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First of all, I am so sorry about your friend's sudden and unexpected death. Having been through a similar situation (unexplained, unexpected death of a friend) it is head-spinning. There is no way to explain the dysfunction we experience at such times -- it is, simply put, overwhelming.
I am very surprised, also, to find out that there isn't a group that takes over responsibility for providing food after the funeral. Traditions do vary depending on community/region of country and even church to church. Here in the South, there are both informal and formal traditions. Informally, friends (which will typically include church family, too) will bring food to the family's home and any gathering of family will be at the deceased's home after the funeral. However, I have seen that tradition changing over the last 15 or so years.
In many cases, the funeral home/director coordinates an after-service gathering, either at the church fellowship hall or at the funeral home (if they have such a space) or in some other designated gathering area. Some churches are now charging for a reception following the service. Some funeral directors are arranging for food to be catered. It all depends on the situation and the community itself and the budget the family designates for such a gathering.
Since I grew up in a closely knit community, I was taken back when I realized that in many areas of the country, folks are no longer gathering at the deceased's home or in the fellowship hall, with refreshments (or a complete meal or buffet) provided by the the family's church. I was told that many people are not active church members and it became a real financial burden on the church's volunteers to provide meals for members who were not active in the church. I had never even considered this.
The most recent funeral I attended was about 6 weeks ago and I noticed that the couples serving the food all appeared to be over 65, so I am assuming they were retired. I also wonder if it is hard to get volunteers to agree to provide food for such a gathering because so many people are working. If one group is consistently expected to ante up out of their own pockets and then stand there and serve, clean up afterwards, I can see how this would also get to be a problem. It may be some churches reimburse for the cost of the food, but that has to vary a lot, too, since many churches are either in the red or barely running in the black.
In my own church, the women's groups do potlucks and have a very systematic rotation for such duties, so no one group ends up always being responsible for cooking, serving and clean up.
Again, I am so sorry to hear of your friend's death. It is probably too late for this suggestion to be meaningful, but I would suggest you and your friends consider pooling $$$ and having the gathering catered so that no one misses the funeral while engaging in preparations. The other suggestion would be to order platters/trays from a local grocery store and have them delivered.
I'm hoping someone can give me perspective here...I'm in a bit of a fog.
A close friend passed away suddenly over the weekend. The cause isn't understood and we are waiting on an autopsy. This is obviously so difficult for the spouse, children, family, close friends...everyone. The family belongs to a very large church and I assumed a hospitality group from there would take care of the reception following the service. However, I received a text asking me to help with the reception and how much dip do I think will be needed? The person who sent it also is a good friend and I am shocked she is doing this. We should be contemplating and celebrating the life of a friend, not deciding how many little sandwiches are needed. This is what hospitality groups are for, and I don't attend this church, but I know they have a small army of people who do stuff like this.
I told my friend I would, of course, do whatever is needed. However, I also told her how I feel about taking care of this reception and I am sure I have offended her. Feelings with everyone are very sensitive at the moment.
Am I wrong? I am usually a very practical and level headed person, but at the moment, I am not sure I am thinking straight. To the observer, I probably look fine, but I am making silly mistakes, not able to complete basic tasks properly and I think this must be shock.
Thank you for your help.
Cdarocks,
I'm very sorry for the unexpected, untimely loss of your dear friend. I know your focus has been on comforting the surviving family members, which speaks volumes about you as a caring person and friend. I hope you've taken of yourself in the process too. Or perhaps others have noticed your grief and done something kind for you to let you deal with your losses well.
It sounds like many people had better and richer lives because your recently deceased friend was a part of their lives, including yours. Indeed the focus should be on the one lost and the surviving family and friends.
Being really honest, grief is hard enough when you wonder how you can make it through a day or sometimes even an hour. Anytime there is an autopsy it complicates the process as plans for the date and time of the service sometimes can't be decided for several days.
We all cope with grief differently and I'm thinking perhaps your other friend, "the organizer," coped with her feelings by planning a meal for the family after the service. She may have had experience with this previously or simply didn't think she could contact other friends to talk about who was gone without having a "valid reason."
What I find sad is you and your friend weren't able to share your feelings, memories and tears at the passing of someone highly regarded by many.
I don't think anyone wants you to miss the service. Food is usually made ahead of time and stored in the refrigerators. If there is a burial, some will stay behind to set the food out, warm it up etc. so it's ready for the family and invited friends.
I want to vouch for tamizluv. She and about three others here were absolute pillars of support for me about 16 months ago when I lost someone significant in my life. She is actually someone I'm quite fond of given experiences she's shared with me. It looks like she jumped in when you were both typing. Tami knows a lot about grief and about learning to live again after losing her deeply loved husband.
Cdarocks, please update us when you know more. Meanwhile, there are experts in this forum about books, music and more that may comfort you. Embrace your grief. It speaks to how much you cherished the friend you recently lost.
Spouse and children should be doing this. Its only a few calls to a caterer. The pastor of the church should of told them about their procedures, list of approved caterers, etc. By the way I have never had " snacks" after a funeral, always a full meal.
I don't think you should get involved if you don't want to. Just because your friend is one of those that like to jump in doesn't mean that you have to follow her. I would tell her no, that I am attending the service. Did she even ask the family if they are planning anything?
If people can drive for hours to pay their respects I think the least the family can do is feed them. It is a chance to see people that you may not see too often. Setting up the after funeral is good for the spouse and children. And I don't go for this "in shock" bs. This is days later. I have been to many, many funerals, and planned funerals and no one was in shock and incapable of greeting people, making arrangements, and whatever else needed to be done. Maybe that is just an excuse not to put out a few bucks for food and drinks.
