Is it okay to give up? (parents, gifts, kids, old)
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Hi: I'm looking for some advice and I want to try to be as objective as can be. I posted this here because most of the posters on this forum seem to be caring, active grandparents and I'd like some honest feedback. If there's anything needing clarification, let me know. Thank you in advance.
Background information:
My husband is an only child from a small town in the midwest. His mother got pregnant with him at 18 and his parents "had" to get married. It wasn't a good situation and most of my husband's memories of his parents together are turbulent. His biological father died when he was four and his mother remarried when he was five but he calls and treats his step-father as his father. He didn't grow up with a lot of money and was a latchkey child. My husband went to college (his parents lived in the same town he attended college in), moved across the country and did not sleep in his parents home again until 10 years later (when he brought me home to meet them). He called his parents every Sunday night and visited once or twice a year. They visited him twice in five years. This family relationship is what my husband sees as normal. Therefore when we began dating, he found my close-knit (a bit overwhelming, nosy and in-your-face) family a bit too much. It has always been difficult to meet in the middle.
Fast forward to having children: His parents were very excited to be grandparents. They even flew in on the night I had our first child. We visited them when our first daughter was three months old and again when she was six months old. They came for her first birthday. We continued to see them three times a year. We visited them while I was pregnant with our third daughter and it was a very strange trip. There had been some odd ocurrences with my milaw on other occassions (ordering dinner that we all agreed on and then she decides she wants something else and we have to alter the arrangements or she would just get up in the middle of a conversation and leave the room or ask me the same uncomfortable questions over and over again) but this trip she told my 20 month old and 3 year old that she loved them more than their mommy and daddy did (my husband and I were in the next room and overheard her). It was strange and upsetting (there was more to it than that--another example is that soon after this we asked to borrow her car and she claimed we couldn't take it because she was concerned that she had personal papers in the back seat and she didn't want us reading them--and then we offered to remove them or have her remove them so we could use the car). We came to the realization that we're trying to form a relationship with her when there isn't one and it's very uncomfortable. My filaw doesn't see anything wrong in his wife's strange behavior.
Since this visit, the relationship is very strained. They make no effort toward their four grandchildren. They do not call our children on a regular basis. And when they do talk to them, they only have interest in talking to our oldest daughter. The only time our kids talk to them is if we make the effort to call them. If they're not home, our kids leave a message but the call isn't returned. We see them once a year -- they visit and stay in a hotel for three days. I should also mention that they call the girls on their birthdays and send them a generic FTD floral arrangement (my children are 6,4,2,1--they have no interest in flowers). In addition - we have no information on my husband's biological father and she says doesn't care to talk about him. We finally figured out that one of our children looks like him(we had to ask one of my husband's mother's sisters). Our daughter was having heart problems and we found out that she has a genetic condition. Um, my milaw has the same condition and never mentioned it. It's like pulling teeth to get her to share relevant medical information --she thinks it's none of our business.
We have come to the realization that we can't make his parents be something they're not. They are basically strangers to us that share DNA. We continue to have the surface relationship with them. We have the girls call them for their birthdays and holidays. Besides that, we don't really want to go out of the way anymore. We both had active grandparents in our lives but that is not the case for our children. Is it okay to give up? Am I acting in the best interests of my children or does it seem like we're following our own agenda?
Dont give up. The sudden withdrawal of attention by your kids grandparents suggests that all of the story [family history] has not been revealed to you. The answer may lie in the answer to the question of why the grandparents favor the older child. If for no other reason, you need to maintain contact so you can have access to medical historys
I wouldn't give up them too quickly, hon, because you need your h biological fathers health history for the sake of your little girl..This is just my thoughts since I don't know first hand who your mil is or any of her life experiences are. Since her "change" seemed to come on rather quickly has me wondering about the many forms of dementia, or even early alzheimers sympotoms..It may be worth a personal talk between your h and his step dad about his mom's strange behavior..Please keep us informed, because we really care.
