Mentally disabled child: what would you do? (Amish, compared, selfishness)
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The OP's post may seem harsh to some, but there nothing unreasonable about his questions.
A woman at my place of employment gave birth to a baby born with spinal bifida, which was not known before then -- either the ultra-sound couldn't show it or she chose not to have one. She did not leave the hospital with her baby. She did not feel that she could deal with it, so she gave it up immediately for adoption. Both sides of the family were outraged. She never returned to work. After time had passed I had the chance to ask someone how she was doing, and was told that she never regretted her decision.
However, many people who have children with Down's Syndrome love them as they are, as most are very loving children and I think they would still keep their children if they had to do it all over again. Worst worry for them is how the kids would be taken care of when both parents are gone.
Not everyone has the emotional strength to deal with children with disabilities.
The OP's post may seem harsh to some, but there nothing unreasonable about his questions.
A woman at my place of employment gave birth to a baby born with spinal bifida, which was not known before then -- either the ultra-sound couldn't show it or she chose not to have one. She did not leave the hospital with her baby. She did not feel that she could deal with it, so she gave it up immediately for adoption. Both sides of the family were outraged. She never returned to work. After time had passed I had the chance to ask someone how she was doing, and was told that she never regretted her decision.
However, many people who have children with Down's Syndrome love them as they are, as most are very loving children and I think they would still keep their children if they had to do it all over again. Worst worry for them is how the kids would be taken care of when both parents are gone.
Not everyone has the emotional strength to deal with children with disabilities.
Exactly. Some people have a family history of mental illness and disabilities. It's better to give up the baby for adoption to someone who will maybe love it and take care of it. It has a chance.If OP or another knows that they are not the type to deal with special needs it's better either to NOT HAVE KIDS or give them up for adoption if you see it's disabled.Again, some disabilities are mild and others are so severe that living with that child is hell. Some people choose to have certain lifestyle and special needs child will not allow for that. Nothing wrong with giving up the child. You're not throwing it off the cliff like they did in ancient Sparta, Greece, when they saw something wrong with the child. You're giving it up.
The thing is, unless you know prior to giving birth that a child has a disability, you get what you get--there's no guarantee even if your child is born healthy that the child will always remain so. And there are a whole host of invisible disabilities that aren't known for years. People can make an educated decision prior to birth, particularly if the child has a life threatening disability (i.e. child will live for a week, etc), but beyond that, even if you leave the hospital with a "normal" child that "normal" only lasts as long as the child continues to fit the definition of "normal." If you have a child you have to be prepared for the unknown. Autism, mental health, intellectual disabilities, later accidents, brain traumas, CP, etc. are not "known" when you leave the hospital. Don't have kids if you aren't prepared to deal with the unknown. And when it happens you deal with it because it's your child.
Exactly what I was thinking. The OP shouldn't have children. There are never any guarantees. You could raise a "normal" child that turns out to be selfish and mean. Would you rather have that? You have to be ready with unconditional love to be a parent.
I think adoption is a great option, obviously, but what about if they child is older, do you simply still give the child up? So, I'm asking does age matter? Costs and time would be the same.
OP seems to have an issue with "mentally" disabled having basically singled them out. Physically disabled children can also be very limiting, costly and "inconvenient" to the parents. OK, I know, a lot of people are really repelled by people with developmental disabilities and this appears to be the case with the OP.
I knew a girl who was in an auto accident when she was 17. She was a quadriplegic after the accident. Her parents didn't give her up for adoption or put her in foster care. So, in this case, would some parents just say they couldn't handle it or since she was not "mentally disabled" would it be all right. I am just not getting this.
As I said, my son functions at the pre-school level in the body of a 28 year old. And, that sweet and cuddly description of Down syndrome doesn't apply anymore to everyone with Down syndrome as they are just like everyone else in that they are not all the same. My son obviously didn't get that information.
I believe that life begins at conception, that all people have value and that personal responsibility is becoming a lost art.
OP said "leaving at the hospital" after noticing there was something wrong with the newborn. And now people are talking about teens and older disabled adults being given up. OP's question was very specific and is being taken way out of context. Yes, he's repelled by people with developmental disabilities.Is it nice? No. But he's being very frank. He's talking about a situation that does actually happen.Some mothers leave their disabled children at the hospital.Sometimes it's the father who insists that this be done in some cultures.This goes on quite a lot, especially in other countries. Group homes, institutions and adoption agencies are overflowing with cases. Their waiting lists are years and years long.Miles long. It's a reality that happens quite a lot. Some people shouldn't be parents.It's best to admit that before someone gets pregnant and an unwanted (disabled) baby is born.
