Am I wrong to leave my hometown, despite my mental health issues, because of abusive relationships ?? (depressed, selfishness)

[Rainbow Connection]

i am clinically depressed... and have other mental health issues..

i lived in new york.. in abeautiful brownestone.. but after being diagnosed with cancer my family didn't understnd why i didn't return to my hometown... i sadly took that as their wanting to be supportive..
boy was i wrong..
my triggers are my family... extremely prejudiced; homophobic;
gossipy to the point they don't care if you hear them.and down right cruel to me because i don't share ther veiws..

and i was ostricized, to the point they didn't speak to me for about a year..
because i have dated men, but am more attracted to women.. and have had great relationship with both..

i was oo happpy in new york

my sister brought the most pain....stopped speaking to me for a YEAR after the sept 11 attacks.. just cut me off.. i never knew why... and never heard from her after... she never called..her daughter told me why.. because my sister hates ny, and never thought i should raise a child there..

my daughter was born there... even though because of the area we lived in was one of the best..-Park Slope Brooklyn..(google it.. top choice of places to live in Brooklyn !!!) my sister never thought i should be there.. she hated ny...i love it because as an artist/performer.. it fed my spirit and soul..

we had a spacious brownstone.. A gorgeous tree lined street... great school my daughter attended... and we soo enjoyed all the museums, parks; broadway shows and most everything..

people called us the smile family..we were super happy all the time !! always laughing and smiling...

i spoke to my sister about disapearing for a year ... saying "i told you to move.. then sept 11th happened.. so you got what you deserved !!!
" who says that???" and depite our differences before i moved back.i thought things had changed.. this is not the worst !!! i cannot begin to tell you what i am going through..

mentally it has taken it's toll.. i was hospitalized twice because i couldn't handle it.. my sister told everyone, evne though i asked her to keep t private.. now i get called the "crazy" one in the family..

i have a daughter.. she comes first....
my mom died last sunday.. and she was the only one who accepted me as i was..

well she is gone.. NO reason what so ever to stay.... and dealing with her death has been so devastating i am at my worst depression ever..

yet i NEED to stay well for my kid..

does anyone out there understand this...
i am not running.. this is for my survival..
and anyone who suffers with depression or mental health issues can understand better..

i am on disibility and finances are okay.. i want to move back to NY. even though my daughter says she doesn't want to.. even though she loves visitng.. she doesn't want us to end up in apt that is too busy with traffic.. i would make sure that wouldn't happen..the outskirts in new jersey; connecticut; long island are suburban.. some of new jersey is..

yet i respect her.. she is almost 14 now..i fear she will be messed up if we move to NY... so i am concidering burbank california... any where but here !!i just know i have to LEAVE..

i starting packing last night.. never slept.. i am giving my apt my notice today..
i think.. i am scared...what if things don't work out..even though deep down i know life will be better than here..

do you think i am making a bad choice by leaving???
any suggestions ??
i can't take it anymore.. waaaay too painful !!!

thank you in advance

[Mightyqueen801]

I see no earthly reason whatsoever for you to stay around these toxic people. I think your daughter will be better off, too. Any teenager will have trepidations about moving, but it sounds as if it will be an advantage to her to go somewhere else, too.

Um..MOST of NJ is suburban. Just not he part you see driving up the northern Turnpike. For the record, I live in NJ and worked in the WTC and was inside one of the towers that day, so your sister's behavior is inexplicable to me. I don't think YOU'RE the crazy one in the family, sorry.

Go. Do whatever you must to save yourself.

And just a nitpick here--I almost didn't bother to read your post because of the unnecessary ellipses (....) between every phrase. It's nearly unreadable.

[blossom4792]

It sounds like you have made up your mind; otherwise I would suggest that you at least sit on it for a week so that you aren't making decisions while in a state of grief.

But I do think you can make this move work out. Surround yourself with positive people and things that you love.

My only hesitation is:

1. it means a move for your daughter, and that is never fun
2. you're not in a good state of mind for making decisions.

