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I think I understand what you're saying that you won't stop being angry and hating them for what they did. Let's put that another way—you refuse to absolve them, or deny that they hold any responsibility for what they did to you. For the hurt and damage they caused you. Is that more accurate? To absolve them means that they are off the hook, and that they didn't do anything that bad . . . but they did do something bad, and it still needs to be called bad.
Again all I can do is repeat that so many people try to put all the focus and responsibility on the victim, as if you are the one creating the problem for being angry and not "getting over it" quickly enough. You don't have to do that. You take as much time as you need, but at the same time, try to focus more on doing nice things for yourself, positive things, as a way to reward yourself. For your own sake, stop thinking about these douchebags as much. Not because you want to "absolve" them, but because you're too busy making yourself into a fabulous, successful person.
And one more thought before I shut up. You are grieving over the happiness that you lost, the sense of well-being and self-esteem that you were robbed of, and it's true, and it sucks. But you are so young (even though you don't see how young just yet ) and you will regain a lot of the happiness and confidence that you lost. Maybe it'll happen gradually, maybe it will be a sudden epiphany, but it will happen, and it won't take forever either. Just give it time!
You seem to be understanding of all this. That's exactly how I feel. I refuse to absolve them and I refuse to let them off the hook. They terrorized me and not a single one of them apologized. It'll always be unforgivable to me. However, I'm starting to realize that it'll be very unlikely that I'll get revenge against them and that it's time to move on. I will start treating myself more and hopefully it works. I want to leave the events behind in the past but I refuse to forgive.
You seem to be understanding of all this. That's exactly how I feel. I refuse to absolve them and I refuse to let them off the hook. They terrorized me and not a single one of them apologized. It'll always be unforgivable to me. However, I'm starting to realize that it'll be very unlikely that I'll get revenge against them and that it's time to move on. I will start treating myself more and hopefully it works. I want to leave the events behind in the past but I refuse to forgive.
Yes, I think I understand.
What's tripping some people up, and making them not understand your feelings, is that you say "I refuse to forgive." That sounds like you're some bitter, overly angry person who is refusing to stop stewing about something.
What I see is someone who has suffered great harm, and who has never really had anyone acknowledge that it was wrong and bad and it was THE BULLIES who were wrong and bad, not you.
Like I keep on saying, I think a lot of people focus on controlling the victim's reaction, and don't spend enough time expressing outrage for what the bullies did. Maybe if you got more validation at the time, that yes, this was wrong, (instead of you feeling like you had to bury your feelings, to be "strong" and "take it") that this wouldn't be bubbling over now. Sooner or later, the feelings have to come out. So you need to let them come out.
I can relate to your situation because I had a lot of the same things happen to me. I was harrassed unmercifully, and it seemed like, "Don't ask, don't tell, sweep it under the rug." One thing I remember that was so frustrating was that when I'd talk about how tormented I was at school, all I got was "advice" on how I was supposed to change. I was always the one who needed to do something different. If I didn't change in some way, well, I was "asking for it"! What did I expect would happen if I didn't change? I mean, heaven forbid we expect the bullies to stop bullying! Right? It must be all my fault because I couldn't bob and weave well enough to avoid my bullies! No, we spend all our time focusing on what the victim should do, should not do, should wear, should not wear, and not one iota of time spent punishing the bullies or even acknowledging that they are bullies at all! What the hell!
Yes, I'm still pissed off about that, so many years later! I hate how we as a culture spend way too much time blaming the victim.
Raw anger and outrage from a victim is awkward and uncomfortable to watch. So rather than allow the victim to get it all out, and rather than face the bully and make THEM deal with the consequences of their actions (the damage they did to their victim) everyone sweeps it under the rug. So what then happens is that the victim bottles it up for years, and finally they say enough and they let it all out. And then everyone is like, "OMG! That was so many years ago! Why aren't you over it by now!" But what the hell, nobody let the victim get over it at the time! It's got to come out eventually! LOL!
I understand why people say that being "unforgiving" is damaging to you. Because there is truth in that. If you keep stewing and stewing about this forever, then yes, it would hurt you. But what I see is that you've never been allowed to get it out of your system. Everyone's always trying to get you to push it back in. I think that once you get it out, that you can stop thinking about it as much.