I wouldn't give up them too quickly, hon, because you need your h biological fathers health history for the sake of your little girl..This is just my thoughts since I don't know first hand who your mil is or any of her life experiences are. Since her "change" seemed to come on rather quickly has me wondering about the many forms of dementia, or even early alzheimers sympotoms..It may be worth a personal talk between your h and his step dad about his mom's strange behavior..Please keep us informed, because we really care.
I too am thinking the mil is suffering some sort of dementia. How old is she? Naturally you do not have to be very old to come down with Altzheimers. It is a sad situation. I am afraid there are too many of us that have disfunctional families.
I am of the opinion that if you get lemons...make lemonade. Sorry, I am afraid that is of no help.
Not defending your mil, but I know my parents and in-laws have offered to take my oldest without the younger one for summer visits. They have told me that they don't feel comfortable overnight without me with a child that needs to be taken care of. My 8 year old can make himself cereal and won't get into their stuff if he wakes earlier than they do. He can bathe himself and knows how to call 911. My 5 year old isn't as dependable or independent yet. (My son was capable of those things at a younger age too - the curse of the oldest child).
The flowers could be that she forgets their birthdays (Could be a memory thing) or plans poorly. Flowers can be delivered within hours of ordering. Cards and gifts take days at best.
My mil is ... well. I've decided to treat her as she treats us. She doesn't send me cards, so I don't send her cards. If "her son" wants to remember her birthday, then he will. I do remind him to have the kids call her to thank her for the gifts she sends them, but if he's out of town, she has to wait til he returns. Last time she was nasty to me and accused me of keeping her from her son and grandkids, I told her that I was "out of it" and she could deal directly with and exclusively with my dh. It's been 2 1/2 years... she hasn't seen the kids since. I handle all correspondence with every other family member both of us have... she's the ONLY one they haven't seen in those 2 1/2 years. She doesn't bother trying and my dh doesn't really want to try either. Not my problem. My kids have plenty of grandparents who care and want to have a relationship with them... without the baggage!
this trip she told my 20 month old and 3 year old that she loved them more than their mommy and daddy did (my husband and I were in the next room and overheard her).
Your children need to be protected from these people.
If you're here, looking for someone to give you permission, you have mine. Anyone who told my children something like this, would not be allowed to try to warp their minds and emotions a second time.
This sort of manipulation is not something you should expose your children to; it's very unhealthy. I'm surprised you would even want your children around these strange people. JMHO
Thanks so much for the responses. It's nice to get some outside insights.
My mother in law turned 58 this week. She is a very determined career woman who used to own her own tax business but now works for a major employer in the midwest, managing their tax dept. Her career is her life. She very rarely holds a conversation that surround something besides her career.
Dementia or early alzheimer's could be possibilities but I believe that my mil is suffering from manic depression. She's very up and down. (And I see these same symptoms in my husband) We don't have the kind of relationship where we can ask her these questions. When my husband talked to his father about the situation, he was told that my mil's behavior was "normal" and he didn't know what we were talking about. There's some kind of denial going on and lots and lots of family baggage.
The majority of this behavior (ignoring our children, disinterest, etc.) began after our trip there three years ago--my husband confronted his father about the behavior. We're guessing that his father told his mother about the conversation and now she doesn't speak to either of us. When they talk to the children, my fil does all the talking (punishing the kids too) but you can hear her breathing on the other line, listening. The flowers that I mentioned are a new thing (before they would ask for recommendations and buy an age-appropriate gift that my girls would be interested in). I guess she thinks she's punishing us by punishing our kids? When they do visit us, she doesn't speak to us the entire visit. Everything is done through my fil. Dinner consists of all of us sitting at the table trying to force a conversation with them. My mil doesn't make eye contact or speak during the meal and my fil doesn't talk much to begin with. It's fun!
How very very strange. Makes you wonder why they even bother? Sorry dear. You seem to be doing the right thing. The children will do what they need to do as they get older. You cannot protect them from being hurt by this behavior or to even be able to answer when they ask "WHY?" but you can be there for them when they need you.
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) We don't have the kind of relationship where we can ask her these questions. When my husband talked to his father about the situation, he was told that my mil's behavior was "normal" and he didn't know what we were talking about. There's some kind of denial going on and lots and lots of family baggage. 
