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Still sounds like sociopathy over aspergers. I found it more like dealing with an emotional maturity level of a child rather than a heartless monster that others apparently see.
It's not being a heartless monster. It's someone who truly doesn't understand how to relate to people or that they should. I have been trying to teach this to my son for years. he has a big heart, he just doesn't relate to people well.
I don't think so. They just can't relate.
As far as my husband goes, he has been willing to make behavior changes. But, because he's just going through the motions that are 'scripted', he will do it for literally 2 or 3 weeks and then slide right back. It just doesn't click. I think that our issues go back to step one: admitting he has a problem. I don't think he believes he has a problem, but he will go along with it just to keep peace. So, he doesn't stick with it because his heart isn't in it.
I had a relationship with a person with Asperger's back in the days before anyone had every heard of it. I had no idea why he behaved the way he did. I was just baffled. We drifted apart.
25 years later we got in touch again. He wanted to start a relationship. By that time his symptoms had gotten much more intense than they were in his youth. He had no ability to relate to people as people, to enter into their emotional worlds, to be aware of their needs, or even to show interest in them. He was completely consumed by one obsession (his work). He had no understanding of the impact of his actions on others. I decided (easily) that I could never be in a relationship with someone who didn't have the ability OR THE MOTIVATION to see me as a human being with feelings and needs. It's not that he was abusive or mean. In fact he's rather mellow. It's more that he wasn't really aware of my presence. He readily acknowledged that he had Asperger's but had no motivation to learn to relate to people. [Aspies can change but they need to be motivated to do so.] I would also say he has a tendency to use people, to see them in terms of how they can benefit him.
Example of a typical incident: He called me on April 14 as I was doing my taxes at the last minute. He was insistent that I had to go to a party at his house THAT NIGHT. I filed for an extension on my taxes, packed my things, and drove 250 miles to his house, arriving exhausted. He showed no awareness that I was even at the party and when it was over he asked me why I had come. It seemed like he really didn't know why I was there, and he certainly had no awareness of the inconvenience of this 500-mile round trip. Why would an Aspie give a party, you ask? I don't know, because while everyone else was getting to know each other in the normal way, by asking questions (Where are you from? What do you do for work?), my friend told jokes all evening and didn't learn a single thing about anyone else. His behavior was strikingly different from everyone else's. Yes, he's very funny, which makes him likable, but his humor is a very superficial way of relating to people.
We contact each other a few times a year now, but I have zero expectations of him. I still have some affection for him but that is conditioned by the understanding that the relationship is 100% determined by HIS pattern of relating, HIS needs, HIS level of interest, and that that will never change. Today I just refuse to be in a relationship with no mutuality. No one should put herself through that. You have a right to expect mutuality. It makes no sense to resign yourself to the fact that your partner will never change and stay with him.
Sorry to sound so harsh toward Aspies, but mature, thoughtful, sensitive people spend their whole lives trying to become deeper, to understand others better, to form healthier bonds with others. Some would even say that that's the main reason we're here in this life. Those goals just aren't very high on the Aspie's list of priorities, which can set up a deep spiritual rift with others. My friend has achieved a very high level of success in his career (which doesn't involve other people very much), but he really hasn't changed much as a person in the last 40 years. I mean that literally. A relationship should carry both partners forward in their growth, shouldn't it?
Tbh, it sounds like your friend is selfish. You didn't help the situation by driving (insane) 250 miles to his house at the drop of a hat. What message do you think that sent to him?
Try living with him for 25 years. You might see a very different picture.
I probably could have been friends with DH if I could have kept him at arms-length. Unfortunately for me, I entrusted my emotional welfare to someone who has no idea what's going on most of the time.
Maybe DH does care but he doesn't care in a way that is useful to me. If he doesn't have a script for a particular situation, he shuts down.
Me: I'm dizzy and I'm having trouble breathing.
Him: (Aha! This has happened before! I have a script!) OK, I'm taking you to Urgent Care.
Me: I'm thinking about killing myself.
Him: What's for dinner?
To me, those two situations are not dissimilar at all. If someone came to me and confessed suicidal ideation, my response would be, "Let's get you some help. We'll do whatever's necessary to get you well again."
We spouses of Aspies believe in our experiences and the painful truths that emerge from them. Other people may find those truths uncomfortable but it doesn't matter what other people believe.
I don't know to be honest. I have personally convened in Aspergers social groups and from that experience alone, I can say that a lot of people with Aspergers do seem quite self absorbed and arrogant.
This behavior is especially prevalent with "lower" functioning individuals with Aspergers who will talk incessantly about their interests and not allow anyone to get a word in edgewise.
Nevertheless, your perseverance in helping your husband is admirable, most people don't have the tolerance/compassion to do such a thing.
Last edited by GymFanatic; 03-14-2017 at 11:37 PM..
Still sounds like sociopathy over aspergers. I found it more like dealing with an emotional maturity level of a child rather than a heartless monster that others apparently see.
Idk. I'm afraid some people diagnosed with Aspergers do seem babied and appear to display a distinct lack of willingness to learn ways of adapting to societal norms.
Last edited by GymFanatic; 03-14-2017 at 11:38 PM..
I never heard of asperger's meaning emotionless or selfishness - just difficulties communicating emotions or reading them from social cues, and becoming easily obsessed or fixated on particular things. fluffy's husband sounds like a sociopath....
Very true. The diagnostic criteria for ASD do not include "emotionless or selfishness." individuals who are diagnosed with ASD do indeed have emotions. They simply experience difficulty expressing their feelings to others.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GymFanatic
Idk. I'm afraid some people diagnosed with Aspergers do seem babied and appear to display a distinct lack of willingness to learn ways of adapting to societal norms.
Not true. Individuals who are diagnosed with ASD often want to learn how to adapt to social norms. The disorder makes this very difficult.
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