. Stopped that after a few years of him never doing the same. Now I send updated pictures of the kids for Christmas and a small gift. I just think it is the right thing, not my duty. Plus it would be embarrassing for the kids to go to his house for Christmas and not have a gift. I have a friend who's ex sends her a dozen roses for mother's day every year. The card always says, "Thanks for being a good mom." Oh, what I wouldn't give for an x like that.
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