OP, its very unlikely that you will know what your baby's IQ will be right after birth. Problems usually start to show around 2. This is usually enough time for parents to bond with their children.
Also, when talking about the "mentally disabled" (god, I hate that euphemism) there is a loooong spectrum from mild dyslexia all the way to pulling your own eyeballs out. The latter category is not what most people think of when they post answers to these types of Q's here. I do because Ive worked with such kids and know I could never do it 24/7/365 if it was my kid.
There's too much shame in society for acknowledging this weakness in ourselves. The conversations automatically lean to the happy "high functioning" children and their associated "awareness groups" PR campaign.
So honest conversations are nearly impossible. You are labeled a monster if you would "get rid of your kid" for any reason. And of course there are the obligatory parental posts, uusually from parents of the higher functioning, exposing their achievements and scolding those who are not as emotionally strong as them.
OP said "leaving at the hospital" after noticing there was something wrong with the newborn. And now people are talking about teens and older disabled adults being given up. OP's question was very specific and is being taken way out of context. Yes, he's repelled by people with developmental disabilities.Is it nice? No. But he's being very frank. He's talking about a situation that does actually happen.Some mothers leave their disabled children at the hospital.Sometimes it's the father who insists that this be done in some cultures.This goes on quite a lot, especially in other countries. Group homes, institutions and adoption agencies are overflowing with cases. Their waiting lists are years and years long. Miles long. It's a reality that happens quite a lot. Some people shouldn't be parents.It's best to admit that before someone gets pregnant and an unwanted (disabled) baby is born.
Actually, as has been mentioned previously in this thread, there is a long list of people waiting to adopt American children with Down syndrome, often people who already are parents to a "homegrown" child with DS. After looking at that long waiting list, many people wanting to adopt kids with DS have turned to international adoption, which is also complex but which can be a shorter procedure.
Sadly, it is true that in other countries, particularly those in the developing world, children with both physical and developmental special needs are often given up at birth by their biological parents, sometimes in hopes that their child will have a better life with adoptive parents. However, far too often, such children wind up warehoused in bleak institutions, regardless of their functional level and potential, although many countries are attempting to change and rectify their orphanage/institutional systems. Lack of resources, both financial and human, often makes positive change extremely difficult and slow. A tremendous loss of human skills and potential is the result.
For many people "becoming something in life" doesn't mean having lots of money or some job which gives your parents bragging rights at the golf club. Most of us actually value the people our children become, if they're interesting, kind, or happy. So, IQ doesn't factor into it. i would be most interested in if they are capable of being kind or bringing joy into the world or experiencing joy themselves.
Of course I'd have some kind of meltdown over the long term care requirements, but not over me not getting to brag that they've made lots of money.
I have a sister with spina bifida. She functions at a high enough level that she is not only productive to society (at a lesser rate, but still net positive), but also a great and enjoyable person to be around. However, as you move down the spectrum to the worse cases, the story changes.
Most of the disappointments don't come from parents of children, but parents of adults with spina bifida. The common theme is after countless hours and sacrifices (often marriages with disabled kids end up in divorce and there are issues with siblings receiving less parenting time than they should have), the adult with spina bifida does not take even the slightest effort to take care of themselves. Many times they have bladder failures because they don't take the effort to catheterize and go to the bathroom and their personal hygiene is very very lacking. Despite the countless hours sacrificed on them, they can't do the little amount of work it takes to even take care of themselves. It really is horribly depressing.
It is not an obvious decision and no the correct answer is not always the parent should suck up and deal with it.
Mild disabilities can be seen as a challenge to overcome with a positive result (and these stories are so awesome!) but severe special needs are often a case of ugly and difficult ethical decisions where caretaking of them comes at the expense of others in the family and society.
I feel the mindset of the OP show he has a serious disability....the inability to to feel and think of others. Very narcissistic in his view and opinions regarding others, to include his own potential child (an "I could not cope" statement vs "I wont give up my vacation surrounded by beautiful women in bikini" statement he made is what I base my statement on). OP, do the world (and yourself) a HUGE favor and get a vasectomy as quickly as possible. People with your "special needs" of a "meaningful" lifestyle are NOT fit to be parents of any child....issues or perfectly healthy. Hopefully, your gene pool ends with your self absorbed thoughts. Then your concerns are moot.
Last edited by Paka; 08-09-2015 at 01:42 AM..
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