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Lately I've noticed that I have a general numbness towards tragedy. I have always been slightly numb towards "pain" as far as I can remember.
Since I was around 14, without going into too much detail, I've had a pretty tragic life (compared to most people I really know). There was divorce, domestic violence, suicide threats, infidelity, money problems, depression, up until I was around 21 involved in my life. I also dated emotionally abusive men in my past.
Fast forward now, my stepmom (as I've said here before) died in September of cancer. I was extremely anxious up until her death, and finally when she passed, shocked, and now I'm kind of numb to it really. Some nights I cry nonstop because I miss her, as well as mourning the death of my fathers true love. My father is very important to me, again, without going into too much detail.
What I'm saying is, I've ALWAYS been kind of indifferent to tragedy. I've read up on this and also been to therapy, I've been told that since I have had so much pain in my life, I kind of defend myself by just not allowing myself to feel it.
It makes it awkward in social situations where people ask me about my stepmothers death, and want to talk about how tragic it is and how awful things are now, how she didn't deserve this, etc. I AGREE that this is awful, and God no she did not deserve this. However, the way I see it, I was extremely lucky to have had this woman in my life (since I was 5), and my father is a better man having loved her. I miss her like hell, however, I don't mope around because I know it's not what she'd want, and honestly I really love my life. My family is strong and wonderful, and we miss her, but we are all happy. People seem to be confused at this. I guess I never understood why it's an issue that I feel numb to feeling sad all the time. It's exhausting, and I feel like I was done being sad.
Even when I was going through depression in HS-College, I was never bothered by my "numb" feelings. Has anyone else ever felt this way, and do you see anything inherently wrong with it? It's almost as if I look to the positive immediately. For example, when those poor children were killed in CT, I wasn't able to cry. I think it was an awful thing, and I hope I never have to live it. However, I feel almost wrong that I couldn't cry about it. I had several friends come to me and talk about it who were almost angry that I kept bringing up how hopefully this will bring people closer together and have some serious talks about mental health instead of being extremely upset.
Is something wrong with me?
Sorry, I'm ranty and venting. If anyone has any questions or just wants to vent with me, please feel free.
Lately I've noticed that I have a general numbness towards tragedy. I have always been slightly numb towards "pain" as far as I can remember.
Since I was around 14, without going into too much detail, I've had a pretty tragic life (compared to most people I really know). There was divorce, domestic violence, suicide threats, infidelity, money problems, depression, up until I was around 21 involved in my life. I also dated emotionally abusive men in my past.
Fast forward now, my stepmom (as I've said here before) died in September of cancer. I was extremely anxious up until her death, and finally when she passed, shocked, and now I'm kind of numb to it really. Some nights I cry nonstop because I miss her, as well as mourning the death of my fathers true love. My father is very important to me, again, without going into too much detail.
What I'm saying is, I've ALWAYS been kind of indifferent to tragedy. I've read up on this and also been to therapy, I've been told that since I have had so much pain in my life, I kind of defend myself by just not allowing myself to feel it.
It makes it awkward in social situations where people ask me about my stepmothers death, and want to talk about how tragic it is and how awful things are now, how she didn't deserve this, etc. I AGREE that this is awful, and God no she did not deserve this. However, the way I see it, I was extremely lucky to have had this woman in my life (since I was 5), and my father is a better man having loved her. I miss her like hell, however, I don't mope around because I know it's not what she'd want, and honestly I really love my life. My family is strong and wonderful, and we miss her, but we are all happy. People seem to be confused at this. I guess I never understood why it's an issue that I feel numb to feeling sad all the time. It's exhausting, and I feel like I was done being sad.
Even when I was going through depression in HS-College, I was never bothered by my "numb" feelings. Has anyone else ever felt this way, and do you see anything inherently wrong with it? It's almost as if I look to the positive immediately. For example, when those poor children were killed in CT, I wasn't able to cry. I think it was an awful thing, and I hope I never have to live it. However, I feel almost wrong that I couldn't cry about it. I had several friends come to me and talk about it who were almost angry that I kept bringing up how hopefully this will bring people closer together and have some serious talks about mental health instead of being extremely upset.
Is something wrong with me?
Sorry, I'm ranty and venting. If anyone has any questions or just wants to vent with me, please feel free.
Hi, imw. I'm actually a little jealous of you being able to numb yourself to some of the pain you have experienced. I wish I could stop feeling so much pain for things at times. Sure would be nice to not hurt as much as my heart does for things.
I like the philosophy you have about your step-mom. IMO that is a good, healthy attitude. I also like your attitude about Sandy Hook.
Just because you don't wear your heart on your sleeve doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you IMO.
If you were feeling numb, you wouldn't be crying nonstop.
It sounds to me as if you've simply put your feelings in a compartment in your mind during the day as a way to cope. There's nothing wrong with that. It's a survivor instinct.
