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It can take many forms. In my case, it was the discovery over years of a duplicitous life of someone I wanted a future with. I still have a hard time coming to terms with it. To top it off, the last time I saw this person he told me my features had changed. Well, he put me through hell (there were other things going on as well) so I guess maybe I've aged. I asked him how but he never told me. I did not take it as a compliment.
I guess my question is how do you move on? Some people DO damage you and then when they turn around and tell you it shows, it's just a slap in the face. I didn't put this in relationships as I think we all are disappointed in life by people. But I can't seem to get past those words "your features have changed."
My whole life has changed drastically in many ways and not for the better. At least not that I can see. So when life really gets you down, how do you pick yourself back up? How do you forget the insults, the setbacks, the failures, and how does one get back on track? My life resembles nothing of my former life. Nothing. And I beat myself up for that although at the time it all made sense on paper.
Really sorry to hear this, mistygrl. I do understand your pain and questions. Divorced after 22 yrs of marriage, my life also fell apart for a while and I too changed drastically...possibly physically too. Inordinate stress can do that.
We all want to feel better, but it actually take longer than we hope... I had counseling but not sure if this is for you...also: take care of yourself physically with proper food/rest; exercise helps. those are truly important. If you have hobbies, now is the time to focus on them. I took several vacation trips (by myself) that ended up greatly helping my "recovery".
Very good wishes....
I am sure others will have suggestions for you too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mistygrl092
It can take many forms. In my case, it was the discovery over years of a duplicitous life of someone I wanted a future with. I still have a hard time coming to terms with it. To top it off, the last time I saw this person he told me my features had changed. Well, he put me through hell (there were other things going on as well) so I guess maybe I've aged. I asked him how but he never told me. I did not take it as a compliment.
I guess my question is how do you move on? Some people DO damage you and then when they turn around and tell you it shows, it's just a slap in the face. I didn't put this in relationships as I think we all are disappointed in life by people. But I can't seem to get past those words "your features have changed."
My whole life has changed drastically in many ways and not for the better. At least not that I can see. So when life really gets you down, how do you pick yourself back up? How do you forget the insults, the setbacks, the failures, and how does one get back on track? My life resembles nothing of my former life. Nothing. And I beat myself up for that although at the time it all made sense on paper.
I was married 16 yrs. when it all came to a halt...At the time I couldn't fall apart as I had to support myself and finish raising my daughter, so the feelings were just stuffed away...Over time they just disappeared I guess,
there still isn't time to worry about the past as I have new problems to deal with...It helps tremendously to have some kind of support system in place,such as a strong faith,a pastor who is available to listen and offer help whenever necessary...I am thankful that I have that cause I know I'd be living on the street without it...
mistygrl...How insensitive! I see changes in people all the time but I don't blurt out: "Oh my goodness you sure look old now!" Or fat! Or sickly! Or ??...Some tact and diplomacy is called for in life! "Blunt people" have no sensitivity or manners...We all go through changes in life. I know I have aged 10 or even 20 years since my husband died 18 months ago and my son has been battling brain tumors...All of the stress and "wear and tear" is "written" all over me right now and I know it. But oh well! If someone doesn't want to look at me anymore this is their perrogative. I don't care! I'm not in a race to be the most beautiful woman in the world or some "young chick!"...Life has handed me a lot of "blows" and I'm trying to deal with them the best I can! Sounds like you are too! ...Right now "staying strong" and making it through each day is all that matters to me. Yes I have more wrinkles and grey hair and I'm pretty darn tired and it "shows." But oh well! Too bad! It's all part of life! My focus isn't on how I look on my "outside" and trying to look attractive and appealing to others!...I feel proud of my internal strength and fortitude. I'm still "here!" I didn't "drown!" I got "kicked to the curb" a few times but I learned to "kick back" and "stay grounded" despite all the "high winds" and "tidal waves" that keep coming at me! (Even now!)...So "stay strong" and feel proud of yourself for getting through so many "rough patches" and "storms." And don't let anyone put you down or make you feel bad about yourself! Okay?! Thanks!!
