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I am not happy to be considering this.
I will offer some credibility here.
I have been requested to either stand or be an usher in 9 weddings through family or friend invites. I have never backed out of the duty once I accepted the request. I feel it is an honor to be considered to be included in two peoples potentially most important day of their life.
Now, IME there has been only one time I stood as groomsmen and then never heard from my friend again. I know this does happen, as sometimes people get married, and disappear a bit. Also, seldom, but possible is that a groomsmen request doesn't automatically mean you are great friends, it may simply be that the bride has 5 bridesmaids, and the groom had to reach to find the last groomsmen.
To my issue:
A friend of about 13 years now asked me to be an usher. I was a little dissappointed in usher status vs groomsmen, but it is his day, and I am happy to be involved. Turns out he has 8 groomsmen I think. He claims when he asked me to usher, he didnt realize that meant I wasnt actually 'standing'.
This is all fine, as I assumed we would have a great time celebrating his marriage, and bachelor party, and friendship.
This is where it gets tricky. The wedding is in July, and I have had no word on a bachelor party. And the groom is a guy in which there is NO WAY he wont have a bachelor party. Just no way.
I am feeling like I may be excluded from the bachelor party for some reason. Back when he asked me to usher, he said there will be a vegas bachelor party, so on and so on.
But honestly, I feel kinda crappy about the fact that I am expected to spring for a $200 ish tuxedo, and a minimum $100 wedding gift, and yet Im not included in the bachelor party.
Mind you, the truth is, this 13 year friendship is mostly based on college days, and the occasional post college bar type hang out. We very seldom do actual 'friend' activities. More just drinking buddies mostly.
I stood in one wedding in which a groomsmen ghosted the groom, and never appeared to show up for the wedding. One guy in all the weddings that I personally know of.
If I decide to back out of ushering, I wont ghost on my friend, as I will probably call him around tux fitting time and just say something to the affect of, "Sorry guy, I can't usher. I feel bad, but with my health issues, and everything, I will have to pass. Thanks for the honor of requesting my inclusion."
You may ask, how good a friend is this?
I set him up with a job years ago. I have given him copies of cd's i thought were good. Typical 'friend' type behavior.
Him, outside of inviting me to social events (typcially boozing) he really behaves as nothing more than a drinking buddy. (he even turned down me askin for a couple hours of his time to help me move not too long ago)
What do I do? Do I swallow my feelings, and let this guy kind of use me? He has many friends and family, as a replacement for an usher shouldnt be a big deal. Or, he could even have a groomsman pick up the slack. Anyone who has been in a wedding should know how it works.
Should I even be insulted here? At this point, I dont expect to be invited to the bachelor party, and any guy knows that this is a huge insult, and basically means the groom doesn't consider you a friend.
I hadn't heard of the practice of having separate groomsmen and ushers. In all the weddings I've participated in, they performed both duties. My initial thoughts are, if he doesn't consider you one of his chosen 8, then you really don't owe him the expense and time involved. It doesn't sound as though you are being paired with a bridesmaid, you are an "extra".
My son's best man backed out 3 weeks before the wedding. I thought it was a crummy thing to do, but my DH stepped into the roll. You won't cause anywhere near that disruption.
But, the only thing I question is backing out based on the lack of an invitation to the bachelor party. If the best man is organizing it, he may very well think he has plenty of time to get the invites out, it's only April, so it could be 3 months away. Do you know the best man? Would you feel comfortable reaching out and letting him know you are open to an invitation, assuming you want one?
[quote=Mattie;28992330]I hadn't heard of the practice of having separate groomsmen and ushers. In all the weddings I've participated in, they performed both duties. My initial thoughts are, if he doesn't consider you one of his chosen 8, then you really don't owe him the expense and time involved. It doesn't sound as though you are being paired with a bridesmaid, you are an "extra".
My son's best man backed out 3 weeks before the wedding. I thought it was a crummy thing to do, but my DH stepped into the roll. You won't cause anywhere near that disruption.
But, the only thing I question is backing out based on the lack of an invitation to the bachelor party. If the best man is organizing it, he may very well think he has plenty of time to get the invites out, it's only April, so it could be 3 months away. Do you know the best man? Would you feel comfortable reaching out and letting him know you are open to an invitation, assuming you want one?[/quote]
I agree. If the main problem is the bachelors party check it out with the best man or other groomsmen.
If the main problem is that you don't want to be an usher just say "No thank you."
I hadn't heard of the practice of having separate groomsmen and ushers. In all the weddings I've participated in, they performed both duties. My initial thoughts are, if he doesn't consider you one of his chosen 8, then you really don't owe him the expense and time involved. It doesn't sound as though you are being paired with a bridesmaid, you are an "extra".
My son's best man backed out 3 weeks before the wedding. I thought it was a crummy thing to do, but my DH stepped into the roll. You won't cause anywhere near that disruption.
But, the only thing I question is backing out based on the lack of an invitation to the bachelor party. If the best man is organizing it, he may very well think he has plenty of time to get the invites out, it's only April, so it could be 3 months away. Do you know the best man? Would you feel comfortable reaching out and letting him know you are open to an invitation, assuming you want one?[/quote]
I agree. If the main problem is the bachelors party check it out with the best man or other groomsmen.
