Dealing with deceased person's stuff

[Jeromeville]

My dad died in April and left behind three bank accounts, three vehicles, and a trailer. He didn't own any property and lived a seasonal existence where he shuttled back and forth winter and summer staying with friends or relatives. So his van and trailer contain everything he owned, which wasn't much. My sister and I are weeks into the task of sorting through, throwing away, donating to Goodwill, etc.

Two things:

1) I had a decent relationship with my dad but my sister did not. I spent a lot of time with him and she did not. I'm finding that my sister keeps urging me to hang on to certain items of sentimental value, when I really don't wish to - I have the memories, I don't need to keep the objects, particularly when they are worn out or not usable. "Don't throw it away - you'll be sorry!" No, I'm pretty sure I won't be. I generally take these items home and wash them properly in preparation for giving them to Goodwill (and that's my way of saying goodbye to them), but I just don't feel it's necessary to keep them. I wish she would stop telling me to keep them, but I don't want to offend her or make a scene.

the more serious thing is 2)...

2) I am becoming mentally overwhelmed by the consciousness of all the belongings and junk that my parents (and elderly aunt also) have collected which I will be responsible for getting rid of when the time comes (because they never ever think ahead about who's going to have to throw out these things). Furthermore, I come home and look around my place and now see only junk and objects (of my own) to be thrown away (not things I love or enjoy). I feel like I need to throw away everything and that every second of my day should be spent weeding and tossing and shredding my own stuff, when I'm not throwing out my dad's stuff. I find it hard to relax. I don't have any help (other than my sister with my dad's things) and probably won't have any help when my other relatives die. I feel like I am going to be throwing things away all day every day until I drop dead.

Making matters worse, I have a job at an library where we are now just doing nothing but throwing away old items to repurpose the space -- books, periodicals, scrap metal, desks, bookshelves, furniture -- my whole job has become arranging for these things to be taken away and it's getting deeply depressing when combined with my life circumstances right now.

Has anyone else been through this burden/obsession with throwing away obsolete things after a death in the family? I feel like I'm drowning in stuff, not just my dad's but also my own and all the stuff my other relatives have collected (and they don't even think about cleaning their own messes up). Everything looks junky and old, nothing is enjoyable any more. I feel like I just want to throw out the whole world. Does it get better?

[Mr. Boring]

When my parents finally had to move into a board an care, I (only child) gave away must of their stuff (furniture for example). The rest I tossed into a dumpster. They had boxes of photos which I sent to VDOCS for scanning. "Stuff" is either personal or it isn't.
(Interesting side note: I came across my mom's first husband's (not my dad) dog tags and German POW dog tags and used the internet and census records to locate his family and send them to him as they meant nothing to me.)
If you have the time and interest, our parents may have really old stuff collectors might be interested in: tools, cameras, maps, etc. Ebay those things.

[athena53]

I highly recommend the book "Rightsizing your life" by Ciji Ware; it's a little more practical than "Tidying Up", with a lot of suggestions on where to recycle, repurpose, etc. She's very good at addressing the emotional issues as well, and suggests that for large collections of something you take a few pieces you particularly treasure and get rid of the others. DH and I downsized in 2014 and went through a lot of it then.

My favorite tactic, even though it's a bit slow, is to list things as Free Stuff on Craigslist, put it at the end of the driveway, tell them first-come first-serve, and you'll delete the ad when it's gone. Sometimes the first person to arrive will take a bunch of totally disparate things you listed separately, but they're gone. You can make this work to your advantage. I had a bunch of assorted glassware and ash trays and listed them. No takers. I listed a turntable, a filing cabinet and put out the glassware, too. One person took it all.

DH died in late 2016 and I'm still getting rid of some of his things- will never let go of all of them, of course. The gin and brandy he liked had been sitting in our pantry for ages (including 3 mini-bottles of Bombay Sapphire) and I listed THOSE as Free Stuff. I'm a wine and scotch drinker so they weren't doing anyone any good. They were gone in less than an hour.

And you can resolve to find one or two things to throw out every day. I found THREE bottles of light corn syrup, one unopened. Two got pitched.

BTW, whatever your sister insists on keeping- give it to her and let HER store it.

[K12144]

It gets better. You're very overwhelmed right now. Everyone who's been there felt the same. My mom luckily only had an apartment, not a whole house, but the flip side is that I only had two weeks to clean it out. A lot of stuff went to the thrift store that I possibly could have sold and gotten some money out of, or found a good home for, had I had time, but I just didn't. (The upside to it was that I was panicked and that drove me to be ruthless, as I had absolutely no room to fit extra stuff into my small apartment, so I didn't get stuck with boxes of stuff I "just couldn't stand to get rid of.")

There's a lot going on for you right now. Finish cleaning out his house, and then give yourself a rest for a while. It's true that in future you may choose to downsize some of your own belongings and encourage other relatives to do the same, but don't even worry about that right now.