mistygrl...How insensitive! I see changes in people all the time but I don't blurt out: "Oh my goodness you sure look old now!" Or fat! Or sickly! Or ??...Some tact and diplomacy is called for in life! "Blunt people" have no sensitivity or manners...We all go through changes in life. I know I have aged 10 or even 20 years since my husband died 18 months ago and my son has been battling brain tumors...All of the stress and "wear and tear" is "written" all over me right now and I know it. But oh well! If someone doesn't want to look at me anymore this is their perrogative. I don't care! I'm not in a race to be the most beautiful woman in the world or some "young chick!"...Life has handed me a lot of "blows" and I'm trying to deal with them the best I can! Sounds like you are too! ...Right now "staying strong" and making it through each day is all that matters to me. Yes I have more wrinkles and grey hair and I'm pretty darn tired and it "shows." But oh well! Too bad! It's all part of life! My focus isn't on how I look on my "outside" and trying to look attractive and appealing to others!...I feel proud of my internal strength and fortitude. I'm still "here!" I didn't "drown!" I got "kicked to the curb" a few times but I learned to "kick back" and "stay grounded" despite all the "high winds" and "tidal waves" that keep coming at me! (Even now!)...So "stay strong" and feel proud of yourself for getting through so many "rough patches" and "storms." And don't let anyone put you down or make you feel bad about yourself! Okay?! Thanks!!
Thanks to GBH and leftmyheartintennessee, but I have to admit your post made me smile. Your conviction comes right through! And I can really relate to how you feel about just trying to stay strong and making it through each day.
Today I just feel like I am going to have a heart attack. My house is on the market under contract and was vandalized for the second time in 10 days. That house is in the kind of neighborhood where those things don't happen. Of course, this had to happen at a very bad time. I've already lost one sale, bracing for number 2. I can't stay there myself to protect it so all I do is worry just how much more is going to happen. So in addition to my "changed features" I am afraid they must be changing even more by the day now.
And I am not talking to that person anymore but I don't think I will ever forget those words.
A very good book that has helped me out a lot. Living Beyond Your Feelings by Joyce Meyer.
One thing that stuck with me from it was; I can feel totally wrong and still use my free will to choose to do what is right. You can feel like doing the wrong thing and choose to do what’s right. I can manage my feelings and not have to follow them, the way I feel is not nearly as important as I make it out to be.
Mistygrl092, How did you happen to see this person again? I sure as h.ell wouldn't want to see either of my 2 previous mistakes again. From the last one, I'm sure I would get a horse laugh as well as some cold and cruel comment similar to what you got. I even think of how life is now, and think of what they would say if they did know all was not well in my world. Even that makes me feel worse about myself because of my own self esteem and depression problems. So I sure do understand how the words he said to you are stuck in your head. When I hear this line "just accept it", I tend to still think thats what the ex said to me in her out of the blue email asking for a divorce. Those words just trigger the thoughts back to that time and how much time has gone by without significant change. Wounds of the heart are hard to heal, and harder still when present life is a far cry from where we want it to be.
As far as what helps, all I know is to keep trying to move forward. Positives in the present make one think of the future not the past. I've been working toward that at a snails pace only to have one person mess it all up completely. The backslides are a big problem with people like us, we then tend to look back and reflect more on the how's and why's and obsessing on our failures. I know you have had your share of situational problems, I think when you get on the other side of those issues, you will feel some relief and more hope. Think of that person that made the smart comment to you as they really are, not as you hoped or wanted them to be. That might help too. Best of luck to you and to all of us here.
mistygrl...Sorry about all the break-ins. Hope your house sells soon...Someone broke into my son's house several times recently. (He's been in the hospital.) I've been moving his things out of the house..Years ago I ran into a so-called friend right after my husband and I closed our gift stores. (Due to the bad economy.)The first thing out of my friend's mouth was: "Your hair is so grey! I don't remember your hair being so grey before!" (Talk about being blunt!) It really didn't upset me. My husband and I laughed about it after she left. It was the least of my worries at the time...Same goes for now. I try to look "decent" when I go out. But I'm not trying to look like a "beauty queen" or "aging starlet" etc. I'm not walking the "red carpet!" I'm just trying to do what I need to do and get through each day the best I can! I know you are too...If I run into someone (else) who looks tired and worn-out I have empathy and compassion for them. I can relate to how they must feel...I have caring and concern for them. These are "tough times" for a lot of people. (Not just me.) And sometimes we're going to look "shop-worn." Right? Good luck selling your house. Thanks for writing.
mistygrl...Sorry about all the break-ins. Hope your house sells soon...Someone broke into my son's house several times recently. (He's been in the hospital.) I've been moving his things out of the house..Years ago I ran into a so-called friend right after my husband and I closed our gift stores. (Due to the bad economy.)The first thing out of my friend's mouth was: "Your hair is so grey! I don't remember your hair being so grey before!" (Talk about being blunt!) It really didn't upset me. My husband and I laughed about it after she left. It was the least of my worries at the time...Same goes for now. I try to look "decent" when I go out. But I'm not trying to look like a "beauty queen" or "aging starlet" etc. I'm not walking the "red carpet!" I'm just trying to do what I need to do and get through each day the best I can! I know you are too...If I run into someone (else) who looks tired and worn-out I have empathy and compassion for them. I can relate to how they must feel...I have caring and concern for them. These are "tough times" for a lot of people. (Not just me.) And sometimes we're going to look "shop-worn." Right? Good luck selling your house. Thanks for writing.