If you were feeling numb, you wouldn't be crying nonstop.
It sounds to me as if you've simply put your feelings in a compartment in your mind during the day as a way to cope. There's nothing wrong with that. It's a survivor instinct.
That's actually a really good point you bring up, I probably worded that wrong.
I also mean to say that in general, tragedy just doesn't bother me. Her death has been the one thing that does bother me from time to time, hence why I brought up Sandy Hook shootings and just general news stories. Also, when something awful happens to a good friend, I don't get to the depth of compassion I feel I should. But I have a compelling urge to help cheer them up. If that makes sense.
It doesn't bother me, was just seeing if anyone else commonly feels this way about tragedy unrelated to themselves. A part of me sees it as selfish, but I know I'm not. I think I just lost that ability to feel the pain of others over the years.
Imw..I think we're all in different "places" at different times when it comes to how we feel about things...Sometimes I talk about my husband and sons in "happy ways." I'm focused on all the wonderful times we shared together and I can be pretty "upbeat!"...At other times I might feel sad and depressed about losing them...All in all I tend to be a "look on the bright side" kind of person too...But I don't want to "play pollyanna" when I'm around people who need to deal with their sadness and grief...And I don't like it if someone keeps telling me to smile and "be happy" when I really need to cry and cry at the time. (Most of all.)...I try to "play it by ear" in the way I respond to others..I try to remind myself that everyone "isn't me" or just "like me" when it comes to their emotional state...And I can sure go on "emotional roller coaster rides" myself at times..But I'm a "bright side" kind of person and don't like to stay "down" for too, too long...I'm sure your stepmom is looking down and feeling very proud of you! Thanks for sharing your story. I agree. I don't think our loved ones want us to suffer and suffer and be miserable forever...But sometimes it takes awhile to work through all aspects of our grief. This is how I feel anyway.
Imw..I think we're all in different "places" at different times when it comes to how we feel about things...Sometimes I talk about my husband and sons in "happy ways." I'm focused on all the wonderful times we shared together and I can be pretty "upbeat!"...At other times I might feel sad and depressed about losing them...All in all I tend to be a "look on the bright side" kind of person too...But I don't want to "play pollyanna" when I'm around people who need to deal with their sadness and grief...And I don't like it if someone keeps telling me to smile and "be happy" when I really need to cry and cry at the time. (Most of all.)...I try to "play it by ear" in the way I respond to others..I try to remind myself that everyone "isn't me" or just "like me" when it comes to their emotional state...And I can sure go on "emotional roller coaster rides" myself at times..But I'm a "bright side" kind of person and don't like to stay "down" for too, too long...I'm sure your stepmom is looking down and feeling very proud of you! Thanks for sharing your story. I agree. I don't think our loved ones want us to suffer and suffer and be miserable forever...But sometimes it takes awhile to work through all aspects of our grief. This is how I feel anyway.
I agree CArizona. I never knew how fragile my emotions really were until I lost Jim. I have been/still am on that emotional roller coaster ride. It has gotten a little better, but my mind is still very aware of everything and everyone around me.
And you're right, I don't think our loved ones would want us to be sad. Jim and I talked about that very thing, he told me he wanted me to move on with my life and be happy. He told one of my best friends that he worried that I would be all alone with no one to love me or take care of me. Of course, saying he would want me to move on and actually moving on are two different things, right?
I know when/if the time is right, and I am to find happiness again, it will happen. I am not looking for anyone else, but I trust that God has my future all worked out and will take care of me.
I agree CArizona. I never knew how fragile my emotions really were until I lost Jim. I have been/still am on that emotional roller coaster ride. It has gotten a little better, but my mind is still very aware of everything and everyone around me.
And you're right, I don't think our loved ones would want us to be sad. Jim and I talked about that very thing, he told me he wanted me to move on with my life and be happy. He told one of my best friends that he worried that I would be all alone with no one to love me or take care of me. Of course, saying he would want me to move on and actually moving on are two different things, right?
I know when/if the time is right, and I am to find happiness again, it will happen. I am not looking for anyone else, but I trust that God has my future all worked out and will take care of me.
One day at a time.......
tngirl
The bolded got me to thinking, tn. You and I were blessed to have been able to talk with Jim and Earl about this subject before they died. They were able to tell us what they felt and gave us their blessings. Earl did the same as Jim, told my bf his feelings and thoughts about me. His worst fear was leaving me alone and that I wouldn't/couldn't care for myself if my MS acted up real bad like it has in the past. So far so good.
