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Why is it that everyone always throws the response of, "If you don't have children or get married, you will be lonely when you grow older." This comment is always made towards young women but never to men.
What makes people think that all women want to be married with children (which I personally see as a ball and chain), and even worse - that they want to have children? The thought of having children makes me shiver because it is too much of a responsibility that I never wanted.
Also, why is "growing old and alone" a subject for women to fear, but never directed at men? Not even gay men are told that.
Here's what I think:
1. This is to put pressure on women into thinking they need a man and babies to be happy
2. Men can only feel like men if and only if women are dependent on them
3. Men who make these types of videos on YouTube fear that they are losing control over women
Also, what makes people think that if they have a family, that they will never be lonely? Seriously, this is why people cheat, divorce, and/or never visit their parents after their parents age.
A friend of mine in her 50's had the perfect husband and child. Her husband recently died of a sudden heart attack and her son is now going off to college. Now she's complaining about being lonely. Meanwhile, I'm not. I never that those losses.
Why is it that everyone always throws the response of, "If you don't have children or get married, you will be lonely when you grow older." This comment is always made towards young women but never to men.
What makes people think that all women want to be married with children (which I personally see as a ball and chain), and even worse - that they want to have children? The thought of having children makes me shiver because it is too much of a responsibility that I never wanted.
Also, why is "growing old and alone" a subject for women to fear, but never directed at men? Not even gay men are told that.
Here's what I think:
1. This is to put pressure on women into thinking they need a man and babies to be happy
2. Men can only feel like men if and only if women are dependent on them
3. Men who make these types of videos on YouTube fear that they are losing control over women
Also, what makes people think that if they have a family, that they will never be lonely? Seriously, this is why people cheat, divorce, and/or never visit their parents after their parents age.
A friend of mine in her 50's had the perfect husband and child. Her husband recently died of a sudden heart attack and her son is now going off to college. Now she's complaining about being lonely. Meanwhile, I'm not. I never that those losses.
The other thing that doesn't make sense about this claim, is that women tend to be better at building supportive social networks than men are. My Great Aunt was widowed in her 60s and had no kids. She did a lot of volunteerism and philanthropy and was super friendly with her neighbors. She had a much younger neighbor that she cultivated a close friendship with, who agreed to be her POA and to handle her estate stuff, so when she developed dementia, the neighbor was able to step in and handle everything pretty easily.
We can't assume that our spouse will stay or outlive us, and we can't assume that our kids will care for us...but we can make connections that have nothing to do with that.
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It's unfair to make such a generalization, though it will be true in some cases. I have a younger sister for example for whom that fits, never had a spouse or kids and died lonely (though not that old). Getting married can keep away loneliness as long as your spouse is still alive when you get old. Having kids often means having grandkids, even great grandkids, and they can help you from being lonely if they care to visit you and keep in touch. That's a lot of "ifs", with no guarantees.
Why is it that everyone always throws the response of, "If you don't have children or get married, you will be lonely when you grow older." This comment is always made towards young women but never to men.
What makes people think that all women want to be married with children (which I personally see as a ball and chain), and even worse - that they want to have children? The thought of having children makes me shiver because it is too much of a responsibility that I never wanted.
Here's what I think:
1. This is to put pressure on women into thinking they need a man and babies to be happy
2. Men can only feel like men if and only if women are dependent on them
3. Men who make these types of videos on YouTube fear that they are losing control over women
....
Overall, it's part of the same old discrimination and misogyny that we know so well.
1. Religion plays a role here as most of them preach that men are the head of the household and relegate women to a supporting role; barefoot and pregnant. Churches preach 'be fruitful and multiply' and/or their usual marriage vows includes words like 'accept children willingly from God' which I recall when my sister married a Catholic man in 1972.
