Is tough love even possible with a violent paranoid schizophrenic sibling? Need balance! (addicted, schizophrenia)
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My brother is 40. Ever since he was about 23 or so, he's had episodes of paranoia, and has been unable to keep a job for long. He has used drugs and alcohol in excess since his teen years (seemed normal in childhood, though he did not ever have what I would call a "warm" personality). I am not sure when his first diagnosis was, but he was being treated for schizophrenia by 2010. He was married for about 12 years to a very private and frankly standoffish woman, and lived several hours from our family, so though we suspected that he had mental and/or substance abuse issues, and literally BEGGED him to seek treatment, he refused to cooperate with us and the full extent of his problems was hidden from us. I think he only finally received some form of treatment in a last ditch effort to hold his marriage together. However, he did not stay on the meds or continue the treatment for more than a few months. Eventually he lost yet another job, and his wife divorced him. So - he ended up at my parents' house - again - where he had been coming off and on for years, in between jobs, for vacations, on the weekends, etc. His marriage has been very troubled for the duration.
Long story short, we just found out about his diagnosis. Prior to that, since he and his wife refused to discuss any of this with us, we had all attempted to enforce "tough love" in order to deal with his emotional tirades, rudeness, rantings, threats, etc. Frankly, he is very unpleasant and abusive, and frightening at times. Some of our fears were confirmed last week, when he broke into a neighbor's home at 3 am, threatened to kill him, attacked him, and when the young man broke loose and ran into the woods, where he hid for several hours in fear, my brother ransacked his house, ate a lot of his food, took a bath there, then left there and went to my parents' guest house and broke windows, doors, etc. We had to call the police, who took him into custody and took him to a state mental facility for evaluation before he faces charges.
When they entered his home (long story, but my parents own a large family farm, with several guest accomodations on it, and my brother was living in one), the police found tons of Nazi paraphernalia, many weapons, fake bombs, etc etc. Also, he had ransacked his own place, and beat his own vehicle up so badly that it is totaled. He also broke into an outbuilding. He also intentionally wrecked my father's mower, and had tied a refrigerator to the back of my parents' tractor and dragged it down the road.
Anyway - it was a terrible ordeal for our family. Now the neighbors have started coming forward and telling us about events of the past month involving my brother's threatening behavior, verbal abuse, etc. They have made it very clear to my family that they do not want him around the property anymore.
My parents are in their seventies. It breaks my heart to see THEIR hearts broken over this.
My brother has verbally abused us for decades, and has become increasingly threatening to my parents and to me, to the point that we have had to call the police several times in order to get him out of our houses. Now we see that he is fully capable not only of verbal threats, but of real violence. His friends have finally begun to come forward and tell us that he has told them he will not take medication. He has told me in the past that he will not continue medical care.
Local law enforcement has told us that after he is diagnosed and treated, he will face criminal charges. We are concerned that the charges will be dropped since we have found in his ransacked house evidence that he has been treated in 2010 for schizophrenia, and that he has recently told people that he had stopped taking his meds. We are frankly afraid of him, and now he is FURIOUS with us because we called the police (actually, the young man whose house he broke into called the police but we have cooperated fully with law enforcement) and because my father had him committed. To be honest, it is a huge relief to have him confined and under professional care - but we know that won't last forever.
He refuses to allow my parents to have access to his medical records. When he calls them, all he does is rant and rave at them. He denies any violent behavior on his part and insists that everyone is overreacting and that everyone is out to ruin his "reality TV show life." He is calling his high school buddies up (his drinking/drug buddies over the years) and insisting that they pack up some guns and come break him out of the facility (of course they are refusing).
My question is this - How do we balance protecting ourselves and others, with helping my brother? We simply cannot tolerate such behavior, regardless of the cause. We don't want to be PUNITIVE but we want to be able to protect ourselves and the community, and help my brother at the same time. Please advise.
Schizophrenia is incurable.
If he will not take his meds there is no hope for him.
They don't take them because they will not admit that they have a problem.
To them the problem is the rest of the world.
"Tough love" will not work. He'll likely just think that you are plotting against him.
The alcohol always brings out the worst in these people.
I don't know what you can do to protect yourself. You could have him committed to an institution, but then when he is on his good behavior they will let him go.
Have you talked to a lawyer?
I'm sorry that you and your family have to go thru this. Has anyone else in your family every had such problems? Grand parents or other ancestors? The condition is heritable, and can be so mild as to be almost undetectable, except for various personality "quirks".
I was married to a schizo for 5 years. He was only mildly affected at the time, but I couldn't handle his strange way of reasoning and so I left. It was later when he got worse that he was diagnosed.
