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The mother of a friend at work passed and the funeral was on Friday morning. I've been out of town and will return tonight (Tuesday), in time for the last night of shiva tomorrow--my boss who attended the funeral said that it was announced at the funeral that they would sit shiva until Wednesday.
The family is observant but not Orthodox; I know my friend is an active member of a congregation headed by a female rabbi. The home is in Roslyn.
My question after reading websites about general customs is, what do people do locally? Am I expected to bring a platter--I'm not a close friend, but I do want to show I care. Hours are given as 6-9, but how long do I stay? How dressed up should I be? Should I bring a sympathy card?
Also I know that my friend was going out to California sometime soon to bring their daughter to college. I emailed to check that they hadn't gone away but haven't gotten a reply. I feel a bit shy about going and then finding out that my friend isn't there?
Status:
"Let this year be over..."
(set 23 days ago)
Location: Where my bills arrive
19,219 posts, read 17,095,590 times
Reputation: 15538
Sitting Shiva is the same as paying respect for any acquaintance and you should not feel uncomfortable, bringing food is not anymore mandatory then sending flowers is to a wake is. Seeing this is a friends mother that you are making the call for I would send a card and anticipate being there less than 30 minutes of course if others are there that you know that time may extend longer. Dress as you are comfortable and would for any call of this type and relax your just paying your respect to the family and that's what matters.
Based on my family observances: The front door is usually unlocked, do not ring the doorbell. Bringing food is nice, but not required. Stay as long as you feel comfortable, usually 30-60 mins .
Sending a card, making a small donation to their synagogue, sending a plant or food is OK (flowers, usually not)
Bring some cookies, dress casually, and listen to what the grieving family has to say. Being a willing listener helps the people who are grieving. Don't try to say something pithy to make them feel better because nothing will. Just extend your condolences. That's about all you can do. And that will be more than enough.
I have been to 2 of them. Just dress casual, maybe bring some cookies or a cake and sit with the family and extend your condolences. My job had sent a food platter from a kosher deli as a way of saying sorry for your loss.
Also, don't be surprised if a prayer service occurs at the house while you're there. We will form a minyan at the mourner's home so they can say kaddish. It doesn't take long, and you can just stand quietly to the side while it is going on.
Show up with some food (kosher... look for the 'P' Pareve on it)... a dessert is fine. Wear whatever, though 6-9, many people will probably come right from work so they may be dressed up if their work requires so.
Don't ring bell, just walk in.
It's pretty much just people hanging out but being there shows your respects to the family.
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