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Oh Camp you are worrying again. Did you know that major remodeling projects are the 2nd leading cause of divorce in America? It's true. 2nd only to being married to a Domestic Terrorist Cop which had that top spot for more then 2 decades.
I understand your position. I see it every day. Like in your other post...be grateful for getting a home. Hey near 60% of every homeowner has lost, is about to lose or will lose their homes in the next few years. The current depression has not sucked all the blood from us yet, there is lots more to go. You bought what you can afford despite the handyman status because you could afford it and hopefully put some sweat equity into it as time goes by while hoping the deteriorating economy doesn't suck your sweat equity back from you.
Now for the advice. Judging by the fact that you very recently bought a home I assume you are one of the rare birds who still have a credit rating. Use this to your advantage by going for a 203K loan. Rehab a Home W/Hud's 203k Rehab Program
I wont go much into it here but you can read on it. Basically you get an interest free or very low interest loan to rehab your home. The loan is collateralized based on the FUTURE value of your improvements. Pretty neat huh? Some programs will forgive the loan if you remain in your home for certain periods of time.
You can also look into community block grant programs. How do you think I got my start? I hooked up with 3 local Municapalities who offered these programs to qualified low income people. It is in the Municapalities best interest to have you improve your home so they give out these loans which are forgiven after 7 years. If you sell before 7 years you only pay back the principal plus 3% at closing. These figures may vary and may have changed significantly since homes will not go up in value for many many many years to come. So look into it.They are called community block grants. They might not even be where you live in the lowest populated state. Go check it out and good luck.
Location: Visitation between Wal-Mart & Home Depot
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NY Annie
It appears from your words alone that there is a problem in how and what you each see. Your post alone is telling. You say, "I" for decision-making, such as what/how/when to make changes but you say "we" when it requires effort on your husband's behalf. So what I'm reading is that you are deciding what has to be done, when it will be done, and then you want your husband to join enthusiastically in the doing of something in which he had no hand in the decision making process.
My husband and I bought a house 3 months ago. We don't move in for 18 months. But even before we bought, we knew what we wanted and we agreed on it. We have established priorities and an order for the projects to be completed. It will be a joint effort, so it's a good idea for us to be in agreement and not grumbly about it. I have one project that my husband doesn't care a whole lot about. And that's fine, it's MY project, for me, not a project that benefits US, being done by US. It is at the end of the line.
So, write up a list of proposed projects, estimated costs, estimated time to complete, whether it can be completed in parts or needs to be a concerted effort because of the disruption to the household functioning. Include in your list "benefits of completion". Then ask for your husband's input. Tell him these are projects you'd like to see done, but maybe he doesn't want some done or maybe he has others that are a higher priority to him. Make it clear to him that you aren't giving him a "honey-do" list.
Is there any project you can do all by yourself? If it's a small one that would have high morale impact and a low budget, can you get to it by yourself? I'm thinking of one I did -- we had discussed removing wallpaper and he kept commenting about how much he hated it that it was such a tedious job. So I picked a small spot that wasn't going to show and I decided to give it a whirl on my own. It wasn't so bad; I actually enjoyed doing it. It was a small job so not a big deal.
Tackle one project at a time, as budget and time allows; but either be prepared and willing to do it alone or be in agreement ahead of time.
Good post. Agreement precedes motivation every time, that much is true.
I do worry too much, Desertsun, you're right. I'm not much into home improvement loans, I seem to be allergic to debt (I am SOOOO ready to start paying on this mortgage, I dislike being in the hole). But when you said no or low interest, you caught my attention. I will check those out, thanks!
I had the same issue.... worrying too much about all the projects I want to do. It is easy to lose focus of the bigger picture. In the end I am happy to have a home that I get to do project on from time to time, and I don't get too bent out of shape anymore.
Campmom,
I just start doing it. I make lists, buy the supplies needed (occasionally, hubby will do that), and I start doing the projects.....simple as that. I ask him for his help.....he helps do some of the stuff, but I am the one who starts and spearheads the projects. He works all day, every day. I just learned to do it myself because I was feeling like you are now. He is so proud and so happy that I do so many things and save TONS of money. You see, his brain doesn't automatically think the way mine does.....if he sees something that needs to be done, he automatically thinks of going and buying all brand new materials, rather than recycling, repurposing, buying something at the second hand store and re-vamping it for our needs, for just pennies. Like I said, he helps with things that I ask him to help with....but he pretty much lets me do what I want to do...just jumping in when I ask for his help.