...My question is this - How do we balance protecting ourselves and others, with helping my brother? We simply cannot tolerate such behavior, regardless of the cause. We don't want to be PUNITIVE but we want to be able to protect ourselves and the community, and help my brother at the same time. Please advise.
First priority is protecting yourself. Install bars on the windows, get a taser, other personal protective devices if necessary.
Next priority is protecting the community.
Then last priority is helping your brother with whatever time/emotions/money you have left.
Sort of like donating money to charity. If all your bills are taken care of, THEN consider giving money away to others. You would not want to give money to a charity, then not have enough money to pay your rent for example.
Schizophrenia is incurable.
If he will not take his meds there is no hope for him.
They don't take them because they will not admit that they have a problem.
To them the problem is the rest of the world.
Yep, this is my brother to a tee. He has always focused on the faults (or his perceived idea of faults) in others and completely disregarded the obvious ramifications of his own cruel, thoughtless, and irresponsible actions. Everything has always been everyone else's fault.
For instance, he called my parents last night and said, "OK - I am meeting withe the psychiatrist today. I am sure they will release me. I want my money, my truck and my belongings waiting for me. You will never see me again." My dad said, "Son, do you realize that you have felony charges that you have to face? If you do leave there, it's going to be in the back seat of a police car and on your way to confinement till you face your charges." My brother said, "Well - they finally got me. They finally did me in." Right. YOU didn't go on a rampage, attack people, break and enter homes, ransack everything, destroy property, and fill your living space with weapons, fake bombs, and Nazi paraphernalia. Hmm.
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"Tough love" will not work. He'll likely just think that you are plotting against him.
The alcohol always brings out the worst in these people.
He has always thought I specifically was plotting against him, trying to "get his inheritance." He absolutely hates me. I am relieved that he's confined right now.
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I don't know what you can do to protect yourself. You could have him committed to an institution, but then when he is on his good behavior they will let him go.
Have you talked to a lawyer?
I am going to find out if I can get a restraining order against him. My parents have met with an attorney as well, and they are not going to pay for his defense, because he is guilty of all the crimes he's charged with. Apparently if he is released, he will be released into the custody of the criminal justice system and will face the charges against him.
I also have an alarm system and surveillance cameras. And two 70 pound watch dogs. And a gun. I don't know what else I can do.
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I'm sorry that you and your family have to go thru this. Has anyone else in your family every had such problems? Grand parents or other ancestors? The condition is heritable, and can be so mild as to be almost undetectable, except for various personality "quirks".
Yes, there is a history of mental illness in my family, on my mother's side. Every generation for as far back as we can trace has at least one mentally ill family member - when I say mentally ill, I mean severely so - as in having to have an appointed guardian. I believe that all of these relatives have suffered from schizophrenia.
Unfortunately, schizophrenia often manifests itself in extremely unpleasant and often threatening behavior. It's very difficult to maintain a loving relationship with the people who have been affected.
I do have lots of cousins and aunts however, who are perfectly normal - in fact, very loving and healthy people. Fortunately for me, I haven't struggled with schizophrenia or any other mental illness. I am blessed. But it's been very sad to watch the downward spiral of several family members over several generations. Had I known that it could be hereditary, I would have reconsidered having children, and I'm serious about that. So far, however, my four adult children and their children seem to have escaped the schizophrenia bullet.
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I was married to a schizo for 5 years. He was only mildly affected at the time, but I couldn't handle his strange way of reasoning and so I left. It was later when he got worse that he was diagnosed.
I am sorry that you had to go thru that. I can't imagine being married to a person with this illness. And yes, my brother's episodes seem to be triggered by personal crises - which unfortunately he usually has brought on himself by his abusive behaviors.
First priority is protecting yourself. Install bars on the windows, get a taser, other personal protective devices if necessary.
Next priority is protecting the community.
Then last priority is helping your brother with whatever time/emotions/money you have left.
Sort of like donating money to charity. If all your bills are taken care of, THEN consider giving money away to others. You would not want to give money to a charity, then not have enough money to pay your rent for example.
Points taken. Thanks.
It's such an emotional roller coaster. On one hand, I feel so sorry for him and want to help him. But on the other hand, I know that he is dangerous to himself and others, and I am not willing to endanger the family or community by allowing him access. Also, right now he's not focusing on me - he's focusing his anger on my parents, who live in a gated community which does offer some protection if he gets released.
We have a daughter in her 50's with schizo now for over 20 years.She was on medicaid and was taken care of by Meridian Health Care who supervised her and had her living independently.The down fall came when prescription drugs thru Medicare became law.