If the main problem is that you don't want to be an usher just say "No thank you."
I am an 'extra'. I wont be at the head table. I won't be in the photos.
And honestly, that isn't THAT important to me.
What is important is being included in the celebration, and I'm thinking I will he excluded in that. There is where my problem is.
The best man knows me. We aren't exactly friends, but I have spend many many times with him. In fact, I was at the best mans bachelor party.
I could be jumping the gun, and maybe the best man hasnt completely organized the bachelor party, but it is coming down to the wire here.
And considering I saw the groom to be only 2 weeks ago, and there was NO mention of bachelor party plans, I am very skeptical I will be invited at this point.
And anyone who knows this stuff, but being excluded from a bachelor party is done on purpose, and a BAD thing.
I think I will be patient and wait a month, and if I havent heard of any bachelor party plans, I will have a talk with the groom.
In the mean time, I will reach out to the best man, and make sure we have an open like of communicTion.
I am an 'extra'. I wont be at the head table. I won't be in the photos.
And honestly, that isn't THAT important to me.
What is important is being included in the celebration, and I'm thinking I will he excluded in that. There is where my problem is.
The best man knows me. We aren't exactly friends, but I have spend many many times with him. In fact, I was at the best mans bachelor party.
I could be jumping the gun, and maybe the best man hasnt completely organized the bachelor party, but it is coming down to the wire here.
And considering I saw the groom to be only 2 weeks ago, and there was NO mention of bachelor party plans, I am very skeptical I will be invited at this point.
And anyone who knows this stuff, but being excluded from a bachelor party is done on purpose, and a BAD thing.
I think I will be patient and wait a month, and if I havent heard of any bachelor party plans, I will have a talk with the groom.
In the mean time, I will reach out to the best man, and make sure we have an open like of communicTion.
I agree with your thoughts -- b/c that is a LOT of money to spend without being included in some of the most important festivities that surround the event. Now, if the groom were paying for your tuxe, that would be different. But he isn't.
I am also wondering if you will be included in the Rehearsal dinner. ??? Has anyone mentioned that? It isn't just the bachelor's party . . . for a wedding this large (and it would have to be large to need that many groomsmen PLUS ushers!) . . . someone should be throwing a very nice dinner after the rehearsal. It could be that is where the big pre-wedding festivities will be taking place. Just mentioning that.
But in the end, if you are having doubts about the friendship itself and investing that much money to be an usher at a wedding, and possibly not really having the "fun" that typically goes along with being in a wedding . . . I would advise my own son to simply back out. You still have plenty of time to do that, too.
If finding out you ARE included in the bachelor's party makes that big of a difference to you, then simply get in touch with the best man and straight out ask what kind of bachelor's party he is planning. If he says - well - it is a small affair and limited guests and indicates you won't be part of it - then that is your answer right there.
I swear that big weddings **** off more people than they please... but I'm wandering off topic.
Given the situation I would neither feel offended, nor hesitate to shoot him down about ushering. I wouldn't feel obligated to attend either. He sounds like kind of a dick.
I don't really know too much about what being an usher involves...seating wedding guests? It doesn't seem to me like the groom and the best man are sitting around thinking up ways to offend you. It sounds like you guys just really aren't that close of friends and guys often suck at communication, so maybe the best man just hasn't gotten around to organizing a solid plan for the party yet. Are you invited to the rehearsal dinner? If I was in this situation I would think about how close of a friend I was to this person and what my budget looked like. If I thought this person was a good enough friend and I had the cash to spare I'd suck it up and do my usher duties even if I wasn't invited to the bachelor party. If my budget was really tight and this guy is someone I rarely see or spend any QT with then I might be inclined to back out.
If you're in the wedding, you're going to be invited to the rehearsal dinner, since you're going to be at the wedding rehearsal, no?
And if you're that worried about the bachelor party, call or email the best man and ask if there's anything you can do to help plan. If he acts cagey, you'll know where you stand, or he might say that he hasn't thought about it at all.
If you're in the wedding, you're going to be invited to the rehearsal dinner, since you're going to be at the wedding rehearsal, no?
And if you're that worried about the bachelor party, call or email the best man and ask if there's anything you can do to help plan. If he acts cagey, you'll know where you stand, or he might say that he hasn't thought about it at all.
I have been in weddings in the past where everyone at the rehearsal absolutely was NOT invited to the rehearsal dinner, I suppose to save on the cost of the meal.
I have seen the rehearsal dinner limited to family and the groomsmen and bridesmaids only, leaving out the minister, organist, children who may be flower girl/ring bearer, ushers, honorary attendants, etc.
So no, just b/c you are at the rehearsal, it doesn't mean you are going to automatically be extended an invite to the rehearsal dinner.
The wedding is paid for (traditionally) by the Bride's family. The rehearsal dinner is paid for by the Groom's family. That means the invitee list is at the discretion of the Groom's family and if cost is a factor, the attendee list might end up being chopped, lol. Also, the type of venue may determine how many people can even be accommodated.
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