It's been more than ten years (cough! LOL!) since I was bullied in school. I still do carry some scars from it. I won't lie. A lot of the harassment happened in math class, and I still don't like math. I never learned a thing because I was tormented all the time, and I fell behind, and... yeah. But after years of doing positive things in life, of finding that I'm not worthless, not hideous, not the nothing that my bullies tried to convince me that I was, I discover that I can barely remember the names of my tormentors. In fact, I don't know their names anymore! I can't say I'd recognize them if I saw them on the street. Is this "forgiveness"? I don't know, maybe it is. After all these years, I'll guess that my bullies are completely different people, and I doubt that they're all still bullying everyone they meet. So I really don't care about them anymore, not them. I still feel anger about bullying in general, but if these my former tormentors aren't bullies anymore, then I don't care about them.
So, that's what I think will probably happen to you. Eventually. It will happen not because someone else kept telling you that YOU must "forgive," but because you will have spent time developing your life, finding happiness, finding fulfilling things to do, and all of these positive things in your life will push out the negative, in other words, these bullies. Then, and only then, can you decide if what you feel (in the future) is classified as "forgiveness." Only you can decide to do that.
Hope that helps! I wish you well! It sounds like you know what you must do, and I think you're going to be fine.
Last edited by elvira310; 03-20-2016 at 05:19 AM..
What's tripping some people up, and making them not understand your feelings, is that you say "I refuse to forgive." That sounds like you're some bitter, overly angry person who is refusing to stop stewing about something.
What I see is someone who has suffered great harm, and who has never really had anyone acknowledge that it was wrong and bad and it was THE BULLIES who were wrong and bad, not you.
Like I keep on saying, I think a lot of people focus on controlling the victim's reaction, and don't spend enough time expressing outrage for what the bullies did. Maybe if you got more validation at the time, that yes, this was wrong, (instead of you feeling like you had to bury your feelings, to be "strong" and "take it") that this wouldn't be bubbling over now. Sooner or later, the feelings have to come out. So you need to let them come out.
I can relate to your situation because I had a lot of the same things happen to me. I was harrassed unmercifully, and it seemed like, "Don't ask, don't tell, sweep it under the rug." One thing I remember that was so frustrating was that when I'd talk about how tormented I was at school, all I got was "advice" on how I was supposed to change. I was always the one who needed to do something different. If I didn't change in some way, well, I was "asking for it"! What did I expect would happen if I didn't change? I mean, heaven forbid we expect the bullies to stop bullying! Right? It must be all my fault because I couldn't bob and weave well enough to avoid my bullies! No, we spend all our time focusing on what the victim should do, should not do, should wear, should not wear, and not one iota of time spent punishing the bullies or even acknowledging that they are bullies at all! What the hell!
Yes, I'm still pissed off about that, so many years later! I hate how we as a culture spend way too much time blaming the victim.
Raw anger and outrage from a victim is awkward and uncomfortable to watch. So rather than allow the victim to get it all out, and rather than face the bully and make THEM deal with the consequences of their actions (the damage they did to their victim) everyone sweeps it under the rug. So what then happens is that the victim bottles it up for years, and finally they say enough and they let it all out. And then everyone is like, "OMG! That was so many years ago! Why aren't you over it by now!" But what the hell, nobody let the victim get over it at the time! It's got to come out eventually! LOL!
I understand why people say that being "unforgiving" is damaging to you. Because there is truth in that. If you keep stewing and stewing about this forever, then yes, it would hurt you. But what I see is that you've never been allowed to get it out of your system. Everyone's always trying to get you to push it back in. I think that once you get it out, that you can stop thinking about it as much.
It's been more than ten years (cough! LOL!) since I was bullied in school. I still do carry some scars from it. I won't lie. A lot of the harassment happened in math class, and I still don't like math. I never learned a thing because I was tormented all the time, and I fell behind, and... yeah. But after years of doing positive things in life, of finding that I'm not worthless, not hideous, not the nothing that my bullies tried to convince me that I was, I discover that I can barely remember the names of my tormentors. In fact, I don't know their names anymore! I can't say I'd recognize them if I saw them on the street. Is this "forgiveness"? I don't know, maybe it is. After all these years, I'll guess that my bullies are completely different people, and I doubt that they're all still bullying everyone they meet. So I really don't care about them anymore, not them. I still feel anger about bullying in general, but if these my former tormentors aren't bullies anymore, then I don't care about them.