Wow, you took that grey hair comment better than I would have. I had a friend (had) many years ago who said something like "wow, have you gained a lot of weight." Actually I've had two friends say that to me. With the first that ended the friendship. I saw no reason to continue being friends with someone who would say that to me. With the second, he was from another country/culture and that was just his out with it personality on all levels with everyone, so I overlooked the comment.
These days I confess I am far from trying to look like a beauty queen. I used to wear make up, etc. Now I'm lucky to just brush my hair before going somewhere. It's a combination of depression and just having other priorities I guess. I've given up on ever meeting anyone (as in romantically) so I guess the no make up works for me. Once things settle down or improve or I feel better I may start wearing it again. One positive is that I've lost 36 lbs since last August. Yeah, I need to lose more but will focus on that after all these other things are settled.
I'm trying to see the possibilities about this new place I moved into instead of just focusing on being driven out of what I had now too. Ok, so I wish I'd arranged the furniture differently but that can always be done someday too. Another concern I have is my dog has Valley Fever. She got it bad and tomorrow is her first titer test after the starting of the medication. If her numbers have not improved, I am going to be very upset. The buyers of my house have X more days to back out, so once that number passes I'll either be relieved or it's back to square one. Thanks for writing too! Oh, and I wish your son the best and that his house has no more problems. And kudos to you for doing a better job (I am sure) at presenting a decent appearance than I am these days.
Mistygrl092, How did you happen to see this person again? I sure as h.ell wouldn't want to see either of my 2 previous mistakes again. From the last one, I'm sure I would get a horse laugh as well as some cold and cruel comment similar to what you got. I even think of how life is now, and think of what they would say if they did know all was not well in my world. Even that makes me feel worse about myself because of my own self esteem and depression problems. So I sure do understand how the words he said to you are stuck in your head. When I hear this line "just accept it", I tend to still think thats what the ex said to me in her out of the blue email asking for a divorce. Those words just trigger the thoughts back to that time and how much time has gone by without significant change. Wounds of the heart are hard to heal, and harder still when present life is a far cry from where we want it to be.
As far as what helps, all I know is to keep trying to move forward. Positives in the present make one think of the future not the past. I've been working toward that at a snails pace only to have one person mess it all up completely. The backslides are a big problem with people like us, we then tend to look back and reflect more on the how's and why's and obsessing on our failures. I know you have had your share of situational problems, I think when you get on the other side of those issues, you will feel some relief and more hope. Think of that person that made the smart comment to you as they really are, not as you hoped or wanted them to be. That might help too. Best of luck to you and to all of us here.
Todd00, it was my fault for seeing this person again. For some reason I thought he might be able to help me with what I was dealing with (wrong) and so that's why I contacted him. Instead, he told me I looked like I was six months pregnant (didn't mention that part) and that my features had changed. It was a very hurtful experience for other reasons I won't get into.
Yes, I agree all we can do is try to move forward. I try to look at what's positive and where I am living the biggest is a pond with a fountain that runs 24/7 and changes colors at night. That might not do it for some people, but it's really quite nice to have access to something like that as water has always been very soothing to me and I can hear the fountain if I open the door.
I do hope you are hanging in there these days and that plans are still underway that will bring you joy. Or maybe the plans already happened! At any rate, for people who do deal with depression it can be a real battle in and of itself. Compound it with mean people or bad situations and it can make the depression even worse and harder to deal with. I guess the idea is to take it a day at a time and each day is another chance to do things better. Not perfect, just better.
This makes me think of my former neighbor who lost her husband not too long ago at a very young age. She has small and young children and I marvel at how she has bounced back. Of course, maybe she is just good at acting or doing it for the sake of the kids, but I genuinely feel like she has really bounced back. She also has a great family (not everyone does), a lot of support and, as far as I know, doesn't have any mental health issues like depression. Contrast this with another woman I met who lost her husband young and didn't leave the house for two years except to go to the store. We are all different and no one should judge another as some are blessed with the right levels of neurotransmitters and some are not. Some are blessed with good circumstances and tragedy befalls others. So at times I think this thing about "it's all in how you react" is not quite right or accurate.
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Very good wishes....