I think maybe that both of our husbands would also so be okay with us NOT "moving on", ie. finding another lover. As long as we are not in constant pain and do not "crave" another, if we are content in the lives we are carving out for ourselves, I just know they wanted only for us to be happy and content with ourselves. THAT is my new definition of "moving on". With that definition in mind, I think I have "moved on" and Earl would be very pleased with me. He loved me with all his heart and would not have wanted me to suffer as I suffered in the begining. Same for Jim and you. No matter what, they knew what was and still is in our hearts.
tngirl...My husband and I didn't talk much about his dying...He remained active right up until the end and was never bedridden..Guess we were both in denial because he was so active and did all of his normal things...My son insisted we talk about the possibility of his death one time...He seemed to have peace about it but it was sure hard for me. He didn't try to talk me out of my feelings and he felt sad too...I've always been such a "positive thinker" it's hard for me to have these kinds of talks...I'm like the "little engine" climbing up the hill who never wants to give up or accept defeat..I have another cat on the brink of death now but he doesn't want to give up yet even though he's frail and probably a little senile...He takes pride in "acting normal" despite everything. (Most of the time anyway.)..And this is how my husband and son acted too...But we can't really "cheat death." One day our time comes and we just have to go...I'm trying to treasure my last moments with my cat..I know his days are "numbered." But right now we both enjoy acting as "normal" as possible with each other...It's sure hard to lose so many loved ones in a row. I'm starting to feel like I'm "jinxed!" As if "death" has become my new middle name...YUK!
Lately I've noticed that I have a general numbness towards tragedy. I have always been slightly numb towards "pain" as far as I can remember.
Since I was around 14, without going into too much detail, I've had a pretty tragic life (compared to most people I really know). There was divorce, domestic violence, suicide threats, infidelity, money problems, depression, up until I was around 21 involved in my life. I also dated emotionally abusive men in my past.
Fast forward now, my stepmom (as I've said here before) died in September of cancer. I was extremely anxious up until her death, and finally when she passed, shocked, and now I'm kind of numb to it really. Some nights I cry nonstop because I miss her, as well as mourning the death of my fathers true love. My father is very important to me, again, without going into too much detail.
What I'm saying is, I've ALWAYS been kind of indifferent to tragedy. I've read up on this and also been to therapy, I've been told that since I have had so much pain in my life, I kind of defend myself by just not allowing myself to feel it.
It makes it awkward in social situations where people ask me about my stepmothers death, and want to talk about how tragic it is and how awful things are now, how she didn't deserve this, etc. I AGREE that this is awful, and God no she did not deserve this. However, the way I see it, I was extremely lucky to have had this woman in my life (since I was 5), and my father is a better man having loved her. I miss her like hell, however, I don't mope around because I know it's not what she'd want, and honestly I really love my life. My family is strong and wonderful, and we miss her, but we are all happy. People seem to be confused at this. I guess I never understood why it's an issue that I feel numb to feeling sad all the time. It's exhausting, and I feel like I was done being sad.
Even when I was going through depression in HS-College, I was never bothered by my "numb" feelings. Has anyone else ever felt this way, and do you see anything inherently wrong with it? It's almost as if I look to the positive immediately. For example, when those poor children were killed in CT, I wasn't able to cry. I think it was an awful thing, and I hope I never have to live it. However, I feel almost wrong that I couldn't cry about it. I had several friends come to me and talk about it who were almost angry that I kept bringing up how hopefully this will bring people closer together and have some serious talks about mental health instead of being extremely upset.
Is something wrong with me?
Sorry, I'm ranty and venting. If anyone has any questions or just wants to vent with me, please feel free.
You sound very well-adjusted to me in your handling of your stepmom's loss. You are sad about it, but you do not spend every waking minute being sad about it. You cry when freshly reminded of the loss, but can genuinely feel appreciation for the woman's life and her role in your's and your loved one's lives...
What is wrong with that? I think you sound awesome.
My mom passed away in September as well, she lived with me and my husband (and father) these past 4 years due to some physical issues, so it wasn't just that it was my mom, but that I saw her every single day for the past 4 years...
I was terribly saddened by her death. I still cry occasionally for a few seconds (can't help it) when I am doing something that reminds me especially of her.
But 99.9% of the time, I am fine. My dad (married to her for 56 years) is much the same way.
Just because you're functioning fine and enjoying your life as it now exists doesn't minimize how much you love(d) her.
You sound very well-adjusted to me in your handling of your stepmom's loss. You are sad about it, but you do not spend every waking minute being sad about it. You cry when freshly reminded of the loss, but can genuinely feel appreciation for the woman's life and her role in your's and your loved one's lives...
What is wrong with that? I think you sound awesome.
My mom passed away in September as well, she lived with me and my husband (and father) these past 4 years due to some physical issues, so it wasn't just that it was my mom, but that I saw her every single day for the past 4 years...
I was terribly saddened by her death. I still cry occasionally for a few seconds (can't help it) when I am doing something that reminds me especially of her.
But 99.9% of the time, I am fine. My dad (married to her for 56 years) is much the same way.
Just because you're functioning fine and enjoying your life as it now exists doesn't minimize how much you love(d) her.
My sympathies, Briolat. (((hugs)))
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