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Ugh. A little over two months. Honestly, the first three months were the most difficult for me. And of course those three months held a lot of important anniversaries and firsts - the holidays, his birthday, our anniversary, etc. But I think I started to realize that the entire first YEAR was going to be a long series of "firsts without him." And then of course there's every year after that.
I was working on my taxes yesterday and that was very difficult because of the sudden drop in all activity (and income) in late August. Ugh. And I was going through receipts which of course brought back memories. Heck, the whole thing brought back memories. I had to stop after a couple of hours. I'm seriously thinking about filing an extension this year.
Anyway, another thing that has struck me, and not in a good way, is that grief is not linear. We don't just gradually get better - it can and does sneak up behind us and gobsmack us sometimes when we least expect it.
I have found that I am more prone to grief on cloudy, cold days and of course that's what we have right now. I really do feel better when I can get out and about and the sun is shining. So I am looking forward to spring.
I think people expect too much from those of us who are grieving. Now - I don't think it's beneficial to wear black for a year, or the other long, extended grief stuff of the 19th century for example. But I do think that more people should understand the long term grieving process. It's not like people won't go through it themselves one day - MOST people will.
My daughter told my granddaughter that she thinks I'm still grieving. And I AM still grieving. It doesn't take up my whole day or anything like that, but for instance, last night I cried a bit after I got into bed, alone again. I am sad off and on throughout the day. And this is AFTER I have accepted that he's gone, AFTER months of grief counseling, AFTER I've worked so hard at working through things, if that makes sense. I mean, overall I feel better, stronger, more interested in life, more accepting of the concept of being single, not married, etc. But dang it, I just miss him so much. I miss my best friend. I lost not only my husband but also my very best friend in the entire world. I feel like you understand what I mean by that.
My heart goes out to you, it really does. Hang in there. We're going to survive this, be better for it, and be happy again one day. Already, I am finding joy in some things again, and I feel interested in doing things, going places, etc. But sometimes I just want to sort through his things, or sit in my bedroom and cry, or whatever. So I do it - it's OK I believe.
I think it's important to allow ourselves the time and space to be sad and to sort out our feelings, to think about things, to remember their laughter and the sweetness we shared. I find that when I give myself that time and space, I end up being filled with gratitude again for having that person and that relationship in my life.
I know you understand all of the emotions KA, and thank you for your words of wisdom and your kindness.
I didn't have the years with Jeff that you had with your special hubby or that my mom had with my step dad (35+), so I know it's a different kind of grief. I do know that I had found the person that I wanted to make ALL of those future plans with and I grieve the loss of sharing that as I know you do as well.
Jeff would want me to keep living, keep progressing, and try my very best to be happy. He had a zest for life that was infectious and he would NEVER want me to give up. I agree in that the grief will continue though. There is a heaviness in my spirit that I know will be here to stay, but I also know that I will survive and continue to be strong for my family.
I know you understand all of the emotions KA, and thank you for your words of wisdom and your kindness.
I didn't have the years with Jeff that you had with your special hubby or that my mom had with my step dad (35+), so I know it's a different kind of grief. I do know that I had found the person that I wanted to make ALL of those future plans with and I grieve the loss of sharing that as I know you do as well.
Jeff would want me to keep living, keep progressing, and try my very best to be happy. He had a zest for life that was infectious and he would NEVER want me to give up. I agree in that the grief will continue though. There is a heaviness in my spirit that I know will be here to stay, but I also know that I will survive and continue to be strong for my family.
Oh I don't think we can judge grief solely by the number of years. In fact, I'd go so far as to say we simply can't judge another person's grief. Relationships are just all so different. For instance, I remember listening to a woman who had lost not one but two husbands over the years, and she was saying how different her two griefs were for two different husbands at different times in her life and in their marriages. That made a big impression on me.
My sweet husband would also want me me to keep living and to get happy again. I want that too. I hate this "heaviness of spirit" and I know exactly what you mean. I wonder if it will lessen over time - I mean, I think it will, I HOPE it will, but I think this whole experience has really marked me for life. Hopefully I will eventually be a better person for it - that's my goal anyway.
Comfort to me, years ago. Someone said there's no time limit. For me too, Posting on this Thread was a comfort, lots of understanding, there were several widows, in our 60s-2012 !
Each death affects each person differently, a wife, child---- For me, the loss of a routine. Definition: "Are you moving?" was often asked of me. Learned, they wanted to know what I was going to do now ? A few days, weeks of his passing. After 41 + years, didn't know!
First year a blur. Did suggest to one Poster, keep a journal, Write ! IF you choose to let go of items, write down what you gave away and to whom. You may not want the item, but, as I sometimes did, wondered what happened to said item.
Biggest challenged ? NOT accepting unacceptable behavior ! Had to let go of a couple of "friends". This was Very difficult for me. The Lord reminded me, Love thy neighbor as the
thy self.
Keep coming back here, I refer this refer Thread, again a comfort to me and want each of you comfort. There is no right or wrong way in grieving. People here care, understand.
Peace to each of you, Shalom !
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