The drugs were her tie to Medicaid,when she was made to use Medicare she was made to take care of herself which was her downfall.No place nor care for these people,we had to cut our tie.
There is little you can do for him, other than to find resources for him . . .but there is a lot you can do for yourselves. Take care of yourselves and let him sort out his life. If you believe in God, pray for him and pray for all of the people involved. Sounds like there has been a lot of denial in your family.
They do have support groups for people who have relatives who are mentally ill. Maybe that might help you, your siblings, and your parents cope better.
At this point there is not much you can do for your brother. If he's incarcerated you can lobby for him to go to a unit with a good mental health clinic and they may be able to force him to take medication. If he is not incarcerated you could start the process of having him committed, but I understand that is very difficult to do.
Sounds like he is a genuine threat to you and your parents and protecting yourselves should be your first priority. A restraining order will not do you much good because your brother won't think about it logically, as in, "If I go over there I'll be thrown in jail." He needs to be locked up, either in jail or a mental health facility so he can be stabilized.
Kathryn,
I have been working with people with Schizophrenia in the mental health system for (gasp!) about 20 years now.
I don't know the laws in your state, or what state your brother lives in. Mental health laws vary greatly state-to-state. If you PM me, I can look up what info I might have on his state.
The number one thing should be protecting yourself, and your parents protecting themselves. If that means getting a protection order, do it. If that means security system, etc, do it.
Then, depending on what type of commitment status he's on, the hospital may or may not just discharge him. You or your parents can have input into this decision, and advocate on his behalf and on your own behalf. If you are involved in getting the commitment extended, have a clear specific list of behaviors he's shown, especially any that incuded a danger to self or others, with dates and witnesses. If he has ever made threats and then followed through on those threats, include that. Have this typed up on paper, and sign it (or have your parents sign it) and give a copy to the hospital, asking for it to become part of his record. Hospitals, even state hospitals, are more reluctant to discharge a person arbitrarily if there is documentation in writing of risk factors like this. They fear negligence lawsuits coming back and biting them in the ass. I know YOU feel an obligation to protect the community, but in truth, the hospital currently treating him and the involved criminal justice system has that obligation, not you. You can give them all the info they need, but they can take it or leave it. But you've then done your part.
Like the other person said, a classic "tough love" approach is not likely to work with a person with acute psychosis. Neither is an "intervention," which would be a specific type of tough-love approach that works with a lot of addicts. A psychotic person is not "addicted" to his behavior, and isn't likely to have any insight about it. In many cases he may not even have control over his behavior, even behavior that looks very intentional.
The decision to stay in his life or not is totally up to you and your parents separately. But the prognosis for people with schizophrenia who DO have involved family members is better than for people with no involved family. If you stay involved, read some good books for family members of schizophrenics, like Surviving Schizophrenia (a classic) and Coping With Schizophrenia (excellent but lesser known). There are many others. Join your local NAMI chapter, and get your parents to join one near them. NAMI will provide lots of information as well as support. NAMI members become "experts" on the mental health services and mental health related laws in their states.
There is no easy blanket answer to how to best deal with severely mentally ill people in the criminal justice system. I've seen cases where the person is completely unaware of the impact of their behavior and completely without control over it, and those folks need to be out of the criminal justice system and treated intensively in the MH system. I've seen cases where a person happens to have a mental illness, but his behavior is intentional, conscious, and planned, and he has total control over it. Those folks need to stay in the criminal justice system, with some MH services added on. But most people fall somewhere in between. Don't be surprised, however, if he gets turned over to the criminal justice system and they later just drop the charges because of his mental illness.
I've found that with some clients who keep refusing meds and services and keep decompensating and engaging in dangerous behavior, having some legal "leverage" can be helpful. Some clients will take meds and come to sessions if they understand that if they stop, their probation or parole will be revoked and they'll go to jail, or their conditional hospital discharge or outpatient commitment will kick in, and they'll get committed to inpatient.
It's really, really, hard to have a person you love be so sick. Sometimes you have to back away, just giving the message, "I still love you, but I can't have you in my life right now." That doesn't mean you'd have to cut him off forever. Your relationship with him is going to change a thousand times in the next 30 years or so. Nothing you decide now will be forever.
It might be a moot point, since he is currently in custody, but I would have your parents attorney start to prepare for the involuntary commitment process. As painful as it is, it is necessary in his case for the safety of him, your family and the community.
Collect the police reports, get statements from friends, family, his victims and other neighbours, anyone who has knowledge of his behaviours. Be prepared to present your case at a hearing.
Remember that you can not "Love" someone like him into getting better or acting in a reasonable manner.
Your family sounds like a loving caring family, do the right thing for everyone.
Good luck and stay strong.
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