[tamiznluv]

Been there, done that. Mom died in '92, Dad left in '04. Only 4 things that I can recall were taken out of the house in '92. Dad had 12 more years to collect. When hubby and I went up into the attic...I nearly fainted! Not only their stuff but my mother's parents stuff! Mom's stuff included so much of my stuff too!!

There were bits of hand soap wrapped up, small amounts of whatever in small bottles from everyone's Depression days. An un-opened bottle of liquid Lysol from the '60s under the kitchen sink! Just hoarded of stuff.

Both my parents died unexpectedly on me and I am an only child. I didn't cope too well. I was angry with Dad for dying because he wouldn't listen to me about keeping hydrated. Hubby rented a dumpster and I threw everything away. Everything. Furniture too.

[Teacher Terry]

Fortunately my parents weren’t hoarders. My mom knew she was dying so got rid of a bunch of stuff herself. We sold the furniture and cars. The rest went to thrift stores if we didn’t want it. I have downsized our stuff.

[Madmom2000]

First, my sympathies on the passing of your father. Your sister may be regretting her lack of involvement and her response of "keep everything" may be some sort of defense mechanism? "You had the relationship and I did not so don't have any regrets about throwing away certain items". Like maybe she has some regrets? I'm not a Psychologist so I don't know. I just think that even though you both are grieving the same person you are both handling it differently. Plus there's the male/female way of looking at things that is often so different.


That said your father passed in April and even though you've made your peace and said your goodbyes (maybe even before he passed) it still takes time. I always felt that grief was "one foot forward and two steps back". The feeling of being overwhelmed doesn't help in that you are literally going through things both at home and at work. You never get a break! So that's going to be my suggestion. While you can't take a break at work (unless you can step away and work in another department. "I'll shelve the book drop for you") you can at home. The items at home are finite. This purging process IS going to end even though it might not seem like it. You're not on a timetable with your father's belongings, unless you are and everything needs to be out on a certain date so the property can be sold. Or that you only have your sister's help for a certain amount of time? Regardless, take a break. Go to a movie. Take an evening walk along a greenway. Go out with friends. It's not the refrigerator you're sorting so nothing is perishable. Good luck to you and to use one of my mom's favorite sayings, "This too shall pass."

[turkeydance]

"Has anyone else been through this burden/obsession with throwing away obsolete things after a death in the family?"
yes.
"Does it get better?"
yes. much better.

story:
both of wife's parents died in the 2016-2018 years.
my Daddy died years ago, and my Mama is in a nursing home.
i had a long post, but deleted most of it, since it comes down to 3 things:

1. if you look at it, and you cannot use it, donate it or trash it.
2. if you look at it, and smile, keep it...at least for while.
3. if you can handle this in "stages", it will help you.

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by turkeydance

"Has anyone else been through this burden/obsession with throwing away obsolete things after a death in the family?"
yes.
"Does it get better?"
yes. much better.

story:
both of wife's parents died in the 2016-2018 years.
my Daddy died years ago, and my Mama is in a nursing home.
i had a long post, but deleted most of it, since it comes down to 3 things:

1. if you look at it, and you cannot use it, donate it or trash it.
2. if you look at it, and smile, keep it...at least for while.
3. if you can handle this in "stages", it will help you.

Well said.

I am part of a widow/widowers grief support group. There is quite a lot of variation on how difficult getting rid of "stuff" can be. Some widow/widowers do not touch anything (including things like shampoo, soap, food in the refrigerator, clothes) for months or even a year or more. While most go through it over weeks or months.

Most people did it in stages. First got rid of the obvious trash (broken items, underwear, stained clothes). Then tackled the rest sorting it into Keep or Donate/Goodwill or Trash. And, it is OK to save too many things right away and then go through them again in a couple of weeks or months.

IMHO, it is less difficult for a child to go though their parents things than for a spouse to go through their partners things

When my last parent died my siblings and I got rid of a lot of things/divided things within a week of the death as we were all together to discuss and decide. The rest of the downsizing took two years (as we all lived out of town and my father had lived in the house for his entire life - 80 years).

BTW, I agree that your sister may be encouraging you to keep many things because she feels guilty that she did not have as good a relationship with Dad as you did.

[Ultrarunner]

Everyone is different and that said should not impose their belief on others...

I have seen it at both extremes...

Adults fighting over artificial silk flowers in a $5 vase... to out of town kids telling me to dispose of all of it without even setting foot in the home...

As a property manager for many years it just comes with the territory...

Sometimes it is generational and other times it is just a preference...

The one thing that everyone seems interested in is bank and brokerage accounts...

One of my long-term tenants passed away... her two kids lived in Florida… when she passed I let them know and they said there is nothing they wanted... not a single thing... a few phone calls and it was all gone...

One of my best friends many years my senior passed away... he had one child who was now retired... my friend had a nice modest home... the son never did come out... told me the only thing he wanted was his father's military medals and citations... everything fit into one box...

I listed the home for him and cleared it out and the proceeds went to him...