New monument (kids, old, first)

[kygman]

We have a problem with my step kids. My wife and their dad were married 15 years when he passed away. She bought a monument for the two of them. Now, we have been married 20 years and still going. A tree fell on their monument and, while it was being epoxied my wife mentioined, since there wasn't room on that one to add her new last name, replacing the monument with one with both last names on top (like Farrah Fawcett-Majors). That way her first husband would still be on the monument. Her kids said no way. "Don't do that to my daddy's stone!" Just like it's not hers. Without doing this there will be no way to show she and I were married after we both die. I'd like the new stone but staying out of it because she's not wanting to upset her kids, but I'd like the new one. What would you do?

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by kygman

We have a problem with my step kids. My wife and their dad were married 15 years when he passed away. She bought a monument for the two of them. Now, we have been married 20 years and still going. A tree fell on their monument and, while it was being epoxied my wife mentioined, since there wasn't room on that one to add her new last name, replacing the monument with one with both last names on top (like Farrah Fawcett-Majors). That way her first husband would still be on the monument. Her kids said no way. "Don't do that to my daddy's stone!" Just like it's not hers. Without doing this there will be no way to show she and I were married after we both die. I'd like the new stone but staying out of it because she's not wanting to upset her kids, but I'd like the new one. What would you do?

IMHO, it partly depends where your wife and you will be buried. Will she be buried next to her first husband or next to you? Will you be buried with her and first husband? If yes, than making a new monument may be less upsetting (although, "three in one plot" seems pretty unusual unless you had a polygamous marriage).

Frankly, I have never heard of a person changing their name on their monument after it was made. I have heard of people being buried with their second spouse and that monument having a different name on it than the first monument. Heck, I know of several people who were buried with their second spouse and the space next to the first spouse was just left empty.

I can see why her kids might be miffed if she adds the name of her second husband to the monument that was purchased to celebrate the married life of their father and mother. Frankly, it seems sort of disrespectful to his memory.

Can you do something else to honor the memory of your marriage? Possibly, putting a bench or other memorial in a different cemetery with both of your names on it?

Traditionally women are always supposed to have their birth name on their monument (for genealogical purposes). If she is Sally Jones (birth name) Smith (first husband's last name) born January 1, 1950 and died May 1, 2025 on the first monument and Sally Jones (birth name) McCarthy (second husband's last name) or Sally Jones Smith-McCarthy born January 1, 1950 and died May 1, 2025 on the second monument it shouldn't be too confusing. Future generations should be able to figure out that she was the same woman. You can even put on the second monument "Married June 15, 2000" if you even want it to be clearer.

(BTW, I am a widow that was married to my late husband for over 40 years.)

[kygman]

I've seen several where the one person was married twice and both spouses are buried there with the same monument. We put a concrete block in the ground showing where I'll be buried, next to her. Her kids have no problem with that. We all get along great and they love how I take care of their mother with all her health problems. As far as the last names, what she originally wanted to do, and we've this on others, is add her new last name after her first married name. Already "Jane Doe Smith" and add "Jones" to the end of it. But with the way hers was made, plus the break where the tree hit it, make it impossible to do that. She is big on geneology and we've seen a lot of old monuments in cemeteries way back in woods with two spouses listed. We talked about putting a double in for mine (hopefully not any time soon!) with my info, and, on the spouse side just list married to "Jane Doe Smith Jones" and the years.

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by kygman

I've seen several where the one person was married twice and both spouses are buried there with the same monument. We put a concrete block in the ground showing where I'll be buried, next to her. Her kids have no problem with that. We all get along great and they love how I take care of their mother with all her health problems. As far as the last names, what she originally wanted to do, and we've this on others, is add her new last name after her first married name. Already "Jane Doe Smith" and add "Jones" to the end of it. But with the way hers was made, plus the break where the tree hit it, make it impossible to do that. She is big on geneology and we've seen a lot of old monuments in cemeteries way back in woods with two spouses listed. We talked about putting a double in for mine (hopefully not any time soon!) with my info, and, on the spouse side just list married to "Jane Doe Smith Jones" and the years.

"I've seen several where the one person was married twice and both spouses are buried there with the same monument." That is interesting.

I'm 68 years old and have friends and relatives buried in numerous cemeteries (including quite a few starting between 1825 and 1850) and I have never seen a monument with one person and both spouses listed and all three buried next to each other. I am glad that you have seen monuments like that and are considering that (if it works out in your situation). Of course, keep in mind that if your current wife passes away and you may remarry.

I was thinking about my late aunt who was married twice. Her first husband is buried next to his first wife and her second husband is buried next to his first wife (as that was their wishes). Luckily, there was room in our family/neighborhood cemetery so she was able to be buried next to her unmarried sister. She has all three last names on her monument but does not list either spouse. However, her family designed the monument after she died, so maybe she would have designed it differently.

PS. I bet that you will get a lot more responses if this is moved to the Grief and Mourning forum (or the retirement forum).