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I had a beautiful friend pass away three years ago at 37. Tragically she had struggled with cancer that returned after being in remission for a few years. She went within 6 weeks of her cancer returning.
She was an exceptional human being and touched a lot of lives. She left a husband, two sisters and many friends. I am lucky to count myself among the friends. But it's my fellow grieving friends that I have questions about.
At first we were all immobilized by this passing but over time we have moved on in different ways. One woman who I will call Mary seems to be obsessed with our friends passing. She writes constantly about it on her blog and has a book in the works. She asks us for details about things like how our friend used to slice fruit, what song she sang on a specific vacation, what dress she was wearing to a dinner ten years ago. She's desperate to remember everything. And we try to give her our memories but three years on, it is getting no better.
Each year since her passing Mary has organized a trip to somewhere we all talked about going on the deceased's birthday. Next year it's an overseas venture. I have gone on a few of these but have to stop. They are frankly depressing for everyone except Mary and this one coming up is very costly and time consuming.
The siblings and husband of the deceased have confided to me and a few others that they are getting alarmed at how Mary's grief seems to be growing instead if healing. No one wants to go on this trip. No one wants to keep commenting on everything Mary posts. We don't want to forget our beloved friend but time has allowed us to start coming to terms with the loss.
I know that everyone has different grieving styles but any advice on how to deal with Mary going forward? We are all concerned that she will feel very alienated if we tell her how we are feeling. She doesn't seem very stable.
Maybe you (and others) could say something like "Mary...I just can't keep rehashing all the details all the time. It's too painful. I loved our friend, and I miss her too...but I just can't keep it so fresh all the time. Please...let's talk about something different right now."
If she insists on talking about her, maybe say "Mary, I'm concerned for you. Maybe you should talk to a grief counselor."
And maybe (I'm just kind of thinking off the top of my head) if you DO suggest a grief counselor, maybe have a specific place to suggest. Like, where I live, a couple of the big churches and the hospitals have grief support groups...so maybe give her a specific setting, a phone number, etc. MAYBE even offer to attend a meeting with her once or twice.
What you describe, barring information we do not know, doesn't appear to be grief, but obsessive behavior. Mary would do well to seek professional help, and as her friends you may want to consider not feeding the obsession and focusing instead on other parts of Mary's life.
What you describe, barring information we do not know, doesn't appear to be grief, but obsessive behavior. Mary would do well to seek professional help, and as her friends you may want to consider not feeding the obsession and focusing instead on other parts of Mary's life.
I do really feel that way at times. But I know that everyone processes these feelings differently. I don't want to judge but I do think it's a little strange. If our friends husband was doing this it might make more sense.
this is HER way of Grieving....which is not time stamped. Just because the Friend Expired....doesn't mean the memories do.
I'd rather be remembered in gesture then forgotten in words....
This Friend is deserving of her time to progress in her WAY of dealing.... Where I think most are daunted is her constant reminders. Not sure when or HOW folks are to "move" Along and simply say...gosh Im so over that "death/grief".
I'm six years and still grieving the lost of my parent....I utter rarely to others about it. Why....? Most have the attitude of "get over it girly!". I still though have my spot in my house where my parents table is...lined with her life tokens....Her RN Degree placard, Her rosery, A family photo of us. So yes I grieve to this day. Its become depressingly quiet.... So take it from a person on the other end of the spectrum. Let the gestures at least comfort the person....
this is HER way of Grieving....which is not time stamped. Just because the Friend Expired....doesn't mean the memories do.
I'd rather be remembered in gesture then forgotten in words....
This Friend is deserving of her time to progress in her WAY of dealing.... Where I think most are daunted is her constant reminders. Not sure when or HOW folks are to "move" Along and simply say...gosh Im so over that "death/grief".
I'm six years and still grieving the lost of my parent....I utter rarely to others about it. Why....? Most have the attitude of "get over it girly!". I still though have my spot in my house where my parents table is...lined with her life tokens....Her RN Degree placard, Her rosery, A family photo of us. So yes I grieve to this day. Its become depressingly quiet.... So take it from a person on the other end of the spectrum. Let the gestures at least comfort the person....
I understand that this is her style. I think what is becoming a problem increasingly is her need to involve everyone in this. The trips each year are a prime example. The first year it made sense as her husband was spending her birthday by himself for the first time and her passing was fresh. We went somewhere that was not far away that reminded us of our friend and we remembered her. Over the next few years the trips have become bigger and more depressing. Most of the invited groups have kids and commitments and can't take the time annually to spend a week crying in a vacation spot. Mary also has a young child and husband. Neither of them go with her. Her daughter cries at the mention of our friend and is afraid of death (she's 8). Mary talks about this a lot; how her daughter is also mourning and mourns with her. Our friend loved all the kids in our circle but was not particularly close to Mary's daughter as they didn't live nearby. I am sure Mary's daughter misses her but I do think she is mirroring her mom's behavior more than anything.
One of the family members of the deceased stopped commenting on Marys blog and told me that she finds her level of grief difficult to deal with at this juncture. I worry about Mary.
Our friends husband has joked that Mary might harm him if he starts dating. We don't think he's truly joking. I don't know what she would do.
I agree with Harry that this sounds obsessive. True, we all have our own ways of grieving. But normal grief can at times become excessive, maladjusted or obsessive. If someone, three years after the loss, is having her normal life activities interrupted by her grieving, if she is not able to return to "normal" living, then I think she will need professional help. All of us continue to grieve on some level - recalling memories and missing the person during activities they loved, etc. But these thoughts should not keep us from carrying on with normal life experiences and socialization.
My best friend's husband was killed in an automobile accident 10 years ago. It was a shock to all of us, particularly since he had beaten cancer a couple of years before his untimely death. It was hard for all of us, but (and rightly so) more so for my friend.
For the five years following his passing, she seemed obsessed with her grief. It was all she could talk about. Whenever I saw her, she would hug me and whisper in my ear "He's not coming back." They had been together for 35 years, and for him to suddenly be gone left her lost and confused. Her life revolved around her grief, and it got to the point where it was difficult to be around her. I love her very much, but I had no idea how to comfort her. I am sure I let her down in many ways, and I still feel bad about it.
Then she reconnected with her first boyfriend from high school, and she started to come out of her mourning at last. I totally agree that we all grieve differently. Sometimes another person's grief is and length of mourning is hard to understand, but each person has to work through it the way they need to. That doesn't mean that everyone around them has to join in. Maybe you can explain this to Mary. That although you understand she is still grieving, you are in a different place in your grieving process, and that needs to be respected as well.
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