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Love her. Support her. Don't judge her. Don't judge what she eats. Don't judge how much she exercises. Don't talk about food, weight, exercise or appearance with her.
If she feels loved and supported, she'll be better able to manage her stress. A stronger relationship with you will lead to more confidence too. Give her space and some time and see how she does.
If after a month or so, you suspect that she is sneaking food or being controlling about food (i.e. buying only "superfoods" or trying an elimination diet), suggest that she seek counseling again.
I've battled an eating disorder. I'm mainly in good shape, but I definitely have times when I revert to the old behaviors. When my husband tries to be direct in his help with eating/exercise, I get worse. When he helps me more around the house and with the kids, takes me out on dates, talks to me and is interested in a good relationship with me, I do so much better.
I'm healthier and happier at the upper end of the "healthy weight" charts..it not just a bit over. Don't focus on her appearance and the numbers--focus on making her happy. Happy wife=happy life.
Binge, compulsive or uncontrolled over-eating ARE bulimia without the purging part. It's great that she overcame that part of it, but I would say she still has the underlying issue that made it start in the first place.
Therapy and you being supportive no matter what, in my opinion.
You both need to talk to a therapist. Maybe a marriage therapist, maybe a therapist to tell you how to engage in food/weight conversations in a healthy manner, so that you don't shame her and so that you don't get manipulated by it, maybe HER therapist to tell you how to react properly. As you well know, you would be hard pressed to tell the difference between 150 and 145 looking at her, and yet she fixates and talks about it to no end. Her weight is a symptom, not the problem.
Exactly. I went to graduate school and did my Clinical Psychology work with anorexics and bulimics. There are many complex issues underlying these disorders. But it's usually a combination of anxiety and obsessive compulsive behaviors mixed with depression. I also grew up with a morbidly obese mother (5'4", 300 lbs). As an aside, having a morbidly obese parent, especially since she was a single mom, is not easy for a child to deal with. There is a lot of shame, guilt, and embarrassment that a kid feels when having a parent who is morbidly obese. You may be having these feelings as well. I think people don't realize this. They just focus on the obese person.
Anyway, fixing the outside won't fix how she feels inside. Psychological help is necessary, both for you and her. Basically what she's doing is bingeing without the purging, or she may be purging again and not telling you about it. Bulimics are usually normal weight or overweight, even. They are notorious for bingeing on sweet carbs, and they also almost always binge/purge in secret. A psychologist may be able to draw out information about these secret behaviors she may be engaging in, so individual sessions in addition to sessions with you are a good idea.
I appreciate your insights. My wife grew up with a morbidly obese mother who was also a "hoarder" (I think her mom was close but not quite a hoarder, she says it was worse when she was growing up and calls her a hoarder). Her mom and dad never got married and he passed away when she was 9, so she talks about that a lot.
In regards to sweet carbs she says that she has never gained weight from processed sugars, which is also weird because she often puts processed food down during her "health" rants. When I went over to her to her house while we were dating (somewhat long distance) her family never ate meals together until I suggested the idea. She just snacked, like grapes, bags of microwave popcorn, daily trips to coffee shops, etc. She says that fruit makes her gain weight but also talks about how important it is to eat lots of fruit, and that processed sugars like cookies mochas etc. don't make her gain weight and that she always lost weight when she would have a "coffee" (mostly sugar) a day. Due to getting over stomach ulcers she hasn't been able to drink coffee, so her latest kick has been chai tea lattes and white chocolate macadamia nut cookies.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JONOV
You both need to talk to a therapist. Maybe a marriage therapist, maybe a therapist to tell you how to engage in food/weight conversations in a healthy manner, so that you don't shame her and so that you don't get manipulated by it, maybe HER therapist to tell you how to react properly. As you well know, you would be hard pressed to tell the difference between 150 and 145 looking at her, and yet she fixates and talks about it to no end. Her weight is a symptom, not the problem.
I'm not shaming my wife. In fact, she feels so confident with me that she asked me 2 weeks ago to put together a workout plan for her and to help her choose what she can and can't eat. I have been very delicate about this and we argued once. Today she wanted a cookie and some fries over lunch. I didn't tell her she shouldn't do that but I did ask if she'd like to go running with me later to which she agreed. She feels very confident with me and not judged. Why else would she tell me that she was 208 lbs?
You have the right to want what you want. But don't twist it around.
I don't think this can be made right. Best to part. It isn't good for her to have someone who wants her to look different than she does. And it isn't good for you to have someone as a spouse who you don't like the looks of. So get away from her and free her at the same time. Just do it in an orderly and kind manner.
I appreciate your insights. My wife grew up with a morbidly obese mother who was also a "hoarder" (I think her mom was close but not quite a hoarder, she says it was worse when she was growing up and calls her a hoarder). Her mom and dad never got married and he passed away when she was 9, so she talks about that a lot.
In regards to sweet carbs she says that she has never gained weight from processed sugars, which is also weird because she often puts processed food down during her "health" rants. When I went over to her to her house while we were dating (somewhat long distance) her family never ate meals together until I suggested the idea. She just snacked, like grapes, bags of microwave popcorn, daily trips to coffee shops, etc. She says that fruit makes her gain weight but also talks about how important it is to eat lots of fruit, and that processed sugars like cookies mochas etc. don't make her gain weight and that she always lost weight when she would have a "coffee" (mostly sugar) a day. Due to getting over stomach ulcers she hasn't been able to drink coffee, so her latest kick has been chai tea lattes and white chocolate macadamia nut cookies.