2. Many men are raised to think of themselves as the provider and protector of "the little lady." One of my beliefs is that in middle age, when many women hit full stride as self-actualized persons, it can make a man feel small, like he's no longer needed, so he divorces his wife and marries a woman half his age so he can be the senior partner again and be in control. How many millions of times have we seen this dynamic play out. I've been around plenty of these middle-aged women who got kicked to the curb and a lot of them are flat out world beaters whose friendship I treasure.
3. Again, I see a religious aspect to men who fear losing control over women. The best example I see are people in the middle east whose religious dictates force women to cover themselves from head to toe, are not allowed to drive, not even allowed to leave the home unless accompanied by a male family member. I cannot imagine living like that; I bet there's an ocean of anger bubbling inside millions of those women.
All this old nonsense fails to work now when the vast majority of couples need two incomes to survive.
Over the years we've had many threads, in multiple forums, mostly started by women who are fed up with being told they're selfish if they don't have children. We shot the hell out of that old pack of lies. Use of the search tool will find them.
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Why is it that everyone always throws the response of, "If you don't have children or get married, you will be lonely when you grow older." This comment is always made towards young women but never to men.
What makes people think that all women want to be married with children (which I personally see as a ball and chain), and even worse - that they want to have children? The thought of having children makes me shiver because it is too much of a responsibility that I never wanted.
Also, why is "growing old and alone" a subject for women to fear, but never directed at men? Not even gay men are told that.
Here's what I think:
1. This is to put pressure on women into thinking they need a man and babies to be happy
2. Men can only feel like men if and only if women are dependent on them
3. Men who make these types of videos on YouTube fear that they are losing control over women
Also, what makes people think that if they have a family, that they will never be lonely? Seriously, this is why people cheat, divorce, and/or never visit their parents after their parents age.
A friend of mine in her 50's had the perfect husband and child. Her husband recently died of a sudden heart attack and her son is now going off to college. Now she's complaining about being lonely. Meanwhile, I'm not. I never that those losses.
It's sort of an old fashioned belief. Back in the day when women's career opportunities were considered subordinate to men, women who remained single probably did have a much harder time. Society looked down upon them as "old maids". No woman aspired to be an old maid.
Now it's 2023, things have changed. Remaining single is a legitimate choice. Not having children is a legitimate choice. They have their careers, their work associates, friends, social activities and hobbies that they enjoy doing.
A married woman who has, in the meantime, focused her life on raising a family with her husband would absolutely feel a bit lost if her husband suddenly died and her only child went away to college. Her life would be turned upside down because the focus of her world has very suddenly changed. That doesn't mean that she's doomed to be alone and sad forever.
It's sort of an old fashioned belief. Back in the day when women's career opportunities were considered subordinate to men, women who remained single probably did have a much harder time. Society looked down upon them as "old maids". No woman aspired to be an old maid.
Now it's 2023, things have changed. Remaining single is a legitimate choice. Not having children is a legitimate choice. They have their careers, their work associates, friends, social activities and hobbies that they enjoy doing.
A married woman who has, in the meantime, focused her life on raising a family with her husband would absolutely feel a bit lost if her husband suddenly died and her only child went away to college. Her life would be turned upside down because the focus of her world has very suddenly changed. That doesn't mean that she's doomed to be alone and sad forever.
Mm...I dunno. I mean, we have a view of the past that I don't think is always accurate. At least not entirely.
My Great Aunt, silent gen lady, passed away in 2012. I mentioned her earlier. She had no kids and by the point her husband passed, I think she was kind of glad. He had her feeling pretty caged. Once he was gone, she really blossomed as a person, she traveled the world and did a lot of volunteer work and was so smart and dynamic. She changed lives.
My husband's maternal grandmother, was divorced THREE TIMES. This is a woman who was...whatever the parents of silent gen were. I dunno. A young adult in the 1930s. She had one child, my husband's mother. But her one child married and went away, and eventually she stopped trying with men (after "bad luck with husbands" as everyone put it...spendthrifts, drunks, gamblers and abusers...) and when she was very old she did not have family living in the same city. Though they did travel to see her sometimes, they weren't part of her day to day life really. But you know what she did? She somehow managed to get "troubled girls" (teens) to come and work for her, and she mentored them. She'd had a career, she'd been very politically active, forever writing letters to various elected officials, she was an investor. She even had a radio show at one point!
