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Hello, long post ahead...
I just lost one of my oldest friend, we had known each other for 20 years, we grew up together (I am 25). I hadn't seen him in like 5 years because life... But he was still my brother's best friend.
In itself, the loss is already big and I am sad constantly. I am not unfamiliar with loss so I think I am coping well.
The thing is, that friend who died, he had a brother. I was really close with his brother, I also grew up with him. We were kind of sex buddies at some point, but the same, we lost touched about 5 years ago. Yet, I've loved him since I was 14. Our "relationship" wasn't known to other people, because my brother is really protective and we didn't want to create any fuss. We never really talked about whether it was just fun or something more. On and off for several years (when I was 14-20), we would talk and then not talk for some time (months, a year or 2) and then we would find each other again. When I learned his brother died (who was also my friend), I contacted him to say how sorry I was, went to see the corpse of my friend to say goodbye, showed up to the funeral and the church, and I have been back to the cemetery almost every day. He died 2 weeks ago. He was burried last tuesday (so 4 days ago).
I have messaged the brother before the funeral and he answered to me (told him I was next to his place and could pop by, told him I was there for him), etc... But I saw him for the first when I went to see my friend's corpse and at the funeral. Each time a lot of people were there, but twice we hugged.
This was just to set the context. I have no romantic intentions towards him, I know he just had a huge loss, I just want to be there for him. We are part of a big group of friends who grew up together (30 people), so a lot of other people are also there for him. Yet, we are also all grieving the loss of our friend.
How can I be present for the remaining brother ? I have messaged him twice since the funeral, on different days (asked how he was sleeping, but got no answer. also asked if he had still family with him at home, knowing that he lives with his parents but relatives came for the funeral; also asked if i could clean up the dead flowers at the cemetery on his brother's grave, but no answer). Should I keep messaging him to show support, knowing that he might not answer but he at least knows I am around ? Should I stop and give him space ? I started to walk my dog in his neighborhood every night, I let him know that he could join me anytime (that was before the funeral, and he actually answered back them, but hasn't joined yet).
I asked my other friends and nobody has heard from him since the funeral. The others were closer to him those last few years, but none of them have the history we have.
I guess my question is what should I do ? I want to be here for him, but i dont' want him to feel pressured or overwhelmed.
I am also grieving and it is hard for me to stay there, doing nothing. At home, I just think and can't concentrate, and that's why i go see my friend's grave everyday. It helps. I feel at peace there. I talk to him.
Handling both thing at the same time is kind of hard, knowing that I also live with my toddler and his father (he didnt want to hear anything about my dead friend, but that's another story)...
You've let him know that you care and share his loss. He knows how to reach you if/when he's ready to reach out. You can't force him into responding. He may have a lot of family business to take care of right now. People grieve in different ways. Not everyone will have the energy or motivation to keep responding to all these messages. I'd give him space and let him make the next move. You need to understand that part of your need to connect is to process your own grief, not just to ease his.
Last edited by Parnassia; 04-10-2021 at 02:00 PM..
I second Parnassia's post and can't say much more than what she so-welled communicated. You've done what is appropriate to let him know you are there if he needs you. I think anything more may border on inappropriate, perhaps. As she said, everyone grieves differently; for some reason, he just may not have the strength to reach out to you yet.
When my husband passed away, I had a ton of people reach out to me to express their sympathy. I did not respond to everyone because I just did not have the energy. They understood and respected my silence. They wanted to express their sympathy for my sake and realized that if I did not respond, it was nothing personal toward them.
I'd give him space and let him make the next move. You need to understand that part of your need to connect is to process your own grief, not just to ease his.
You've both had an impact on your lives (re:this death) Being there for him & also
giving him some space are both good.
As Parnassia has said you need to process your own grief,too.
I second Parnassia's post and can't say much more than what she so-welled communicated. You've done what is appropriate to let him know you are there if he needs you. I think anything more may border on inappropriate, perhaps. As she said, everyone grieves differently; for some reason, he just may not have the strength to reach out to you yet.
When my husband passed away, I had a ton of people reach out to me to express their sympathy. I did not respond to everyone because I just did not have the energy. They understood and respected my silence. They wanted to express their sympathy for my sake and realized that if I did not respond, it was nothing personal toward them.
This!
I'll add that I didn't even send out thank you cards. It was just too much. I know, I'm probably going to hell, or at least purgatory, for that oversight. There were HUNDREDS of people to thank. After the funeral, I went into my room and laid down for a bit and when I came back out, my entire dining room and living room were filled with flowers and plants and all that, that the funeral home had brought over. It was daunting. They couldn't donate them like they usually would because of the pandemic, so they brought them to the house. Between all those plants and flowers, all the calls and visits and cards, and all the FOOD people brought for two weeks (it was great but nearly overwhelming), I just couldn't do it. Like you said, I just didn't have the energy.
OP, you've done all you can without overstepping. I agree that you need to process your own grief.
Sorry for your loss. Let him be for now. He will respond when he's ready Give him time to work on his own grief as well as yours.
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