The positives:

1. you are getting away from toxic people
2. you are returning to a place where you have been happy

[stepka]

I'm sorry about your mom--I lost mine recently too so I can truly empathize, and it's worse when she was the only one who understood. So you're bisexual? So what? That's a great way to be--you have twice as many choices for dates.

Your family sounds sick--not you, and I agree that you need to leave so don't even waste one single moment on guilt. Instead, I want you to reframe this. You can now go anywhere. Sure you're limited by what your dd prefers as well, but consider this--she will be with you only 4 more years, assuming that she heads off to college, and if you make life too pleasant at home, she might just decide to stay for the next 15 years lol, so while her preferences can be a guide, yours are foremost. When your dd goes out on her own, then she can build her life to her specifications. It's not selfishness, it's reality. As long as you don't put your dd in a bad or unbearable situation, you can go anywhere you want to. So start reading those city and state boards and think about the qualities of the type of place you want to live and work.

You can't go back to the happiness you had before, and maybe NYC would be depressing b/c you'd remember what you had there, but there are other wonderful places--how about Seattle or Portland? You can build a new life and be better for it and you'll find a new normal.

Just remember, anyone who shuts you out of their life because you are living yours on your own terms is not someone you should care to keep around on a regular basis--your sis was probably just jealous b/c you were happy. Sometimes in life we have to go out and create our own families from scratch and this is what you'll want to do--adopt some kindred souls and draw them around you and keep them like family and they'll be your lifeline from now on.

[nightbird47]

I left socal to get away from memories. I'm bp2 and everything around me was a trigger. Memories can be killers even if they're good ones. I picked a place which is completely different. A few months later I went back for the holidays and realized I'd already sepearated from there. My constant rapid cycling stopped once the triggers left, and while I cycle it far less dramatic and deep and I take no meds. This is also due to other health concerns, but couldn never have even tried there.

If you are around toxic people who won't accept you, and constantly remind you, even in a *nice* way, then replanting yourself somewhere different is good. It will be a big transition and you'll have to get used to things being different, but you get the chance to see clearly too.

You don't need to be around people who are toxic and its good for your daughter not to either. Make your plans, don't discuss it with then and then say your going. Then go.

Life is something to valuable to waste.

[CSD610]

Originally Posted by Rainbow Connection

i am clinically depressed... and have other mental health issues..

i lived in new york.. in abeautiful brownestone.. but after being diagnosed with cancer my family didn't understnd why i didn't return to my hometown... i sadly took that as their wanting to be supportive..
boy was i wrong..
my triggers are my family... extremely prejudiced; homophobic;
gossipy to the point they don't care if you hear them.and down right cruel to me because i don't share ther veiws..

and i was ostricized, to the point they didn't speak to me for about a year..
because i have dated men, but am more attracted to women.. and have had great relationship with both..

i was oo happpy in new york

my sister brought the most pain....stopped speaking to me for a YEAR after the sept 11 attacks.. just cut me off.. i never knew why... and never heard from her after... she never called..her daughter told me why.. because my sister hates ny, and never thought i should raise a child there..

my daughter was born there... even though because of the area we lived in was one of the best..-Park Slope Brooklyn..(google it.. top choice of places to live in Brooklyn !!!) my sister never thought i should be there.. she hated ny...i love it because as an artist/performer.. it fed my spirit and soul..

we had a spacious brownstone.. A gorgeous tree lined street... great school my daughter attended... and we soo enjoyed all the museums, parks; broadway shows and most everything..

people called us the smile family..we were super happy all the time !! always laughing and smiling...

i spoke to my sister about disapearing for a year ... saying "i told you to move.. then sept 11th happened.. so you got what you deserved !!!
" who says that???" and depite our differences before i moved back.i thought things had changed.. this is not the worst !!! i cannot begin to tell you what i am going through..

mentally it has taken it's toll.. i was hospitalized twice because i couldn't handle it.. my sister told everyone, evne though i asked her to keep t private.. now i get called the "crazy" one in the family..

i have a daughter.. she comes first....
my mom died last sunday.. and she was the only one who accepted me as i was..

well she is gone.. NO reason what so ever to stay.... and dealing with her death has been so devastating i am at my worst depression ever..