I don't know why the poster that admitted they were lacking in the "how to" of funerals would even weigh in on this subject.
The service was tonight with well over 700 people in attendance.
Once I got over that there wasn't a church team to take care of the reception arrangements, my friend and I took it on and made it happen. In the end, it was exactly the right situation. I wouldn't have had it any other way. No one else could have provided something that was the perfect representation of our friend than those who knew and loved her best.
How grateful I am to have known such a wonderful person.
Spouse and children should be doing this. Its only a few calls to a caterer. The pastor of the church should of told them about their procedures, list of approved caterers, etc. By the way I have never had " snacks" after a funeral, always a full meal.
I don't think you should get involved if you don't want to. Just because your friend is one of those that like to jump in doesn't mean that you have to follow her. I would tell her no, that I am attending the service. Did she even ask the family if they are planning anything?
If people can drive for hours to pay their respects I think the least the family can do is feed them. It is a chance to see people that you may not see too often. Setting up the after funeral is good for the spouse and children. And I don't go for this "in shock" bs. This is days later. I have been to many, many funerals, and planned funerals and no one was in shock and incapable of greeting people, making arrangements, and whatever else needed to be done. Maybe that is just an excuse not to put out a few bucks for food and drinks.
I don't know why the poster that admitted they were lacking in the "how to" of funerals would even weigh in on this subject.
Because I had opinions about the subject, that's why.
I have never heard of "full meals" being served after a funeral.
Spouse and children should be doing this. Its only a few calls to a caterer. The pastor of the church should of told them about their procedures, list of approved caterers, etc. By the way I have never had " snacks" after a funeral, always a full meal.
Setting up the after funeral is good for the spouse and children. And I don't go for this "in shock" bs. Maybe that is just an excuse not to put out a few bucks for food and drinks.
I'm struggling with how to pay for the funeral, I'm sure as hell not calling a damn caterer.
I've been to some funerals where the church took care of everything, but my father didn't belong to a church. I've been to lots of funerals where there was no "reception" because they couldn't afford it. Maybe you belong to some high-society group with folks who can afford all that mess, but I assure you I am not, nor did my family or his friends expect it.
Have you ever been the spouse or the child? I seriously doubt it.
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
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I have never been to a funeral that had caterers or full meals. My grandfather was a minister, so when he and his wife died, the church ladies took care of everything, but no sit-down meals.
The funerals I've been to for my in-laws, my parents and my husband were all relaxed, casual affairs. My in-laws had their services in their church, and then a reception put together by their friends in the church. The Ladies Auxiliary put it together and did all the set up and clean up. So no cost to us.
When my parents died, they didn't belong to a church, so we had the services in the mortuary chapel (they died a few months apart) and their friends and the people in their clubs (bridge, jazz band, etc) brought food to the mortuary and after the service we adjourned to an ante-room where my dad's jazz band played (for both of their services), and there were hors d'oeurves, tea sandwiches, tea, coffee, lemonade, cookies, brownies, etc., made by the club members, but no full meals, so again, no cost to us.
When my husband died, we had a reception at the funeral home but no service (he didn't want one), so it was more a gathering of friends, colleagues, clients, other attorneys, judges, and people he did business with for a celebration of life. I was totally numb, on auto-pilot and in shock, so the wives of some of his clients and other attorneys in town made the food (no catering), so we had sub sandwiches, chips, dips, veggie trays, fruit trays and tea, coffee and juice. They did a great job. They had asked me what kind of food I thought would be to Bob's liking, and what would go well for a 4:30 p.m. service, so my kids and I, and Bob's sister suggested the foods, and the ladies were wonderful about it. They did everything, including providing music cd's of his favorite artists, getting a slide show made and enlarging family photographs to decorate the hall. It was very touching and beautiful, and all put together by our friend's wives. For a guy who wanted no obit (but got one anyway) and no service (but got one anyway), he'd have approved. It was more like a cocktail party without the cocktails with people mingling, meeting each other for the first time, business cards exchanged, stories told about Bob from his childhood friends, and about him by his college friends, and by his colleagues in town. It was wonderful too, that several old friends of his and mine flew in from out of state, which made it more special.
I think if friends and family can work together, a very nice, after service reception can be done by either church ladies, or club wives (if they were in clubs), or friends and family. The services don't need to be expensive if others are willing to chip in and provide food, plates, silverware, glasses, napkins, etc.....creativity can pull off a very nice reception....
The service was tonight with well over 700 people in attendance.
Once I got over that there wasn't a church team to take care of the reception arrangements, my friend and I took it on and made it happen. In the end, it was exactly the right situation. I wouldn't have had it any other way. No one else could have provided something that was the perfect representation of our friend than those who knew and loved her best.
How grateful I am to have known such a wonderful person.
I am so glad that you all stepped in.
This has really brought up some questions for me to ask of others within the church to find out how folks are handling these types of situations and to make sure assistance is there so that friends of the family can participate in the funeral and with the family afterwards.
However, it sounds like whatever you worked out - it went well and I am relieved it did.
Again, I am so sorry to hear about your dear friend's passing.
I have never heard of "full meals" being served after a funeral.
It's common in Polish-American communities. Food at the viewing and a sit-down meal, in a nice restaurant, after the funeral.
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I'm So Sorry for Your Loss