Even "back in the old times" there were women who were doing things with their lives besides cooking and cleaning and child care. And most of the women of those generations that I know of, whether they had kids or not, had a lot more going on by the time they were old. They had careers (my grandma, silent gen, was a barber and business owner.) Poking through my husband's family's records I keep finding stories of these women who did big things with their lives. One of them pushed a hand cart with a group of Mormons traveling across the country to settle in Utah. One of them ran a luxury resort almost single-handedly.
Honestly I'm starting to think that women were DOING plenty of things, besides even the pretty demanding task of taking care of the kids and household, with our lives, all along....it's just that we were not getting any credit for it.
And yet, social media is awash with videos of women ugly crying about how lonely and depressed they are for buying into the 'strong independent' narrative pushed by the feminist fanatics.
Some women are ok with being old and alone, but citing the small exceptions does not negate the sheer numbers that are piling up.
There seems to be a mounting push back, by women, which provides a glimmer of hope for more traditional family relationships.
Biologically we exist to have children and women in particular to bear children. Some people feel they have evolved past such biological directives and people who embrace those directives can't understand it so they judge.
I don't think this is as sexist as you think it is. It is a reality that often women live longer than men so there are more old widows than old widowers, but I think the possibility is a real issue for older people of either gender if they have no family or friends nearby. It's not a "threat" necessarily, but a "fear". And both women and men risk being alone and without help or support as they get older, especially if they have no close relatives or children.
I guess I would ask why you feel it's a threat. If you don't fear getting old and needing help with anything, good for you. Many of the rest of us who are past our prime are dealing with diminishing health or fitness or stamina and it can be lonely and scary to be alone.
Just today, my hubby and I helped an older neighbor who lost her husband last year and wanted to see a doctor. We took her in to Urgent care to have her issue checked out. She could have driven herself, probably, she could have called an ambulance, but I think she thought it was nice to have some support and a friendly ride there. She has kids, but they are a long ways away. If she didn't have us close by, would she or her kids think it might be time to move closer? Maybe.
I think it becomes important to people as they age, to have some kind of support network, whether family or friends or paid staff at a facility. My grandmother wanted to stay in her home as long as possible, but she feared falling or becoming sick and not having anyone find her for for days. I think our older neighbor friend is probably having those same fears.
Friends are good, but sometimes friends can drift apart as lives change. They are for fair weather and fun times, not long illnesses or unpleasant tasks. Family seems more "obligated" to stand by us. I sat with my parents both, as they died, who will be there for my hubby and I? That's part of what I think I missed out on, not having kids. It's not a threat, it's a real thing.
Perhaps you feel pressured or threatened by it. I think that means you're young yet. Wait til some of the signs of age come in, or you see what happens to elder relatives as they grow older with or without family nearby. Then maybe it will seem like wisdom to have a support network, not an offense to suggest we all need one.
Last edited by Diana Holbrook; 12-07-2023 at 06:24 PM..
Definitely, pushing women who don't want them to have children is rude and a terrible idea anyway.
I think young women get these comments more often than men because, after all, men have a wider window to change their minds and decide they want to have a family after all. Men don't really have to worry about it until they are over 40; at that age, single men are highly desirable. But by the time a single woman is over 35, the chances that she will find a single man who wants kids and is interested in marrying someone her age are pretty slim; she'll be competing with women ten years younger and more fertile than her.
Not that everyone wants or should have a family, or that not having a spouse/child dooms someone to being lonely, but if a woman thinks it's even a possibility that she might want kids, she should get serious about that sooner rather than later. And again, I think some of those comments that seem pushy are coming from people who mean well and mention the "lonely" aspect because it seems less rude than "you're getting up there and running out of time."
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