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My mom is 53 and is living with my grandmother who’s going to turn 80 this year.
A few weeks ago my grandmother showed me an article on her phone about oppositional defiant disorder and said she thought my mom had it.
My mom had issues growing up, often fought with her parents, they divorced when she was 10 which magnified and worsened the issues and she was passed back and forth every two years, always getting into trouble, didnt finish high school, barely worked in her 20s, had my brother and I and didn’t maintain a relationship with our fathers, barely held jobs to support us, has relied heavily on her parents for financial help. It’s just a long list of things she’s not doing right in life. She’s literally spent the last 53 years either completely or partially financially dependent, more often than not it’s been completely.
My grandmother is at her wits end.
My mom has only been living with her for 9 months and she can’t take it anymore.
My grandmother used to have a housekeeper/caregiver who came M-F and even cleaned once a week until my great grandmother passed away. She stayed after my great grandmother passed but the woman quit because she couldn’t get the house clean anymore in the 2 hours it used to take her once a week every Wednesday. My mom brought our dog we’ve had since teenagers and you have to ask her several times to clean up after herself. By the time my mom moved in the woman had found another caregiver job but still came once week after work for two hours to help. She got tired of my moms messes.
My mom stays up all night playing video games online, she sleeps all day, when asked to do something she tells everyone her back or neck hurts and she goes and lays down with her door shut, she orders $200 worth of food from Walmart every two week on my grandmothers card and it’s crap like corndogs and other frozen microwave food my grandmother doesn’t like, she buys 12 pack after 12 pack of Mountain Dew. All her teeth have had to be pulled because she didn’t take care of them. Fortunately no drugs have been involved.
Every time we go over the house is a mess and she’ll clean a few things and then get angry and tell people she’s not a slave and isn’t doing anymore for the night.
My grandmother is miserable, she used to have a nice clean house, one that was quiet and peaceful.
Now the blinds are always kept closed, the house smells like dog and trash because she leaves the bags of trash sitting inside because she’s too lazy to walk them to the trashcan.
For some stupid reason my dumb ass thought that when she moved out here my mom was going to help me out with my grandmother.
I have been going over to clean when asked and she usually only asks me to clean her bedroom. She also wants my mom to pick up after herself.
I thought she’d help me take my grandmother to doctors appointments, help me take her to her activities etc and she won’t. She’s leaving it all to me to do. She wouldn’t even help my grandmother with the doctors while my boyfriends parents were in town staying with us. I had to. My boyfriends mother is amazed my mom acts the way she acts and feels zero remorse.
I’ve been going over there and making her clean HER messes and it’s just making things worse when *I* ask her to do anything.
It’s come to a boiling point today. My almost 80 year old grandmother who’s done and given so much to my mom deserves better than this and she’s been texting me since 6:30 in the morning that her and my mom have been screaming at each other since 5am. She’s had 6 bypasses and 2 small strokes. She should be playing bingo, not arguing with some dingo.
Is this a mental health issue or she’s a total beeyotch issue? I’m no doctor but this isn’t normal.
This is elder abuse. Your grandmother is making a cry for help. Your mom needs to get out. Call APS....or your local Senior services Dept. and get some help for your grandmother. link below.
This is much more than ODD imo, but I'm no expert.....Your mom likely needs mental health help, which she may likely get if you contact Adult Protective Services....but right now your grandmother needs APS authorities to intervene asap.
You call, or if you aren't there Grandmother can call too, if you give her the info. about APS or tell her to call/or check out 211 online http://www.211.org/
Or, 911.
Also, assist your grandmother in calling her bank or credit card provider and getting a new card and number. Since your mother is out of control, you may have to keep the card.
Also, assist your grandmother in calling her bank or credit card provider and getting a new card and number. Since your mother is out of control, you may have to keep the card.
We’re hanging out right now.
I keep trying to tell her I don’t mind taking care of her, my boyfriend and I know we’ll probably take care of his parents too. I don’t like assisted living facilities, I’ve heard so many horror stories of abuse in homes.
I’d like to get a couple acres and build a small home customize everything. Like a one bed one bath with a small kitchen and living area. She can still make snacks and I know would want her own fridge and such.