I HAVE started by myself. I've single-handledly painted every room in the house, doors and trim included. In a less than a month. With 3 young children to care for. My husband says things like "we just closed 2 weeks ago, we don't have to do all this yet!" But.... I have to stay here all day while he goes to work and I don't want to stay in ugliness if it's just as easy to change it. Otherwise "just 2 weeks" turns into 2 months, two years, and so on, before you know it.
Plus, we rented this place for 6 weeks before closing and I was heavily under the impression from him that many of these projects would have been discussed and plans made by the closing date, so that all we'd have to do then is... start! Closing came and went a month ago now and we're no closer on any of those plans.
I think the problem is is that my husband is an "idea guy." He will discuss ideas for forever, but rarely considers the ramifications of those ideas, and even more rarely acts on them. I knew when we bought this place that this would be an issue for us, but we just can't afford a 100% perfect house, we're gonna have to learn how to do work projects.
I'm sure you're right that he feels overwhelmed. I do too! I guess we just handle this same emotion differently. He'd rather put it off, and I'd rather get it over with! If we say we're going to do something in a certain time frame, I expect to meet that goal vs. he who is willing to say "oh well" and wait longer.
I DO try to ask his opinion of things, but he either "doesn't care" (maybe he's lying) or just doesn't talk about it much. Probably because there have been times that he gives HIS idea and it is way out of the ballpark and he doesn't like how I react to that. But I sometimes don't feel like he listens to MY ideas. We both probably need to learn to communicate about this better.
OH Campmom!
Don't give up hope!
We have been through this a couple of times.
Husband is an Architect, went through trade school then AIA, so is quite handy.
The scenerio-
He measures twice, thinks about it, might consult a peer about it, pours a scotch and mulls it over.
Me- sorta measures....ahhh..an inch and a bit. This rarely results in a positive outcome. But the project is underway!
I have gotten myself into many jams, at which point I offer to hire someone to fix "it" but he steps in and finishes it (with my help, support and cheerleading).
Over the years, I have learned many handy trades, painting, taping and floating sheetrock, laying tile etc.
My Xmas/BD wishes have included (but not limited to) a chopsaw, cordless drivers, chainsaw etc.
I have gotten everyone of my wishes
We've been married since Noah built the Arc! Don't give up hope!
In all honesty, Campmom, maybe your husband just needs some time to adjust to the new place. I know it seems odd, but sometimes we men folk don't want to think about what needs to be done when we get home, since we've been getting stuff done all day. (Case in point, my wife and I fought for 5 years over what color to paint our old house, not because I didn't like the color choices, but because I really didn't feel like painting on my time off. Shhh, don't tell her that.)
Just as a thought, and it's more my wife's idea than mine, since this is how she trained me, try asking him to do some of the smaller projects on his days off. Maybe ask him to paint the laundry area one weekend, build some shelves a couple weeks later, etc. It won't make the stuff get done fast, but it will save some of the strain on your marriage.
Also, calm down a bit The house isn't going anywhere, and neither are you guys. It doesn't all have to be done at once. Focus on the things that are most important, and move on to the less important things as you get the major stuff done. For instance, the heater issue doesn't have to be resolved before summer, you won't need it until next winter. The hot water heater, on the other hand, is a bit more urgent now, eh?
My husband and I always worked well together on household projects. As a matter of fact, it's one of the few things we have in common. I always worried about what we would do with ourselves when we didn't have a project!
My advice to you is to start a project on your own. Don't wait for hubby! I did that once with building a pantry at the top of my basement stairs. I went and bought all of the wood I would need. I came home and unloaded it into the house to begin building the shelving. My husband took the wood and installed it himself---AS IF it scared him for me to do it on my own! It was hillarious! I sure didn't care who did it. I was just glad it was done! Even if your husband doesn't step up and take over, you will learn how to do projects on your own. Many things are not rocket science. There are a lot of "how to" books and classes.
Lighten up on hubby! Be glad he doesn't care! There are men who care too much about remodeling and decorating! Count your blessings!
Don't let yourself become resentful. Learn to enjoy your husband and life as is!
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The house isn't going anywhere, and neither are you guys. It doesn't all have to be done at once. Focus on the things that are most important, and move on to the less important things as you get the major stuff done. For instance, the heater issue doesn't have to be resolved before summer, you won't need it until next winter. The hot water heater, on the other hand, is a bit more urgent now, eh?
