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It's normal to feel this way sweetie, ups and downs are part of the process. Company is good, but you also need your time alone. One step at a time, as always.
Sorry I haven't been there these past couple of days, lots of things going on (good things, don't worry!).
Big hugs
Happy to hear you are doing "good" things Sudcaro. Sounds like things are going so much better there!
This grief thing is a lot more involved then I would have ever imagined. I have never felt such a loss of control over myself and my emotions. I'm suppose to go to lunch today with Hospice but I almost feel like not going and just going to bed...I won't but that is how I feel. I may not go to the lunch but I won't go to bed....I have to do some listing. And if my friend comes when she was thinking about coming I only have a couple of weeks to get the guest room cleared out---that is where I just put all of those Christmas decorations. I feel like I just keep moving things from one room to another. UGH! It's quite cold here today with some wind so will try to keep warm and have lots to do inside. Have a lovely day everyone.
Yes I did enjoy a nice Mexican lunch today. I have been having a lot of anxiety and second thoughts about having my friend fly from CA at this point and time.....I fear I would be looking for someone to replace my DH and to do the things he always did--and just here to take care of me. I'm just trying to be honest with her and myself. Her time here should be an enjoyable time for us both and a time to do things "together" not to take care of me. So I have decided I rushed into this decision and it is not being fair to her and even not for me as I really need this time to find me. Yes, I am lonely but I need to work on going out and doing things and not rely on someone like my friend to come here and make everything right.....it won't work. She understood and even agreed....we both felt the same so we are putting this visit/stay on the back burner and for now I am going to take care of things that need to get done here and with myself. I have a counselor to see on Monday, and lots of listings to get done. My house is horrible so that has to be a part of what needs to be done. I need to rearrange things so I have storage room. It's here but things have to be changed around. One room--one closet--one shelf--something each day. If I have someone here I will want them to take over and in reality I need to take over my life right now and then she can come and we can visit and enjoy each other. I need to feel more comfortable with the decisions I make.....
Yes I did enjoy a nice Mexican lunch today. I have been having a lot of anxiety and second thoughts about having my friend fly from CA at this point and time.....I fear I would be looking for someone to replace my DH and to do the things he always did--and just here to take care of me. I'm just trying to be honest with her and myself. Her time here should be an enjoyable time for us both and a time to do things "together" not to take care of me. So I have decided I rushed into this decision and it is not being fair to her and even not for me as I really need this time to find me. Yes, I am lonely but I need to work on going out and doing things and not rely on someone like my friend to come here and make everything right.....it won't work. She understood and even agreed....we both felt the same so we are putting this visit/stay on the back burner and for now I am going to take care of things that need to get done here and with myself. I have a counselor to see on Monday, and lots of listings to get done. My house is horrible so that has to be a part of what needs to be done. I need to rearrange things so I have storage room. It's here but things have to be changed around. One room--one closet--one shelf--something each day. If I have someone here I will want them to take over and in reality I need to take over my life right now and then she can come and we can visit and enjoy each other. I need to feel more comfortable with the decisions I make.....
Cyn, you're one smart, wise intuitive lady, that's for sure. Your grief from your very recent loss of your life's partner, and having to adjust to life without him colors your perspective no matter what you do, and of course you can only control those feelings just so much, no matter what you do. I guess there's no getting around having to go through that process, as hard as it is on you, it seems like it would sure be nice to be able to take a break from it some so you could soothe your aching heart and psyche, although even at that you'd know it's not far from you, at this point anyway.
You're so smart, though, to know the best things to do right now, and which things are better off waiting for a while, and following through doing what you need to do and not just giving into your emotions, when that would be so easy to do. And I thank G-d that your friend understands just as you do, and when you do get together, it'll be a special time for both of you.
And true enough, we get to where we need to be one step at a time, and I wish you comfort and solace as you take your steps. You'll get there, dear lady, when the time is right for you.
Cyn, i am glad you enjoyed the lunch. if not for an extended stay, can your friend visit you for say a week and see how things go? Perhaps you do need a break. Is it the cost of the tickets you guys are worried about?
Maila, the tickets cost is something to consider but more importantly is the reasons for my even considering having her come now. It's not fair to her. She wants to come and help of course but she does not want to be my caregiver and I don't want that either. I've never been alone and I am having a hard time accepting the responsibilities that go along with that not to mention the lonely and sad feelings. I need to find myself right now. As much as I hate it it is a reality. I have no idea who I am anymore. I'm scared to death, it's all so new to me--but I do need to do it. The day my DH passed away I came home alone. But honestly that is what I wanted. I need my time I guess. I'm not curling up in a ball and staying in bed or sitting in a closet although it really is a struggle for me to leave the house but I do it because I know I have to. Every single day is a struggle......but no one can do this for me sadly so I am trying ever so hard to do the right things. Just coming here helps a ton. A place where I can unload and not feel criticized or critiqued about my decisions and feelings. Not that everyone agrees with me but you are all very gentle and comforting and I feel so comfortable here. This place is my sanctuary.
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