My mom and I didn’t get along and still don’t. There are PAGES here of the crap I went through with her myself. I told myself when I was young I was going to dedicate my life to being the complete opposite of her. So far it’s worked out in my favor pretty well.
No one gets along with her and she’s even pushing my brother away and she’s been a total smother towards him his whole life. Now she just yells at him and then attends his hockey games and then later yells at him again.
We’re hanging out right now.
I keep trying to tell her I don’t mind taking care of her, my boyfriend and I know we’ll probably take care of his parents too. I don’t like assisted living facilities, I’ve heard so many horror stories of abuse in homes.
I’d like to get a couple acres and build a small home customize everything. Like a one bed one bath with a small kitchen and living area. She can still make snacks and I know would want her own fridge and such.
My mom and I didn’t get along and still don’t. There are PAGES here of the crap I went through with her myself. I told myself when I was young I was going to dedicate my life to being the complete opposite of her. So far it’s worked out in my favor pretty well.
No one gets along with her and she’s even pushing my brother away and she’s been a total smother towards him his whole life. Now she just yells at him and then attends his hockey games and then later yells at him again.
I wish I could find some way to move my mom out.
If she does not own the house or is not on the lease, you can have your grandmother legally evict her through the courts.
I wouldn't wait...call APS for help for grandmother...
I agree, she needs to go....both you and grandmother deserve a life of peace.
This is elder abuse. Your grandmother is making a cry for help. Your mom needs to get out. Call APS....or your local Senior services Dept. and get some help for your grandmother. link below.
This is much more than ODD imo, but I'm no expert.....Your mom likely needs mental health help, which she may likely get if you contact Adult Protective Services....but right now your grandmother needs APS authorities to intervene asap.
You call, or if you aren't there Grandmother can call too, if you give her the info. about APS or tell her to call/or check out 211 online 2-1-1.org
Or, 911.
Let us know how your doing as you can. Good luck
I completely agree with this. You and grandma need to do whatever necessary and take whatever steps required to get this woman out of her home!
A few weeks ago my grandmother showed me an article on her phone about oppositional defiant disorder and said she thought my mom had it.
Oppositional Defiant Disorder is a childhood disorder, and if not treated, can grow into Conduct Disorder, which is often a precursor to Antisocial Personality Disorder in adults. (Which means that your mom doesn't care what anyone thinks of what she does because part of the disorder is lack of empathy for others). But it doesn't really matter what her diagnosis is if she's making everyone around her miserable. You've received some good advice on this thread.
You and your grandmother can and should work together to GET YOUR MOTHER OUT OF HER HOUSE. That's step one. And I'd immediately change the debit/credit/bank information as a first step.
Enabling and abuse is what's going on. You and your grandmother have the power to get her out, so do it. And if your grandmother won't go hard core with this and cut the umbilical cord, then don't make it easier for her to enable your mom further.
Your mom needs a lot of help, mental help. She is completely dysfunctional. Does she have health insurance? Is she on disability? She needs therapy badly.
You could sit down with your grandmother and go over a list of house rules. If your mother can't or won't meet the expectations, she can be told she will need to move out.
I don't know if a tough love talk with help with your mother or not. I would try before giving her an eviction notice. Sometimes people will come around when they find their back is against the wall. She is obviously very stubborn, but as much as we criticize "slackers" in society we also need to recognize that most of them need professional help.
You and your grandmother can and should work together to GET YOUR MOTHER OUT OF HER HOUSE. That's step one. And I'd immediately change the debit/credit/bank information as a first step.
Enabling and abuse is what's going on. You and your grandmother have the power to get her out, so do it. And if your grandmother won't go hard core with this and cut the umbilical cord, then don't make it easier for her to enable your mom further.
Yeah my grandmother feels her hands are tied because she doesn’t want to put my mom out on the street and she’s worried if she does something and it pisses off my moms father, my grandmother ex husband that he’ll financially cut my mom off and cut her from his will. So she’s worried anything she does will result in my mother permantely being a financial burden on the whole family.
He’s currently paying for my moms cell phone, gas, car insurance, cigarettes and my grandmother is supplying a place to live and food.
I will have to look into getting her card changed because my mom had it saved to her Walmart app. She only grocery shops online and will go pick it up.
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