I'm not shaming my wife. In fact, she feels so confident with me that she asked me 2 weeks ago to put together a workout plan for her and to help her choose what she can and can't eat. I have been very delicate about this and we argued once. Today she wanted a cookie and some fries over lunch. I didn't tell her she shouldn't do that but I did ask if she'd like to go running with me later to which she agreed. She feels very confident with me and not judged. Why else would she tell me that she was 208 lbs?
STOP. Just stop rationalizing. She asked you for help because she feels out of control inside and needs external guidance. That is what a therapist is for. Your job is to be loving and supporting, not guide her food choices or exercise plan. She needs help you cannot provide! Your "support" is likely going to make things worse in the long run.
I appreciate your insights. My wife grew up with a morbidly obese mother who was also a "hoarder" (I think her mom was close but not quite a hoarder, she says it was worse when she was growing up and calls her a hoarder). Her mom and dad never got married and he passed away when she was 9, so she talks about that a lot.
In regards to sweet carbs she says that she has never gained weight from processed sugars, which is also weird because she often puts processed food down during her "health" rants. When I went over to her to her house while we were dating (somewhat long distance) her family never ate meals together until I suggested the idea. She just snacked, like grapes, bags of microwave popcorn, daily trips to coffee shops, etc. She says that fruit makes her gain weight but also talks about how important it is to eat lots of fruit, and that processed sugars like cookies mochas etc. don't make her gain weight and that she always lost weight when she would have a "coffee" (mostly sugar) a day. Due to getting over stomach ulcers she hasn't been able to drink coffee, so her latest kick has been chai tea lattes and white chocolate macadamia nut cookies.
I'm not shaming my wife. In fact, she feels so confident with me that she asked me 2 weeks ago to put together a workout plan for her and to help her choose what she can and can't eat. I have been very delicate about this and we argued once. Today she wanted a cookie and some fries over lunch. I didn't tell her she shouldn't do that but I did ask if she'd like to go running with me later to which she agreed. She feels very confident with me and not judged. Why else would she tell me that she was 208 lbs?
Maybe you ought to re-read your own posts. You have described more than one argument in your posts. She is asking you because she thinks that is what you want. Embrace the role you are supposed to have in her life, supportive, non-judgemental spouse, and leave the job of medical and nutritional advice along with any lecturing to the people trained to do it.
I don't have a weight problem but due to medical issues must be on a very, very restrictive diet. My husband supports me by eating items forbidden to me only when not with me, listening to me when I lament how unfair the universe was to burden me with this, and telling me that he is impressed with how much grace I show while handling my unique problems. He doesn't ever tell me what to eat. He doesn't ever dismiss it as no big deal or imply that I shouldn't struggle with it. He doesn't lecture me if I do eat something I shouldn't have, and definately doesn't say "I told you so" when that moment of rebellion ends up creating problems for me. And he NEVER eats in front of me things I can't have. More than anything, though, he doesn't make me feel bad about myself or my choices.
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A lot of posters seem to be projecting their own experiences onto this.
First, my wife has noted many times on her own accord that she wants to lose weight. She's down a lot and when I ask her what's wrong she says things like "I'm fat and I hate it," and I tell her that I think she's beautiful at any weight.
Second, yeah I would like my wife to be around 150 rather than over 200, first for her health, but also because yes that is more attractive. I'm not ashamed of this at all, it's quite normal actually, but this is not such an issue that I would ever think of divorcing her over this. Yes, I'm not sorry that evolutionary biology dictates that I'm more physically attracted to my wife when she's more fit, but I'm also still very much in love with her and still think she's pretty and would never drop her over something like that. That's completely asinine.
Third, so you're saying if it's not good for her I shouldn't eat it in front of her, even when she chooses to eat those things? Do you see how difficult that is? Especially since we eat most of our meals together and take lunch breaks together. I'm not saying that I can't do that, I'm just trying to point out that this isn't something that's just super easy to restrict myself from either.
Lastly, the point about quit giving her advice and get her to seek treatment. I want to do this, but how? She does not think that she has an eating disorder. Whenever we talk about what she eats, which is always her bringing it up and talking about it and me just asking how she feels, she doesn't think that there is anything wrong. I want to talk to her about it but basically that's like saying "I think you're crazy." Maybe talking to a nutritionist would be an easier, smaller step to take.
Firstly, when you ask about something like this - people sharing their experiences with this is not the same as projecting. You only see things from your point of view - some of us understand things from your wife's point of view. Dismissing these things as projecting isn't really going to help you.
Secondly, good for you for telling her she's beautiful at any weight. I've never been obese but knowing that my husband loves me and is always attracted to me takes away a lot of the pressure I feel to look a certain way. I always want to look a certain way but knowing that he's not going to stop loving me or leave me if my weight out of control definitely makes me feel more secure.
Thirdly, if she is having a hard time right now - I would probably back off from eating unhealthy foods that she loves right in front of her. And if she does eat something unhealthy - I wouldn't ask her if she wants to work out. I would assume she can see through that.
Lastly, I think talking to a nutritionist is a great first step. I know she was in treatment for her eating disorder before but was that her choice? Also, eating disorders tend to morph and change - meaning that someone could start out anorexic and later become bulimic, or start out bulimic and later become an overeater. If she is hiding things from you, it's because she feels ashamed. And she probably won't admit these things to you because to say it out loud would make it true. It's very hard for people with eating disorders to get better, unfortunately. I know that when I was at my worst - I didn't want to get better. I didn't want help. It truly is a life long struggle for many people. I'm healthy now and happy - but it's still a struggle.
1/3 of americans are obese and 2/3 of them are fat. The average woman in america is 5"4', 170 lbs.
Most who try, never lose the weight. Statistically, your wife is unlikely to be an exception. It is best to accept this and forget about doing anything about it. There is nothing you can do, anyway. She has to lose the weight herself.
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