yet i NEED to stay well for my kid..

does anyone out there understand this...
i am not running.. this is for my survival..
and anyone who suffers with depression or mental health issues can understand better..

i am on disibility and finances are okay.. i want to move back to NY. even though my daughter says she doesn't want to.. even though she loves visitng.. she doesn't want us to end up in apt that is too busy with traffic.. i would make sure that wouldn't happen..the outskirts in new jersey; connecticut; long island are suburban.. some of new jersey is..

yet i respect her.. she is almost 14 now..i fear she will be messed up if we move to NY... so i am concidering burbank california... any where but here !!i just know i have to LEAVE..

i starting packing last night.. never slept.. i am giving my apt my notice today..
i think.. i am scared...what if things don't work out..even though deep down i know life will be better than here..

do you think i am making a bad choice by leaving???
any suggestions ??
i can't take it anymore.. waaaay too painful !!!

thank you in advance

If you knew your family was this way already why in the world would you ever go back home? Kids are resilient and overall adapt to anything and your current state of mind is not good for her to live around anyway.

Live YOUR LIFE and be done with it and if the family and sister don't talk to you again, good riddance in my opinion. I avoid most of my family because of the way they treat me and I am better for it.

[dragonborn]

Originally Posted by nightbird47

I left socal to get away from memories. I'm bp2 and everything around me was a trigger. Memories can be killers even if they're good ones. I picked a place which is completely different. A few months later I went back for the holidays and realized I'd already sepearated from there. My constant rapid cycling stopped once the triggers left, and while I cycle it far less dramatic and deep and I take no meds. This is also due to other health concerns, but couldn never have even tried there.

If you are around toxic people who won't accept you, and constantly remind you, even in a *nice* way, then replanting yourself somewhere different is good. It will be a big transition and you'll have to get used to things being different, but you get the chance to see clearly too.

You don't need to be around people who are toxic and its good for your daughter not to either. Make your plans, don't discuss it with then and then say your going. Then go.

Life is something to valuable to waste.

I agree with this. It's also refreshing to read your experiences with memories and how they can be a trigger. In my situation, part of me wants to go back to the UK because I miss the country, but then I have all those bad memories and have no desire to be reminded of the past in any way. You could say that I have been forced to exile myself from my own country, not because there was anything wrong with the place, just the people, mainly my family.

Some people say your problems will just follow you wherever you move and that you should try to overcome them first. I don't think that's completely true....in my case, it's only 50% true, which leaves me still significantly better off away from the ghosts of the past that dwell on streets I no longer have to walk or drive down. The OP may find that some of it does follow her, but not all of it will and the way I see it is that some improvement is better than the status quo, so is worth striving for.

[Zen Dragonfly]

Rainbow Connection, I am very sorry for your loss.
Time is the best doctor in such cases. Please give yourself time to grief and process the loss.
Since your mother was the only person who accepted you, with her gone,
there is nothing left to hold you back (at"home").
I agree with those who recommended you to move. Besides, it seems you've made up your mind already.
I understand you are concerned about your daughter, but she is still a child, you are the adult and you're making decision for the both of you. She is a teenager and it is understandable that she doesn't want to leave the familiar surroundings, friends, school, etc.
But in this cyber age, she'll have no problem staying in touch with them.
She is scared of a new place, new school and not having friends, but she will adapt, believe me.

The difference between NY and CA is huge, you need to makeup your mind. You lived in NY before and probably have friends there who can offer you moral support in this time of need, plus NY inspires you.
Have you ever lived in CA? Any support there? You'll need it.

Family...
Just because we're blood-related to certain people does not make us obligated to love them.
We can't choose family, we're born into one.
Every family is dysfunctional in their own way, some more screwed up than others.
I see no reason for you to stay in a toxic environment.
It is not healthy and it doesn't help your depression.
Pack your bags and go. Change is good

[virgode]

Heres my concern taken from another thread;

"sorry i wrote so much. comes from part of my mental health disability". not the cancer.

Are you currently undergoing cancer treatment? If so, is the change realistic at this time?