So, that's what I think will probably happen to you. Eventually. It will happen not because someone else kept telling you that YOU must "forgive," but because you will have spent time developing your life, finding happiness, finding fulfilling things to do, and all of these positive things in your life will push out the negative, in other words, these bullies. Then, and only then, can you decide if what you feel (in the future) is classified as "forgiveness." Only you can decide to do that.
Hope that helps! I wish you well! It sounds like you know what you must do, and I think you're going to be fine.
live on and forget it . I was Bullied as a child and forgot all about it. Let Karma take care of it , If it is that Bad Karma will fix it. Many People do not Believe in Karma But for some strange Co-Incidence it seems to Work. Plus- Forgive and Forget. Forgiveness is a very Big part of our lives, Don't carry it with you, Bad feelings Toward someone that is NOT GOOD !
Just Let it GO and if it is really that Bad Let Karma Handle it. Sorry for what ever Happened But DON'T Hold on to it . It can Hurt you Instead. ALL the Best . Bob.
live on and forget it . I was Bullied as a child and forgot all about it. Let Karma take care of it , If it is that Bad Karma will fix it. Many People do not Believe in Karma But for some strange Co-Incidence it seems to Work. Plus- Forgive and Forget. Forgiveness is a very Big part of our lives, Don't carry it with you, Bad feelings Toward someone that is NOT GOOD ! Just Let it GO and if it is really that Bad Let Karma Handle it. Sorry for what ever Happened But DON'T Hold on to it . It can Hurt you Instead. ALL the Best . Bob.
Thanks and I appreciate your input. However, I don't believe in Karma. Those guys and girls who bullied me will never see any repercussions for doing what they did and because of that, I'll never forgive. I still feel pain because of what they did and my sense of self-image and self-esteem is pretty much damaged beyond repair. I'll always have bad feelings towards all of them and that's the revenge I'll decide to take because I'll probably never get to exact any other type of revenge towards them.
Thanks and I appreciate your input. However, I don't believe in Karma. Those guys and girls who bullied me will never see any repercussions for doing what they did and because of that, I'll never forgive. I still feel pain because of what they did and my sense of self-image and self-esteem is pretty much damaged beyond repair.
Now, DON'T SAY THAT!!! You don't know that. I don't think you'll be 100% the person you were before the bullying, but you can't have a defeatist attitude, like "I'll never get over it, never!" Because if you say that, you never will. Remember what I was telling you before—push out the bad, replace it with new and good. The scars will fade in time. You will never be the person you were before, and that's sad. But think of it this way. There are people who have easier lives, they are "golden boys" (and girls) and then later on in their life (in their 20s, 30s, older) they have a real devastating set-back. They can't cope with it because they've never dealt with anything like that before. Because they're THEM! They are fantastic and everyone thinks they're great! Then when they finally face something bad, they can't cope and it's messy.
You suffered a lot of pain, but now life is looking up. You should be looking forward to a better future. Things will go UP for you.
Also remember that lot of the horrible, ridiculously cruel bullying that happens in school is not tolerated in the real world. If a guy sexually harasses a girl in school, it's like, "Boys will be boys." (Ask me how I know! ) A guy sexually harasses a girl in real life, he can get fired from his job, and depending on the nature of the harassment, he can get arrested. School does NOT reflect real life. You're in the real world now, where bullies get smacked down. They get sued, they get fired, they get arrested.
After what you've been through, you can tell yourself in the future, "I survived that hellhole, this [new challenge] is nothing!" Trust me, it's happened to me. There have been a few times when something really hurt me, really wounded me, but I reminded myself, "I've been through much worse than this and made it through! It's too late for anyone to try to convince me that I can't make it!" It's true.
Quote:
I'll always have bad feelings towards all of them and that's the revenge I'll decide to take because I'll probably never get to exact any other type of revenge towards them.
What will be more likely to happen is that these bullies of yours will create their own hell. If they never suffered consequences for what they did, then they will keep on doing crappy things, always assuming that they're the "golden boy" (or girl) who can get away with everything. But eventually it will catch up with them, and it'll be far worse because the lessons they needed to learn were delayed. They are now "old enough to know better" and people won't cut them slack "because they're kids." If they're your age or older, they're adults, and will face adult consequences.
Like you said one of your tormentors is being sought by the police for shooting someone? He's probably going to end up in prison. That sounds like "karma" to me, though it wasn't directly related to what he did to you. People like that end up creating their own bad karma.
I keep on telling you, you just have to give yourself time to heal. You will start to feel better. The sooner you start doing positive things for yourself and you start meeting genuinely decent people, the sooner you can start rebuilding your life and realizing that you have a lot going for you.
Now, DON'T SAY THAT!!! You don't know that. I don't think you'll be 100% the person you were before the bullying, but you can't have a defeatist attitude, like "I'll never get over it, never!" Because if you say that, you never will. Remember what I was telling you before—push out the bad, replace it with new and good. The scars will fade in time. You will never be the person you were before, and that's sad. But think of it this way. There are people who have easier lives, they are "golden boys" (and girls) and then later on in their life (in their 20s, 30s, older) they have a real devastating set-back. They can't cope with it because they've never dealt with anything like that before. Because they're THEM! They are fantastic and everyone thinks they're great! Then when they finally face something bad, they can't cope and it's messy.
You suffered a lot of pain, but now life is looking up. You should be looking forward to a better future. Things will go UP for you.
Also remember that lot of the horrible, ridiculously cruel bullying that happens in school is not tolerated in the real world. If a guy sexually harasses a girl in school, it's like, "Boys will be boys." (Ask me how I know! ) A guy sexually harasses a girl in real life, he can get fired from his job, and depending on the nature of the harassment, he can get arrested. School does NOT reflect real life. You're in the real world now, where bullies get smacked down. They get sued, they get fired, they get arrested.
After what you've been through, you can tell yourself in the future, "I survived that hellhole, this [new challenge] is nothing!" Trust me, it's happened to me. There have been a few times when something really hurt me, really wounded me, but I reminded myself, "I've been through much worse than this and made it through! It's too late for anyone to try to convince me that I can't make it!" It's true.
You're right about it not being tolerated post-school. I'm so happy that I'm done and out of that environment. The reason why I sounded so defeated was because that it's almost 10 years later and I still suffer from some of the effects of what they did. I still feel ugly and inferior sometimes, and it's easy to just say that they were lying or just get over it, but it's not. I feel like only people that were bullied or degraded can understand.
Quote:
Originally Posted by elvira310
What will be more likely to happen is that these bullies of yours will create their own hell. If they never suffered consequences for what they did, then they will keep on doing crappy things, always assuming that they're the "golden boy" (or girl) who can get away with everything. But eventually it will catch up with them, and it'll be far worse because the lessons they needed to learn were delayed. They are now "old enough to know better" and people won't cut them slack "because they're kids." If they're your age or older, they're adults, and will face adult consequences.
Like you said one of your tormentors is being sought by the police for shooting someone? He's probably going to end up in prison. That sounds like "karma" to me, though it wasn't directly related to what he did to you. People like that end up creating their own bad karma.
I keep on telling you, you just have to give yourself time to heal. You will start to feel better. The sooner you start doing positive things for yourself and you start meeting genuinely decent people, the sooner you can start rebuilding your life and realizing that you have a lot going for you.
I just want something to happen to them that tears them down like they did me. I hope every single one of them experiences something like that as some form of "karma". If that makes me a bad person for wanting that then so be it. The worst part of the memories and anger associated with it is that there's no one to direct it at, I don't see these people anymore and I don't want to. Some people may say that it's pathetic to dislike people who did something to you way back then, but people just don't understand how much of a toll bullying can take on someone.
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You are grieving over the happiness that you lost, the sense of well-being and self-esteem that you were robbed of, and it's true, and it sucks. But you are so young (even though you don't see how young just yet 
No, we spend all our time focusing on what the victim should do, should not do, should wear, should not wear, and not one iota of time spent punishing the bullies or even acknowledging that they are bullies at all! What the hell! 
